Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men!

Note: The title of this chapter comes from a song by a band named Spoon (not from the cartoon movie, lol). I love it, I think it's a song that makes your thoughts kind of wander.

Chapter 2: Inside out.

I should have gone with you.

This single little phrase has eaten my brain away for so long. The irreparable is just too heavy. Too consuming.

Can I fix it?

I can't. Nothing can be fixed and I'm stuck here now, somewhere.

Where are you?

I hadn't been here in a while, in the mansion's large hall that always gave me this museum vibe. Voices come from the doorway and I'm drawn in that direction. There's Logan and Storm, the Professor and Scott.

"Hey Rogue, come meet someone" Cyclops says: "He'll be staying in the Institute for a while."

It's too bright outside so first I only see a man's tall frame, as my eyes adjust to the sunlight. But then you take a step forward and it's you.

See? It's strange: the odds were juggling the hell out of things, to bring us closer, but we were the ones stupidly tearing ourselves away.

I don't say anything, only stare at you with that last memory of our kiss and your subsequent passing out, hammering in between my eyeballs.

"Hello chere" you say with a nod and a half smirk, which tells me you didn't expect to see me either.

"Had you guys met before?"

"Yeah-"

"No." I can feel every pair of eyes on me, but I'm only looking at yours: "Ah mean, yeah. Once."

Are the others expecting to hear the story of it or what? Either way, we just stay there measuring each other, for some other never-ending five or six seconds.

"Very well, then" Thanks, Professor: "Scott, please take Mr. LeBeau to his room".

For a while, I thought I had killed you cold. But then, when I became an X-Man and learnt about my powers, I knew you were most likely alive. When was that? How do four years go by and then you show up out of nowhere and I'm sent head first to those few hours we spent together? I didn't tell you back then, when you said it to me, but of course I liked you too, wasn't it obvious?

And there are things that slowly fade away from the mind, that lose a little bit of their clarity with each passing day, leaving nothing but a shadow in a corner of the memory. Well, you weren't one of those things. Never have. Time didn't cure me then, and you can bet it hasn't cured me so far.

That's not what time does to the one you love.

Maybe it sounds a little silly, 'cause I'd only known you for such a short while. But then again, time is the least important of variables when you are sure of something.

And time can be a bitch, too.

Are you upset about what happened?

I don't think so, judging by your expression when I turn around to face you, after more than hearing, sensing a whisper close to my ear:

"I always knew it, chere".

This is the mansion's backyard, decorated with balloons and lights of colors, because this morning it was the kids' high school graduation and they're throwing a party for the whole school. I was just wandering around and now… it's a little strange having you by my side, after so long of picturing over and over again the image I had of you up in my head. Your face, your hair, your arms and body, your voice, everything becomes precise again, all at once.

"Knew what?"

"That we'd meet again. Didn't y'?"

"Ah don't know, Ah didn't think 'bout it."

I don't buy my own words and you don't either.

"Sure y' didn't". You study my face for a moment, then continue: "Au contraire, I did wonder if y' were 'kay and how y'd been doing, and I'm glad y' found a place. I'm glad y're here."

"Um… okay, and yah're not mad at me?"

"What for? Knocking me out and disappearing? Non."

"Yeah, about that… Ah'm sorry, Ah didn't mean to…"
"Hey, I know, don't worry. Why don't we just forget 'bout that and pick it up where we left it?"

"And where'd that be?"

"For starters, right here and now's just perfect."

It sure is. It's perfect in the way the little space in between us is filled with a sort of electrical current, and how you look with that jacket and tie. We sit with the others for a while and it's perfect because everyone's having a good time, everything seems relaxed and in its right place, you make jokes and everyone laughs and we're drinking whatever thing. It's perfect when we walk around, sneak to a balcony and see everything from above.

"So how did y' get here? How did y' become one of the infamous X-Men?" you ask me.

"Well it was very easy, surprisingly. They just contacted me 'bout a week after yah and Ah, yah know, met-"

"Kissed."

"Yeah, and here Ah am. Not much of a traumatic or crazy story, huh? By the way, Ah gotta ask something."

"Shoot."

"How long were yah… out? How long did it take for yah to get better?"

"Let's see, was in a coma for a couple days…"

"Oh my Gawd, yah can't be serious..."

"Oui, and…"

"Ah'm sorry!" I start snickering, not sure why.

"Well y' don't seem to be too sorry cherie! But can't complain, was out of the hospital a lil' after that."

"That's horrible."

