Chapter 2 – Losing Proposition
I woke up surrounded by people. My neck hurt from the way it had been resting against the couch. I noticed that the party had significantly died down while I had been out. Few people remained awake, most of them watching a rerun of The Simpsons. I couldn't spot my friends among the sleeping, so I went looking for them.
Aria was gone, nowhere to be found. She did that, though. The whole disappearing thing. Spencer and Hanna were cuddled up next to each other on the kitchen floor, giggling drunkenly at a video on one of their phones. They didn't notice me, so I pretended not to notice them.
Walking outside, déjà vu struck me light lightning. My hair stood up, my pulse raced, and I found myself standing on the street corner that I had once made a fool of myself on. It was as if nothing had happened there. No tire marks, no leftover vomit, nothing. I mean, the incident had happened weeks ago, but I still was disappointed that such strange event had left behind no traces. It was almost as if it hadn't actually happened at all.
I felt dizzy so I sat on the curb, pulling my knees in close to me as the cold wind picked up. I don't know why I sat there for so long. Maybe a part of me wished I would be run into again, or maybe I just couldn't make it back into the house because of how blurry everything was. And then the weirdest thing happened. For the first time in a long time, I laughed.
There I was, sitting on the corner that I had previously puked and cried on…laughing. It seemed so hilarious to me, in that moment. I thought about how silly the whole thing had been, and how awkward it had made my rivalry with Paige McCullers. I hadn't spoken to Paige since that day in the locker room. I would have thought she was avoiding me, but really we never said much to each other before the accident anyway so it was difficult to know for sure. She would politely say hi as we crossed paths, if no one was around to hear, but mostly she ignored my existence. I figured a silent Paige was better than an aggressive Paige, so I didn't dwell on the subject for long.
I don't know when, but I found my way back inside the party and sitting next to my friends on the kitchen floor. I didn't laugh at the internet cat videos, but that was okay. I felt good enough to pretend to laugh, which made them feel better and in turn made me feel better.
"You know, Em…" Hanna cleared her throat. "…I think this is the most I've seen you laugh since before everything happened with Ali."
Everything seemed to stop. Spencer's laughter, the cute meowing, the television in the next room, it was like the peaceful atmosphere that we had been enjoying was gone with the simple utterance of a name. Hanna looked at me with innocent curiosity, something I used to love about her because it was something that we used to share.
"Hanna." Spencer sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"What?" Hanna shrugged. "It's been almost a year, are we still not allowed to talk about her? If we wait any longer, she'll turn into one of those Bloody Mary ghost stories and she'll start haunting us."
She already was haunting us.
"Let's just not talk about her." Spencer started a new video. "Wait, have we seen this one before?"
They began discussing cat videos, but I couldn't join in on the fun. Not when memories of Alison poured down on me. I needed to leave. I needed to get away from everything and everyone. I needed silence to deal with Ali.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I lied, heading straight for the front door. Neither of them noticed, just like I knew they wouldn't.
I hate to make them sound like bad friends, because they're not. They're actually amazing friends. I love them like family. But they don't understand. When Alison went missing, they shared my fears and worries. When Ali's body was found a year later, they shared my grief. But now, nearly a year after burying her in the ground, they no longer felt my pain.
I had told them the truth about my feelings for Ali back when I came out to them. They sympathized and tried their best to help me, but the more effort they gave, the less I wanted to be around them. I couldn't handle the stares of pity or the whispers of worry. I went on a drinking binge shortly after Ali's funeral. It nearly ruined my grades, but I think the teachers felt sorry enough for my loss to push me along to senior year. My friends helped me put down the bottle, but they failed at keeping it out of my reach. I learned how to hide how wasted I was, I learned how to fake being happy, and I learned how to feign normalcy. It was the only way to keep sane. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
And now, here I am, practically an entire year after the funeral, walking home in the middle of the night, unable to recall what I had taken at the party, and filled with terrible heartache. I went straight to bed once I got home, falling asleep with my clothes on and my throat dry. My mind wandered as consciousness faded, my last thoughts being of the look on Paige's face in the locker room when she told me that I didn't disgust her.
