I promised that I would spend the day thinking of all the reasons to be smart and not do anything stupid. Instead though my mind kept wandering back to the feeling of Ali in my arms; how good it felt to touch her hair.
I kept catching myself and each time I told myself that was it, I wouldn't let it go any further. Five minutes later each time I was right back where I started.
I was screwed. So screwed.
I walked up to her door and knocked softly. The door opened immediately, almost of she had been standing there waiting for me.
Ali practically pounced on me when the door opened.
After she had barely spoken to me or looked at me this morning I was surprised at this action.
"I'm really glad that you are here."
"Yeah I got that impression." I joked as she released me and smiled.
She took my hand and pulled me inside. Not saying a word she pulled me upstairs and to the Jason's old bedroom, which had since been converted to a guest room.
Flicking on the lights, Ali let go of my hand.
"You can say no if you want but I would feel so much better if you stayed with me. I hate being all alone here all the time. You don't have to pay for anything I just I don't want to be alone and I need you."
I was going to say no, I really was. But then she said that she needed me and hell I was completely at her mercy.
"Of course I will stay here with you, as long as you don't mind me bringing all my stuff here." Not that I really had that much but still it was more than was acceptable for someone staying in a guest bedroom.
"I want you to feel as if you are at home."
I just nodded at her. Yes I could have said something but really nothing that I had to say sounded appropriate. Yes I was in love with Ali but there was still a part of me that felt incredibly guilty; the only productive thing I had done all day was to text Sabrina and tell her I wasn't really in a good place to see her. I shouldn't have texted her, I should have had the nerve to tell her face-to-face.
"Are you hungry?" I'm sure it was just my nerves about this whole thing but I felt starving.
"I ate but I have some leftovers in the fridge I can heat them up for you."
Knowing Ali, it was probably something really good. The girl could cook!
"That sounds fine." This would give me something to focus on.
I followed Ali into the kitchen. I knew where she kept her wine and I decided that I was going to need a glass.
As she moved over to the fridge and began pulling things out I grabbed a glass from her cabinet and a white wine out of the small wine fridge.
"Pour me a glass will you? Ali asked while getting out a plate and some utensils.
"Sure."
When I turned back around I saw that Ali was slumped over leaning on the counter. Her breathing was too heavy and I realized very quickly that she was quietly crying.
I set down the glasses and walked the two short steps over to her. I wrapped my arms around her from behind and I felt her relax back against me.
"Why are you crying." I had a feeling that she wouldn't even know the answer, there was most likely way too many things to count that she was crying over.
"I'm so tired Emily."
I knew she meant mentally and not physically.
"I'm tired of feeling scared, of being hurt, of never knowing the truth. I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of not feeling loved by anyone. Its so lonely when you have no family and the people who were supposed to love you were lying to you. I'm tired Emily."
"Ali, I'm so sorry." What I wanted to say was that I loved her, even when she felt like no one else did.
"Why are you sorry?" She asked and she twisted around in my arms so that her face was staring up at me.
"You feel like no one loves you and I feel responsible for that."
"Why would you feel responsible?"
Here it was, here was my chance. I should tell her but was that even fair to her, fair to me. She just found out her husband was a crook and that her sister had been in love with him. She had just been tortured and they had all just covered up a murder. And yet I knew that I was going to tell her, regardless of if she felt the same, regardless of if I got my heart broken by her again.
"Because I love you Ali." I averted my eyes from hers, I wasn't sure if I could look at her as she broke me again.
I knew she understood what I meant. Yes I loved her as my friend but I was also in love with her and that is what I was trying to convey in this moment.
"Em." I heard her sigh.
I wasn't brave enough to look at her and I couldn't move away from either. If I let her go then I knew that I would lose any small chance that I still had being this close to her.
"Please look at me." She pleaded with me and just like everything else she asked for I would give it to her.
I met her eyes. I had expected to see the rejection that was sure to come but that wasn't what I found. She was looking at me the way I saw her look at Elliot once.
And because my decision-making skills had been so stellar today I decided to round out the whole day and go for broke.
I leaned down and captured her lips in mine. I felt her gasp into my mouth in surprise but she began to kiss me back soon after.
As quickly as it had started though I pulled away like I had been burned.
"I'm sorry Ali, I shouldn't have done that."
I was leaning against the opposite counter with my eyes cast downwards waiting for her to reject me or for a black hole to swallow me, whichever came first and so I didn't see her come over to me.
She lifted my head and leaned in again to kiss me. She attacked my lips hungrily and this time I wasn't afraid to keep going.
I turned us so she was pressed against the counter instead of me. I paused so hard against her that I am sure the counter was digging into her back.
In one move I had reached down to grab her thighs and lift her up onto the counter. This put her on the same level as me and gave me better access to her mouth.
This apparently wasn't close enough for Ali because I felt her wrap her legs around my waist and pull me closer to her.
I wanted her closer, I wanted to feel all of her but I also wanted to know what was happening and what this all meant. Reluctantly I began to slow my kisses and gradually pull away from her. I missed the contact instantly but I knew that if this was all she wanted, just comfort in my body then I would never be able to move on or be whole again.
"Ali." I breathed this against her lips, as I still could not pull all the way away from her.
"What?"
"You have to tell me if I'm crazy, do we have a chance or is this something else to you?"
"Em, lets go talk okay. I will tell you anything and everything. We can finally have an honest conversation about everything and then we can go from there."
This was better than what I had expected. I still wasn't ready to lose contact with her so I wrapped my arms around her and made the decision to carry her to the living room with me so I could keep her close.
This should turn out to be the most interesting and important conversation of my life.
