There was never even a chance to say anything before Aubrey was running away. A horror movie played before Chloe, a greatest fear slapping her in the face. She sputtered out letters that didn't make words, just sounds taken away on the night breeze. Syllables that would never reach Aubrey's ears.
Breathing made her aware that she was still there, Air in… air out. The exchange felt the opposite of the inequality of their feelings. The years long journey that got them to this led to another brick wall. The abrupt rejection made her feel wasted, like an empty well.
Turning was her only option. She moved her heavy feet in a cadence of defeat, heading towards the only place she could think of to find comfort; Beca's dorm. There solace would be easily met. Since last year they had become close, so close that Aubrey had become jealous and accusatory. She refused to believe that nothing was going on between them.
Chloe looked up in time to see that her goal was approaching fast. The door to Beca's dorm was open, another student held it open for her. Last week she decided to just let Aubrey think what she wanted to because it was no use. Logic, which usually had a very snug home in Aubrey's actions, had fled and took with it the ability to see beyond her feelings.
She stopped in front of the elevators and looked over at the stairwell. Usually, this would be her route, even though Beca lived on the fourth floor but the thought of taking each step was daunting. When she stepped into the elevator her back found the wall and its support was necessary.
When she let it go and stopped denying the assumptions thrown at her Aubrey had again pronounced her guilty. How they had gotten from there to kissing was a series of disconnected events, jumbled like brush. She picked her way through it, remembering the fight. Out on the quad they had come together in confrontation. Of course, that was the only way that they could let the repressed, inside-out feelings surface.
Love, that is what she felt for Aubrey, but now it condensed on the inside of her heart and slid in tiny droplets down the sides, making her feel sick. She realized that she was knocking on Beca's door when her hand started hurting. She cleared her throat and stopped when the door flew open.
Beca was there, headphones on her neck, her irritation apparent. "What's up?"
Chloe knew that look. She had interrupted a mixing session. Pushing past Beca, she lay down on the bed face first. The familiar smell of the pillow under her head was comforting. She welcomed it and let herself feel its was attracted to Beca but she was in love with her Aubrey. If only they could switch places. Beca was much easier to figure out and less work.
A hand grazed her shoulder and she felt strands of her hair being lifted and smoothed away. "You okay?"
"No," Chloe answered into the pillow. She didn't care if the word was indecipherable. Beca would get it.
"Okay," Beca said. The soft hair fell through her hands faster and she shifted. Her headphones were set aside and she swallowed hard. Chloe was the only person that could make her feel this. It was a need to care for her. Just the simple need to make Chloe feel better because it hurt to see her like this.
Chloe flipped her head over and saw the look on Beca's face. It was strangely tender and there was something in her eyes that had never made its way to the surface. Her mouth opened but her eyes widened. She was transfixed.
Beca looked away. "What?"
Chloe stumbled over the path back to words. "Nothing." She pursed her lips. "I just had a bad night and I wanted to see you." She couldn't tell her about Aubrey yet. Hanging onto that vulnerability for a little longer and seeing if it would stay was more enticing. Feeling a connection that she had no doubts about was what she needed.
Her fingers twitched, shifting towards Beca. It was a slow trip, sliding across the sheet until her skin met Beca's. All she had to do was raise up. If she wanted to push past that boundary, this was the time because she could feel the atmosphere thicken with every thought that had ever entered her mind about this,
No, she wouldn't, couldn't… but Beca could. She waited the second it took for them to come together feeling like a statue. The second set of lips to meet hers that night were sweet and soft and she lost the feel of Aubrey. The memory of their kiss shifted so that this one could take its place. Maybe that was for the best.