The following Monday at school, I thought about going to the locker room during lunch. A part of me sought out the quiet, but mostly I just had the urge to talk more with Paige. I don't know why I was becoming so interested in talking with her, but it felt like the right thing to do. It was still the morning, however, when opportunity came knocking at my door.
"Hey." Paige greeted, startling me as I shut my locker. The hallway was nearly empty, just a few people still walking to class. I knew I needed to get to calculus, but I decided that I was already running late as it was, so it wouldn't hurt to stop and smell the chlorine scented roses.
"Hi." I said over the shrill sound of the bell.
Paige shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other, her eyes darting around the empty hallway. "Um, so, did you ever get your phone fixed?"
Flashing the cracked screen at her, I shook my head. "Afraid not. It doesn't even let me make calls anymore."
Something lit up in her eyes as she pulled her backpack around. Digging through it, she removed a small wrapped box. "For you."
I was stunned, to say the least. I unwrapped the gift, already having a pretty good guess as to what I would find, but I was shocked nonetheless. "A new phone? Paige, you shouldn't have. These things are really expensive."
She shrugged. "I felt bad about running into you the other night. It's nothing, really. I got a good deal on it."
I hugged her. It surprised us both, I think, but I did it out of instinct. She didn't hug me back, exactly, but she didn't protest to the contact either.
"Really, thank you." I smiled, oddly enjoying seeing her blush.
"It's nothing." She waved off the comment, pausing as she turned to leave. "I, um…I added my number in there…just in case."
I didn't want her to go. I was having way too much fun seeing her act fidgety and nervous as opposed to her usual cocky arrogance. It was cute. "In case of what?"
She didn't look me in the eyes as she shrugged again. "If you ever need anything, I guess. I have to get to class. See you at swim practice."
Paige scurried away with such haste that I couldn't help but stand there and watch. I had never really noticed before, but she was actually very beautiful. Broad shoulders, strong arms, long legs, kind eyes…I snapped out of my semi-daydream as the tardy bell rang. I was in for an earful from my calculus teacher, but it had been well worth it.
When I told my friends about Paige's gift at lunch, none of them seemed as amazed as I had been.
"Good." Spencer replied, crunching down carrots like a famished horse. "She owes you at least that much."
"That girl creeps me out." Hanna admitted between bites of her pudding cup.
Joining them at the table, Aria laughed. "Who are we gossiping about?"
"Paige McCullers gave Em a new phone because she wrecked the old one." Hanna explained, pulling the pudding cup off of Aria's tray and going to work on it. "There's just something off about her, you know? She runs around like she's this big scary bully, but I bet there's just an insecure little girl screaming away inside."
"Hanna." Spencer barked, stopping to think it through. "Actually, that's probably the smartest thing that you've said all day."
"Thank you." Hanna beamed at the backhanded compliment.
Spencer looked at me. "Maybe this is a peace-offering. I mean, that whole pool rivalry thing can't last forever."
I nodded, not minding that they switched topics. I would be left alone to think to myself for a few moments before one of them realized I wasn't contributing to the immensely important conversation on our English teacher Mr. Fitz.
On the one hand, I agreed with Spencer. The phone was probably a peace-offering from Paige, but I didn't think that it had anything to do with swimming. She was reaching out to me, in her own way, yes, but maybe what she wanted was a friend.
"Em, you okay?" One of them asked.
I was ready for this question, as I had heard it so many times before.
"Yeah, just stressing over that calculus test." Lying off the top of my head had become second nature at this point.
After swim practice that afternoon, I changed as fast as I could in locker room so that I could have a chance to speak to Paige outside. She was always the first to get in and out, but today I beat her to it. Standing in the cold parking lot, I waved at her when she emerged. I smiled as friendly as I could muster. "Hey, do you want to hang out? Maybe grab some coffee or something?"
