"Cute kid, isn't she?"
"No."
"Now, don't be like that. She's really not that bad."
Not that bad; as if it was a sample taken from a charcuterie platter of some tasting menu. That would've been better. Him and her, out at a classy restaurant, sipping on fine wines, then having ice cream as they strolled around the city hall, enjoying everything they should while living in the city as they dreamed for the future.
Instead they were here, trying to play with this child; a child that wasn't even theirs.
"Come on, babe, she's just shy. She just needs time to open up."
Dopey grin, eyes clear with affection; it was always like this. One person in the relationship always had to be overly sentimental towards the most trivial things and the other equally stoic. Granted, it was what attracted them to each other in the first place, but today it was really pushing it.
The child in question was, well, peculiar. It was the product of his estranged cousin and a bohemian psychic of all people. The unfortunate couple was claimed by a very preventable disease for which they refused actual treatment in favour of "herbal remedies" that would "cleanse their aura". It was pretty funny, albeit morbid.
It was less funny when there were talks of who would get custody. He had no siblings; his one other cousin was old and the child's paternal relatives were varying levels of unfit. Even the most incompetent courts wouldn't assign the kid to the psychic's extended family: most unemployed, all in poverty.
"I'm busy."
"The dishes can wait, I'll do them later. Look, she drew a picture of us."
With a resigned sigh, tired eyes lined with shadows surveyed the supposed masterpiece. It looked as much as anyone would expect from a child that age: scribbles and squiggles with blotches of color that dripped off the paper. That would have to be cleaned up later.
"That's nice."
"Yes, that's a beautiful drawing, Laby, it's beautiful." He cooed as he brushed her hair. The child's face broke into a grin as she shyly handed her drawing to him.
"Thank you, dear. I will treasure it."
Once, such a sight would have soured her so much that it would've instigated another argument. Their first argument over the matter: three months ago. It was also the first time they went to bed still angry at one another. Now as she looked, a spark of the old resentment screamed again over her growing apathy.
The last dish clinked onto the drying rack. Everything in the kitchen was spotless. She let down her hair that had been pinned up all day.
"Finally done?" He looked up. "Good, come play with us. It'll be fun!"
No, it wouldn't. She had tried dozens of time to ingratiate herself to this brat, solely for his sake. This little demon that dropped its dovelike ruse as soon as her new paternal figure was out of sight and turned its tantrums on her and did everything she could to make her life miserable? She had to entrust her beloved dog to a friend after the child had tried to "teach it manners", nearly poking out an eye. The child upended a table on her and called it an accident. And today…well, eventually one straw had to break the back, didn't it?
"Yes, play with me and daddy!"
She whipped around towards the child, finally meeting its eyes for the first time today. For one, raw moment, the elder's eyes were filled with abject horror. Her disgust increased tenfold when she saw his face was contorted with delight at the unexpected title.
And the child? Well, the child was smiling.
She backed away as one would from a loathsome toad and into their room, reaching for her coat. She didn't say another word as she grabbed her bag and headed out.
She had to move faster. She didn't want to hear the last few words, but did anyway:
"I…I'm sorry…" Laby's voice, thick with tears, crocodile tears.
"No, don't cry. Hush, Laby. She's just tired from work, she's not angry at you…"
She sighed. The more he doted on the child, the more he disapproved her own actions. She didn't care about that, not now. The door closed behind her with a soft click and she walked to the elevator, pressing the button with reasonable force.
She was not a child to be taking out her emotions on inanimate objects.
Stepping out of the condo, she walked towards safe harbour. How ironic that the place she just left she had once considered her primary haven.
"So he seriously plans to get custody of the child?" Rena stared. "And it called him daddy?"
"Don't call the child 'it', Rena. It's demeaning." Eve sipped her espresso.
"No, she's right. It did call him that but I'm sure as hell not going to be the 'mommy'. It's disgusting and frankly I wish that she never entered our lives."
It was a good thing that this group of friends was tight-knit and trustworthy.
