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Always is never enough – Part B

Oh, how much she always loved these sunsets. She watched them as a kid, a teenager and still the last years. Now she wishes she could still feel the warmth radiating from the huge orange light, slowly vanishing.

But even the grey grit beneath her feet she cannot feel anymore. It was more a kind of floatation she does now.

As she lets her gaze wander down from the sky and onto the path that leads to the hole, her eyes finally finds the one person she is looking for.

Her boy makes his way slowly, but deliberately over to the grave that would be hers in a few minutes. His head hangs low and his hand clasps that of her girl tightly. Her eyes mist as she sees her three children standing in front of her coffin, crying, but together, supporting each other. Rusty has a family now. He does not really need her anymore. She was sure, all of them would pull through.

All of them but him.

A few steps from her children he is standing. His face is expressionless, he is thin and his skin almost ashen. His gaze is so empty, she wants to touch him, tell him, they would be alright eventually. But they won't.

And she cannot touch him, talk to him anymore.

She is dead. And the reality of that fact crashes onto her as the priest starts talking. She starts crying tears, that will never touch the ground. She does not listen to the man. She always wished a really catholic funeral for herself. But now, when she gets it, she cannot care less. All she sees through her tears is Andy watching and turning the red rose in his hand. She involuntarily hisses when blood starts dripping from his index finger. But he does not seem to care.

She is pulled out of her thoughts by the light creak of the machine that lowers her coffin into the ground. She cannot believe that inside of the wooden box is her body.

However, there is not enough time to think about when she downright senses Andy collapsing physically and emotionally. When his tears start, she would give everything to just be able to hold him in her arms. Just for this moment. But she cannot do that. She wants to be near him, but she is afraid to see his face more detailed, because that would mean seeing his emotions. She fears what she would see there. She fears he is giving up.

So she just remains behind the group around the grave and watches Provenza and Patrice crouching down beside him, trying to get through to him. But he does not seem to even notice them. He just knees on the gravel and the tears are endlessly streaming down his cheeks.

She notices the others watching the scene, waiting for something.

After a few more minutes his tears stop. He keeps his eyes on the ground as he raises to his feet once again. She makes a few steps through the crowd and stands close behind him as he positions himself in front of her grave. She longs to smell him just one more time. It always calmed her.

As he releases the flower in his hand, she cannot hold back the quiet sob. It is too much pain watching the man she loves crumbling about losing her. But she is also very proud of him for having the strength to finally say goodbye. Tears are streaming down her ghostly white cheeks and in the same moment it starts to rain. Forgotten is the warm, orange sunset. Instead, she looks up into a dark and angry sky, the clouds releasing drop by drop.

When Patrice carefully pulls him away and the others start throwing white roses onto the dark wood, she can get another look of his face. He looks so… so broken. She sighs deeply and slowly raises her right hand, longing to touch his cheek like she always did. But she stops midway, something holding her back. He pushes Provenza's umbrella away from him and continues to stand in the rain. He lifts his face upwards and closes his eyes. Despite the situation Sharon feels her lips forming into a little smile. When she told him about the diagnosis in the park it started to rain. They cried together, but then he grabbed her hand and they started to dance in the rain, their clothes getting drenched. But they just felt the moment together. It is one of the most important memories she will take with her.

She knows she will have to leave soon.

When she lowers her gaze again, the others around her are walking away, leaving Andy behind. She follows him back to the grave and positions herself behind him as he crouches down. She does not expect him to say something. So when he does, it breaks her heart once more and more painful than before.

"I love you so much, Sharon. I will never, never stop loving you."

One lonely tear slides down her left cheek and she knows she cannot hold back anymore. She just needs to touch him.

Carefully she lays her hand on his left shoulder and slightly squeezes it.

"I love you too."

Surprised that he is moving she watches his hand going up to his shoulder, trying to cover hers. His fingers glide through her hand and fall onto the fabric of his suit as if she is not really there.

Well, she is not really there.

But he turns and looks up, almost right into her eyes.

She smiles through her tears when she sees just a bit disappointment and predominantly love in his gaze. He knows she is there.

"I miss you, my love."

Sharon takes a deep breath and leans down. With all the love she can offer as a dead woman she presses her lips to his forehead.

"I miss you too."

She knows he cannot hear her, but she knows she will never really leave him. She watches him touch the place her lips were just seconds ago while closing his eyes.

He will carry her in his heart. Always.

Even if always is never enough.

THE END