I couldn't read the look on her face, but I could tell that it wasn't going to be a good answer. "Oh, um, thank you…but no. I mean, I would…I just…I have homework and chores…and my parents don't really like me going out unless I clear it with them first."
"Oh, they sound strict." I was disappointed, but not any less interested.
"Yeah, I guess." She shrugged. "I don't know. I'm used to it."
I smirked. "Strict, yet they let you out at night to run over innocent pedestrians with your bike?"
Paige smiled mischievously. "They don't really know about that. Sometimes I just need a late night bike ride, you know? So I sneak out."
"Oh, well, maybe sometime we'll run into each other again?" I hadn't meant for it to sound as flirtatious as it had, but Paige didn't seem to mind.
"Maybe." She answered as more of our teammates started piling out of the building. "See you around." Hopping up on her bike, she was gone. I smiled as I watched her peddle away.
Suddenly, very suddenly, I was sitting in a bathroom I didn't recognize with people I didn't know and snorting a line of something I couldn't identify. I don't know what happened. I couldn't remember. One second I was standing outside of Rosewood High, the next I'm in a grungy bathroom that looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. Even worse, it smelled like a dead animal was being kept in the tub. Without a word, I left. None of strangers seemed to care about my abrupt exit. I found myself standing in a dark windowless bedroom. The only source of light came from a naked blue bulb in the corner, next to a couple of figures doing something that was undoubtedly sexual. I felt sick.
Somehow I made my way up a staircase and eventually out of the basement and finally out of the house. Pulling out my phone, I called the only contact listed. No one answered, so I tried again. And again. And again. I gave up, punching in one of the few numbers I knew by heart.
"Hello?" A groggy voice answered.
"Hanna." My voice cracked. I realized how dry my mouth was and how cold I was and how scared I was because not only did I have no idea where I was, but I couldn't remember getting there.
"It's four in the morning." Hanna mumbled.
I looked all around, desperately trying to figure out where I was. Bumping into something familiar, I nearly slapped myself. "Sorry, Hanna. I butt-dialed you. Go back to sleep, see you tomorrow."
I hung up before she could reply, and I climbed into the safety of my car. I nearly pissed myself when my phone started ringing. It was Paige.
"Hello?"
"Are you okay?" Paige's voice was low and quick. "Why did you call me four times?"
"I'm fine." I lied. It was becoming harder to breathe. "I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine. Where are you?"
"I…" Feeling dizzy, I chuckled dryly. "…I have no idea."
I could hear the frustration in her voice. "Look at the map on your phone, it will tell you."
I did as she directed, finding the right app and the blue dot that was me and relaying the street address and closing my eyes because they felt so heavy and leaning back against the seat because it was getting difficult to sit up right. I was awakened by a loud knocking on the window.
"Shit." I whispered to myself as I recognized who had disturbed my nap.
Paige McCullers stared at me, looking equal parts pissed off and worried. I opened the car door, realizing that it had been unlocked the entire time I'd been in there. Grabbing my arm, she pulled me from the car and helped me around to the passenger side. She buckled me in, checked the time on her watch, and ran back around to the driver's side. There were several quiet minutes of driving before I found the courage to say anything.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
She stared straight ahead as she drove. "Home."
"You can't take me home." My voice was hoarse. "My mom thinks I'm at Hanna's. Or Aria's…maybe Spencer's. It doesn't matter. Just take me to one of those."
"Nope." She shook her head. "You're going home."
"Paige." I pushed myself up to a proper seating position. "Paige, you can't take me home. My mother will flip out if she sees me like this."
She glanced at me. "Maybe she should see you like this then."
"No!" I shouted, falling into a coughing fit as the contents of my stomach threatened to rise. I pushed it down, determined not to have a repeat of the last vomit fiasco.
"You need help, Emily." Paige replied.
The tears filled my eyes, my throat burned like I had swallowed hot coals. "Taking me home will do more harm than good."