"Oh yeah? I think it ain't bad: a nap for a kiss. I'd repeat it anytime."

I stop laughing. This is serious shit.

"No, yah wouldn't."

You come dangerously close and I hate you and love you for it.

"We'll see."

"We won't."

You grin and then, the fireworks begin out there, on the other side of the lake.

Now that I look back at it and that it all seems so far away, I can tell the following days were, like you anticipated, perfect. I wish I could stretch them on and on, turn them into an infinite loop or at least erase their ending, so I could pretend they're in stand-by forever. I just don't want them to end, not the way they did.

You think I can do that, if I stay here?

"It's true, ha?" I say, as we walk down the street and I don't dare to look back, given you just casually snatched an apple from a vendor's pile; without paying for it, I may add.

"What's true?" you take a bite.

"That yah're a thief."

You keep chewing and offer me some. The damage is done already so I take a bite as well.

"Who told y' that?"

"The girls."

"Ah oui? What else they said?"

It's a warm day but, of course, I have to wear my long sleeves and gloves. Quite ridiculous.

"They said yah're oh so dreamy! And oh, so cute! And oh so hot, and oh so bleh."

"And what y' think 'bout that?"
You take another large bite from the apple and look at me, waiting for an answer. Well Rems, of course I agree with them, but I'm not gonna tell you that. I'm not going to inflate your ego even more than it already is.

"Yah didn't answer my question. Are yah a thief?"

"I answer yours, y' answer mine."

"Fine."

"I'm a master thief, cherie, to be more precise" you toss what's left of the apple into a trashcan. "So?"

We keep walking for some moments until I decide it:

"Yah're not ugly."

What? It's true.

I jump to that other night, after a long day of missions and fighting the bad guys. I think we're the only people awake in the house at this hour, because everything around (the air, the sounds) is still.

I always liked this couch. It's one of those you want to sink into and pretty much live in.

"…so Tante Mattie took her shoes off and threw them at me as I ran away, hit me once, yelling y'll be goin' to hell, sale gamin du diable!"

You're telling me about your childhood there, in the South, about your family I never had the chance to meet.

After a short while of staring at each other, I speak:

"Yah think so? That we go to hell or heaven?"

"Not at all" you say right away: "I believe in being alive, in making the most of what we have 'cause after that there's probably just an empty bin. Nothing. I think we're alone in this world and we gotta fend for ourselves with our wits and our humanity, that's the only thing we got for sure. Everything else's uncertain".

"Ah don't think our humanity's very certain or very… reliable. Ah mean, aren't our flaws what define us, what make us human? More than a source of wits, Ah think we're little mistake making machines, swarming the Earth and thinking we're so smart just because we created sliced bread. But we're mainly just a mess."

"Mais non, chere: coming here? Not a mistake."

I feel all light and tingly, submerging myself in these moments with you. I think I smile, when the next one shows up.

The sky is orange and pink as it heads to the sunset, right above my face. This trampoline has been here, in the backyard, for a while. A book is resting on my stomach and then, the elastic surface shifts and I see you climbing up.

"There y' are, chere, hadn't seen y' today" you lie by my side and rest the back of your head on your palms.

"Ah was trying to get away from people, but It's kinda difficult."

"Roguey, y' can run all y' want, but y' can't hide from Remy."

"Ah'm glad."

You turn to see me and I smile because I simply cannot help it. You have a scratch on your eyebrow, consequence of the previous days' craziness.

"Gimme your hand."
I should ask what for?, or say no. But I don't. I show you my right gloved hand and you take it between yours. I pull back, though, when you start removing the glove.

"Are yah nuts?!"
"Y' said y've been working on it."

"Yeah but it's not… ready yet."

"How y' know?"
"Well…" The Professor's been helping me a lot with those mental sessions and stuff. But… "Okay, Ah don't have many guinea pigs, yah know? It's not something people would usually volunteer for."

"Then what am I doing right now?"

The twilight tints everything in slight violet now.

"Ah don't wanna hurt yah."

"Y' won't. I trust y'. Y' just gotta trust yourself."

You take my hand again and I'm slowly dying inside as you remove the glove. I'm scared.

Then, you approach your hand to mine and I shut my eyes tight. "Trust" you say again and I look, focusing my mind in the things I've tried to learn: my skin doesn't control me, I control it. It's my instrument. I can use it at will and my thoughts decide what will happen and what won't and right now, it…

Your gloves cover two of your fingers, which you place against mine. I expect the worst when the others make contact.

