Until You Can't Let Go

Chapter 2


Time: A little over 20 years ago

Sharon should probably have seen it coming. Their marriage had been doomed from the very beginning, but she had been too naïve to realize it. They had known each other since high school, but had gotten closer during her sophomore year of college. Their fathers knew each other from the court house and moved in the same social circles. William O'Dwyer, a judge for the city of Boston, had a very high opinion of Douglas Raydor, both as a lawyer and as a man. It was Raydor's youngest son he did not particularly care for. He always said that Jack was immature and reckless, focusing on his own pleasure too much. There was no denying that Jack was smart and ambitious, however. He had graduated high school among the top of his class and had been accepted by the best colleges in the country, just like Sharon. That had done nothing to convince Judge O'Dwyer that the boy was anything but trouble.

Needless to say, Sharon's opinion of the young man had been quite different. From the moment he had asked her to the annual school dance she had been infatuated with the handsome, charming, and undoubtedly intelligent Jack Raydor. He had made her feel special, beautiful, and adored and she had soaked it up like a sponge, hungry for the attention. She had never been the cheerleader type, although she certainly had the looks. Her passions were books and dancing and spending her time between school, studying, a number of volunteer projects, and ballet classes, she simply did not have a lot of spare time to socialize. Very few boys were willing to put up with that, so Jack had been the first to be serious about dating her.

For her entire junior year of college, he had been around. They had studied and laughed together. He had taken her out every weekend, treating her to dinners, and flowers, and the most beautiful gifts.

Jack had been the first and only man who had gotten to do more than hold her hand. She had trusted him when they had made out for hours in the backseat of his car, and she had trusted him when making out had turned into more. Every day, he had told her one way or another how much he loved her. Sometimes it had been flowers, sometimes a little note or a phone call in the evening and sometimes he had dropped by late at night, throwing pebbles against her window until she opened it so he could tell her in person. She had thought it was romantic and she had never hesitated to return the sentiment.

It had been only a few weeks before his college graduation when Jack had proposed. Sharon had been over the moon, excited to share the happy news with their families. What she had not expected was their parents disagreeing so vehemently with their plan to get married before they left for grad school. They had imagined that they would have the wedding in the summer. Jack had wanted to work for a year, to acquire some practical experience at his father's law firm before diving into the books again. The idea had been for them to go to the same law school once she graduated the following year, and Sharon had already been dreaming about a tiny off-campus apartment they would share and how they would continue to study together.

Jack's parents had not necessarily been against it. They had always liked Sharon and had been convinced that she would be a good influence on their slightly impulsive son.

Her parents, on the other hand, had been livid. She had never heard her father yell like that and even her mother had had a few choice words for her. After a lot of fighting and many tears, they had suggested that they wait with the wedding until after both of them graduated from law school. If it had been up to her father, he would have made her promise not to marry until after she was established as a lawyer, if ever. Sharon was certain that her parents had hoped she would move on and find another boy she liked without them having to interfere.

She had been ready to agree with them, to let them have their way, but Jack had been so sweet and so convincing with the beautiful picture he painted of the life they could lead.

So they had run away, packed a few bags and stuffed them in the back of Jack's old Ford and left for the West Coast in the middle of the night, only days after Jack's graduation ceremony. They had driven through Las Vegas on their way to Los Angeles and gotten married in a tiny chapel in front of someone who might or might not have been a real priest. It had not been the elaborate, elegant ceremony she had always dreamed of. The gaudily decorated chapel had been a far cry from the dignified catholic church her family attended and her jeans and t-shirt had not been the stunning, white wedding gown of her dreams. There had been no cake and no dancing, her father had not given her away and her mother had not gotten a chance to cry as she said her vows. Sharon had missed her large, loud and loving family, but they had not wanted to be a part of this. They did not approve of the man her heart had chosen.

Despite all the things she wished her wedding had been, Sharon had been deliriously happy. Their wedding night in a slightly run-down roadside motel had not been the cruise to Europe they had imagined, but they had enjoyed it nonetheless. It had been fun to drink cheap champagne on the squeaking bed and to enjoy being together without the ever-present catholic guilt or the fear of being discovered by one of their parents.

