Ch 2
Stevie slowed her ute as she approached the intersection. She paused, trying to decide which way to turn. She had been driving for hours, with no real direction. She had not seen another car for miles. The choice of left or right seemed inpossible, and so she sat for a moment, closing her eyes. The cruel interplay of multiple rejections bombarded her relentlessly. Every where she looked she came face to face with a door that someone had slammed shut against her. Every refuge of her mind that previously brought any comfort and peace was now a place of lonely darkness. She could no longer even find solace in the thought that she was independant and strong. Suddenly it seemed that had all been a facade.
Stevie could not remember a time she had felt so alone. She was certian, logically, that she had been alone before. That she had no hope before. No place to go and no one to run to. She had survived. She had survived before she had come to Drovers Run, and therefore she would survive when she left. But that logic didn't seem to hold true. She searched her memory but could not recall ever feeling quite like this. Something had changed since she had come to live at Drovers Run. Something changed when she started to think of the place as home, of the people as family. Something had broken her independant unbreakable spirit. After being rejected by her own family, she had intentionally kept her distance from other peoples lives. She had not been seeking that family that she had found on Drovers Run. And all in all it was quite an unlikely family for her to fall into. She had never fit at Drovers. She had known that all along. It should not come as such a shock to her that things turned out the way they did.
Her anger burned against Tess. Tess had never wanted her around. And finally now Tess had managed to get rid of her for good, and all while making it look like the entire thing was Stevie's fault. This anger at Tess felt so good. It prevented her from exmaining her own dishonesty and distrust and the reasons behind it. And for a moment it stopped that seething burning relentless pain of rejection.
Stevie berated herself for trusting Tess. All along it had been a rocky relationship. Tess had never been thrilled by the prospect of Stevie being around Drovers. Stevie had told her that she didn't care much what other people thought. But that was only true for some people. Despite the amount of times Tess had called Stevie "trouble" and the amounts of disaproval she had heaped on Stevie for almost every move she made, Stevie had fianlly began to believe they had forged a rocky friendship, and a respect.
Stevie had confided in Tess about Rose. Of all people, she had opened up to Tess McLeod. She had not told many people about Rose, not even Claire, not even Alex. And yet the whole story came spilling out to Tess. And why? Had she been secretly craving this sister figure that she had lost in Michelle, trying to replace her with a more approving person? Stevie had sworn, at the age of 15, that she would never allow herelf to need or seek any one's approval. And yet she had. And Tess had been supportive and non judgemental about Rose. But that was before Alex entered the picture.
Tess had never hidden her disapproval of the growing romance between Stevie and Alex. Stevie had tried to brush it off, and it was easy to forget everything in Alex's arms. To have Tess blurt out the truth would have been one thing. But to know it had been deliberate, that was another matter entirely. To go to Alex, to tell him about Rose knowing Stevie had not done so could only be seen as a deliberate attack that would fracture not only the relationshiop between Stevie and Alex, but also that betwen Stevie and Tess.
Tess had a front row seat to everything that had happened. She had seen the relationship between Stevie and Alex develop, seen how happy it had made them both. Seen that light back in Alex eyes for the first time since he had lost Claire. Seen Stevie's change into almost a completly differnet person, more mature and settled, and had seen Stevie walk the hallways at night, unable to sleep, trying desperatly to find the words to tell Alex abut Rose. Endlessly searching for the right words and the right time, a perfect scenario that never eventuated. Tess had witnessed it all. And to go to Alex behind Stevie's back and break her confidence, was something that Stevie could not get past. There was only one motivation Stevie could come up with. Tess did not approve, did not think Stevie was good enough for Alex Ryan. And now Alex thought so to. Stevie had proved them both right.
Stevie despised herself for even giving Tess a second thought on this day. In the grand scheme of things, Tess mattered very little and could not hold her attention long. It was Alex who was first and foremost in her mind that morning, as every other morning for the last month. And that fact alone caused a pang of guilt. Shouldn't Rose be first? Shouldnt her daughter occupy that place of most important, the one she missed the most. But her daughter was not here. Not like Alex had been here. Every single day, by her side. She had been without Rose for years. It tormented her, but she had managed to keep going, putting one foot infront of the other. But the absence of Alex in her life seemed insurmountable. She tried to push her mind back, to remember the strong independant person she had been. How had she picked herself up last time and kept on going? Had she felt this helpless and alone when she had given Rose up? Had it hurt this deeply?
'I should have told him.' The thought rang through her mind over and over. It was that simple. 'I should have told him about Rose.' Why had she not told him in the beginning? Stevie refused to be ashamed of Rose, to hide her existance as if it was something she regretted. She was not ashamed. Not of Rose. Never. But at times the voices of her parents resounded in her head. And deep down amidst all the fear there was shame. A bucketload. She had been ashamed of her own foolishness, of the fact she threw her education away, her family, her future. She was ashamed not of Rose but of herself, because those she loved most were ashamed of her.
