Barret Vs The Burger King Mascot: Original Trilogy


First Bout


Barret decided to take a trip from Midgar and travel to a nearby city to have lunch at Burger King. When he arrives, he steps up to the counter and looked around for the nearest worker so he could order.

"Hey! I want some service!" Barret yells out, pounding his fists on the counter, bashing a gigantic hole in the middle.

As soon as he did, the restaurant's mascot: The King, dressed in red robes, a crown, and sporting a creepy happy-like frozen expression slowly rises up from behind the counter.

"About damn time! I want a Whopper Meal with a large Coca Cola!" Barret says, slapping some money on the counter.

The King took the money and handed Barret his tray of food. Barret went and sat down in the eating area and began munching his burger. His eyes flew open as he spits it out.

"What the hell is this? I didn't order no damn BK Big-Fish!"

Barret then took a chug of his drink, in which he spat out as well.

"They gave me a warm-ass Coca-Cola! That does it!"

Barret gets up and stomps over to the counter with his food. He stops in front of the King and slams the entire tray of food in his face, then snatches his money back.

"Worse !&#$ service ever! I'm outta here!" he yells, storming out of the building.

Later That Night...

Barret gets home from blowing up another Mako Factory and sets his stuff down on the couch.

"Damn I'm starving! I'll just have to get somethin' to eat tomorrow morning," says a tired Barret, yawning.

With that said, Barret drags himself upstairs to his bedroom and takes off his work clothes and slips under the covers. He turns out his lamp and begins getting comfortable.

That's when he heard breathing close by his side.

"The hell?" Barret says as he flicked his lamp back on and sat up in his bed. He turned and saw a large lump lying underneath the covers next to him.

He throws the covers away and screams. It was the Burger 'King', lying down facing him while holding a double bladed axe.

"Son of a bitch!" Barret yells, jumping out of the bed. He readies his gun-arm and begins firing at the 'King'. The 'King' leaps out of the bed and rolls on the ground, turning to Barret and throwing the axe at him, almost hitting Barret in the crotch. The 'King' then makes a break for it down the hallway.

"You ain't getting away from me, burger-bastard!" Barret yells as he runs out toward the hallway as well.

"Where did he go?" he says, looking around for any signs of the 'King'. He takes a step forward and trips over a rope suspended across the floor.

"Huh?" Barret says, looking up to witness a huge-ass log tied to a rope swinging down toward him. Barret gets up and jumps out of the just in time as the log crashes into the wall where his bedroom is, destroying it completely.

"That bastard's dead!" yells an enraged Barret. He runs toward the railing overlooking his stairs and sees the shadow of the 'King' moving about below him.

"I gotcha now!" Barret says grinning, pulling out a grenade from his pocket and throwing it over the railing below.

Just as soon as he threw it, the grenade was thrown back at him

"$#&!" Barret yells, getting out of the way. The grenade explodes, destroying his entire second floor of his house.

Barret got up from beneath the wreckage and saw the 'King' trying to sneak out the door.

"Oh no you don't!" Barret shouts, charging out of the wreckage and tackling the 'King' before he could escape.

The two then started to brawl, with Barret throwing punches left and right, while the 'King' tried countering by swinging sharp, hot, pointy French fries at him. Barret eventually got the upper hand and trashed the 'King', followed by throwing him in a large dumpster and kicking it down the street.

"What he hell did I do to deserve this?" Barret yells out, looking at his half-destroyed home.

He sighed and re-entered his messed up house and slept through the rest of the night.

The Next Morning...

Barret wakes up bright and early to see the light shining through the curtains. As he rubbed his eyes, he noticed the shadow of someone walk in front of his window.

"That Burger King bastard is back again?" Barret grumbles, as he gets up and reloads his gun arm. Slowly approaching the window, he flings open the curtains and prepares to fire, but stops to see someone else standing there instead.

"Cloud? What the !$&# you doin' in front of my window?" he says angrily.

"Just thought I take a short-cut through the side of your house while going to Tifa's..." Cloud says, scratching his head. "By the way, what happened to your house?"