"I can't believe it. He actually wants to start a family so soon…how long has it been since your student loans were paid off?"
"A year." She slammed her glass down. "After all the saving and interest and bullshit…a year. Just one year of finally enjoying life for a change before he wanted to ruin it all."
"Dumbfuck." Rose muttered.
"I get it, his dad died early, he always wanted to be a father, he's ready for everything…but not like this!"
Rena gestured her to quiet down. "You don't want a family?"
"In this economy?" Rose shrugged. "Not a surprise."
"No, I do." Eyes previously dulled with ire softened with thoughts of a vibrant future that had been discussed and encouraged in better times. "I've thought of it, and I think I do want children in the future, raise them right, make a home."
"But…"
"…not with that child." She finished her friend's sentence. "Is that so wrong?"
The girls sat in silence for a few moments. None would condemn their friend.
"It's not," Eve replied, "because you tried. You're not obligated to love a child that isn't yours."
"Still," Rena hesitated, "It's just a little girl. She's not responsible for her parents' faults."
"We're not blaming the kid for existing, Rena. We're blaming Ara's stupid boyfriend for thinking that she'll instantly love the kid and they can make one big happy family like an orange juice commercial."
"I…right." Rena nodded. "You're not ready to have children yet and she isn't even yours."
"Aisha's going to kick herself for not coming this time." Rose said. "So much tea is being spilled."
"Figuratively…and literally. No matter, she has her own problems to deal with." Eve slid a napkin towards Ara. "It sounds like this is an irreconcilable difference between you two."
"He won't give up on her." Ara admitted. To Eve and Rena, her expression turned apologetic. "I'm sorry for leaving Eun with you two. I hope she's not causing too much trouble."
"Not at all." Rena's face brightened. "She's a beauty and very well trained. I had never seen a Jindok breed before; I heard it's very hard to see one here."
"She's shedding a lot." Eve lightly chimed in. "But you shouldn't worry about that. She'll stay with us for as long as you need her to, so focus on your problems first."
"Thanks, guys." Ara finally smiled. "But enough about me; I don't want to hog the limelight. How're things with you guys?"
"You're late."
"Where's the kid?" She noticed the toys strewn about, the dirty dishes in the sink; messes she would no doubt have to clean again.
"The matron took her back. We're not her legal guardians yet."
We. As if both of them had agreed to parent the child.
"We need to talk," he said.
"Yeah, we do." She brushed aside a crayon on the ground, sending it rolling. "We really do."
"You don't want Laby." It wasn't a question.
"And you do."
"She's an orphan." He appealed. "I know you never liked her parents and frankly, they weren't great people. But she's an innocent and we can't just leave her to wither until she ages out."
"What makes you think we're ready to care for a child? Both of us have jobs. Who's going to make sure she goes to school and does her homework? Have you thought about books, medical bills, and the rest of the expenses a child her age would need?"
"We can make that work," he insisted, "if only you're willing to try. How can you just disregard her completely?"
Not. This. Shit. Again. "Really. You really think I haven't tried?"
"You're not doing enough!"
She stared, her face hot as if she had just been slapped.
He went on. "She's just a little girl without any family. Don't you feel sorry for her? Her parents are dead and we're the only ones who are capable of caring for her. You told me you wanted a family, too!"
"I do!" She snapped back. "I do, eventually! Not now, when we're both in our twenties and barely adults! We're still figuring ourselves out and now you want to throw in a child?"
"It's not just about 'a' child, is it?" His voice was harsh. "It's Laby herself. You never liked her in the first place."
"You saw her, holding around that 'magic mirror' and talking psychic nonsense, just like her father. She's nearly seven and still has an imaginary friend. Her temper tantrums destroy everything around her. And that's all the stuff that you manage to see!"
"We can grow her out of it. With her past, of course she would have an imaginary friend to cope with her trauma. Nisha is imaginary but it influences her to be positive."
Ara shook her head in disgust. "What about the crap she pulls when you're not around? Like hurting Eun? Throwing her juice, table, anything she can get her hands on?"
