Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.
AN: Wow, thank you for reading and for the wonderful reviews. I'm glad you are enjoying it so far. Don't fret, there is a HEA coming….eventually.
Thank you to my wonderful beta, JazMitch - without your help and encouragement this would not have happened.
Chapter 2: Truth
I sat on my sofa for what seemed like hours after Joe left. I sobbed for probably the first hour, then got up, grabbed a tub of ice cream, put on Ghostbusters and went back to the sofa and cried. Joe broke up with me because I cheated on him. That phrase kept going around and around in my head. When I calmed down, I'd picture his face when he asked me if I had kissed Ranger and saw the heartache in his eyes, which set me off crying again.
At around 11:30 I heard my locks tumble. Through my foggy eyes I saw Ranger walk in.
"What's going on Babe? Why are you crying?"
I told Ranger what had happened with Joe and started crying again. I was not an attractive crier by any means and I knew I must look absolutely awful, but I just did not give a shit at this point.
"Do you want to know what I think Babe?"
"Yeah Ranger, I trust you to tell me the truth no matter what."
"Babe, Joe is right."
"What the fuck Ranger?"
"He's right. Why do you guys break up all the time? Because you are too different to make things work. He wants a stay at home wife and mother to his kids, you don't want to be a housewife. Why do you get back together? He wants to make a go of it and you want the steady, easy relationship with regular sex and no stress. You use every excuse to keep him at arm's length, including using me as a road block, to the point where I bet he feels like your emotional punching bag." My hackles rose at his matter-of-fact, frustratingly calm tone.
"Hang on a minute Ranger, you're the one who poaches. You're the one who sent me back to him."
"Stephanie, if you were in love with him, you wouldn't let me poach and you never would have agreed to the deal in the first place. You need to stop and think about what you really want. If you don't want to get married, and he does, and you know that, then why are you stringing him along and letting him believe you'll maybe change your mind? Are you waiting for something to happen between us? I'm sorry Steph, you've always known that I can't and won't be in a relationship with you. I have never led you to believe any differently."
"Then why do you kiss me?" I demanded, feeling like the answer would shred me to pieces, but needing to know nonetheless. "What's with the touching, the poaching? Why do that unless you want me?"
"I want you Steph, I've never denied that, but I don't want a relationship. I can't commit myself to anyone while I still have a contract with the government. But, to be honest, I kept poaching because you let me. I can't deny I am attracted to you, but you have as many commitment issues as I do," Ranger shrugged. "You can't commit to a relationship any more than I can."
"What do you mean?"
"You can't commit to being faithful to a relationship."
Like a spontaneous combustion in my chest, my anger rose dangerously. "What the fuck? How dare you! I would never cheat on someone after what Dickie did with Joyce, that fucking killed me!"
He looked calmly at me and asked me in a quiet, steady voice "What do you call kissing me, while you are supposed to be with Joe?"
I felt myself go pale, then flush and my eyes filled with tears, again. All the fight drained right out of me and I felt sick to my stomach, and worst of all? It was myself I was disgusted with. "You're right Ranger," I mouthed in horror. "I'm no better than him. Joe trusted me and I cheated. Holy fuck, I did the one thing I always said I would never do. I cheated on Joe." I started sobbing quietly.
"Steph, maybe this breakup with Joe is a good thing for you. You should take a good look at what you want to do next, with everything."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, you're what, 31 now? You still live like a college student, you bum meals off me and your parents rather than learning how to cook for yourself and you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions. You sabotaged a relationship with a man who loved you…"
"That's not my fault," I interrupted, "He always wanted me to change, to quit my job and become a Burg wife. And you constantly poached!" I felt childish arguing like this, but how was this entirely my fault?
"You won't compromise, will you?" he countered. "Yes he wanted you to change, he wanted you to be his wife and the mother of his children because he loves you. He wants you to give up your job to keep you safe. I agree with him on that - we both want you to be safe. I don't want you to give up your job, I want you to get training and accept back-up. I don't know anyone who attracts more crazies or destroys more cars, or injures more of my men."
"That's not fair, Ranger! Is it my fault that crazy shit always seems to happen to me?"
"What is it you always say when something goes wrong? It's not my fault? Come on Stephanie, you need to admit that sometimes it is your fault. You refuse to train, refuse to accept back up and put yourself in situations where you get hurt because you refuse to look at the overall situation and to be honest, I don't think you care enough about yourself to actually look after yourself properly. You've been doing BEA work for what, 4 years now? And you still end up getting into trouble more times than not. Hell, your life is like something out of a movie, it's that fucked up. Stephanie, please, use this break with Joe to take some time out and learn how to help yourself and figure out how you want to live your life."
He kissed me on the forehead and walked out, locking the door behind him.
And just like that, the anger was making a fast return.
After Ranger left I sat on the couch and fumed. How fucking dare he! I always thought and wished that he wanted the same thing as me, a relationship someday. We are close friends, the best of friends, well at least we were until tonight, but I always hoped he would realise we were meant to be together. I can be faithful, hell, I never cheated on Dickie and he still screwed that bitch Joyce, asshole. Joe and I were together for years and I never….
My self-righteous inner tantrum came to a screaming halt. I had been cheating on Joe. No, I hadn't slept with Ranger while we were officially together. But I realised that if Joe had kissed another woman while we were together I would consider that cheating. And I would have ended our relationship for that. So, every time I let Ranger kiss me, no, stop Steph, be honest. Every time I kissed Ranger, no matter who initiated it, I was cheating on Joe. Every time I let him grope me, I was cheating on Joe. I could have said to Ranger at any time, I was with Joe and there will be no poaching. Joe and Ranger were right. No matter how much I led Joe to believe everything was fine, and kept going back to him, the reason I couldn't commit was because I was involved with Ranger as well. I realised that deep down, Ranger was safe because he didn't want a relationship, but keeping him in my life meant I could never wholly commit to Joe. Over the next couple of hours, I dissected my relationships with both Joe and Ranger and had to agree with Ranger. I had been using both him and Joe to keep myself from committing to a forever relationship. Because I was scared to commit? Hell, I don't know why but I screwed up the best relationship I ever had. My friendship with Ranger. And I also completely screwed up any chance of a relationship with him by proving I was unfaithful in a relationship. I fucking hated myself right now.
At around 3am, I finally drifted off in an exhausted sleep.
