A/N: I'm a day early...

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Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, not making money, etc. etc.


The next night Jane and Maura are sitting on Maura's couch indulging on wine and snacks. Decompressing with Maura is one of Jane's favorite things, and she hopes they never stop. Tonight, however, her brain is scattered.

There's something about the quiet way the house settles into the late hours of the evening that has Jane feeling a little reckless. She probably should've stopped after her first glass of wine, but now on glass number three she can feel the gears in her brain getting a little loose.

Thinking about Casey the night before, and waking up to nightmares more often than not for the past few weeks – has messed with her brain balance. Maura has always helped her find her equilibrium and she feels some of it coming back to her, though she still feels off kilter in some vital way.

Their last case was one they've seen many times before – a love triangle gone wrong – and Jane knows it won't be the last time she sees a case like that before she retires, but it's one of those things she's never quite fully understood.

Finding and understanding the motive for murder is a difficult task in itself, but these types of cases always hold an extra air of mystery to her.

Nothing is worth killing over – but money, drugs, gang life, murder to cover up something, and even anger, those motives make the most sense. But killing for love? Taking a life because if I can't have them no one can? That's never made any sense to Jane. Just like cheating has never made any sense to her. If you're that unhappy with the situation, just leave? But clearly, she's missing some piece of the puzzle here, with how rampant the problem seems to be.

"Jane?"

She looks up at the sound of Maura's voice.

Maura is sitting on the opposite side of her on the couch. She is in soft, flowy yoga pants and a purple V-neck t-shirt. Her hair is down and she looks so utterly relaxed that Jane feels her own body start to unwind just from sitting next to her.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Jane shakes her head with a sigh. She takes a sip of her wine. It lingers on her lips, she tastes it as she pokes her tongue out the corner of her mouth while carefully constructing a tower of crackers and cheese. "You know, out of all of the terrible motives for murder – love is the one I understand the least."

"How so?" Maura glances her way carefully. She pulls her feet up underneath her and re-settles on the couch so she's facing Jane.

"We have had so many cases exactly like this last one."

"Yes, we have."

"And, I just don't get it. I mean, I understand the guy that comes home to find his wife sleeping with another man and in a fit of rage he kills them. I don't understand why the wife is cheating in the first place - if you're that unhappy in your situation - leave."

"I agree." Maura acknowledges, "though it may not always be so black and white."

"Except it is…" Jane supplies grumpily.

Maura laughs, "I agree with you that cheating is bad, I'm just saying for some people there may be more at play."

Jane gives Maura a look. "Is it really that difficult to just talk to your partner though? Like if you're that unhappy?"

Maura raises an eyebrow in response.

"Fine." Jane folds. She turns back to her cracker tower. "Or how about the people that get involved in affairs and then get upset when the person won't leave their previous relationship? And they get so upset that they'll kill over it. I've been doing this a long time, Maura, and that's one thing I don't think I'll ever get." She glances at Maura who is looking at her thoughtfully, "and I mean, is the sex really that great that you'd be willing to kill for it?" She shrugs, taking another drink from her glass, "maybe it's just me, but I'd be fine never having it again. So, I just don't understand these people that literally resort to murder." Her voice trails off as her fingertips pause while dropping the last cracker into place. It's not what she had intended to say, but it's out there now and she can't do anything about that. She takes a large drink of her wine and stuffs her tower of crackers and cheeses into her mouth.

Maura doesn't miss a beat. "Was Casey that unsatisfying for you?"

Jane nearly chokes.

She sits up abruptly, coughing crumbs across her lap and the floor. Maura scoots closer, and pats her back sympathetically. Jane shoots Maura a dirty look, "really?"

Maura's laugh is unexpected, but deep and rich. Warmth spreads through Jane's chest as it washes over her – that laugh is something she hasn't heard much of lately. Despite the blush in her cheeks, she wants to give herself a pat on the back in congratulations for making it happen. That warmth, however, is something Jane doesn't want to think about.

Maura shrugs her shoulders innocently. "You started this conversation." She delicately grabs a cracker and stacks a piece of cheese on top before popping it in her mouth, giving Jane a look that clearly says I'm waiting.

Jane swallows hard. She wishes the couch would grow sentient and suck her underneath the cushions. She sighs. "I mean…it's not like it's entirely unpleasant. It's just…kind of…eh." She shrugs, "nothing worth killing over."

Maura raises her eyebrows and tilts her head sideways, "maybe you're doing it wrong."

Jane takes a big drink of her wine, holding back a laugh.

"Or maybe you should flip sides."

Jane's heart rapid fires in her chest, the grin she had worn evaporates completely. "I don't think that is the problem."

Maura's eyebrows furrow in confusion, "but you think there is a problem?"

