Chapter Two: Disharmony

In his mind, Garrus was still beating his head against the wall when the elevator doors opened on the highest level of the ship. His face didn't betray this internal punishment and he would never let it. Shepard was feeling better after all. That was not saying a lot since she had been near catatonic moments before and was crying a moment after that; but it was progress regardless and not progress that Garrus would let his brooding over unrequited feelings and incompatible anatomies undo. He kept close to her, but not too close, and Shepard herself invited him to follow with a language that only knowing her for what felt like a decade could teach.

"God, I could really use a drink." she said simply, with an unspoken but clear invitation to have one as well.

Garrus knew she kept a few bottles in her cabin to avoid having to go all the way to the lounge to get supplies for a private drink, but he didn't really know what was in her personal supply. Not that it mattered. Alcohol was oddly the most universal drink between their species. Not including most wines there were only a few human kinds that were dangerous to the other races. Wines weren't a danger he'd be risking, since Shepard didn't really like wine. That Garrus knew that about her and Jacob never figured that out while they were dating pleased a small and petty part of the turian.

"I know what you mean." he replied as the door to the cabin shut behind him.

Other than the bits of exposed, but safe wiring from the not quite finished military retrofitting, the cabin looked mostly the same as Garrus remembered it from the one or two times he'd been inside during and after the Collector mission. It was larger than any apartment he'd ever lived in, and honestly could house two people comfortably.

Garrus fought back the image that came to mind of him coming out of the shower in the morning and seeing Shepard with breakfast ready for them and her daughter Sylvie. He made especially sure it was dispelled before the day dream version of the little girl smiled and called him Daddy. He wasn't in any state to handle that being just a fantasy, especially since he was getting near that age where he was starting to want kids. The 'biological clock' stereotype isn't only a thing that happens to women.

"I only have turian-safe drinks, so you don't have to worry. Grab whatever you fancy from the shelf there." Shepard pointed to the shelf near her desk as she passed it and headed over to the couch.

"Aren't I supposed to be here for you? What do you want to drink?"

"Well, I'm just in the mood for a drink in general, so I don't really care. Nothing fruity though if there is still a fruity one there."

Garrus looked over the drinks, surprised a little that she would ever stock fruity drinks, "How often are you in the mood for something fruity?"

"After missions a lot of the time, but I rarely get drunk. Have to be in command you know."

"Yeah." as he replied Garrus suddenly noticed something out of place, "Wine? I thought you had only had-"

Shepard tensed, her expression falling, "Throw that away. I might shove it up Jacob's ass if you don't."

"Oh. So... you have it for-"

"Jacob. I got it on the Citadel when we found him and were getting ready to go extract him. Silly of me to do something romantic like have his favorite ready and waiting for him. Right?"

"Not at all. You're too good for him, Shepard."

"Obviously not."

"His poor judgment is no reflection on you." Garrus pressed, stowing the wine away in one of his belt slots for something he had in mind later involving target practice, though the shoving thing was tempting, "Hell, if anything... nevermind. That's not really any comfort."

"What?"

"I... I was going to say that he wasn't man enough for you and knew it, but-"

"Yeah, that doesn't really make me feel any better at all." Shepard sighed, "I make men feel insecure about their masculinity because I'm a damn fine soldier and a strong woman? Bah! I don't need to feel bad about being good."

Garrus came around the corner into the sitting area with a drink in each hand, "And you shouldn't. You just need someone that is comfortable with a strong woman."

Shepard grinned as she reached out and took hers, Garrus noted that like always she knew exactly which one he meant for her with no hint about it, "I'm not into krogan's though, Garrus, so I'm at a bit of a loss."

"Krogan aren't the only options for that."

"I think I might just give up for a while. Not like I have time for romance with the war on. Why should I stop for a candlelit dinner while hundreds die?" thinking about the war turned her expression south again and Shepard set down her drink with a sigh, putting her head in her hands, "What am I supposed to do, Garrus? I know I have to stop and rest sometimes, I'm useless if I can't stand up; but every time I close my eyes I can't help but think of the people I could be saving. Every second I am not fighting is one second longer people are dying. What do I do, Garrus? I'm coming apart at the seams as it is and now this? Now Jacob does this to me? I-" Shepard started to tear up again, "I'm not strong enough."

Garrus grabbed her hand from her face and squeezed it comfortingly, "There's nothing to say really other than you are strong enough. Do you see any one of us doubting you? That time I got shot by that merc chopper did I blame you for not taking it down before it did? Nobody expects you to be a god, Shepard. We are counting on you because we know that your best effort is our best chance."

