I shoulda told him during our second year together. I almost did, the day he tested his theory about a suspect by almost taking a header of the top of a building. Jeez, I didn't know which I wanted to do more that day, hit him or kiss him stupid. Hit him for scaring me, all I could think was that I was about to lose another man I loved, and I hadn't even had the nerve to tell him. Kiss him stupid just for still being there, beside me, breathing, walking, talking.
I started thinking, soon after that, there just might be something more to how he saw me than just friendship. I mean, there was the case where that jerk of a veterinarian stripped down to his undersized underwear right in front of me and Goren kept stepping between us. Not that I wanted to see what the guy wanted me to look at but there was something about the way he instinctively protected me, almost a hint of jealousy about how he'd looked at the suspect that day. Oh, I knew, it was probably just wishful thinking on my part but a girl can hope can't she.
There were other things as well, when I looked back over the previous months. The photo he took when we were investigating at the nightclub for example. I'm certain he didn't know he kept it, but I am a detective, and a pretty good one if I do say so myself. I saw him slipping it into his pocket as we left the club that day, I still wonder where he kept it during the following months. I never saw it when I was in his apartment during those evenings when we'd head to his place, so that he could cook us a decent meal instead of the takeout we tend to eat in the squad room during long cases. He'd started insisting that we take a proper break and his apartment is much closer to the office than my house and, therefore, more convenient. I liked to think he enjoyed cooking for me, he certainly seemed more relaxed during those evenings than he ever had when we went out for a meal together. Maybe he worried what people might think if we were seen, alone, eating in a restaurant late at night. There may not be any regulations against fraternization but it's certainly frowned upon in most units. Or maybe he was just more comfortable in his own space, even with me invading it.
Then along came Wallace, again. The viper, that's how I think of her when I think about how she played him during the Croydon case. How I wish she'd given me a reason to use my gun. I hated it when I had to actually take a shot at someone but for Wallace I could happily have made an exception. The way she messed with his head drove me crazy, so lord only knows what it did to him.
Well no, I did know what it did to him. It set him off-balance, she unsettled him in a way no other suspect ever had. It's wasn't a sexual thing, I knew from how he'd talked about her, he'd not attracted to her in that way. I think it was more a frustration that he can neither help her nor apparently stop her. He hated the lack of closure when it came to her, I got the feeling it somehow reminded him of his own childhood trauma, something he'd never really found a way of completely coming to terms with.
After that case was closed I knew we probably couldn't get any closer as friends than we were at that point. I could've just let it slip one night, sitting on his sofa, watching some old movie because we were so tired we couldn't actually absorb any more information from the files we'd brought home. I could, after one beer too many, have leaned up against him, let my head rest against his shoulder and, on the very edge of falling asleep, whispered "Love you", as if it were the most natural thing in the world. If I was wrong about the signs I thought I was seeing he could simply pretend he hadn't heard, I could pretend I'd already been asleep and been dreaming of Joe or we could both pretend I'd simply meant it 'as a friend'. I never quite worked up the nerve though.
So another year of our partnership went by and we grew closer still. He started coming to my family 'events'. After all, when you're from a family of cops your partner is part of your family. My parents would have been seriously disappointed if, after so long as partners, they hadn't had the opportunity to get to know Goren, or "The Big Guy" as my nieces and nephews quickly christened him, on a more personal level than simply listening to my stories at family dinners.
Goren was accepted as a fixture in the Eames 'Horde', as my father affectionately likes to refer to his nine children and their respective 'other halves', children and, in the case of those serving on the force, partners and their families. If there was a family holiday coming up my mother would always remind me to bring Goren along, she even started to refer to him collectively with my six brother and my brother-in-law as 'her boys'. My nieces and nephews called him Uncle Bobby and, more than once, people visiting on of my family's gatherings for the first time made the assumption that Goren is my partner in the personal rather than professional sense.
I don't suppose that should have surprised me, given the way my family behaved around the two of us during family parties, but somehow it always did. It never seemed to bother Goren, in fact, he would usually leave it up to me to explain the reality of the situation on those occasions. My denial of personal involvement would often be undermined by derisive snorts and chuckles from various family members, a situation not helped by my partner's habit of being more tactile around me when we're with my family than in any other situation.
Oh, you want an explanation of that last comment. Okay, here it is. When we were on duty, unless we were playing a couple, Goren's only physical contact with me was a hand lightly resting on the small of my back when we were walking together, a hand up off the floor after I'd taken down a suspect or, very occasionally, a reassuring hand on my shoulder or arm. When we were alone together, at one or the other of our apartments, you could add allowing me to sit leaning against him to that list and occasionally a friendly touch of his hand to my upper back or some other safe area, and a very occasional quick hug.
When we were surrounded by my family it was different, I guess he knew it was safe and nothing could possibly come of anything with the Horde around. It was at these times that Goren truly relaxes and Bobby 'came out to play', the physical barriers came down and we touched each other far more than we normally would. We hugged, exchanged friendly shoves, nothing more than Goren would exchange with his old buddies like Lewis, Steve or Chris. Then there were the seating arrangements when we'd all be sitting around on the lawn at my parent's house, if Deakins ever saw us he'd have had a heart attack thinking the rumours at work were well founded. After all, wouldn't you think we were a couple if you saw me sitting with my back resting against Goren's chest, his long legs stretch out to either side of my own and his arms resting comfortably either around my waist or shoulders.
Very few people Goren who met through work ever saw him that relaxed and I can honestly say I was honoured to be one of those few. I have to admit I thoroughly enjoyed those moments, I certainly made the most of them. Thinking about it I really should have told him at some point during that time, but I didn't have the guts.