"I'm sure those were accidents," he said calmly, "and even they weren't, it's normal for a child her age. When she grows, things will be easier. You're being unreasonable, Ara."
Ara, ready to hurl another lash of fury, cut short at his last sentence. So, that's how he saw her now, was it? He was enamoured with the child; she realized nothing she said would change his mind on adopting the child. All those months of arguing, crying, promising to do better and understand…what a waste. What a bloody waste.
She loved him; they had been dating since third year university.
"I see." Her voice was cold and flat.
"You have to understand, Ara, that a child is different from raising a dog, but similar in some ways. You're patient with Eun, love her and feed her. But she's just an animal. Laby's a girl, and you'll find raising her to be more rewarding."
The lines in her face smoothed. All traces of rage disappeared, which he saw as slow acceptance. "Please, babe, try to understand. She just needs time to adjust. I know it's a tough period now with our jobs, but we can get through this. We can get her used to Eun. I'll do better. So please, don't…don't make this hard on me."
"I'm tired." She headed to the bathroom.
"Yes, sleep on it. You'll feel better tomorrow."
They slept on the same bed, a thousand hearts apart.
Usually they could sleep in on Saturdays, slapping together a brunch when the sun beamed through the window. He could make decent pancakes, but it was usually her that whipped up interesting things through the recipes that popped up on her feed: breakfast fondue, eggs benedict, apple-stuffed French toast with grapefruit glaze.
She loved cooking. She loved cooking with him, trying new recipes, using him as a willing guinea pig for her culinary experiments.
When she woke up in the morning, everything was cold. A chill whispered up her spine as she heard the door open and two pairs of feet patter inside.
"Babe, I'm home! I brought a guest so we can all eat together!"
His head poked in, laughing, "You sleepyhead, get up! Laby's hungry and I brought some groceries you might like."
He was just forcing the child upon her, upon all their activities that was specifically for them. Her head seared with pain and she heard the roaring of her own blood.
But she had never lost her temper in front of the child. No, that was not a victory she would give to the girl.
So she arose from bed, her fury restrained only to her eyes, which her bangs covered for the moment.
After washing her face and drying off, her face was placid. Her eyes were serene, unfathomable.
"Come on, we're hungry! What can we do to help?" He asked eagerly.
"Nothing, dear." A sharp ear may have detected echoes of strain, but to the good-natured Chung, he only heard fatigue. "I'll be done quick."
Buttered toast, eggs sunny-side up, a quick breakfast hash, and a special sauce made with herbs from her homeland. Chung loved it. It wasn't one of her more elaborate meals, but it'd do.
"Now, Laby, let's pray." Chung said. "Praise be to…"
"…to…"
"to the…"
"…the…El…Lady…"
"For this meal…"
"Meal…"
"...and may be blessed forevermore." Chung finished, and they tucked in.
"Mmm." Chung, as usual, scarfed everything down with relish. "Do you like it Laby?"
Laby pushed her plate around, looking hesitant. "Nisha doesn't like it."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What is Nisha's favourite meal?"
"Nisha likes candy."
"But what about you, Laby? A growing girl needs to eat, and Ara made this meal for you. Could you eat at least an egg?"
"Can I have ice cream later?"
"Only if you eat your breakfast, dear."
"Then, Laby will eat. But Laby doesn't like that sauce. It smells funny."
"Did you at least try it?"
"It smells funny! Nisha doesn't like it either!"
Ara stood up, putting her clean plate in the sink. Yesterday's dishes were untouched. A quick brush of the teeth, her favourite hairclip pinned, and she reached for her coat.
"Where you going?" he asked.
"Out. I told you before, remember?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to visit my brother."
"Oh, right, right. But Laby has a free day today, and I was hoping that we could spend a day together out at the park, explore downtown…" he trailed off.
"When was this decided?"
"Well, it's a little spur-of-the-moment." He scratched his head, looking hopeful. "I just picked her up this morning."
