"No, no, no, no, no! POND!" The Doctor called, straightening up and bonking his head on a bit of pipe sticking out of the bottom bit of the TARDIS. "What?" Amy asked, walking quickly down to the Doctor.
"Fetch me my fez." The Doctor pronounced grandly, and Amy frowned. "You don't have one. River blew it up, way back. Thank god for that." She added, and the Doctor glared at her. "Then find me one! In the hatstore! How am I supposed to take repairing the TARDIS seriously with no fez on my head?" Asked the Doctor, bemused. Amy furrowed her brow. "There's a hatstore on the TARDIS?" She questioned.
"Last time I checked. Wait! Never mind! It got eaten."
"By what?" Amy asked, confused. "By a hat eating dinosaur. Ooh, she was naughty. I gave her time out. I specifically told her not to eat the hat store! Told her to eat Rory instead!"
"OI!" Amy interrupted fiercely. "I-"
"What? She had a fondness for humans with long nose-" his sentence morphed into a severe coughing for as Amy shot him a look that would melt ice. He snickered a couple times (they magically turned into coughs too) and then turned back to his work. "What was I saying? Oh yes: Amy, fetch me a packet of Jammie dodgers, now!" He said airily.
"What? But you said-"
"Let's not forget, Pond, the reason I'm repairing this TARDIS is because of your husband!" The Doctor waved his wrench around, successfully nearly hitting Amy in the face with it.
Amy ducked away from the tool. "How was it Rory's fault?" She challenged and the Doctor sat upright, bumping his head yet again.
"Well, it's a long story. Well, long compared to some short stories. Well, technically very short compared to some incredibly long stories. Well-"
"Doctor! Just get on with it!"
"Yes, right. We were floating peacefully in space when your husband came to ask me a question."
The Doctor slammed down hard on a pedal, and then pressed a few buttons. He was planning on taking the Ponds to a fish and chips shop.
He thought this incredibly boring- but having promised them a break, he felt inclined to make good on the promise. Besides, no one had said it had to be an ordinary, Earth fish and chips shop, did they? So he'd take them to one on the beautiful planet of Aolsön, and they could go sightseeing after.
Of course, they'd have to be careful- the Doctor had gotten himself exiled from the planet not long ago (He was still miffed about the whole thing.) All he'd done was cooked for the Queen- well, being perfectly honest; he wasn't the greatest cook- and accidentally setting her palace on fire. He was convinced the whole thing was the stoves fault, not his, but the irate Queen simply hadn't listened. She had attempted to execute him, but when he had escaped she had banished him in absentia.
He'd figured this out the hard way when he'd returned to profusely apologize and offer her fish custard. At the time, Rory and Amy had still been on their fourth honeymoon (the only one that didn't go wrong). When they'd returned, Amy had laughed at him; as was expected. She was Scottish, next time she could do the cooking and fry something!
The Doctor actually concentrated on the dates, oddly. He didn't want to end up beheaded because he turned up a day after he was exiled. Triumphantly, he flicked a large red lever and stepped back.
"This time I will get it right!" He grinned proudly.
"No offense or anything, but last time you said that, we ended up in an exotic jungle being chased by rabid monkeys." Rory said offhandedly, having been standing there watching for a while.
The Doctor waved a dismissive hand. "That was different."
"Different how?" Rory queried. The Doctor thought for a minute, and then frowned. "Oh, shut up!"
Rory's lips quirked slightly. "I actually want a normal meal with my wife today. So, please no problems or worlds that need saving or fish vampires, please."
"That's boring!" The Doctor stuck his bottom lip out, sulking like a five year old. Rory gave him a warning glance. "I mean it."
"Fine, have it your way, your BORING way." The Doctor grumbled and Rory smiled, triumphant.
The Doctor climbed down the steps that led to the bottom part of the TARDIS. Rory followed skeptically. "Are you working on the TARDIS?"