No, don't be stupid, don't expect the worst. You can do it.

Nothing happens for a while and I stare at our hands like they were out of this world.

"O…kay" I say, but suddenly, it kicks in and I pull my hand back, as when touching something burning hot. "Sorry!"

"Whoo! I'd missed that. It's okay, let's try again."
I don't have tiny hands, I'd say their quite average, but I like the way they look small compared to yours. And our fingertips, our knuckles, everything is blending in and it's alright.

I laugh half nervously, because it's hard to believe this is happening. Your face's so close to mine now, I can feel the air you exhale; it's warm and you kiss me, Remy, like that night so long ago, except this time I don't drain your life away. My lower lip is between yours and I open my eyes to see a white ceiling that's out of focus. No, I open… an eye?, the left one, 'cause the right one is stuck or something. There are the white lights and a blue curtain and everything is out of reach. I can't look down at myself but I know there's something in my throat or nose or around there. Is that the lady I heard the other… day, time? Another lady, they're dressed in white, they're nurses and why am I here, Remy? There must be a mistake, I… I hear some other voices and I think it's him but I don't wanna see him, I wanna see you, so it all vanishes and thank God, I'm back at… this is my nightstand at the mansion, those are my books and hair brush. And these are your arms around me. This is better than the other… place, for sure.

I turn around to face you, not worrying about remaining or not covered up by the sheets. It's good to feel this way: I'm not poison anymore.

"Ah've never caught yah sleeping" I say, my lips almost brushing yours: "Yah're always awake."

"Guess I'm used to watch my back."

"Oh yah gotta watch your back from me?"

"Course not. Just a habit." After a long kiss, you continue: "But y' talk in your sleep."

"Really?" You nod. "What have Ah said?"
"Once y' were arguing with Kitty, I think. Something about laundry."

"Not a surprise."

"And just now y' said…"

It's rare to see you hesitate.
"What?"

"Y' said: don't leave, Remy."

I let my fingers play with your hair for a while, I see its brown color in the scarce light. If I look at you in the eye right now, you'll see how sad and terrified I am. But why not, anyway? I've got nothing to hide from you anymore.

"Did Ah?"

That was the last time you slept in my bed, as little sense as it makes.

Hell was rising outside, getting worse with each passing day and it seemed it was just about to explode. Bad mutants attacking people, the government trying to defend them, and now goddamn Apocalypse. And there was your stupid guild with those stupid Cajuns of yours, everyone against each other. You and I? Puppets in the middle of it all. Stupid puppets, really. Now, I think we could have done better than we did. We could have decided better.

You knock on my door as I'm putting my uniform on. I open up and with no introduction, you say:

"Come with me."

People are running around the hallways of the mansion, getting ready to go out.

"What?" I take you by an arm and pull you inside the room.

"Come with me, now. Home."

"Remy, there're people dying out there! We gotta…."

"They killed mon pere too, chere, now I'm in charge and if I don't go now, it gonna be a whole big mess. Y' gotta come with me".

Logan and Scott are shouting orders out there but they're miles away.

"Ah can't leave them now Rem, they need me! We need all the help we can get, why don't yah stay for a while at least, we'll go later."

"Can't wait for later, Rogue. Y're coming or not?"
I couldn't breathe. How many times have I dissected this moment in my head? How many times have I seen myself then, like I can't recognize me, like this was someone else I have nothing to do with? Not me. I can't be so stupid, can I? But maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. Come on, it's a freaking war we're talking about, and I had the chance to help and to do what I'm supposed to do: to be an X-Man and save people from actual death. In expense of what? Of you and me, now I see it. And I feel no shame in saying that, if I could change it now, I'd have gone with you to the end of the world and back, Remy, and fuck everything else. Too bad we only realize of these things when regret is crushing us inside and it's too late.

"Ah can't." You're about to walk away but I don't let you: "Yah'll come back, right?"
"Oui."

You cup my face between your hands and this is good bye.

Do you think our pride had something to do? That it was some sort of absurd competition to see who'd give in?

We'll never know. But kiss me again, let's taste my tears before I either wake up again to that immobile nightmare, or go to sleep even deeper.

Note: The part when they're talking in the couch, that Remy says something like "we're alone in the world", I based it on the 90's animated series, in the episode named "NIghtcrawler", when Rogue and Remy are in Paris in the end, sitting in a cafe and talking. Have I told you guys that reviews make my day? I think I have but anyway, once more won't hurt.