Title: Tears of Moonlight
Summary: He left, and everything crumbled instantly. Lenalee's heart shattered, and Lavi's emotions were shaken terribly. Kanda's thoughts were totally messed up because of him, and he swore that he would bring him back, even if it meant costing his own life.
Pairing: Yullen, maybe LavixLenalee (in later chapters)
Genre: Drama/Romance
Warning: Hints of angst in this chapter!
Disclaimer: I do not own DGM.
Chapter1: Her regrets, His recollections, His resolve
Who are you?
Those words...they echoed in her head. Again and again.
Who are you?
It was endless. It would not stop. No matter how she screamed for it to stop, it would not stop.
Who are you?
It could not be stopped, because it had happened. It had turned into a reality, something that could not be avoided. It could not be rubbed away just by erasing it using a plain eraser.
The air started to stir. She closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply for the first time in her life. She opened her mouth, and after a few minutes, started to speak.
"Allen...kun..."
It had been a while since she called him his name with a 'kun' behind. Previously, she addressed him this way, because he was her junior, and it was part of courtesy and respect too. To her, Allen would always her little brother, someone who she would protect with her life to make sure that he was safe.
That was when she had just met him. After working with him for years, the 'kun' was gradually forgotten, and she did not even realise it till Lavi pointed out to her about it. And when the redhead told her, she was rather surprised at her own actions, and laughed at herself for not noticing it.
Somehow, calling him 'Allen' instead of 'Allen-kun' did not have much difference. It should sound a little different. Maybe it was because she had called him so many times that it had become a habit, and habits cannot be changed in a day or two.
"Allen...kun..." She sat on her bed, both feet rubbing together as she tried to remember how it felt like saying 'Allen-kun' again. Lenalee bit her lip as she repeated that name again and again, adding a 'kun' behind, but every word seemed so hard to say it out, stuck halfway at her throat. Her voice gradually turned shaky as she shut her eyes, controlling the tears from escaping, but somehow the tear just found a way to escape as it flowed down her face. She grabbed her pillow and hugged it tightly, burying her face inside.
She wanted to forget everything. She wanted to imagine that this was only an illusion meant to scare them. She wanted to envision this as a mere nightmare that was not reality. She wanted to erase that fateful moment when she herself witnessed that silvery shadow disappearing in her eyes.
"Allen..." Lenalee whimpered between sobs, lost in her sorrow.
If she had noticed that Allen was acting weird, this would not have happened. If she had noticed, she would stay by his side no matter what, giving him warmth and telling him that everyone would be standing at his side, supporting him, no matter what was going to happen. If she had noticed and done something to it, maybe...just, maybe...Allen would not leave them after all...
"Lenalee," Several knocks on the door was heard. Lavi was outside, calling her. She groaned softly as her face was still hidden inside the pillow, reluctant to go and answer the door. Her mind was in a whirl, and she could not think properly. She wanted more than anything to get Allen back again, but it would be like searching a needle over a haystack, now that their base was unknown after Edo had been completely destroyed during the last battle.
"Lenalee! Can you hear me? Are you in there?" She laughed silently as tears began to flow down her face again. She realised that she had been crying over and over again ever since Allen had left, which was a few hours ago. All her body reacted was to cry. It was just pathetic.
"Lenalee! Lenalee, look at me! Look at me, Lenalee!"
She remembered at that time when they were walking up the stairs to the top of the building in the Ark, meeting the Noahs. Though she firmly believed that everything would be okay, she started to waver when Kanda and Krory did not return to them after their previous battles. No matter how she wanted to hide those feelings, her body just showed it. Tears began to well up her eyes, and she was trembling. Fear controlled her mind and consciousness, and she thought she was lost forever.
"Everything would be alright! We will all walk out of this place together! I would make sure that this happens! So for now, let's believe in everyone!"
It was at that time, Allen shook her awake, reassuring her that everything would be alright. As they walked along the darkness that seemed so black that they could not see, Allen was their guiding light that shone a path out of this darkness. With him, all fear was lost. All insecurities had vanished. He remained, clearing the cloud of darkness that blurred their visions. No matter how torn and broken he was, his resolve remained strong, like a weak candle flame that would not be put out easily.
The knockings were getting impatient. Lenalee finally got down the bed and walked towards the door, opening it. Lavi stood there, a worried look on his face.
"I thought something has happened inside. Are you okay, Lenalee?" The girl responded by nodding her head. Lavi smiled as he closed in to her and hugged her gently, to her surprise.