"No, Rory, yes, Rory, of course, Rory!" The Doctor rambled, and Rory, already bored senseless, began to head away, possibly to find Amy. The Doctor called him back. "Hold this, will you? Don't drop it. No matter what. We don't want something to happen like last time." He gave him a dark look.
"We agreed that was partially Amy's skirt's fault." Rory protested and the Doctor gave him another look.
"Okay, okay, not dropping." He muttered, putting his hands in the air as if surrendering.
The Doctor reluctantly turned his back on Rory to pull a wire. The TARDIS lurched sideways and the Doctor nearly fell. He grabbed Rory to steady himself, and Rory lost his balance.
He let go of the tool the Doctor had given him, and it fell into the TARDIS's motery.
"... So that's why it's all Rory's fault." The Doctor finished.
"Doctor- it sounds to me like it's your fault. You did knock him over." Amy replied, smirking.
"My fau- what? It's not my fault. Not at all. Not in the slightest. It's the Roman's fault. Completely. I told him not to drop it, no matter what!" The Doctor insisted, sitting up again to glare at Amy.
She looked at him, amused. "Let's compromise, then. Half your fault, half Rory's fault." She spoke in a patronizing tone of voice, and the Doctor shook his head defiantly. "No compromising. All his fault."
"Okay, last deal. Mostly Rory's fault, partially your fault. Take it or leave it." She offered generously.
A thoughtful look crossed the Doctor's face as he surveyed Amy. "And if I leave it?"
Amy's eyes narrowed. "The TARDIS won't be the only thing that needs fixing." She threatened.
The Doctor held up his hands defensively. "Okay, okay, deal accepted. Mostly Rory's fault, partially mine. But," he stressed the word, "don't think I accepted it because of your threat. I'll have you know I'm a black belt at Kung Fu." he fumbled for a few seconds with his jacket pocket, and then whipped out the physic paper, turning it to face Amy. Amy bit her lip and laughter clouded her face.
"What?" The Doctor asked, disgruntled. He peered at the paper. "Oh. It says I have a black belt in... Gibberish?" he squinted at the paper. Amy snickered and he added, "Which is a registered and official language on some planets."
"Really," Amy spoke sarcastically. "I'd like to see that."
"You will, Pond, once I get the TARDIS, which your husband has ruined, up and running again."
"Partially your fault." Amy reminded him, and he grumbled something unintelligible and turned away from her to continue working on his ship.
"What was that?" Amy asked, putting her hand to her ear as if she'd gone quite deaf. The Doctor frowned. "I said, 90% Rory's fault, 10% mine!"
"Oh, you overgrown two year old." Amy scolded, exasperated.
Rory entered the main room of the TARDIS, walking down the stairs to the bottom of it where Amy and the Doctor were. "Do my ears burn?" He asked stoically, having obviously caught snatches of their conversation. Amy sighed.
"The Doctor reckons it's your fault the TARDIS is broken down."
Rory spluttered for a moment, then found his tongue. "It is not my fault!" He protested.
Amy planted a kiss on his cheek before moving to head up the stairs. "Don't worry, I sorted it out. Not to mention I discovered Gibberish is an official language on some planets, right Doctor?" She laughed and took Rory's hand, beginning to lead him away.
He forgot about the banana peel clutched in his hand and loosened his fingers. The banana peel spun through the air, seemingly in slow motion. "NO!" The Doctor yelped, lunging for it. He might well have caught it, had he not bumped his head AGAIN. He clutched his head and Amy and Rory could only watch as the peel dropped into the TARDIS engine. They waited with bated breath.
The TARDIS emitted a sort of groan, as if it was sick, and all the lights flickered off. "No! No!" The Doctor threw his wrench down dramatically, and it hit his foot. "Ow! OW!"
When he was done nursing his injuries, he glared at the Ponds. "That was most definitely Rory's fault. No arguments, Pond."
Amy inclined her head slightly and shrugged at Rory guiltily. "Agreed. 100% Rory."
I don't own Doctor who, though I plan to become head-writer some day! This chapter was set somewhere in between A Christmas Carol and The Impossible Astronaut. Hope you enjoyed!
