Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon,it's franchises, or any of it's aspects. In fact, all rights of ownership belong exclusively to Nintendo, Gamefreak, and Satoshi Tajiri & the Pokemon Company.
I trudged most awkwardly into my cubicle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone around me (You would too if you had to deal with some of the eyesores in this joint). Unluckily for me, a certain Raichu was already waiting for me in the swivel chair placed in front of the desk.
"Hiya, Murphy." Rod said casually as he put his feet up on the desk (One of my biggest pet peeves) and smiled knowingly at me.
"Hey." I said, using every fiber of my willpower to prevent myself from slapping that electric-type upside that stupid little head of his.
"How's the dating thing going?" he asked (of all the times and places) smugly; that little bastard knows it's been a week since I made the account, and already he's torturing me with it, "Have you gone on any dates yet?"
"No." I replied with a tinge of hatred due to the tenderness of the subject. I mean, I know that this dating site stuff can take a while, but I haven't gotten a single page view yet! Am I ugly, or undateable or something? I mean, at least I'm not one of those guys who dates whilst carrying pubic lice. But... Even they get dates. So just what is it about me that drives Pokemon away? I guess Rodney shall receive the blunt of my frustration, after all, he was asking for it, "Why are you asking?"
"I was thinking." he began, and by this moment, I just knew that he was going to try to get all up in my business, but honestly, why in the freaking hell would I want some nar-nar micromanaging my love live? It just makes NO sense. Besides, doesn't he have his own that he could manage? I KNOW HE'S SINGLE, SO HE HAS NO EXCUSE, "Maybe we should work out a system...? You know, like a back-up plan on a date gone wrong."
"Like~?" I asked, filing some paperwork into a cabinet built into the desk. I guess I'll listen; after all, it's better to be safe than sorry. With all the creep-o's and date-rape bullshit you see on the news nowadays, it really couldn't hurt to have a plan.
"Like: I could keep a lookout on your dates," he started a little excitedly (he must be really into this sort of thing), and I have to admit, talking about it got me pretty excited too despite my lack of dates, "to make sure nothing bad happens to you and help you lest you need assistance."
"You'd really do that for me?" I asked with surprise (mixed in with my normal sarcasm, of course), which was sincere in every way, since this proposal in itself surprised me without end. Just where the hell is the Rodney I used to know? Not that I miss him, but it's still a shock nonetheless to find him evaporated from existence like my sister's ex-husband.
"Of course!" he said as-a-matter-o-factly, "You're my friend, and trust me: you're gonna NEED my help..."
My eyes narrowed, death glare coming into position as I prepared to kick his balls to kingdom come, "And just what is THAT supposed to mean?!"
"Nothing~!" he said almost too innocently, his fishy behavior succeeding in breeding paranoia within my thoughts as he left my cubicle with his paws held behind his back in a cutesy fashion, "Just meet me after work, 'kay?"
"Yeah, yeah... Whatever."
~After work~
If my life were to inconspicuously become less interesting, I'd be left with only three paws. One having been chewed off to delay my death via extreme monotony. So luckily for me, my life stays interesting due to two things: false hopes from my dashed dreams, and the exasperating antics of a certain Raichu. Both of which are PAINFUL, but nonetheless entertaining.
"Ping!" my cell phone emitted harshly, the sound drawing everyone's eyes onto me, and let me tell you: I HATE drawing unnecessary attention.
"Shit." I muttered under my breath, I could just feel their eyes crawling over me like an Octillery's slimy tentacles (a big anti-fetish I have).
"Aren't you going to check that?" my boss, a nudist Samurott said from over my shoulder, his flaccid length rubbing against my back a little to closely for comfort. I would tell that sick bastard to get the fuck away, but he's the one who signs my paycheck, so that idea's out of the question.
"Uhhhh..." I babbled, feeling the awkward gathering in the air as I bolted to the bathroom to escape, hearing behind me a cacophony of bone-shattering laughter. Hopefully nobody followed me in here, but as with all my other hopes, those ones were dashed as I happened to walk in on a certain Raichu who was taking a leak.
"Did you...?"
"Yeah, I heard it..." he said, shaking himself as his stream puttered out, "What was all that about?"
"My phone went off for some reason," I answered; my phone barely ever rings, and most Pokemon don't even know that I have one because of that fact, "And everyone stared at me..."
"And?" he said.
"And what?"
He turned towards me, probably forgetting that his phallus was flopping around in plain sight, "Why'd you come here?
"I dunno!" I replied harshly, flustered and embarrassed by both that situation and this one, "I'm just a shy guy, alright?!"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." He concluded as he FINALLY remembered to stick his dick back into his pants (Question: how do you forget that?).
Not wanting to continue the conversation any further, I whipped out my phone and checked the screen, which indicated that I received an e-mail from Net Melody which had the subject "Activity Alert: New Date Request!"
It was from someone with the username ClarinetFox1568 who says that she wants to meet me for coffee at a cafe on 64th street at 6:30 today. Even reading it, I still couldn't believe it. I got a date! I felt big and confident. Like one of those giant monsters you see in the movies, except without the lack of genitalia.
"What's it say?" Rodney poked in, peering over my shoulders regardless if I wanted him to know or not, but more importantly his hands was on my shoulders and he was just pissing. Ewww... "Oh~! It looks like you've got a hot date!"
I swear a vein popped in my forehead as shot him a dirty look to shut him up. Well, the best one I could do with bright pink gills, "Yeah? What's it matter to you?"
"I already told you," he said with an unusually straight face, "I'm going to be monitoring your date to make sure that nothing bad happens."
"Yeah, right." I huffed, puffing my chest out as I stared the electric-type down, "The LAST thing I need is for you to be some third-wheel and ruin this with your awkwardness."
"I think you already got that covered..."
"WHAT?" I uttered, gritting my teeth in an effort to prevent myself from maiming him on the spot.
"Look," he began, knowing that I was a second away from invoking my horrible wrath upon him, "I'm not going to be going with you on the dates. I'll be watching you guys from afar. Just think of me as a Plan B in case that by some freak accident, your date doesn't go so well, and you need someone to help you."
Jeez. There's no shaking him, is there? I guess I just have to humour him and just let him tag along, "Fine..."
"Good, now let's get you ready..." He said, looking at his watch, which read 4:00 PM, "We have just enough time, so I need you to pack up as quickly as you can."
"But it's just coffee..." I murmured, thouroughly confused at the notion, "Why would I need to get spiffied up?"
"Just hurry up and get in the car."
"Okay, MOM."
I guess that's how it all started. And who knew that this is how it'd turn out? I mean, if you'd have told me about my life now back then, I'd probably get offended and kick you in the huevos. But nonetheless, I still don't know how it took me so long to find my soulmate. But I think I have a SLIGHT idea of who made it all possible...