Once they had arrived in Los Angeles, they had discovered that life was a little harder than they had imagined. While Jack had been able to get into UCLA on a baseball scholarship that paid most of his expenses, Sharon still had to find a way to pay for her last year of college. She had been lucky enough to get a spot at UCLA as well to finish her degree, but without a scholarship or the support of her parents, she had had to work. Finding a job as a waitress in a bar close to campus had been easy, but working six nights a week in addition to her schoolwork and keeping up with the housework had been a lot harder.

And yet, she had enjoyed the freedom and excitement of their new life. They had been madly in love with each other and with this new home of theirs. Nothing had been able to ruin their happiness.

The first major disappointment had come when she had realized that due to her family background it would be close to impossible for her to qualify for a scholarship. Her intelligence and determination to succeed had been her only option to get one, but since her parents had money, she would never be the first choice, even if she met all the academic requirements.

When Jack had lost his scholarship because he had showed up intoxicated for a couple of games, her hopes of going to law school after college had been destroyed. They had decided that she would work full time until Jack graduated and got established. Then he would pay her way through law school. She had not given up her dream; she had merely put it off for a little while.

One night, Jack had visited her at work and brought a buddy he had met at another bar a few days before. It had been a slow night, giving her a chance to chat with Jack and his friend, to get to know the handsome, dark-haired man with the intriguing brown eyes. On that first night, she had learned that he was a cop and that he had a great sense of humor. He was married, had a little son, and he proudly showed off the pictures, but it had not stopped him from flirting with her. He had not been too obvious about it when Jack was around, but sometimes he had come by without her husband. Those had been the nights he had laid it on thick, giving her bright smiles and appreciative glances, letting her know that he liked the way she looked. He had made her feel good and she had looked forward to seeing him, enjoying their talks and the way they exchanged sarcastic remarks until the other patrons around them laughed out loud.

It was Andy Flynn who had planted the idea to become a police officer in her head. At first, Jack had not been happy about it, telling her that it was a man's job, that it was dangerous and that she was not tough enough for it. When she had told him how much she would earn once she graduated from the academy, he had changed his mind reluctantly. It would make their life easier and it would take her away from all the drunk guys who tried to talk his wife into a quickie in the bar's storage room.

As far as Sharon was concerned, being a cop would only be a temporary situation, a way to pay the bills until Jack would be able to support them and it definitely looked better on a résumé than her job at the bar. It would also give her valuable insights into that side of law enforcement, something that might help her later on, when she finally got her chance to attend law school.

She hated to admit it, but Jack had been right; it was tough and it was a man's world that she had entered the moment she joined the academy. Her stubborn nature had prevented her from quitting whenever the idea occurred to her, as it had frequently. Her instructors had been determined to prove to her that she had no place on the force, being harder on her than her male classmates and pushing her to her limits and beyond. Many nights she had come home, gone straight to the bathroom and locked herself in, the hot water of the shower washing her tears away. She had never allowed anyone to see her doubts and fears, least of all Jack. The shower was the place for her tears. Once she left it, the appearance of calm control was firmly back in place. That was something she had learned during that time, after she had made the mistake of sharing her pain with her husband one night. His smug "I told you so" and his lack of support and confidence in her ability to succeed had hurt more than any derisive or misogynistic comment from her instructors or colleagues ever could.

If she thought things would be easier once she graduated, she had been mistaken. Her first ride-alongs had been horrible, as she had been assigned to an old, grumpy officer who had been happy to let her know what he thought of women wearing the uniform.

One night, she had walked into a bar close to headquarters, determined to forget her dreadful shift over a few shots of whiskey. When she had seen Andy Flynn sitting at the bar, she had been ready to turn around and leave, but his friendly, inviting smile had made her change her mind. He had bought her a drink and lent her an understanding ear. He had heard what people said about her, how they talked behind her back and to her face and he had correctly interpreted her mood. Sharon would never have expected him to be such a good listener or to find the right words to encourage her. He had told her about the bets people placed on how long she would make it and got her to promise not to give up because he had his money riding on her making Lieutenant before any of them would. It had made her laugh and she had told him that she did not plan to stay on the force that long, that she had other plans, but she had felt better, more confident about the path she had chosen.

It had helped that she had been assigned to be Andy's partner after her first six months on patrol. He had not gone easier on her than the officers she had worked with before and they had frequently fought about procedure and the rules he hated and she found comfort in, but he had never once given her the impression that he thought her incapable of doing the job. He had trusted her to have his back and it had surprised her how much that meant to her.

