A/N: Hey sorry for the long wait! No copyright infringement intended. If you do not like sad works I direct you to my other works that are happier. Enjoy.
They piled into a limo. Originally Alexander had intended for them to just drive, but his friends Hercules and Lafayette had insisted he and his family were in no state to drive. They had split the bill insisting he take a limo. Alexander was secretly grateful, he would be a wreck navigating traffic.
The short 30-minute drive was agony. Alexander and Eliza had decided on a small private cemetery as opposed to the big one next the high way. They had picked cemeteries like they picked colleges with Philip. They had decided a plot by a massive maple. They figured Philip could climb the tree and see New York. The tree also shaded the plot from snow and blaring sun; they wanted Philip to be confortable. They wanted Philip to be left in peace and not have paparazzi swarming the grave. Alexander had been quite renowned in D.C when he was working with Washington. But with his earlier fame and the scandal, rumors and news reports flew. Everyone knew and the family was determined to keep this as private as possible.
They were at the gated cemetery and sure enough people were swarming the car. They heard yelling and people banged on the car windows.
The younger children seemed scared by all of this commotion and scooted closer to Eliza where she covered their eyes and flipped the bird to the onlookers. She knew it was wrong and there would be pictures of it but she didn't care. Eliza was angry now. How dare they do this? This is my son! She looked towards Alexander who also looked infuriated, clenching his hands even tighter. If it had not been today he might have rolled down a window and yelled for them to clear out. But today was too filled with Alexander's brash mistakes. It would see almost ironic to do anything but sit here quiet.
Finally, the guarded gates opened to allow the limo in.
Finally, the family stood in the small nondenominational chapel.
Finally the ceremony started.
The funeral had very few guest. It was Alexander, Eliza, their six children, Alexander's two living friends Lafayette and Hercules and Angelica. Eliza's family could not attend on the account of either being dead or too old to move down for the ceremony.
Eliza and Alexander would sit in the first pew, Angelica and the children in the one behind and Alexander's friends who sat in the 3rd.
An organ began to play and Alexander knew this was the moment when this was all real. He picked up the white pine coffin with he help of Lafayette and Hercules. A small choir began to sing as they began to lift and take Philip's coffin to the table by where the Priest stood.
There is a fountain filled with blood
Drawn from Emmanuel's veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains.
Lose all their guilty stains,
Lose all their guilty stains;
Alexander was so happy his friends were here. Not just because the coffin weighed more then expected form both weight and knowledge of who was inside. His friends were not just friends but family. The Philip had been particularly close to them, even calling them Uncle Laff and Uncle Herc. Alexander remembered many a 4th of July family barbecue, when Lafayette would teach him to curse in French and Hercules teaching him how to throw his voice and change accents.
"Alex," a whisper came.
"Huh?"
"Alex, you need to step up, we're at the steps to the stage," Hercules whispered.
Alexander had been so out of it; he had not noticed his shins were up against the small step.
They maneuvered; the coffin onto the table and Alexander opened the head of the coffin. He did not look in. Not now.
They all returned to their seats and the funeral began. No point calling it a ceremony anymore, it was now a funeral.
Alexander saw when he sat down the floral arrangements and Philip's college photo from when he had been honored as an accelerative student and on the way to being valedictorian. The photo had King's College in the background and Philip leading on a light post looking radiant. He had decided to wear just a t-shirt and jeans, which Eliza objected to but didn't fight.
Now his son was sitting in the white coffin in a white suit. God who's idea was this? This is a funeral he should be wearing back and this coffin should be black. But they had decided white because they remembered Philip like his mother detested black. He had jokingly said, "Don't put me in a black standard coffin." Eliza had told him not to say such things and Alexander had asked out of curiosity, "What color then? Brown?" Philip in dead seriousness said, "White. Put me in a white coffin, that way when the sun shines through the stained glass, my coffin will light up with color."
Philip was eerily right. The sun shown through the generic stained glass and Philip's coffin was covered in brilliant color much like the paintings they still kept that he had done in his free time. Alexander knew Philip had always wanted to attend art school but had been urged to go to law school instead.
Maybe if he had gone to art school he wouldn't be dead.
The sermon was given and Alexander was not listening. These words meant little, they were generic. "He has joined the Lord" and the phrase "he was a noble kid, taken too early" was tossed around. Alexander hated this priest every passing second.