Glancing worriedly between the road and me, Paige made a spontaneous turn.
"Where are we going?" I asked again.
She sighed. "Somewhere else."
I was about to ask where that was, but it didn't matter. As long as I wasn't going my house, things would be fine. "Thanks you."
"Yeah." She muttered. "No problem."
"Sorry about waking you up so early on a Saturday."
She stared straight ahead. "Today is Tuesday."
"Oh. My bad."
"What did you take?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
I shrugged. "Like…I don't know. I…I can't even remember getting there."
"Whose house was that?"
"I don't know."
Growing frustrated, she sped up the car. "Well, what do you know?"
I tried to think of something snarky or clever, but I was so tired that honesty was the only thing coming to mind. "I know that I'm really glad to see you."
She looked at me funny and then remained silent for the rest of the drive. We ended up at a cabin by the lake, not too far from where Spencer's family cabin was.
"This is my dad's favorite fishing place." Paige explained. "He only uses it during the summer."
"It's quaint." I commented, walking across the threshold. The place was small, one bedroom, one bathroom, but, despite the stale odor and the creaky floorboards, it was nice.
"Here." She handed me a cup of water and gestured to the couch. "Have a seat."
I sat, staring through the window as the moonlight danced across the lake. "Thanks."
"No problem." She sat on the other end of the couch.
"You see." I grinned. "You always sit as far away from me as you can."
"Never noticed."
I sipped on the water. "Why did you bring me here?"
"I didn't know what else to do."
"You seemed pretty determined to take me home."
"You said your mom would flip out? I can take you there if you want—"
"No! No, I was just…nevermind. Paige, if I ask you some serious questions…will you answer them?"
"I don't know." She fidgeted nervously with her fingers. "Maybe."
"What if we take turns?" I suggested, trying not to let it show how blurry my thoughts were. "I ask, then you ask. Back and forth. If you don't want to answer…just pass."
"Okay."
I looked at her directly. "Why are you being so nice to me? Why now?"
She cleared her throat, staring at her hands as she spoke. "I…I realized that you weren't the person I thought you were…and I realized…that I'm not the person I thought I was."
Maybe it was how high I was, or maybe it's because of the sincerity in her trembling voice, but her words had a profound impact on me.
She shifted in her seat, turning more toward me. "Why did you call me? Out of everyone that you could have called, why pick me?"
"You were the only contact in the phone. I tried calling Hanna, but then I found my car and hung up on her. I think…I don't know, it's all so fuzzy. That was forever ago."
Paige's voice was quiet. "It's been thirty minutes since you called me."
"Really? Huh." I tried to sound surprised, or at least like this hadn't happened to me before. "Anyway, my turn. What kind of person did you used to think I was?"
She looked down at her hands, glancing up at me unsure. "Like Alison."
Despite everything, I laughed.
Paige only looked more concerned. "She's the reason why you do it, isn't she?"
"Do what?" I asked, trying to control the fit of giggles that had captured me.
"Live…dangerously. The parties, the drinking…it's all because of her, isn't it?"
"That's a pretty big assumption."
"I'm sorry, I just…it was a dumb question."
"No, that's the point of the game." I took a deep, calming breath. "I had a very complicated relationship with Ali." I paused and shook my head. "Actually, no. It's not complicated at all. It was just entirely one-sided. It took a long time for me to realize that she never felt about me the way that I felt about her."
"Did you love her?" She asked cautiously, as if she were walking on eggshells around the topic. Or rather, around me.
"I did." I answered. Usually I wouldn't talk about Ali, but the room was warm and hazy and I felt like I was floating. Honestly, I felt safe enough under Paige's watchful gaze to divulge. "I loved Ali as more than a friend. She knew that. I kissed her once. Sophomore year, in the library, just a few weeks before she went missing. She got mad and told me off. Turned out she didn't actually feel the same way, she had just been enjoying the attention too much to let me know."