With her rising comfort and confidence at work, her marriage had become more and more troubled. The slightly naïve and shy East Coast girl had slowly disappeared and made room for an independent woman who felt secure in who she was and what she did. It had started harmlessly enough with Jack asking her a lot of questions about work, about her colleagues and her day. At first, she had not picked up on his subtle show of displeasure whenever Andy had come up or when she had mentioned any other man commenting on her looks or even just paying her more attention than her husband thought appropriate.

She did not remember when she had first started noticing how possessive and controlling he had become. At some point he had been around her all the time. Whenever she had joined her colleagues for a drink after work, he had been there. Even at official work functions he had hovered over her, chasing off anyone who showed more than a strictly professional interest in her. Men looking at her longer than Jack deemed appropriate, a handshake taking longer than necessary or someone simply complimenting her on her outfit had been rewarded with a dark scowl and sometimes even a rude comment.

The few times he had not been able to accompany her, she had come home to a barrage of questions and accusations. After one particularly bad fight during which Jack had implied that she was cheating on him, she had become more cautious of her interactions with her colleagues. More often than not, she had found reasons not to join them at the pub or to stay away from official functions. After a while her colleagues had stopped asking.

How had she missed what Jack had done to her? For years he had worked at separating her from her social contacts. First it had been her family. After they had run away, Sharon had still had some contact with her mother and sisters. It had not been more than a few phone calls every other week and it had stopped when she had ended one of those calls crying because she had gotten into a fight with her mother. Until that point, Jack had not known about those occasional talks. He had made her feel guilty for communicating with people who did not approve of him, had questioned her commitment to him and their marriage. She had stopped calling them after that. At the time, she had told herself that it was because she did not want to listen to their complaints about Jack and the life she had chosen.

At work, she had slowly become known as distant, cold, and overly professional. While not exactly disliking her, people had kept their distance, only interacting with her when it had been absolutely necessary. The one exception in all of this had been Andy Flynn. As her partner he had been closer to her than anyone else. He might not have known what exactly had been going on in her marriage, but she was certain that he had suspected that something was wrong. He had been her only true social contact apart from Jack for the longest time, and she had poured every bit of her craving for company into that relationship.

Andy had become her best friend, her confidante, and the big, protective brother she had always wanted. More than once he had offered to talk to Jack, had even brought up the possibility of leaving him, but she had always assured him that she loved her husband and that he loved her. He had accepted that, even though she had noticed his concern and the increasing tension between him and Jack. They had still joked over a few drinks occasionally, but there had always been something else, something that had reminded her of two alpha males eying each other, both waiting for the other to cross into their territory.

When exactly things between her and Andy had changed she could no longer remember. It must have been some time after they both had passed their detective's exams, but before they had gotten promoted. To say she had never before thought about Andy in a romantic context would have been a lie; she had always found him attractive and charming and had enjoyed the time she spent with him. More and more often she had caught her mind wandering in that direction, had found herself looking at him with different eyes. She had been able to suppress those thoughts for a long time, had been able to pretend that it was nothing more than a fleeting infatuation with a handsome man. It had not been anything to be worried about – until it was.

It was one of those endless nights when everyone seemed to go crazy. Andy blamed it on the full moon, but she was convinced that it just felt worse than usual. Their shift had been nearing its end when they had been called out to a domestic dispute in one of the better parts of the city. Breaking the quarreling couple up had been truly dirty work – in the most literal sense possible. Apparently, the husband's attempt at installing a cheap pool had gone horribly wrong, turning the backyard into a giant muddy puddle. By the time they had calmed both spouses down, Andy and Sharon had gotten a thorough mud bath.

Standing next to their car, they held onto each other, bending over with laughter as they finally got a good look at their mud-caked clothes. Sharon reached out to wipe some dirt off Andy's cheek but ended up making the situation much worse with her filthy hands. Her sense of order compelled her to produce a similar dark stripe on his other cheek, making her break out in another giggling fit when he looked like a fierce warrior – one who had fallen off his horse right into a puddle.

She knew that Andy would make her pay as she saw him narrow his eyes, and yet she was unprepared for his lightning-fast move. In the space of a second, he grabbed her hands, brought them behind her back, spun her around, and pushed her back against the car, her hands trapped behind her and held in place by one of his. The other one he wiped all over her face, making sure to cover every bit of her pale skin with dark mud, her squeals muffled by his palm. Once he was satisfied with the result, he let his hand slide down to rest against her neck, his thumb drawing small circles over her pulse point. His eyes sparkled, full of mischief, as he grinned at her triumphantly.