"Lavi?" Lenalee asked, her arms hanging in the air, not sure whether to return the hug or not. The older teen did not reply, as they just stayed on like this for a moment. Her eyes widened as she realised that Lavi was shaking. She did not know that Allen's absence would cause him to be this upset. She put her arms around his neck as her head rested on his shoulder, patting him.
"Sorry," He muttered softly.
"Why do you need to say sorry?"
"I...I cannot believe that I'm this useless." His heavy head drooped down onto her shoulder which supported it.
"It's not your fault that this happens. No one...no one could stop him from leaving. It's...his own decision," She replied, as she hugged him tighter, wanting to forget what she had just said just now.
"His own decision?" Lavi repeated, stunned and dazed. It was the first time he, who was going to be a Bookman, was in such a messed state. He wanted so badly to save his friend. He wanted so desperately to pull him out of the darkness he created, but somehow, he could not think calmly and rationally.
As he closed his eyes, he could vividly remember each and every one of their expressions when they returned.
It was...beyond description.
A moment of silence.
They were staring at them. They did not say a word. There was no need of explanations. Everything was shown right in front of their eyes clearly. They were there. The three of them safely came back, but the small shadow of the remaining one did not return.
There was no laughter, no jokings, no cheery voice...nothing. He slowly vanished from their memories, like a piece of fragile paper slowly reducing into ashes and flew away silently into the gust of wind.
Slowly, after a few minutes, they heard sounds of sobbings and weepings. People just knew what had happened. They knew what was going to happen next, but they chose to run away from reality. When Lenalee, Lavi and Kanda went to search for him, they closed their eyes, and forced a smile from their bottoms of their hearts. They thought of nothing, nothing but the smiles and warmth brought to them by that only special boy who had the power to spread happiness and warmth to them. Past-time memories continued to play in their heads as a form of reassurance. They forced themselves to agree that the situation would be reversed. It would be. It would surely be.
That Allen would definitely come back.
But in the end, what greeted them was more despair and sorrow. The mere betrayal of him totally crushed their only light and hope in their hearts which were already broken. The wounds that were bore by him, would never heal again.
"Lavi?" Lenalee's voice brought him back to reality. Lavi forcefully gulped down his saliva that seemed to be stuck between his throat, swallowing the fear that was overpowering him. For the first time, he felt totally helpless and weak.
"But the most surprised one was Inspector Leverrier, who had that incredulous look on his face. I almost wanted to laugh out loud at that time!" He laughed dumbly like some particular madman, again and again. Lenalee's eyes softened at this, as they gradually closed.
"Lavi..."
"Is there...nothing we can do?" Lenalee's eyes opened again as her heart thumped hardly. She squeezed his shoulders more tightly than before.
"But most of all, that baka Yuu disappeared after we have returned to the Order! I still have not scolded him for talking such things about Allen at that time! That bastard!" Lavi grumbled and muttered some things about Kanda and how he was angry at his behaviour just now. Lenalee just peered at the floor, as she gradually recalled what the raven samurai had spoken previously. Her eyes narrowed sadly.
"Let me go, baka usagi. To me, he is just a weakling. And today, he has already shown me his resolve, that is to show me how weak he is. Such people like him are just trash who deserves no one's sympathy."
Suddenly, realisation dawned on her.
"Kanda...he is really very angry at Allen." Lavi stopped his mumblings as he heard her.
"What?" Lenalee simply giggled softly, her eyes softened.
"He...really cares for Allen. A lot."
"Of all people, you should not be the one abandoning him! You should very well know that!"
Kanda sat in the middle of the meditating room, clearing his thoughts in his head. He tried to think calmly, but unwanted thoughts just entered his mind, making him confused. In the end, the raven samurai gave up and opened his eyes, staring above the ceiling.
Of all times, it had to be that beansprout invading his head. Kanda grunted in frustration as he lay down, putting both of his arms behind his head. He was surprised that his meditation failed for the first time. Nothing had ever distracted him that much that he could not concentrate. He let down his long hair as he sighed, closing his eyes.
"Kanda, why are you here late in the night?" Allen somehow had wandered to the meditation room and found him there. He found that boy irritating as he snorted in reply, hoping that Allen would just go away and leave him in peace, but that naive boy did not seem to understand what he meant and entered the forbidden room.
"Ne, what are you doing, Kanda?" He asked, curiosity written all over his face as he peered at him rather closely, to his displeasure.
