Damon was at the bar, finishing off his bourbon, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He saw on his caller i.d. that it was Elena, so he smirked and prepared to find out why she was calling him.
"Hello," He said, possibly a little flirty.
"Damon, it's Elena, you have to come home right now!"
"What is it, what's wrong?" he asked, his eyebrows knitting together. He heard loud thundering in the background, "what's that noise?"
"I'm running down the stairs! Oh my god! There's a cockroach! There's a huge cockroach in the bathroom!" she screamed.
"Whoa, you need to calm down, maybe take a chill pill, or meet me at the bar," he smiled.
"I can't calm down! A cockroach just tried to attack me, Damon!"
"Okay, so what do you want me to do about it?"
"I need you to kill it! I need you to come home and kill it!"
"Arg, fine let me finish my drink."
"No you need to come home right now!"
"Why? Before the roach crawls away, into the recesses of the house, and comes out only at night, where it will haunt you, because now you've seen it, you know that's it there, but somewhere, because you can't find it, but you know it's lurking, somewhere," Damon whispered eerily into the phone.
"Damon stop! Please you have to come home and kill it!"
"Fine, but you owe me, big time!"
"Deal!"
"You promise?"
"Yes I promise! Now hurry home!"
"Vamp-speed powers activate!" he cried into the phone.
"Alright," he said, opening Elena's front door, "where's the big, scary monster?"
"I've contained it in the upstairs bathroom," Elena said, coming to greet him.
So, Damon stomped up the stairs and swung the bathroom door open.
"Well, where is it?"
Elena poked her head out from behind the doorframe and whispered, "It's behind the toilet."
"And how do you suppose I kill it?"
"Squish it with your boot."
"You want me to kill a cockroach with my new Givincio Bianni limited edition boots?" Damon turned to Elena.
"Yes," Elena insisted, nodding.
"Not happening."
"Oh," Elena jumped, "I'll get one of Stefan's shoes."
"Good idea."
So Elena watched, safe from the hallway, as Damon entered the bathroom and then listened for the loud bang that would indicate the death of the big scary bug. After the bang, Elena heard the toilet flush and then Damon exited the bathroom.
"There, all taken care of."
"Oh, thank you," she sighed, "this is like the third time this has happened, I'm beginning to think we have a roach problem."
"Hmm, you should probably get that checked out. Now, about what you owe me," Damon pondered.
"What?" Elena groaned.
"I've decided what I want, a kiss."
"No, not happening."
"Why not? We've kissed many times before," Damon smirked.
"Yes, but only in the moment during certain circumstances, not on command."
"Elena, just kiss me."
"Fine," she said closing her eyes and waiting for him to come closer.
"Oh, no, I'm not kissing you," he said, "You have to kiss me."
She sighed and grabbed his head, turning it to the side. She edged closer and wetted her lips, batting her eyelashes as he absorbed every feature on her beautiful face. Just as she was about to reach his lips, he closed his eyes, and with a slight twist of her wrists, she moved to quickly kiss his cheek. Then she turned as raced as fast as she could down the stairs.
"Hey, that's not a kiss!" he complained.
"It's not my fault you never specified!" she called.
"I killed a bug for you!"
"I do your ironing for you!" she countered.
"Hey you that know my shirts are one hundred percent cotton and I always have trouble getting the creases right!" He called down the stairs.
Damon and Elena were sitting quietly in the kitchen, drinking coffee, when Jeremy swiftly entered from the living room.
"Okay, do not go in there, there is a huge spider crawling on the wall!"
Damon smirked, "Now I see why you didn't call him."
Damon was smiling as he opened Elena's front door and quietly entered the house.
"Come on Cody the Cockroach, it's time to scare Elena," he whispered to the Tupperware bowl that he had in his hands.
Damon crept up the stairs and into the hallway bathroom where he crouched down and popped open the lid to the bowl, allowing the cockroach to escape to its favorite location behind the toilet.
"There you go Cody, go hide and don't come out until Elena's home."
"What it that?" Jeremy asked, standing behind Damon.
"Ahh, Jeremy, I didn't think anyone would be home," Damon said surprised.
"Hah, I managed to sneak up on a vampire," Jeremy smiled, "now what are you doing?"
"This is Cody the Cockroach," Damon said as an explanation.
"So, when you kill the bugs, you're not actually killing the bugs are you?"
"I do actually kill the spiders, but this guy has been a project of mine for the last couple of weeks. I go in, stomp the floor with my foot, flush the toilet, and then return Cody to his plastic bowl in my coat pocket. And Elena gets more freaked out each time she sees him."
"So she has no idea what you're doing?"
"Yes, and if you tell her, I'll have Cody and all his friends come and invade your bedroom, got it?"
"I didn't see anything," Jeremy said, backing out of the room with his hands in the air.
Damon was sitting at the bar the next day, finishing his bourbon, when his cell phone buzzed in his pocket.
"Hello."
"Damon, it's Elena, you have to come home right now!"
"Let me guess, it's a cockroach, in the bathroom."
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Elena, I'm a vampire, we have a sense of these things."
"Well good because I need you to come and kill it! I really have to go to the bathroom!"
"Just go downstairs."
"I can't, there's a cockroach in there too!" That was Cody's cousin, Carlton.
"I don't know if I can do it this time, Elena, your kiss last time was pretty disappointing."
"I'll kiss you properly, full on the lips," she said desperately.
"Seven minutes in heaven?"
"Don't push it."
"Second base?"
"You know, I'm actually not that scared of cockroaches anymore, I'm more scared of your desperation for a romantic encounter with me."
"Fine, I'll settle for French."
"You'll be getting chaste."
"Elena there are two cockroaches."
"Two chaste kisses, then."
"Deal."