"Nothing happened, now go away!" Barret yells at the spiky-haired blond. Cloud shrugged and was on his way.

Barret shuts the curtains and wipes his brow.

"What a crazy-ass night. Well, off to work," he says, before seeing another shadow of someone walk outside in front of his window.

"Cloud! I thought I told you to hit the road!" Barret says angrily, flinging the curtain open again.

"Oh shit…" Barret says, as he was face to face with the 'King', who stood outside his window smiling evilly while holding a rocket launcher.

Barret grabs another grenade and throws it while the 'King' fires his rocket.

A large explosion blanketed the area as thick smoke erupted from the two's attacks.


Second Bout


Barret, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, Cait Sith, and Red XIII were all eating lunch at Burger King a week after Barret's encounter with the restaurant's mascot at his house that night. While everyone else ate, Barret was too busy scoping the area for any signs of the Burger King Mascot.

"Barret, will you chill out and eat already?" Tifa says in between bites of her burger.

"Yeah, listen to the little lady and eat your damn food," Cid added, sipping his soda.

"I'm telling you guys, that mother-#$&!# Burger King Mascot is out to get me again, I'm sure of it!" Barret says, loading his gun-arm as he continued to peer around the restaurant.

"Dude, relax. Though I'm still a bit skeptical of your story on how this guy blew up half your house in all, we will know if something isn't going right around here," Cloud says.

"Yeah, like, what could a wimp like that possible do to a bear like you?" Yuffie added.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Barret says as he got up and left the table.

"Where are you going now?" Red XIII asked.

"To take a dump," Barret says as he went into the bathroom.

After walking down the hallway, he went in and did his business. He washed his hands and then opened the door, starting to make his way back.

Suddenly out of nowhere the Burger King Mascot jumps him from behind and swings a sharp, over-sized onion-ring around Barret's neck trying to choke him.

"Son of a bitch!" Barret yells as he tries to fight off the 'King' and remove the hot, sharp ring from around his neck. After a brief struggle, Barret manages to throw the 'King' off of him.

"You want some more, bitch? You got it!" Barret yells as he raises his arm and begins firing at the 'King'. Acting quickly, the Burger King Mascot rolls out of the way and runs out of the hall and around the corner. Barret growled and began perusing him.

Around the corner, Barret saw the 'King' dive over the main counter. He decides to follow suit and started to climb over the counter himself, but was quickly met by a large serving tray that the 'King' used to smack Barret with.

Now pissed off even more, Barret punches through the tray and then grabs the 'King', slamming him into the deep frying machine. He takes his hand and began forcing the 'King's' headed into the hot boiling oil, but the mascot retaliates with a kick in between Barret's legs.

"ARGH!" Barret yells as he doubles-over from the kick. The 'King' then uses the opportunity to perform a DDT on him. Barret quickly recovered and grabbed the 'King' by his robe and swing him out of the kitchen and near onto the play-area with the giant tubes where the kids can crawl through.

Barret ran after the 'King', running past the table where the other FF7 cast was sitting.

"Did you hear something?" Cait Sith asks.

"No," Vincent says, the only one of the group who actually noticed that Barret was being assaulted.

"You're going down!" Barret yells as he spotted the 'King' get up and start crawling through the play-area's tunnels. Barret dove in as well. Though it was a bit snug, he still managed to crawl after the mascot.

About halfway up, Barret lost track of the 'King'.

"Where'd that bastard go?" he growled.

As soon as he says that, a stream of soft-serve Vanilla ice cream began pouring down the tube Barret was in.

"Whoa whoa WHOA!" Barret yells as he lost his grip and began sliding back down the tube backwards right into the ball pit.

As Barret resurfaced from the colorful balls around him, he was knocked back down as the 'King' belly-flopped right on top of him. Several rounds of gunfire from Barret's gun arm streamed many directions out from underneath the balls as he tried to shoot up the 'King'.

"Hee-YA!" Barret yells, kicking the 'King' off of him, and then shoving him through the nets back out into the eating area.