Damn it! Why did I have to be impulsive again? We could have waiting but instead we rushed. This is not what Philip deserves!
Soon it came time for eulogies. Hercules and Lafayette both stood up and gave theirs. It was light hearted and even elicited a few laughs.
"I remember when he was just this tall," Lafayette gestured to his knee, "he asked me "Uncle Laff why is your voice weird it doesn't sound like mommy or daddy's voice". I told him I was from the land of bread. I mean I was not lying. Baguettes, croissants and such. I remember Philip's awe. Philip was always so trusting. But when I had to tell him I was kidding, he didn't seem angry or like a 5 year old would act. He just smiled and forgave me."
"The boy is just like his father! The first time I met Philip, I knew there was no mistake as to whom the father was. I remember when I had a small dispute with Lafayette here, and Philip came over and listed every reason I was wrong. That boy had a keen sense of justice and had a born gift to debate," Hercules said.
Angelica gave her eulogy, which sounded more like poetry then a eulogy.
"There are moments where the words don't reach. There's a suffering too terrible to name. You hold your child as tight as you can and push away the unimaginable. The moments when you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down. There is a grace too powerful to name, we push away what we can never understand, we push away the unimaginable..." every one was in tears by the power at which Angelica spoke. She never hesitated and spoke with conviction.
To no one's surprise Angie's eulogy was just like her Aunt's. Full of passion and emotion.
"Philip was the best brother I could wish for. To say he was taken too soon is an understatement! 78 is the average age of death for a man in the United States. That is 59 years too soon! The only that lifts me, is Philip did not have time to live life with regrets, did not have enough time to see friends and family die. He did not need to suffer as we do, for years. He lived his life, to it's potential. He told me everyday was a day to do something, because tomorrow is not promised…" her words faded.
God how did my children grow up so fast? She is so much like Philip in her words, it's like he is speaking.
"And now we will hear a few words for his father. Mr. Hamilton would you like to come up now," the priest said slurring, as though he was drunk. Perhaps he did drink, the only way to numb the pain of death. Anything right now to take the pain.
As Alexander walked to the podium he flashed back to that day.
The phone had wrung and he was about to dismiss the call when he saw the ID. Ramos Teaching Hospital. He picked it up and the news came. His son was in the ICU and he needed to go down there to confirm the body. He remembered he had to get there soon because this person they said was his son was dying and he might not have that long.
"Elizabeth!" he called from his office. Eliza had come in startled.
"What.." before being cut off.
"Philip, he-he is hurt. He's in the hospital, they saw we need to get there fast," he said falling over his words.
Alexander had his appear with his eulogy and began to read.
"Philip Hamilton. My son. I shall not ramble on as I am often known to do because the words that need to be meaningful and of quality, not quantity. I want to recite something. Something my son once said."
Clearing his throat he recited the poem Philip once wrote. At the time he had been too busy to relish the moment.
"My name is Philip. I am a poet. I wrote these words just to show it. And I just turned nine, you can write rhymes but you can't write mine!" Alexander began. He felt his throat close up, "I practice French and play piano with my mother, I have a little sister but I want a little brother." He then looked up at Angie and Alexander Jr.
"My-my daddy's trying to start Americas bank. Un deux trois quatre cinq!"
"My son wrote this and I now look back and realize, I was not there enough. Sure I always ate dinner with him and the family and I did help him, but I was not there from him emotionally. He is my son and I truly, truly regret not asking him what he liked. I worked so hard to mold him to be like myself, I foolishly thought that was the only way to make it in this twisted world."
Alexander had more but he simply broke down. Now was when all of the floodgates opened. He just stood there frozen with tears streaming down his face. He felt someone come up next to him and he knew it was Eliza.
"Eliza," he whispered, "I am so sorry. I am so so sorry for not giving the eulogy right."
"Shh, shh," she coaxed as she led them back to her seat.
Then came the conclusion. Just simple remarks about how again this was such a tragedy and the funeral was over. Eliza had chosen not to speak on account that she had private words for Philip she didn't want the whole world to hear.
Now was the time for Philip to be 'Viewed', which sounded horrible. But they had agreed it was right, so people could say their last good-byes.
The first one's to enter was Eliza and Alexander. They had decided to not have their children join them. The children were all so distraught and it would be cruel to put them through more heartache. So Angelica accompanied the children back to the Hamilton's house and agreed to look after them.
