A/N: Thank you all so much for the follows!
There used to be many words to describe Blaine Anderson, happy words that brought a warmth and special kind of honesty with them. Now the only words Blaine would place beside his name were harsh and cold words like 'lonely', 'lost' and 'empty'. Stupid had become his word of the week, it seemed a suitable replacement for last weeks 'broken', which was a little too self-pitiful for his liking.
He couldn't bring himself to get out of bed. There was nothing worth getting up for. Besides, who would miss him? Nobody cared for a fraud. That's all he was -a jerk who had just gone and ruined the best damn thing he ever had.
He kept telling himself he had his reasons, but the more he recited them in his head, the more poisonous and greedy those reasons became. He had been so lonely – Kurt, his precious Kurt had gone to pursue his dreams and had to leave him behind. He knew it was going to hurt, but he had no idea that it would burn this badly.
All summer long, he and Kurt had done everything in their power to be together every moment possible. They had spent every night in bed, loving each other like tomorrow was never going to happen and every morning was spent cuddled up under the duvet, feeding each other breakfast and laughing and kissing and just being in love, and it was all so perfect. Unfortunately for Blaine, it was too perfect. He fell more in love with Kurt than before and he didn't want him to go. But he knew how much Kurt wanted – no – needed this. And he was going to do the honourable thing and tell him he had to, even if it meant that he died a little inside. He missed him more and more with each passing day. But it wasn't just because of the loneliness – there was an underbelly of fear behind the loneliness that Blaine knew shouldn't exist, but he couldn't help but feel it. He trusted Kurt with everything he had, but it wasn't a fear of betrayal – it was a fear of being forgotten. Kurt had a whole new life now, and Blaine couldn't help but feel as though he was on the outside looking in. He hated the thought of Kurt outgrowing him – in a technical sense, obviously. He could understand if it happened though. Kurt didn't need a 'still-in-high-school' tag along, he needed a man; someone who could take care of him and be his crutch when called upon.
He needed someone to cook him dinner after a long, hard days' work, to rub the knots from his back and to love the daily trials and tribulations away. Blaine couldn't do that – at least not right now. Blaine had seen the men in New York, and compared to them, he was nothing but a little boy. Kurt deserves someone as special as he was, and half of the time Blaine wondered if he was just kidding himself when he thought about their future together. Was he really ever going to get that far with Kurt in the first place? Though he loved romantic gestures, being in love and just romance in general, he struggled to remember a time where love was present in his life before Kurt sashayed into it.
For a start, his parents didn't love him that much was bang on the money. If anything, they hated him. He was the son they had raised wrong. He didn't expect them to know how to love him anyway – they couldn't even love each other. His mother was a careless, self-sympathetic drunk. She couldn't do anything, or go anywhere without a bottle in her hand. Blaine still got a sick feeling in his stomach whenever he smelt stale alcohol – it was the only thing that greeted him every morning he was a little boy. Having to hear her having sex with random men when his father was gone on business trips was the worst of all. Though she was no mother to him or his brother, barely remembering they existed at times, she was still his mother and hearing the names those men would call her and the horrible way they degraded her for their own enjoyment caused an anger to bubble up inside of him that still scared him to this day. His father however, was a different kettle of fish.
While alcohol brought out some sort of emotion in this mother – be it good or bad, his father seemed as though he had no emotions whatsoever. He was a cold-hearted individual full of rage and hate. Blaine knew just by the way his father looked at him that he was disgusted by his son. He never looked at Cooper that way, but that was probably because he thought Cooper was just stupid, the village fool. Blaine was different. He got good grades in school, had a knack for learning things quickly and a passion for music that nothing could better. His father knew he was smart and perhaps that's was one the reasons why he had become to loath him so much. Perhaps his father thought that Blaine was going to become just like him and he could have something to finally be proud of. But that was never going to happen and that had become evident at a very early age. His father was a banker, a hated figure amongst the community. He was loaded and loved nothing more than frowning upon those that weren't. It was a sick and twisted passion of his, to hate the less fortunate. His father wouldn't dare help someone in need if his life depended on it, he'd rather watch them suffer. Blaine was different. He liked helping people. He got satisfaction from knowing that he was doing some good in this big, scary world. Plus, it was another way for him to distance himself from his father. And that was of the utmost importance to him, a fear that kept him awake at night – becoming the man he hated so badly, and there was one reason for that in particular.