"I still can't help feeling like every death is my fault because I haven't stopped the Reapers yet."

"You're forgetting how many lives you're saving every time we go out. You saved the entire krogan race, Shepard, and you don't see it because Mordin died. You saved the quarian's and the geth and can't see it because Legion died. You can't see it because you won't stop and look." Garrus wanted to throw in that she couldn't find true romance for the same reason, but didn't, "Just stop and look."

Shepard squeezed his hand back, but her expression only lightened slightly, "You're right. I need to stop for more than just my stamina."

The commander slouched a bit, reaching for her drink, "I'm so tired that it's hard to see the big picture. I've been in so many knots since the attack on Earth. With Kaiden back in my life, Sylvie still missing, and the moment I think I might have some respite Jacob betrays me."

"I'm sure Sylvie's alright. They just haven't sorted through all the refugees yet."

Shepard leaned back on the couch, her head lolling to the side as she exhaustedly kept looking at her friend. She didn't seem to pay any mind to the fact that this put her head on his shoulder, "I've been having nightmares ever since the attacks. When we were taking off in the Normandy a boy I'd tried to rescue that ran away from me ended up on a shuttle instead. It looked like he was going to be alright, but then a Reaper destroyed the shuttle. At first I dreamed of my failure to save him, but then he turned into Sylvie. Every night, I run through a burning forest trying to catch her, and I can't save her. Every time she catches fire as I reach her and burns away in front of me."

"Shepard... I don't know what I can say. No wonder you haven't been sleeping well."

Her eyes started drooping a little from sheer exhaustion, but were also rimmed with more tears, "If I could just see her again... know she was okay."

Garrus gently wiped the tears away, "You'll see her again. I know it."

The gesture put a small smile on her face, "You're too good to me Garrus. You shouldn't encourage me to be this weak."

"There's not a single weak part of you. Hell your tears will probably kick me out a window for trying to get rid of them."

That got her to laugh. Actually it was an uncharacteristic giggle that she only let herself do because she was too tired to make it sound less girly. The moment of civilian-like behavior made her sit up sharply and look disgusted at herself for a second, "God, I do need some sleep. I'm getting giggly."

"I'll make sure the galaxy doesn't fall apart while you take a nap."

"Definitely too good to me." She smiled, nonchalantly walking over to her bed.

As she put her omnitool on her bedside table and got ready to climb into bed, a part of Garrus wanted to go over and embrace her, confess everything and kiss her like a human man could, and take her to bed like a human man would, whispering in her ear that he would make all her pain and suffering go away, meaning every word of it. Her going to bed with him still there wasn't any kind of invitation though. Shepard didn't have the foggiest clue how unintentionally cruel she was being by leaning against him like she had and climbing into bed around him. Every single window to act on his feelings that he forced himself to ignore was like trying to crawl face first through razor wire to escape a paradise you didn't actually want to escape. He'd keep crawling though, because she was in no condition for him to be selfish like that. That fact he was thinking of his own feelings at all made Garrus ashamed of himself.

"Thanks for everything, Garrus. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without you."

"Like I said before, the same things but less stylishly."

"Much less." She smiled back, "I'll see you later."

"Yeah. See you later, Shepard."

Garrus waited until she climbed into bed, taking a moment to enjoy the rare sight he figured he was weird for enjoying and having brief fantasies about joining her. When he was sure she was actually going to bed and not going to run off and work more, he headed towards the door. His keen hearing barely caught the sound of her breathing steadying as she drifted off and Garrus let himself think that his comforting had helped with that.

He was about to go through the door when the console dinged from someone 'ringing the doorbell'. Garrus glanced back to Shepard to see if she was still asleep and opened the com channel at a low volume.

A noise he hated came over the speaker, "Shepard, I'd like to talk to you for a moment."

"She's sleeping, Kaiden. She needs her rest more than she needs you."

"Garrus? What are you doing in there? With her asleep?" the jealousy in his voice actually made the sound of it much easier on Garrus' ears.

The turian couldn't resist prodding him, "What you should have done on Horizon."

He meant 'be there for her', but if Kaiden interpretted it as hugging and kissing then that suited the petty side of Garrus just fine.

"How long are you going to hold that against me?"

"Come back later, Kaiden. Shepard is resting."

"I'm not going anywhere. Let me in, Garrus."

"No."

"I have the right to talk to the mother of my child."

"How long are you going to keep using that to hurt her? I told you she needs to sleep."