She had always meant to tell Alex about Rose. She didn't go round broadcasting it from the roof tops, but it was not a state secret. It was just the closer they became, the harder it seemed. The longer it went on, the harder it would be to explain why she had not told him sooner. And deep down she was frightened about his reaction. Would he look at her the way her parents and sister had? Would he too be ashamed? Would he be able to accept Rose? What man wants another mans teenage daughter included in the packge? And so time went on, and Stevie said nothing.
It all seemed like a fairytale in the beginning. The fact that Alex Ryan might be interested in her. More than interested. He wasn't after a one night stand. He truly cared about every part of her, loved every part of her. It was hard for her to comprehend and she never felt entirely worthy or his love or attention. He enjoyed every moment they spent together, making excuses to visit Drovers as often as possible. Stevie could not work out what she had done to deserve this. It somehow felt uncomfortable that something was going so well in her life, that someone loved her with no conditions and no strings attached. She saw his eyes light up every time he noticed her. And that was one of the best feelings she had ever known.
She had never analysed it closely. But now she had time to reflect she realised she had been frightened of losing him, and frightened of how much she was frightened by that. As days went on she grew more dependant on seeing him. She smiled only for him. And now that he was gone she wondered what she had ever had to smile about before Alex Ryan loved her. What would she ever smile about again? She didn't spend long torturing herself over the fact that she could have prevented this, nor that her fear of losing him caused her to do the one thing that drove him away. In her own mind it was clear, it would have ended one way or the other. If she had told him, he would not have been able to accept it, if she hadn't told him he felt betrayed. And if neither scenario came up, there would have been some other reason, something else to shatter her fairy tale world. That was how the world worked. It was inevitable, and the only thing to do now was pick up her life, move on, and never, ever, make that mistake again.
She had made so many mistakes, so many bad choices. But Stevie could not regret anything that happened. It would be like regretting Rose was ever born, and she could never wish for that. In the end, she had made a better life. For Rose with a loving family, and for herself learning independance and endurance. Learning how to build walls to keep people like Tess Mcleod and Alex Ryan out. How quickly she had forgotten those lessons the moment she stepped foot on Drovers Run. How had she let herself become so dependant on those people? Where had the strong, independant, carefree woman gone to? Where had this frightened needy pathetic person come from? How did she get so dependant on him, on what he thought, on what he said, on him being near ? How had she coem to believe her world would not turn without him in it?
As with every other day there was the ever present background ache of being seperated from her baby girl. It never went away. And along with thoughs of Rose, thoughts of her family natually co existed. Thoughts of that cruel rejection and disaproval. Of that safe place that had turned into a place she was no longer welcome. A place that welcomed her daughter with open arms and threw her out into the cold. Her parents, and Tess McLeod, and Alex Ryan, those very people who turned their backs on her, were the very people who's approval she would kill for even now. Even though she fought hard trying to believe she didn't want it. She didn't need it, that was true. But she wanted it. Badly. But even the shame of her family's disaproval couldnt touch her when she was with Alex. If he loved her, then they didnt matter.
And then suddenly there it was again. That gut wrenching feeling she felt when she thought of image she had not been able to erase from her consciousness, Alex face. His words in her ears, over and over. His simple philosophy that made too much sense.
Why did you give her up? You dont want her? Why dont you go get her? You dont love her?
And even all those questions were easier to face
than this one.
Why didn't tell me? Are you ashamed of her?
Don't you trust me?
How could she argue with that pure simple childlike logic. She felt guilt and shame smouldering inside her, about Rose, about keeping it from him. And yet there was resentment towards him too. How could he not see in her eyes the pain he was causing? How could he not see her love? Her fear? Her guilt? Could he not understand she had done it because she loved Rose? That she had been frightened to tell him because she loved him? Could he not see how desperatly she needed him to stand beside her? Didn't he feel it too? This aching void when they were apart? Obviously not. It was so simple in his world. If Stevie loved Rose she would not have given her up. If she wanted her she would go get her, If she loved Alex she would have told him. There was no other way about it in his eyes.
How would Rose ever understand it if Alex, a grown adult who claimed her loved her more than life, could not understand it. It hurt more than being rejected by him, to know he believed she did not love Rose.
Stevie could not be sure if it was the fact Rose existed, the fact Stevie left her or the fact she had not told Alex that was the cause of him walking out on her. He himself seemed confused as to the precise focus of his seething rage. But none of these things could be altered, and he seemed unwilling to even try. It wasn't worth the effort to him. Perhaps he had just wanted out. It was never going to work, and she had prepared herself for it. But there was no way to prepare herself for how much it shattered her.
And so once again, on the road, with nothing, with no one. She'd been at this crossroads many times before. She just didn't remember it hurting so badly. Perhaps the months at Drovers Run had somehow dulled the painful remembered one thing, that each day it had hurt a little less. And somehow she had survived. She had endured so much, only to be right back in that place, that scared stupid kid who screwed everything up, and doesnt know how to take another step now that the people she loves are gone from her life.