Yes, I know, she thought, I know that much. "Sorry, but I promised my brother."
He sighed. "All right. But try to come early, okay?"
The door closed behind her.
"My brother." She threw her arms around him, releasing pent-up emotion. "My brother, I missed you so much."
"As have I, sister." Aren held her close and frowned. "You have become thin. What ails you?"
"It is nothing. I will not burden you with trivial matters."
He turned and gazed. Few could withstand the penetrating stare of Aren Haan; it was part of what made him a splendid lawyer. "Sister Ara, your eyes are swimming with tears and your eyes hold resentment. Tell me who wronged you and I shall exact the revenge the eldest sibling will bear. But first…"
The familiar fragrance of incense, the cushions with gold embroidery, and the wooden table that now carried snacks, her favourite wonton soup, a plate of fried dumplings. Aren knew how to make a place feel like home.
"Eat, you will feel better." He gestured. "It has been months since I have seen you last. I am sorry that my last case took me out of the country but I am here now."
She blew her nose, having cried heartily. "Do not be sorry. I have simply made many mistakes."
Aren listened to his sister's story with a face that grew colder and colder. When she finished, he nodded, sipped his tea, and set his cup down.
"If you have any self-respect and sense, you would leave that scullion at once."
She winced. She had thought of it, yes, but to hear that be said aloud felt like a shock. But her brother could hardly be impartial; though he had always treated Chung with polite kindness, it was only because of her that he bothered at all.
"But you do not condemn me for not loving that child?"
"The child is blameless—as are you." Aren folded his arms. "But this boy, he invalidates your feelings in favour of the child's, he forces the child into the home and relationship you share, and blames the child's faults to circumstance. A child may be the product of their environment, but every child is a small person developing into a big person. They can make decisions, however small, that will become important."
She sighed. "I wish he could understand I'm not ready for a child yet. I feel like a terrible person for not being able to accept her as readily as him."
"It sounds as if the child is stunted." Aren mused. "She refers to herself in third-person, still has an imaginary friend well over the expected age limit, constantly craves attention, has trouble socializing with her peers…" he whistled. "If he were to get that child's custody, she will need a lot of help. The therapy alone…" He now looked at Ara. "Sister, forgive me, but this is too much."
"…"
"Do not misunderstand. I do not doubt your ability to raise a child." He reached over and clasped her hands in his. "But we are the only family we have here. I cannot bear to watch you suffer this under an uncaring boyfriend who neglects your needs."
"I…I know…" She was crying again, but he had to press her. This was a path that even if it held success, no matter how elusive, had a steep cost.
"Sister, can you understand my feelings?" He rubbed her back in soothing motions. In his mind, he was only solidifying a decision that was waiting to be made.
"I love him." She wept pathetically.
"I know. But it should not be like this."
It was a raw moment of weakness that Ara seldom showed, but she finally lifted her head. Her cheeks still had tear tracks, and his heart wrenched.
"What do I do now? The condo, the lease…"
"Don't worry," he said grimly, "we both have friends."
[Welcome to Moonbucks, can I take your order?]
"Very funny, Rose."
[I know. 'Sup?]
"Your friend, Edan. Can you give me his number?"
"Huh? Sure. Valak's going to kill you, though."
"I know he's gay, idiot. Just give me his number."
[Hello, Ara.]
"Hey, how's Eun?"
[She's fine. She stares at the door a lot. Misses you.]
"I'll come for her soon. Is the dog food running out?"
[We still have two days' worth.]
"I'll buy another bag and come tomorrow if that's okay?"
[Sure. I won't be home, though.]
"That's fine, I won't stay long."
[Okay. Listen, don't worry about it. Eun's doing a lot of good.]
"Is she?"
[She's intelligent, and Eve loves walking her. She's doing a lot better too, since the breakup. Gives her something to focus on.]
"That's good."
[Thanks. I owe you.]
[GREETINGS, friend!]
She cringed. "Why."