Jane drops her hands to her thighs in frustration. "I don't know. Yes…No…Maybe." This isn't where she thought this conversation would go. But it is something she's thought a lot about.

When the night is too loud and she wants nothing more than to have a warm body next to her – it passes through her mind that maybe there is something wrong with her. Maybe there is something inherently broken inside of her.

Because on those nights, the craving she has for another person is different. It's not about sweat and skin. In fact, it very rarely turns into a sweat and skin thing, and when it does the fantasy derails. She's never been able to get very far with her imagination in that regard. Instead, the craving she has is all about peace and comfort. It's about having a soft, safe place to rest. And if she thinks too hard and too long the person in her mind always, somehow transforms into Maura. Because Maura is the embodiment of soft and safe.

Jane doesn't want to think about that.

But flipping sides isn't the issue. It's more like she's never had a side to begin with. Because there's just something not there. That craving, an attraction of some sort – it's a very specific thing that she doesn't have a name for that she knows she's missing. And, more importantly, she doesn't know how to find it.

"Jane?" All of the laughter has gone from Maura's face as she sits attentively by Jane's side.

Jane takes a deep breath. How is she supposed to explain that when she doesn't even understand what she means? "It's not horrible…you know, sex. It's nice." She keeps her eyes focused on the coffee table in front of her. She cannot look at Maura while she has this conversation. "I've just never seen what the fuss was all about. It's not that Casey was…bad. It's just always been that way. With everyone." At this point Jane can feel Maura looking at her in a way that makes her nervous. She guzzles the rest of her wind, hoping somehow that will save her. "I know what he and I had wasn't…real love. But he was so worried about being able to…you know…and all I wanted was to just be with him. I just wanted to hang out, catch up, and get to know each other again. That other stuff wasn't anywhere near my radar until he brought it up. It's never been anywhere near my radar. With anyone."

Maura scoots closer to Jane on the couch. Their shoulders touch as Maura lays a soothing hand on Jane's thigh. "It's okay if you don't care about romantic relationships, Jane, there are plenty of people who have amazing, fulfilling lives that don't have or wish to have a significant other."

"But that's the thing. I want that." Silence envelopes the room for a brief moment. It's the first time that Jane has said those words out loud to anyone. It feels like a flag of surrender, yet something in Jane's chest seems to break free at the admission. She can't stop the words from coming, "that's the thing. I want to come home to someone. I want to call someone and tell them I'm held up at work and I'll be late to dinner. Or to watch the game with. Or," she pushes and pulls at the scars on her palms, her voice quiet, "or to walk in late at night and curl up next to someone and just sleep. Listen to their heartbeat and know that things are okay. I'm just not…" Jane growls, frustrated at her lack of words to explain how she feels, "attracted to anyone. Like that. In the way that matters. The way that counts. That sounds so stupid, doesn't it?" And here, she takes a chance, looking up at Maura for a brief moment.

Hazel eyes are soft and gentle, "no, it doesn't."

There's something in the way Maura says those three words that makes Jane want to believe they're true. Because if she just thought of the person that she'd want to be with for the long haul, the person she would want all of those things with – it would be Maura. But it's complicated and difficult because she knows she doesn't desire Maura in that physical way. She just knows that in those late hours, in those rare moments where she lets her mind go into that vulnerable place – Maura is there with a soft shoulder for her head to rest, and a gentle hand stroking down her arm. The image is vivid, but it never goes beyond that. Where does that leave her? She takes a deep breath and continues.

"It's not like I've never thought about it. Switching sides – I mean. It's just never felt right because I don't have a physical draw to women." Jane shrugs, "but, after everything with Casey I realized that I don't have that towards men either. I just assumed because I knew I wasn't attracted that way to women then I must be toward men – but…I'm not. I don't feel like that for anybody." She shakes her head, "where does that leave me? It's like I've never had a side to begin with."

Jane stops talking then. Her heart feels like it's in shards across the coffee table next to the mostly empty bottle of wine, pieces are spread across the smorgasbord of fancy cheeses and crackers. The silence stretches on for so long that Jane thinks maybe she's crossed a line. That she's pushed their boundaries too far this time. That she really is just broken and defective and wrong and that makes her eyes burn and her feet itch with a need to run. She wants to laugh this off. Make a joke out of it. But her mouth remains shut.

The soft touch to her thigh startles her. Dark brown eyes meet caring hazel. Maura is not looking at her like she's broken. Instead, her eyes are kind and there's a soft smile sitting just at the curve of her lips.

"Have you ever heard of asexuality, Jane?"


A/N: I toyed with the idea of dragging this out for a while, but this felt like the right direction and how the story wanted to be written. Bit of a cliffhanger! New chapter will be up next week! Thank you so much for reading and for all the feedback! It made this writer incredibly happy!