Eliza and Alexander held hands as they reentered the chapel. Philip's coffin still sat there on the table.
"Mr. Hamilton sir, the bullet entered just above the hip and lodged in his right arm," the doctor had said.
Now for the first time after the accident they saw their son. The freckles. The curly hair. The slight smile remained.
"Philip," Eliza said.
Without realizing it she began to brush his curls out of his face. Alexander stood on the other side rubbing his hand on Philip's shoulder.
"My son. You know we named you after my father because he had taught me so much and I wanted to pass down those teachings to you. But besides that love, you were so special. You were your own person and that is something I always wish I could have done. You taught me more then I think I taught you."
Eliza unlike Alexander let out ugly sounds and her tears did not come down slowly but in steams.
"I wish I could have protected you better. And look you are seeing me crying. No child should see their mother cry like this," she sobbed.
They were in there then in silence, each giving their silent prayers.
"I hope you are not alone," Alexander said so quietly Eliza barely heard, "I hope where ever you are someone is with you. And I will be there just as soon as I can, to properly apologize. I hope you aren't scared."
"It was my inaction, my reckless behavior that made you do this," Alexander continued.
"Not your fault," Eliza reassured Alexander.
They then had to leave. Others had to say good-bye.
The two just stood silently eating the bland refreshments.
Soon came the horrible time where Philip had to be lowered into the cold, lonely ground. They all walked to the spot where Philip was to be laid to rest. As they walked the Hearse led the way. The June sun seemed to warm for such an event.
They all reached the plot. The priest continued to mumble clichés and nonsense before closing his Bible and stepping aside.
Alexander saw the man take out a hip flask and take a drink. Alexander knew this was wrong but he couldn't stop himself. He stomped over to the man and punched him. Everyone gasped.
"My son is dead! The most you can do is drink? Fuck I could be drinking right now to dull the pain but you know what? I deal with it! I deal with the harshness life hands us and here you are drinking! You could at; least try and be sincere you..." Hercules pulled Alexander off of the man and Alexander caught his wife's eye.
"I am so sorry!" he said urgently, "I know you don't like to see violence and I promised no not be brash anymore. Please I am so sorry Eliza. Don't be angry with me again."
"It's alright. I've been thinking the same all day."
With that piece of business out of the way, everyone through a handful of dirt into the hold, where Philip's coffin now sat.
THREE WEEKS LATER
It was the 36th time Alexander was at Philip's grave. Alexander visited every afternoon before coming home and sometimes during his lunch break if he had time. He placed his hand on the same spot of the angel's head that adorned the stone.
Philip Hamilton
1997-2016
You made us so proud
The grave was still adorned with the dried up remains of flowers from the funeral. Alexander as he did every day brought one branch with asphodel flowers. Asphodel signified regret that would follow to the grave. Alexander went through a lot of trouble to be able to give one a day to his son. He wanted Philip to know his regret and eternal love. He didn't want Philip to doubt even for a second if he was loved.
Eliza didn't visit often. The sorrow overcame her and she would be inconsolable for days. So she contented herself to thinking of him every day and praying to him at night.
The children all went to grief counseling and slowing began to move on.
But Alexander knew he had to see his son. He knew it was hard but he needed to be there. It was the only way he could ever so slowly forgive himself.
"Hey Philip buddy. What's new?" Alexander said starting up a conversation. The first couple of times he would whisper or just cry.
"Guess what I learned today? I guess you had a girl friend Theodosia. When where you going to tell your old man eh?"
"She seems really nice and is going to visit you sometime tomorrow. She told me she was working at some camp this past month and she didn't know. But I will let her tell you about it when she gets here. Tomorrow is a Saturday, remember when we would go to the zoo on Saturdays?"
He continued on with the current news. He knew his son like him would go batty if no one told him of the news. Besides Alexander didn't know if Philip was alone, if Philip was Alexander wanted to be sure someone would check in. He had prayed that his mother or maybe even John Lauren's would keep an eye on his son.
"Listen son, it's that time again. Don't worry son I will see you tomorrow. Same time and place."
He then knelt down and kissed his middle and index finger and pressed it against the stone.
"My baby boy. Pride is not the word I'm looking for. How did I get such a perfect son? I love you so much."
