A/N: As always, for my friend and her odd sense of humor. Thanks to all who have enjoyed and reviewed, too! :D

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please do not sue. This is purely for fun.


Walking down the hallways of Tantive VI should have been more exciting than it was.

I mean, I'd built the set in my mind over and over again, imagining myself in this very position. Okay, not this very position, but you get the idea. In my mind, I wasn't being lugged around by armored hands at a pace just shy of too fast for me to keep up with. I stumbled a lot, and that had nothing to do with the lingering effects of the stunbolt. No, I should have been strolling down these sacred halls, stopping to drool over every detail and giggle with mad glee.

C'mon, this was THE Tantive VI! A real honest-to-goodness spaceship! This was Princess Leia's ship! Any fangirl (or fanboy) worth the very beat of their hearts would have given anything to be here right now. It was a dream come true.

Correction: It was a nightmare.

The jackboots of the stormtroopers and officers bounced off the near empty corridors like a never-ending peel of thunder. Moans from the severely injured or dying was mostly swallowed by that ongoing noise, for which I was grateful. It was the occasional high pitched scream, cut off so abruptly, that punctuated that rolling thunder like morbid lightning strikes. Were they executing the prisoners? Seriously? In the movie, Vader had ordered them all brought to him alive! Who would be dumb enough to ignore an order from the Dark Lord, himself?

I jumped again as one more scream filled the air, a final plea for mercy, only to be silenced just as swiftly as it began. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Praji glance my way. Since Frick and Frack were so kind as to manhandle me on my upper arms, I had freedom in my hands and lower arms. So I flashed him a one-fingered salute. I'll let you guess which finger it was. To my annoyance, Praji completely ignored it.

Our little parade rounded a corner, and Praji put a hand up in front of me, Frick and Frack. Leia was herded ahead of us by her two douchebags in white. It was honestly like watching some mutated mockery version of knights in shining armor protecting their honored lady. Her face had lost some of that primness, settling into lines of grim determination. And was it my imagination, or did she look a little pale, too? It was hard to believe that the woman who had literally walked with her escorts like it was her idea to have them there in first place was afraid. But that's what I was seeing.

It sorta made me afraid, too.

And that's when I heard the reason why she was afraid. Heavy breathing. Electronic heavy breathing. In an even pattern that I knew down into the depths of my soul, that had frightened me as a small child and thrilled me as a teenager. Shit. Vader was here. The real Darth Vader, and not some guy doing cosplay. I'd seen a lot of Vader suits before at conventions, and none of them had sounded that real.

Had sounded like menace and death and I'm-going-to-swallow-your-soul all wrapped in one big black armored package.

I was trying to back away before I knew it, and the smug satisfaction that rolled off Praji nearly penetrated the terror cloud around my heart. He was enjoying this, the …uhhh… hrm. I was running out of synonyms for the title "jerk." I was going to have to start resorting to words like "dilhole," which I didn't care for, personally. Anyway, I hadn't even come face to face with Lord Vader yet and my body had already initiated run-for-your-life procedures. Praji shook his head slowly, signaling Frick and Frack to place me front and center before him.

"Have you something to say?" Commander Dilhole asked.

Oh, I had a lot to say. Nothing he wanted to hear, of course, but that didn't negate my desire to say them. I think my eyes reflected that, because his own orbs froze me with the flat detached look in them. The guy was pure ice, pure business down to his black little heart. And I was making myself his 'business' with each insolent remark or irreverent glance in his direction.

"Are you ready to answer my questions?" he asked, stepping forward until he was practically standing on top of me. "It will go easier for you if you cooperate."

Gloved fingers removed my gag. "Easier? Really, you think I'm going to fall for that? You called me a rebel, dude. Don't you Imp-dicks have standing orders to execute all rebels or something? You tell me how that's going to be 'easier' if I 'cooperate.' Dead is dead."

He smirked. He actually smirked. Part of me was surprised that his face didn't crack from the effort. The man took the term "broodingly serious" to a whole new level. "I was hoping you would say that. Your interrogation is going to be interesting to watch."

That stole some of the fight from me. "Come again?"

"I'm going to request, personally, to be in charge of your interrogation," he said simply and professionally, as if we were discussing the flipping wall color. "I want answers to my questions."

Me? Imperial interrogation? My brain not only didn't want to compute that, it flat out rejected the math. One plus one (me plus Praji) did not equal the two of us in a private little torture chamber. Nope. Not happening. Ever. One plus one equaled me getting the hell out of here. By any means necessary!

"I don't suppose we are open to negotiations on that, are we?" I asked through suddenly stiff lips.

His smirk became a smile. If sharks had lips, I'd imagine that they would smile that way. "I'm afraid we are past negotiations, rebel. You should have thought of that before you took an attitude with me."

I conjured up as much anger as I could, which wasn't much what with the looming prospect of a full blown imperial interrogation hanging over my head. But I wasn't going to let him know that. "So you're telling me there's nothing I can do to change your mind?"