"She led you on…on purpose." Paige wasn't surprised. "Sounds like something Alison would do."
"I didn't know that you knew her." I sighed. "But then again, who didn't she know."
"I didn't know her well." She replied. "Just enough to know how horrible she was."
"She wasn't." We were both caught off guard at the defensive hostility in my tone. I forced myself to relax before I continued. "Ali wasn't horrible. She was a good person. Sure, she did questionable things. And, yes, she could be a huge bitch sometimes…but she had a good heart."
"I'm sorry, Emily, I know you were really close to her, but Alison DiLaurentis was one of the worst people I have ever met." Paige shifted again, leaning closer and looking me directly in the eyes. "Maybe you were just crushing too hard on her to see her for what she truly was."
That did it. I was up and I was moving before my brain could catch up. Anger fueled me into motion as I stared down at Paige's fearful expression. My voice was low and calm. "You didn't know her. You have no right to talk about her like that."
Paige clenched her jaw and stood so that we were even again. "Alison DiLaurentis was a cold-hearted monster who only cared about herself. She may have been nice to you, but she was hateful and cruel to everyone else. Don't stand there and tell me that you never saw her do something that you knew was wrong."
"She had a twisted sense of humor."
"She was a bully!"
"She was a good person; you just had to get to know her!"
The look of pity that crossed Paige's face was familiar. It was the same look I had seen in the expressions of my friends when they had learned the truth of my feelings for Ali.
"Did she brainwash you or something?" Paige whispered the words, taking a step back. Maybe she was afraid I would attack her. "You know, just because someone is your friend or your crush or you love them…it doesn't mean that they're a good person."
I stared at her for a long time before I said anything. "Why do you hate her so much?"
A peculiar look struck her eyes. "You don't know?"
I didn't want to ask, but I knew that I had to. "What did Ali do to you?"
"You mean besides singlehandedly ridicule me so badly that I almost switched schools freshman year?" She fought back tears. "Alison hated me. I never knew why, but she made it her personal mission to make sure that I knew at least that much. She harassed me, called me names, she spread rumors about me. She thought it was fun to torture me. You were in her clique, so I always assumed that you were the same way."
"And so the bullied became the bully?" I muttered, taking my seat again.
"The only way to get people to respect you is to have them fear you." She took her seat. "I learned that from Alison."
"And you're telling me that everything she did was completely unprovoked?"
"Yes."
"That doesn't make any sense." I shook my head. "Ali only hated people who threatened her. Like if someone was better than her at something."
She thought it over for a few moments. "Well, I don't know what that would have been. Like I said, I didn't know her that well. But…if that's the case, why didn't she hate Spencer Hastings? She was always smarter than Alison was."
With my mouth already open in preparation of a lame response, a thought hit me with such force that I was left dumbfounded.
"What?" Paige asked curiously.
"I just realized something that I can't believe I never noticed before."
"Like what?"
"Ali always said to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I remember Spencer mentioning once that she didn't even like Ali when they first met, but Ali was so persistent about them being friends that eventually it just happened. They never really got along; they just sort of tolerated each other all the time. But they were still friends, you know? Spencer always thought that out of all of us, she was Ali's least favorite. They were always bickering and trying to one-up each other, but at the end of the day it was all okay because they were friends. What if Ali forced their friendship so that she wouldn't have to deal with Spencer as an enemy?"
"She collected her." Paige replied slowly. "She collected all of you."
"She didn't collect us." I scoffed.
"Can't you see it?" She questioned. "Spencer Hastings is going to be valedictorian, Aria Montgomery has had the Most Fashionable senior superlative on lock since the first day she walked into Rosewood High School, everyone in town loves Hanna Marin, and you were always the only one who could beat Alison in the pool. She handpicked her circle of friends. She made sure that all of them had something she didn't. You know, I used to wonder why everyone talked about Alison's little group of friends so much…but she made sure that people would talk."
I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, but I couldn't. It made perfect sense. "How do you know so much about me and my friends?"