"Dammit, Garrus! If you want to start a fight with me, do it when there's not a steel door between us!"

Oh, did Garrus ever want to beat the crap out of Kaiden. He wanted it almost more than he wanted to hold Shepard in his arms, but, "I don't want to fight you Kaiden. That would wake her up. What part of 'Shepard needs sleep' do you not understand?"
But Kaiden couldn't back off, not in this situation. He couldn't let Garrus win and both of them knew it. If Kaiden didn't get through Garrus this time, he never would. Even though neither of them thought of Shepard as a possession, Garrus was staking his claim to the territory. Making a move on her or not, he was stepping into the window of opportunity and making sure he would be blocking any other window that opened. It was now or never.

The signs of an omnitool bypassing the door controls made it clear that Kaiden was picking the now option. Garrus gritted his teeth at the sentinel's selfishness and started counterhacking, "You are such an asshole, Kaiden."

"Let me talk to Shepard, Garrus. I'm not leaving until I see her."

Another voice suddenly joined the struggle, obvious to the fact that two men were fighting over her, "Garrus, what's going on? I thought I heard Kaiden."

The com channel, still open, let Kaiden hear her and answer, "Garrus won't let me in. I need to talk to you."

Garrus did his best to take the growl out of his voice, "I tried to tell him you were sleeping and needed rest, but he wouldn't take no for an answer."

Shepard sighed, pressing the button to let Kaiden in, "What is so important, Kaiden?"

"I wanted to make sure you were alright and say some things I should have said a long time ago."

"I told you she was alright." Garrus shot back.

"You told me she was sleeping."

"And she needs the sleep. Yet here you are keeping her awake."

Shepard put a hand on Garrus' shoulder, "It's fine Garrus. Thanks for worrying about me, but it's not like he's going to keep me up forever."

Kaiden nodded, "Like I said, I just wanted to make sure you were okay and try to patch things up between us."

Shepard shook her head, "Kaiden, I'll be fine. As far as getting back together I already told you that wasn't going to happen."

"Just give me a chance to apologize and explain myself. You don't have to forgive me right away. I know you just got your heart broken-"

"Again." Garrus interjected with a stabbing tone.

Kaiden gave Garrus a glare that said 'Why are you still here?'

But it was Shepard that actually replied, "Garrus... could you..."

Garrus saw the look on her face. It was obvious she still cared for Kaiden and wanted to hear what he wanted to say, wanted him to be able to make amends. He also knew that he should let them talk it through. He was the father of her child and Garrus knew Alenko was sorry, yet he was still getting in the way of Shepard's chance at a loving, happy, normal family. Although Garrus hated it, he refused to be as selfish as he thought Kaiden had been when he insisted on seeing the sleeping Shepard. If Shepard could be happy with the bastard then it wasn't Garrus' place to get in her way.

"Fine." Garrus replied, unable to hide the frustration in his voice, and snatched up the bottle they had gotten drinks from from the nearby counter. He stowed it away on his belt and walked out, "I get it. See you later."

"Garrus?" Shepard was taken aback at the behavior, confused as to why he was so upset.

The turian meanwhile, was beyond the comfort of anything but the pointless self-destruction provided by copious amounts of alcohol. He didn't stop his angry march until he reached the hallway just outside his post at the weapons systems, where he yanked the bottle from his belt and chugged it remorselessly as he very aggressively leaned against the wall.

"What the hell am I even doing? If I was going to be possessive I should have done it a long time ago! Why am I grabbing at chances I missed ages ago? Dammit, Vakarian, you're such an idiot!"

Such was his self-loathing and despair that he didn't notice that he'd grabbed the wrong bottle from his belt until the wine was mostly gone and his stomach was a burning cauldron of wretching nausea. He stared at the bottle as the pain boiled his balance from under him and he hit the ground, struggling but unable to force the stuff out of his stomach. Garrus convulsed as he fought against the darkness trying to steal his conssciousness from him.

Next Chapter: Death and Division

A/N: Thanks for the positive feedback on the last chapter! I appreciate any feedback (positive or negative) on chapters. It's a good motivator and knowing how the audience is reacting is good for knowing if I'm getting the right feelings across. Also, if there are spelling and grammar errors I missed, I apologize. I'm in the process of switching computers and had to write this chapter in WordPad, which lacks spellcheck. Next chapter, more talking and more internal angst about unrequited love! Fear not, however, because I actually only intend this story to be 4 or 5 chapters. It may or may not include some events of the Citadel DLC, but will certainly include a new version of the game's ending that I am sure you will like.