His father was a serial cheat. Blaine would never forget coming home from school one evening, to find a stranger sitting in his father's lap – her lips red as blood, her eyes lined black as coal. Her hair was styled to perfection, not one stray hair out of place. Her petite and curved frame sat back against the arm of the chair as she peppered kisses all over his father. And all while his mother lay passed out on the couch. He was mortified, humiliated and above all else – mad as hell. He swore that for as long as he lived, he'd never dare to cause anyone that sort of pain. But, as he lay there in a cold sweat, eyes fixed on the rain falling outside of his window, he was slowly beginning to realise that he had already broken that promise – and the more he realised that, the more frightened at the prospect of what was happening to him he became.
He looked in the mirror the other night and saw an old man looking back at him. With hair slicked back and eyes of fire, a smile that would chill the coldest breeze. He saw his father. He saw him in himself and it terrified him.
He just wanted to be alone and miserable. But things weren't going quite the way he had planned…
"Hey little bro…"
Cooper gingerly stuck his head in the door, a sympathetic look plastered on his face.
"How you holdin' up?"
Heavy as his eyelids felt, Blaine still managed to roll his eyes, a groan of annoyance escaping him.
"I'm fine Cooper", he replied flatly, "Just like I was five minutes ago when you asked me."
Oblivious to his younger brother's annoyance, Cooper stepped into the room and plopped himself heavily on the side of Blaine's bed. As he proceeded to lean across his brother's exhausted frame, he pulled out a blue and red packet from his jacket pocket. Blaine kept his head buried in his pillow hoping that by ignoring Cooper he would get the message and leave him alone. He quickly came to the realisation that this was Cooper and he probably wouldn't get the message even if it were sticky-noted to his forehead. With a defeated sigh he lifted his head from his pillow to find the older man grinning at him like the cat that got the crème.
With his triangular brows knitting together, Blaine spat "What?"
Cooper held up the packet in his grasp excitedly, pointing at it while exclaiming, "Red Vines!"
Blaine shook his head meekly, squinting his eyes into a glare. "What the hell Cooper! Do you really think that sweets are going to help me right now?"
Cooper gasped, covering his mouth with his hand mockingly. "Blaine Devon Anderson; how dare you! Red Vines are not just sweets!" His voice went from a full booming tone to a whisper. Leaning toward his little brother's ear, he continued, "Red Vines are more than just sweets."
Cooper drew back, unimpressed by his brothers lack of enthusiasm. "Well, excuse me for trying help." With that, he proceeded to get up off of the bed. Heading for the door, he let an over dramatic whine pass through his lips, a whine that caused Blaine to roll his eyes, again.
"I'm sorry" Blaine sighed, "I'm just… I'm upset. And I haven't slept in days and I can't eat and I just.. I want to go back in time and make it alright." With that, the tears Blaine swore he wouldn't shed all came falling down in bucket loads. Crouching over, Blaine put his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking.
"What have I done Coop? I've fucked up so badly! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry."
Cooper shoulders slumped slightly, a pang of guilt stabbing at him. His little brother was falling apart right in front of him and he hadn't been exactly all that comforting. Cooper knew what Kurt meant to Blaine. That was why he was more than a little surprised by what Blaine had done. Cooper couldn't really judge Blaine all that much though; he still didn't know why Blaine had cheated. It was a very un-Blaine like thing to do. That's why everyone was so shocked by it; and angered. It was no secret that Kurt had friends that would take a bullet for him – Mercedes and Rachel being two. But Cooper knew that the person that hated Blaine the most right now was Blaine himself. That's what led Cooper to believe that what Blaine had done wasn't out of spite or because he wanted too, it was more like a rush of blood to the head.
"Blaine, with all due respect, I'm not the one you cheated on. Kurt needs to know you're sorry. And, he also needs to know the truth. The only way you're going to feel some sort of release, is by trying to make it better."