He shook his head.

"Then what's my motivation to behave, dumbass?" I snapped. "See, you've got this all wrong. There's all sorts of trouble I can get into before you lock me in a cage, and believe me when I say it; I'm made of pure annoyance and trouble. You're supposed to offer me incentives to be good and junk. "

A body sailed through the air behind him, crashing into the far wall hard enough to break bone. It crumpled to the floor with a sickening wet sound, its head wrenched around at an unnatural angle. I yelped, trying to jump back. Said body was dressed in a rebel uniform. And over it all was that strong, dark, heavy, terror-inducing electronic breathing.

Praji didn't turn around. He didn't so much as bat an eyelash. "Is that incentive enough?"

I couldn't look away from the body, from the lifeless eyes. Yes! Good lord, please don't take me to him! I'll do whatever you ask! What came out of my mouth was "I hate you right now."

Yup, that was me, alright. The master of witty repartee.

"You're going to hate me for a much longer period than just now. In fact, you are going to hate me for the rest of your life, however long or short that may be." He looked over my head to Frick and Frack. "Bring her."

We started forward again, turning around that one last corner that would take me face to face with the Lord Darth Vader.


Leia was in full Pissed-off Princess Power Rage when Praji pulled our little group up short a few steps away.

"Darth Vader, only you can be so bold," she quipped, regal arrogance peppering her voice. "The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—"

"Don't act so surprised , Your Highness," he cut in, pointing a finger at her pert nose. "You weren't on any mercy missions this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."

She did her best to look put upon, like she was forced to sit next to that one kid on the bus that ate his boogers and smelled of urine. She managed a resigned disgusted sigh. "I don't know what you're talking about. I am a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."

It was a good show, and unconsciously I raised my hands to clap. I knew she knew where the plans were. Hell, I knew where the plans were. But no one was asking me (thank god!). Praji sent me one of those stone cold glares and I lowered my hands. Especially when I caught the tale tell glimmer of silvery cloth tucked away in his palm. Didn't want to be gagged again, thank you!

Vader didn't like her performance, or was just feeling like an asshat today. His anger flared so hotly that even Praji almost took a step backward. "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor," he roared, gesturing dramatically with one hand to the stormtroopers around her. "Take her away!"

And that's when Praji thought it would be a stellar idea to speak up. I made a mental note to read him the riot act for his darling choice of timing. Sure, let's present me to Lord Vader when he looked ready to Force choke the entire ship!

"My Lord," he stepped forward, so businesslike that Vader's white-hot gaze didn't so much as singe him. "We may have a situation. This prisoner here," he raised a hand and I was frog marched up beside him. "Has given me cause to believe that this Leia Organa is an imposter."

I thought I had gaped at him before. Now, I felt my jaw drop and figured my eyes were so wide that the orbs themselves were going to fall out of my face and roll across the deck. "I did what?"

I'll never forget what happened next, not for all of my days. Invisible steel-cabled fingers clutched my throat, yanking me around and lifting me two feet into the air. Seriously! Two feet into the air! But that wasn't the worst part, believe it or not. The cold dark liquidy wormy thing that appeared inside my brain was worse than being choked. It writhed around the inside of my skull, rubbing itself across my grey matter until I wanted to jab an icepick in my eye to get at it.

Vader was inside my mind, and he was probing my emotions!

I tried to think of anything and everything but the stolen Death Star plans. I made myself remember that one horrible hour wherein my best friend had made me watch an episode of American Idol, and followed that up with stomach-churning segments of The Jersey Shore. Hey, if Vader was going to go through my mind like a freaking card catalogue, then he could also suffer through some of the worst moments of my life, too. I ran through the first half of "Defying Gravity" from the musical "Wicked" before I started to black out.

Maybe I would wake up safe at home in my bed, and this would have all been some sort of dream brought on by too many energy drinks and too much time playing SWTOR. If that was the case, I made a mental note to lay off Red Bull and take a shotgun to my laptop the second my eyes were open.

No such luck, however. I got to enjoy the bizarre feeling of sailing through the air before crash landing against some very unforgiving stormtrooper armor. Before I knew it, Frick and Frack were hoisting me up by the arms again.

"No," Vader rumbled. "No, she is the real Senator Organa. I can sense it. Bring this one, too. There's something about her that is troubling. You have done well bringing her to my attention, Commander Praji."

"Thank you, Lord Vader."

Vader turned, collecting Commander Daine Jir in his wake as he stormed down the hallway. "Holding her is dangerous," Commander Jir was saying. "If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the Senate…"

Praji turned his calculating professional blue eyes back on me. And I couldn't help but think that he'd be such a hottie if he wasn't so, you know, sociopathic and stuff.

"Told you I was trouble," I croaked at him, my throat finally understanding what an orange felt like before it yielded up its juice.

His reply was to simply affix that gag back over my mouth. Then I was following Leia down the hallway and into the belly of a Star Destroyer.