"Everyone knows about you guys." She answered bluntly. "Like I said, you were the…elites, you know? It was like Alison took the highest ranking girls in all of the major social categories and made her own little superhero clique."
"Social categories?"
She shrugged. "Maybe it's a little too 90s, but that's the only way I can explain it. Look, um…Alison took Spencer from those preppy country club honors kids, right? And she took Aria from the alternative crowd; you know, the hipsters and the punk kids. She took Hanna from the outcasts. And she took you from the jocks."
"Why would you put Hanna in the outcast group?" I wondered aloud, stifling a yawn.
"Because I remember her being one of us." She answered softly.
I looked to her. "You think you're an outcast?"
Ignoring my question, she pressed on. "I remember a time when Hanna Marin was nice to everyone, even me. That was back before the weight loss and before Alison. Even though Hanna didn't fit in anywhere, everyone knew her. She was the nicest kid in our grade. She even stuck up for me one time. I remember how it was all over school that Hanna was starting to hang out with you guys, and Alison had just started picking on me around that time. I thought it was really brave, how Hanna told Alison that she shouldn't be so mean to me. I guess she just knew what it was like to be picked on, you know? But that was the only time she ever spoke up. And now…she looks at me how people used to look at her…I guess she's forgotten how it feels."
"I'll talk to her."
"No, don't worry about it." Paige blushed. "I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this awkward. I'm just sitting over here saying all these bad things about your friends."
"No, Paige, I'll talk her. I'll talk to all of them." I promised. "I'll let them know what Ali did."
She paused, unsure of whether she should say anything more. I played with my hair, feeling exhausted and cranky. I didn't want to talk about Ali anymore. I didn't want to bring up anything else from the past. Ali was in the grave, and it was damn sure time I stopped trying to dig her up.
I stood and went out the backdoor. Paige silently followed, like a protective shadow in the dark. We walked down to the lake and out over the small dock. The sun had just started rising, giving the horizon a pinkish glow. I always hated how for the sun to rise, the stars had to fade.
My clothes were flying off before Paige even realized what I was doing.
"Oh my god!" She exclaimed, turning bright red and covering her eyes when she noticed me pulling down my pants. "What are you doing?"
"Going for a swim." I answered as if it should be obvious. Left in just my bra and underwear, already shivering from the cold, I jumped in. When I surfaced, Paige was staring at me like I had grown a third eye. "You coming?"
She laughed, looking all around the lake, then to my clothes, then to me, then she blushed again. "It's freezing!"
"Yep." I laughed. "But that's half the point."
"What's the other half?" She asked.
"Come find out!" I called over my shoulder as I started making my way out to deeper water. I gave her some privacy, not looking back until I heard the familiar splash.
"This…is…a…horrible…idea." She muttered through chattering teeth once she reached me.
"I didn't think you'd do it." I admitted.
"Guess I'm just full of surprises." She grimaced as a gust of wind blew wet strands of her hair around.
I smirked. "Paige McCullers, Rosewood's resident homophobe, swimming in her underwear with a lesbian? No one will ever believe me."
She laughed. "We'll be too busy getting hypothermia for you to tell anyone."
At first I had enjoyed the harsh cold, but she was right. I splashed her, catching her off guard. "Race you back!"
When I reached the dock first, I climbed up without a worry. Paige, on the other hand, hesitated in the water. I could tell that her eyes were on me, but I didn't know for sure why. I decided it was better not to know, so I gathered my clothes and headed back up to the cabin without looking back.
Thankfully, I had a spare change of clothes in my car. I was bundled up under a blanket on the couch, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a baggy Rosewood High Sharks t-shirt. The clothes I had arrived in were hanging up to dry. Paige's dad happened to have spare clothes at the cabin that she put on. I had to admit, she looked really good in that oversized flannel and those stained cargo shorts.
"Do your parents know where you are?" She asked, passing me a mug of freshly made coffee.