Blaine wiped stray tears on the back of his hands, trying to calm himself. Looking up at Cooper, his eyes tired and bloodshot, his voice breaking, "Don't you think I know that? I've tried! I've sent him flowers and I've called him. I've texted him and emailed him. I even sent him a Llama!"
"A real one?"
"No, stuffed. The postal service wouldn't fly a llama via airfare and he was too big to fit in the postal van."
Cooper sat back down on the bed, swinging an arm around Blaine's shoulders; he pulled him into his hold.
"Blaine, you've got to go see him."
"He won't even speak to me. Do you really think he's going to answer his door and welcome me with open arms? I'll be amazed if I don't get last season's patented ankle boot square in the face."
"And you'll deserve it."
"I know that!"
A harsh silence fell upon them, sitting there staring at the ground. Blaine shuffled on the bed, feeling the need to get something off of his cheat.
"Would you forgive me?"
Cooper dragged his eyes from the floor to look his little brother in the eyes. A sad smile grew on his face.
"No. But I'm insufferable. Kurt isn't me, and that's the point. Blaine, you can ask everyone you want – Gandhi, Jesus, hell even Sheldon Cooper couldn't help you now. You need to ask Kurt that question."
Blaine hated admitting it to himself, but Cooper was right. He had hurt Kurt in an unforgivable way; he had broken the trust of the man he loves the most and asking everybody else for their opinions wasn't going to get him away. It sure as hell wasn't fair to Kurt either. He should be the first and only person he asked and spoke to about this.
"I'm sorry I was acting like a jackass. I'm just really miserable right now."
Cooper flicked Blaine behind his ear playfully, receiving a chuckle from the younger man.
"It's just… I don't know what I was thinking. I was so alone and lost. I was terrified of losing Kurt to his brand new life. But that's no excuse for what I did. I've hurt him so badly. I'll be lucky if he ever speaks to me again, let alone, wants to rekindle what we had."
Blaine paused for a few seconds, gathering his shaking breath.
"To think, a few weeks ago, I was almost about to propose and make him mine forever. Now, I might have gone and lost him forever."
Cooper hummed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck roughly.
"He hates my guts right now and probably thinks that all of my love for him and us has disappeared without a trace; if he only knew the truth. I wish there was some way I could show him the commitment I was about to make to him. The commitment I wanted to make for him. Now, it's looking more and more likely that he'll never know and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life."
Cooper coughed uneasily, mentally fighting with himself on whether or not to tell Blaine the truth. Feeling he had no choice, he began, "Not exactly."
Blaine's head rose slowly from its slumped position, his eyes burning a hole in Cooper's face, now facing forward, afraid to look Blaine in the eye.
"Coop…" Blaine wavered, "What did you do?"
Cooper's eyes darted from side to side, swallowing a lump in his throat.
"Well" he began with a squeak, "Remember when you were trying to figure out exactly what you were going to say to Kurt when you proposed?"
"Yes…"
"And remember how you wrote it down on a piece of paper and hid it in the pocket of your old Dalton blazer where you thought I wouldn't find it but I eventually did?"
Blaine's eyes were bulging from their sockets as he continued to stare at Cooper, fuming at what he was hearing.
"Well, I might have – and it's only a might… I might have put that piece of paper in that box of stuff you sent back to Kurt."
Blaine's bulging eyes turned into a fearsome glare.
"Did you…" Blaine's voice reduced to a snarling whisper.
Cooper tried to answer but his voice was all but gone. He recoiled slightly, turning towards his brother and swallowing slowly, he nodded slowly.
Blaine wanted to grab a really big mallet and smack Cooper's head into oblivion. Because that wasn't exactly possible, he settled for his second option.
"Cooper!" He screamed, launching himself at his older brother, grabbing a firm hold on the scarf around his neck.
"He had to know, you said so yourself!"
"I'm going to kill you!"
"Hey! Don't take your anger out on me! I'm your brother!"
"You're an idiot!"
"Yes… But I'm still your brother!"
A/N: Reviews are huggles!
