[Halloween Bingo Prompt: Azkaban] [Warning for more tree violence]


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2. Burning Down the Stump

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"AZKABAN!? You left me in Azkaban Peter?!" Sirius screamed at the top of his lungs.

Peter by now had been reduced to a pitiful stump of a tree with just his face sticking out of the measly, sappy trunk. Much like his real life personality.

"I'm— uh—sorry?" Peter attempted to apologize for the hundredth time.

Sirius put away his chainsaw for a second to contemplate whether to forgive Peter Pettigrew or not. Sirius placed his hands on his chin, as one of his feet stepped on the stump. "Hmm...forgive or not to forgive, Peter, the rat, that is the question," he rambled to himself in some psychotic state that was mixing up his life with Hamlet. "Whether tis better to go drown with a sea of sorrows, outrageous fortune, slings and arrows, that sort of thing or just to ax away at the root of the problem...Hmm hmmm hmm..." he began to hum, before getting out a blowtorch and laughing.

"Ha ha ha! I think not, Peter!" he said gladly and pulled the trigger so that the blowtorch spat out a jet of flames into the air. "You know the best way to get rid of a tree stump, you know the muggle way? It's to burn it, you see, because it's got such long roots, that you have to cover the stump in kerosene and then light a match to it! Isn't that brilliant Peter?"

Peter the tree whimpered. "P-lease," he croaked. But Sirius had a mad glint in his eyes as he began emptying a canister of kerosene on top of the stump.

"You're going to like this Peter, hold on, we'll get you out of the ground. We'll burn your lousy stump right out of the ground!"

He winked as he turned on the blow torch and watched a huge jettison of flames reach out and engulf the tree stump.

Peter screamed madly. "It burns, IT BURNS!"

Sirius sat back down, conjuring up a lawn chair and tequila drink, to watch the bonfire. "Should've thought of that before you framed me," he said and took a sip of his drink. "Prick."

He then began to flip through the Daily Prophet and grinned as he saw that Albus Arsehole Dumbledore was still alive. "Now that is someone I need to pay a visit to! He was there at my scammy Wizegamot trial and just let them lock me up without even a trace of evidence!" Sirius laughed and rubbed his hands together, as he watched the pitiful stump reduced to flames, Peter still screaming in agony.

"Not now Peter, I have no time for chit-chat, I've got Dumbledore to catch next. Bye-bye, catch you later...if you're still around! Though why do I have a feeling you'll just be ashes by the time I come back?" He pretended to frown as Peter cried again in burning, smoking agony.

He was about to leave but then smiled and shook his head. "Wait, what am I talking about? How selfish of me! I should leave you music before I go!" Sirius then snapped his wand again and a muggle radio appeared before them. "You're going to like this Pete." Sirius grinned and pressed play. An 80s song "Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads began to play.

Sirius's hips swayed to the beat as he left the burning stump behind and jumped on his magic trampoline to the surface of the earth where Dumbledore, unaware, awaited.

"Ahhhh WATCH OUT! You might get what you're after!" Sirius bellowed as he jumped and flew up towards the city of London. He snapped his fingers again to make his horns disappear and appear like a normal wizard as he landed in Diagon Alley.

~o~


a/n - dumbledore was next...