"Nope." I answered. Immediately pulling out my phone, I noticed something strange given the circumstances. "I don't even have any missed calls. That's weird. My mom is usually all up in my business."
"What about your dad?" She questioned.
"He's in Afghanistan." I opened my recent messages. "And apparently I texted my mom sometime last night and told her I was staying over at Hanna's to finish up a project."
"Is she the paranoid type of parent? Like, does she call up your friend's parents and check or drive by their house to see if your car is there?"
"Nope. All our moms know each other, and they don't even think twice about us staying at each other's places anymore because it happens so often."
"Do your parents know that you're…?"
I looked up at her. "That I'm what?"
She turned red. "You know."
I waited.
She caved. "That you like girls?"
I decided not to tease her about her obvious discomfort. The revelation of Ali's bullying was still fresh in my mind. "My mom doesn't know. I told my dad sophomore year when I came out to my friends."
"Why haven't you told your mom?"
"I haven't found that right time yet. I'm not sure how she'll react."
"Do you think she has any idea?"
"Probably. In the beginning, I was really careful about covering everything up. But now I just don't care. It's almost like I'm waiting for her to just find out so that I don't have to actually say it. It'll probably be easier that way."
"You don't think that she'd rather hear it from you?"
I smiled. "Are you planning on being a shrink someday or what?"
"No." She smiled. "Just curious, I guess."
"I don't know." I sipped on the coffee. "Maybe I'll go home and tell her today, who knows."
"Do you get along with your parents?"
"With my dad for sure. My mom is a little more difficult, but I know she means well. What about you?"
Paige shifted uncomfortably. She hadn't been expecting me to ask questions of my own. "I'm not sure. I mean, I love them because they're my parents and they've given me so much…but it's like, if I wasn't related to them…I don't think I'd like them. They're shitty people sometimes. They fight a lot. They try to control every aspect of my life."
"I'm sorry you have to deal with all that."
"No, I mean, there are kids who have it way worse."
"Just because someone has it worse, it doesn't mean you don't have something bad."
She stared at me like I had dropped a philosophical bomb on her.
I laughed. "I saw that on a bumper sticker the other day."
She cracked a smile. "Aren't those supposed to be funny or uplifting?"
"Hey, the truth hurts. If you can't handle it, get off the highway." I took another sip of coffee. "This tastes disgusting, by the way."
"Yeah." She took a sip, grimacing. "Probably why it got left here."
I checked the time on my phone. "I don't feel like going to school."
She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "So don't."
I raised an inquisitive brow. "And do what instead?"
"Let's play hooky." She suggested with a beaming smile. "I've never done that before."
"Never?" I was genuinely appalled. "Not once? Ever?"
She shook her head. "The only way I was allowed to stay home was if a doctor said so."
"Wow. That's crazy. Well, we're definitely not going to school now." I looked out the window at the early morning light. "It's really beautiful here."
"I've never come here without my dad before." She admitted.
"Will they get pissed at you for skipping?" I asked, turning back to her.
She threw her feet up on the coffee table. "Definitely, but it's senior year, you know? I'm entitled to a little fun. All I've ever done is do what they wanted me to do."
"What's something you do for you?"
"I swim." She smiled softly at the thought. "But they even take the fun out of that. If I'm not winning…they don't care. My family doesn't do second place. My dad says that's the family motto."
I thought back to our swimming rivalry. All the years of Paige being relentlessly competitive, the hostility and unfriendliness that she had exuded, it all made sense now. She was trying to protect herself from people like Alison. She became the bully so that she would no longer be the bullied. Hanna was right. There was just a scared little girl screaming away from within, wanting nothing but peace of mind and to make her parents proud.
"That's rough." I said.
"Yeah." She said.
I looked back at the sunrise again and yawned. "I need a nap."
She was about to move so that I could have the couch, but I stopped her by tossing the blanket and my legs over her lap. Staring at me incredulously, she asked if I was being serious. But it was too late. I was already drifting off to sleep.