[It's a sunny morning, how can I not shout. Also, I'm still salty about last time.]
"You said you couldn't come, not my fault."
[Whatever. So are things getting better with Chung and the labia?]
She snorted.
[Hi, I don't take booty calls until 11pm. Please try again later.]
"Fuck you, Rose."
[Hm, maybe later.]
"Asdfgh, just…your friend, is he still looking for a roommate?"
[Eddie? Yeah, he's…oh shit! Is it finally happening?]
"Shut the fuck up and give me his number."
[Oh man, I am so going to be there for this.]
"No, you won't."
[Yes, I will.]
Yes, she would.
She was relaxed now, sort of. There were no more arguments (because she conceded to him every time), she did everything Laby asked whenever she was over (because she hated the noise), and cracked a smile whenever he or her said anything (because a smile placated people).
Amid all of this, he smiled in glowing approval. He went sweeter on the child, encouraging Ara to do the same.
Work was a way to de-stress. She enjoyed more of "happy hour". Her friends, some tracing back to university, were loyal and true despite their own problems.
For a while, even Ara could believe that it could get better. Chung, who had always argued and disparaged her, loved this happy family that, in his mind, Ara was finally coming around to. Laby was adjusting more, becoming Chung's little princess and even getting along with Ara. Maybe, just maybe, things would work and her contingency plan wouldn't be put to use.
"I've got a surprise for you," he winked, "so close your eyes."
She smiled. What was the occasion? She ran through her brain, coming up with nothing.
"I know you've been doing a lot for me—for Laby—so ta-dah!"
A candlelit dinner of spaghetti carbonara with a bottle of pinot noir; Ara had to admit, this was a nice and unexpected gesture. The last evening they had to themselves without arguments seemed to be…well, a long time ago.
So they ate, drank, and made merriment. Ara felt a surge of affection that only increased as he brought out the cups of vanilla pudding.
"I have even better news." His smile was so big that it looked as if to burst.
"Hm?"
"Here." He slid an envelope.
"What is this?" She stared at the contents uncomprehending.
"It's the application." He was beaming. "Remember how we were only providing respite care for Laby? I've applied to be a foster parent. The attorney said that would make it easier to adopt her in the future. Babe it'll be great…"
He went on talking. Why was he still talking? Her stomach recoiled as if it had suddenly ingested lead. All that she had sacrificed, all that she had endured, and he wanted to impose it with real permanence?
She was not angry, oh no. She was beyond that. She took deep, quiet breaths to calm the tremor in her hands and legs.
"I'm so glad you understand. Her school is far away and I don't want to change her environment completely. She can use the guest room, I'll drive her on Mondays and…babe?"
She finally rose up.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm done."
He cringed, dreading another lash of fury, but her face remained smooth. He had never seen such a cold expression in the almost-two years that they have been together. She quietly tucked in her chair. Her movements were stiff, as if her limbs were encased in ice.
"Ara, what…"
"I can't do this."
Great, not again, he thought. "Babe, we discussed it before, Laby is…"
"…a child that you want to claim. Go ahead, I won't stop you. But we—" She reached for a knapsack under her bed and slung it around her, "—are finished. I told you before: I'm not ready to care for a child."
"Ara—"
"I respect your decision." Even though you could never respect mine. "A truck will come soon to pick up the rest of my stuff. I found a termination clause, so you won't forfeit your deposit."
"Wait, how long have you—"
"I took care of everything else on my end." And, because Ara was human and couldn't help to be a little nasty, she threw in, "Have fun playing house with that brat."
She slammed the door behind him, feeling at once liberated and righteous in her savage triumph. What a beautiful performance! His stunned expression, after weeks and weeks of suffering, was exhilarating. She smashed the button, strutting out of the door past the apathetic receptionist.
She kept her head high until she knocked at Aren's place, and collapsed into his arms. Of course, she started crying, and of course, she couldn't stop.
Respite Care: Any time an orphan or a ward of the state is with someone other than their parent or the caseworker.