The 'King' got up and picked up a nearby chair and attempted to swing it over Barret's head, but Barret stops it mid-way and tosses it aside. He then proceeded to grab the 'King', lift him up into the air, and chuck him through the outside window with a loud crash.

A minute later, Barret, beaten and bruised, drags himself back to the table and flops down hard on his chair.

"Barret, where have you been? Did you fall in?" Yuffie asks, poking fun at him.

Yuffie was suddenly met with an Angus Burger in her face, which Barret had thrown out of frustration.

"Damn you Burger King Mascot, I'll be ready to finish you off the next time we meet…" Barret says, clenching his fist in rage.


Third Bout


Another week has passed since Barret's second encounter with The Burger King Mascot at one of his fast food chains. Avoiding a third encounter with that creepy mascot, Barret heavily armed himself wherever he went. After feeling a bit of relief of not facing The Burger King Mascot in a while, Barret goes back to his usual routine of blowing up Mako Factories.

One evening after decimating Sector 7's Plant, Barret gets in his car and decides to take the freeway home. As he drives onto the on-ramp, he notices a large 18-wheeler truck drive up beside him. The truck stayed next to Barret through most of the drive home.

"What the hell is this fool doing?" Barret says as he began speeding up to get away from the truck. That didn't work as the truck drove faster to catch up with him. Barret stuck his head out the window and yells at the driver of the truck.

"Hey! Move your no-driving ass out of the way!" he says. Shortly after, the driver of the truck revealed himself as Barret says those words.

It was The Burger King Mascot.

"Mother-$#&!" yells Barret as The Burger King Mascot swerved his 18-wheeler into Barret's car, ramming it into the highway's shoulder.

"Shit!" yells Barret as he tried to regain control of his car. He somehow managed to do so, but The Burger King Mascot swerved again, ramming Barret once more. Now his car was spinning out of control.

"Waaaaaah!" Barret yells, as the last thing he saw was an off-ramp fork, in which he collided into with a great crash.

Everything went black after that incident.

The Burger King HQ

Several hours later, Barret slowly began to regain consciousness.

"Ugh…oh…shit man…what the hell…happened? Where…am I…?" he asked groggily as he opened his eyes.

He was in a dark, cold room, tied up to a chair. His gun-arm was removed, and he had several scratches and bruises all over his body.

"Urg! What's going on?" he growled as he struggled to free himself, but to no avail.

Moments later, door from behind him opened, and a shadowy figure stepped into the room. He walked in front of Barret, and flicked on an overhead light.

It was, you guessed it, The Burger King Mascot.

"You! What the #&#& do you want with me?" Barret yells at him in pure anger.

The Burger King Mascot turned around and rolled over a TV toward Barret. He popped in a videotape, and turned it on.

"What's this?" Barret says as he watched the video.

The video showed recording of Midgar Elementary School during recess. The camera pans over to a young kid and his pals picking on another student.

"H-hey! That's me when I was in 3rd-grade!" says a shocked Barret.

The camera zooms in closer on the kid being picked on by young Barret and his gang.

That kid was a smaller kid-version of The Burger King Mascot when he was little.

"You mean to tell me we went to the same school together?" Barret says, still not believing that he had picked on The Burger King Mascot back in school.

The video continued to show Barret continuing to torment The Burger King Mascot throughout Junior High, High School, and even College.

"Oh shit…" Barret mutters, as he looked at The Burger King Mascot. But soon his expression turned angry.

"That's still not going to cover the fact that you got my order wrong when I first ate at your damn restaurant!" Barret responds.

The Burger King Mascot gave a 'Oh really?' gesture at Barret.

"Yeah, I got video footage too! Check my left pocket!" Barret says. The Burger King Mascot did what Barret says, and pulled out another videotape. He popped it into the VCR and pressed 'Play'.

This tape showed Barret giving his order at Burger King. The Burger King Mascot goes into the back and purposely grabs the wrong order and gives it to Barret.

"Yeah! What now, bitch? Now you know why I was pissed off that day!" Barret says angrily.