"Meditating," He replied with his eyes closed, though he wondered why he had answered that idiot's question.
"Oh, I see," He said, before silence filled the room. He opened his eyes and found a pair of silver eyes staring back at him.
"Why are you staring at me?" Allen just blinked as he laughed softly and shook his head, turning to the other side. He just raised his eyebrow before he closed his eyes once more, resuming his meditation. He did not know why that idiot moyashi would be out here at this hour, but he just assumed that he was hiding from that stalker hired by a certain annoying inspector.
"Ne, Kanda. Can I come here to watch you meditate?"
"Why?"
"No reason. I just...want to watch you."
Kanda...
He snapped open his eyes and turned around, very sure that there was someone talking to him, but when he turned, no one was there. Kanda stared at the empty space where he used to occupy for a moment. His hand slowly felt the cold space on the floor, where he used to lay there and watch him meditate.
Without Allen here, it felt exceptionally empty and hollow.
He slowly turned his body back to the previous position, his head facing the ceiling. Many thoughts about Allen came to him, from the day he met him till the day the two of them sparred with one another. He knew very well that the boy wanted recognition from him. Since the first day, he always thought of him as 'weak, useless and powerless' person, having the naive thought that he could kill enemies and save innocents at the same time. As days went by, he felt that Allen was getting stronger, and he was even appalled that he could synchronise with his Innocence beyond 100 percent, thus becoming a General, but deep in his heart, he knew that he could never have acknowledged him, because his pride would never allow him to do so.
He did not know why he had felt so lost. When he found out that Allen was joining the enemy, he felt a hard pang in his ribs, making him hard to breathe for a split second. What was that idiot moyashi to him? Actually, he was not his friend in the starting place, so why would he feel so hurt when he left them?
Hurt. What was hurt? What in the world was hurt? Was it that pained feeling that triggered humans to remember memories that they hid in the darkness they created, or was it something that could replace the emptiness in their hearts?
But he knew. He knew what hurt was. He knew it so well, that he slowly began to forget this word. There was no need to remember, if it happened in his life everyday. He had suffered since he was borne. His whole clan was massacred, and that person gave him a curse as punishment to pay for their sins, wanting him to remember the horrifying, piercing screams of those vulnerable ones being killed innocently, by his own hands. In order to separate himself from the bond that he badly wanted to break, he had to set off on a journey, becoming stronger, more emotionless and merciless. His sword was stained with blood of many; so many, that he could not even remember who he had killed. Emotions would only get in his way, and by abandoning them would he forget what had happened that once tore his whole life away.
Those eyes. Kanda's eyes narrowed as he slowly clenched his hands tightly.
That dull and empty eyes...were mixed with pools of emptiness, loneliness, lost and hatred. Those eyes...reminded him of his past self when he was being detested and cursed. They seemed to have captured the days when he, the useless and pathetic one, was kneeling down in front of him, begging for mercy.
And most of all, he could not believe that he, who had promised to Lenalee and Lavi right at their faces, left and joined the Millennium Earl. He was there, and had witnessed everything. Of course, regarding him as his friend, Allen promised him too, but he did not really give a damn about it. As long as he did not cause trouble to the Black Order, he could do anything as he pleased.
The most shocking thing was, he bothered to listen to those useless words attentively. And the worse was, he actually believed in every bit of nonsense that he had said.
Kanda stood up and pulled the side doors open. After a few minutes, he closed the doors and left.
If he left, he would leave in search of him. As long as he was not dead, he would definitely find him.
If he refused to say anything, he would smack him hardly at his face till his mouth bled.
If he refused to acknowledge them, he would beat the hell out of him to wake him up.
If he refused to return, he would forcefully drag him back.
Even if it meant fighting with him.
Because...he was going to bring him back.
Hey everyone! This is the second chapter of this story! I apologise for the spelling, grammar and vocabulary mistakes. I did not have the time to check this chapter due to my strained time that was mostly spent on my studies T.T I finally realise that I have LOTS of catching up to do for the business modules that I am currently taking up now, and worse, I have not touched on my Japanese homework which is due tomorrow! *sigh* but I feel a little tinge of happiness lingering in me when I type this chapter, so my stress is temporarily reduced. Temporarily...I'm afraid ):
Okay, maybe this chapter is not as good as the 1st chapter... T.T
Anyways! Please review and give me advice on this chapter!! Thanks :D