Then something shifted in his look; it softened, turning more intense as if he were trying to reach into the depth of her soul. Sharon froze, realizing all of a sudden how close he was, feeling his body pressed against hers and the way his proximity made her skin tingle pleasantly, a shiver running down her spine when she felt his hot breath against her cheek. She was unable to stop him. It was not because she was too weak or he was forcing himself onto her. It was the fact that she wanted it to happen, had waited and hoped for it for a long time.

His lips were soft and he tasted of earth and coffee, and it was heaven. She moaned, willingly answering the insistent request of his tongue, meeting it with hers as she let him deepen the kiss, her arms sliding around the back of his neck, holding onto him. He pushed his lower body into hers, his growing arousal grinding against her, making her knees go weak with desire. When he gently nudged one of his knees between her legs, she widened her stance, straddling his thigh, shamelessly seeking her own pleasure. His hands on her bottom urged her on, pulling her against him.

They got lost in each other for a long time, not sparing a single thought for where they were or who they were or what they were supposed to be to one another. For a few blissful minutes their entire existence was limited to the space they occupied, to their shared breaths and pounding hearts, and to the passion raging inside their veins.

It ended as suddenly as it had started, the sound of an approaching car ripping them out of their blissful state. With a hard push, Sharon forced him to take a step backwards, trembling fingers covering her swollen lips as she tried to catch her breath and comprehend what they had just done. She stared at him wide-eyed, finding him as startled by their impulsive actions as she was. There was something else in the depth of his eyes, something that made them sparkle in a way she had never seen before. It scared her, but at the same time it touched a part of her that basked in its glow, that fluttered and came alive after lying dormant for a long time. That frightened her even more.

For a moment she was torn between her longing to grab onto that something, to explore what exactly it was and what it could grow into, and the knowledge of what was right. They were both married. He had a little son and he loved his wife, just as she loved Jack. They simply could not give in to that madness, for it was nothing else; hormone-driven madness that could only end in pain and chaos.

"Andy," she whispered, her voice sounding rough and broken. "What have we done?" Her chest rose and fell with her rapid breathing and she thought it would explode with the forceful pounding of her heart. Sadness clouded his eyes as he reached out to take both of her hands in his, looking down to study their entwined fingers. The moment his eyes rose to meet hers once again, she knew that she did not want to hear what he was about to say. It was the fear that she would like it, would feel compelled to return the words once they were spoken, that made her shake her head vigorously, but she could not silence him.

He looked desperate, helpless against the emotions inside him and the flood of words that tumbled from his lips against both their wills. "I don't know. I never meant to love you, but I do, so much that it hurts."

Tears spilled over her lashes as she shook her head again, slowly, disbelievingly this time. Her mouth formed one word over and over, but her vocal cords were incapable of producing a sound. No. No. No. Over and over the same voiceless denial. Carefully tugging her hands out of his grasp, she stepped back, turning away from him and what was so clear to see in his eyes, in the softness of his gaze and the gentle touch of his hands.

She felt him come up behind her and raised her hand to keep him from touching her again. It would be her undoing, the last push her already crumbling resolve would need.

"No! You love Amanda. I know you do. You can't possibly love me. You can't!"

Sharon almost choked on the words, her voice breaking as she forced them out. Who she tried to convince, she did not know.

"Maybe there is more than one perfect person for everyone. Maybe life isn't meant to be just black and white." He had ignored her warning, his hands caressing her hips as he stood behind her, pulling her back until she leaned into him, his lips gently brushing against her ear as he spoke.

"We made our choices years ago, Andy. We can't just step back from them because we feel like it."

Oh, but how she wanted to! She wanted to give in, to accept his words and return them, to fall into their promise of a different life, possibly a happier one. She ached with the need to sink into his arms and forget reason and responsibility, but she could not do it. Her marriage might not be the eternal bliss she had hoped for, but she had made that commitment, she had promised Jack forever, and she would not break that promise. Her Catholic upbringing was the major factor in that decision, but a small part of it was also pride. She had defied her parents when she ran off to get married to a man they thought was not right for her. She had been determined to prove them wrong and she refused to admit that maybe they had been right after all.