The Burger King Mascot shook his head. He moved aside the TV and pulled out a machine gun and pointed it at Barret.

"So you're going to shoot me for being rude to you all these years? I may not remember all the things I've done, but you're taking this shit too far!" Barret says, not letting his guard down.

CRASH!

Suddenly, the door bursts open. Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent, Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Cid rushed into the room and pointed their weapons at The Burger King Mascot.

"We're here to help, Barret! Vincent eventually told us about this guy who has been stalking you for almost a month!" Cloud says.

"Yeah! So let our buddy go you big meany!" Yuffie says to The Burger King Mascot.

The Burger King Mascot lowered his weapon and snapped his fingers. From out of the shadows came several familiar individuals who seemed to be working for him.

"What the hell?" Cid says as Ronald McDonald, The Taco Bell Chihuahua, Wendy's Dave Thomas, KFC's Colonel Sanders, Jack from Jack In The Box, The Cactus from Taco Time, and Jared from Subway came into view. Everyone but Jared was holding dangerous-looking weapons.

"Hey, you don't look intimidating!" Tifa says to Jared.

"You wanna bet?" Jarred says as he unzipped his costume, revealing his 500-pound fatass self before he went on the Subway diet.

Cloud rushed forward and cut Barret free from his ropes with his Buster Sword.

"Barret, you handle The Burger King Mascot, we'll take care of the rest of these fast-food psychos!" Cloud says as he and the others got into battle.

"Damn straight!" Barret says in relief, as he noticed 'The King' run up a flight of stairs trying to get away. Barret was soon on his trail.

"Oh no the hell you don't!" Barret shouted as he went after his foe.

Halfway up the stairs, Barret caught up to him and tackled 'The King'. The two wrestled and rolled across the floor, exchanging blows. Barret grabbed a nearby vase and smashed it into The Burger King Mascot's face. He retaliated by popping Barret across the face with the butt of his machine gun. Suddenly, something fell out of The Burger King Mascot's robe.

"My gun-arm!" Barret says as he snatched it away and reattached it to his arm. "Eat lead, ass-hole!" Barret shouted as he began firing at 'The King'.

'The King' dodges the fire, and begins shooting back himself. The two continued to exchange shots as they made their way across a long hallway, evading each other's attacks. Halfway down, 'The King' spots a nearby elevator and hops in.

"Damn," Barret says, as he looked up and saw what floor 'The King' would end up on. So with that, he rushed up several more flights of stairs until he got the floor where his foe would appear. As the elevator opened, Barret was about to open fire, when he saw 'The King' holding a rocket launcher. Barret yells as he was bombarded with several rounds of giant BK Chicken Fries.

After falling to the floor, 'The King' continues running down the hall and goes through a side door that lead out onto the building's roof access.

"Get back here!" Barret yells as he got up and followed him outside.

It was almost sunrise as the two continued to battle each other with a mix of melee and ranged combat. Eventually, 'The King' got the upper hand. He had backed Barret to the edge of the 50-story building and had him at gunpoint.

"So this is it…" Barret says, heaving from exhaustion. 'The King' cocked his gun and was ready to shoot at any moment.

That's when Barret had an idea.

"Hey! You're robe is unzipped!" Barret pointed at The Burger King Mascot.

'The King' looked down at his robe, and no sooner then he had realized that his robe didn't have a zipper; Barret grabbed him and vaulted him over his shoulder and over the edge of the building. 'The King' fell down the skyscraper and hit the ground below with a crash.

It was over.

Barret slumped own to the ground and smiled.

"Finally…finally! That damn Burger King Mascot is gone for good!" he says with satisfaction.

Shortly thereafter, Cloud and the rest of the FF7 crew joined him on the roof after they had defeated 'The King's' cronies.

"Is that bastard gone?" Cid asked while helping Barret up to his feet.

"Yeah. I don't think he could have survived that fall. Let's go home, everyone," Barret says as he and the others made their way back into the building.


Please review and keep watch for the next story: Barret Vs The Burger King Mascot: Ghost Bout, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!