She did love Jack, despite all their problems. Considering what had just happened, she could not even claim that his jealousy was unfounded. It was quite possible that he had seen something she had been blind to before. It made her feel guilty for wishing he had not changed, that he would still be the same cheerful, carefree young man who had shown her every day how much he loved her. As much as her heart felt torn between the two men, as much as she yearned to walk the easier path, with the man whose embrace felt so right, whose touch awoke parts of her she had not known existed, she knew what her choice had to be.

Placing her hands over his, she resisted the longing to draw them around her more tightly, pulling them off her body instead, so she could step away from him. She saw him get ready to protest, to find a way to convince her, but this time she was able to stop him with a shake of her head.

"No, Andy. We can't do this. I'm sorry." She briefly placed her hand against his chest, caressing the spot right over his heart before she pulled away. Taking a deep breath she pushed all the pain and longing and desire away, determined to go back to the way things had been. Only her voice still held a trace of her true state of mind, wavering slightly when she spoke. "We should go. It's time to go home."

With that, she turned to walk around the car to the driver's side, but Andy's hand on her arm stopped her in her tracks. The desperate plea he directed at the back of her head made her breath catch. "I don't want to lose you, Sharon."

Her first impulse was to promise that he could never lose her, that they would always have their friendship, but the reality of their situation kept her from saying it. The truth tore her heart apart inside her chest as she closed her eyes against her tears. How could they keep this wonderful, warm, deep friendship that she cherished so much when both of them knew that it was so much more? How could she laugh with him and share her fears and heartaches with him when she knew how his hands felt on her body, how incredibly sweet his kisses tasted and how her insides fluttered with the feelings he awakened in her whenever he looked at her?

But she was just as incapable of letting him go, of breaking his heart even more than she already had. She wanted to believe that they could make it work. She needed to hold on to that faint hope to keep herself from breaking. She could not lose him.

"We will make it work. Just give it some time, Andy," she replied quietly before she continued to round the car.

That morning over breakfast, she had faced the countless questions she had gotten used to hearing from her husband. Her lack of response and the way she had picked at her food without really eating had made him even more suspicious, and after a while she had retreated to the bathroom, telling him she was exhausted.

Things had only gotten worse after that. As much as Sharon and Andy had tried to preserve their friendship, every interaction had been laced with awkwardness and an overabundance of caution. They had been reluctant to spend any time alone, and when that had been necessary, they had carefully walked the narrow line of professionalism. That one unguarded moment had ruined what had been her solace, her temporary escape from a prison of her own making, and the knowledge made her soul ache.

At home, things had not been any better. Jack had been even more cautious, more jealous, and more controlling of her every move. She had let him. Her guilt over what she had let happen playing into his hands. Of course he had noticed the change in her demeanor, had not been blind to her sadness. He had suggested a transfer, claiming that getting away from all the mean drunks, thieves, and murderers and the cynicism of her colleagues would help.

Jack had heard through some friends that Internal Affairs would be looking for someone new soon. Since they had still needed the money her job provided, IA had seemed to be the best option in his eyes. She had not wanted the job at first, knowing what everyone thought of that particular division. She had looked for other openings within the department, without much luck. While she was just as qualified as her male colleagues and had proven that she was more than capable of doing the job, the majority of division heads had merely smiled at her, stopping short of giving her a pat on the head, and told her that she wasn't what they were looking for.

It had been the news of her pregnancy that had given her the final push. In IA she would not deal with as many dangerous suspects as elsewhere, and with a child on the way she could not take any unnecessary risks. It would only be for another few years, anyway, until Jack passed the bar and got a job.

At first, she had believed that they had gotten back on the right track. Jack had been elated when she had told him that she was pregnant. Happiness and love had returned to his eyes and had reminded her of all the things she loved about him. They had gone out more, and if he always kept his arm around her and a watchful eye on her, he camouflaged it as being a doting husband and proud daddy.

Their renewed state of bliss had only lasted a couple of years. Jack had gotten a decent job at a local law firm and had started to make a name for himself. As much as she had wanted to quit her job and attend law school, it simply had not been feasible with a small child and a husband who worked long hours for very little money. Despite her having worked during his time at law school, a loan had been necessary to pay for the part of tuition her income could not cover. That had added up to a substantial amount of money they had to pay off. Adding even more to it had not been an option at the time. Once again, Sharon had pushed her own dreams aside to be what her family needed.


~TBC~