The Mighty Boosh

Disclaimer: I do not own The Mighty Boosh, and can't think of anything witty to jazz this up a bit.

Author's Note: Thanks to Bitey Moose and x Thursday Next x for reviewing! Much appreciated! :D

Naboo and Bollo hadn't seen Vince so sad since the nearest Topshop had had to close down for refurbishments. Howard still was nowhere to be seen.

The shaman and his familiar had been unable to contain their thoughts any longer and had started whispering in the kitchen about what would happen if Howard Moon really wasn't going to return, which, if they faced the facts, was looking more and more likely.

'I can hear you!' Vince appeared in the doorway, eyes a whirlpool of emotion, 'I've got the 'earing of that elephant!'

'Which elephant?' Bollo asked.

Naboo shook his head wearily.

'The one with the big ears,' Vince replied, thrown off guard by the shear force of such an odd question at such a serious moment.

'Jo?' Bollo suggested.

'Who?' Vince looked bemused.

'Jo the Elephant; he have wonky eye and live in zoo...'

'No,' Vince ran a hand through his hair, 'Not wonky eye Joe... m'talking about that one on TV...'

'Larry the Elephant?'

'No, not that dippy excuse for a cartoon; did you see it last week? He didn't stand a chance against that army o' mice; he was like an eyelash in the wind...'

'Dumbo!' Naboo snapped, unable to hold himself back any longer.

'Hey, who you calling a dumbo?' Vince frowned, putting one arm around Bollo's shoulders, 'We're like two halves of dilute knowledge, me and Bollo, put us together and you get pure genius-'

'Not you pair o' ballbags!' Naboo yelled, 'I'm talking about the name o' the bloody elephant. Anyway, why are we standing here like a bunch of tits talking about elephants? We've lost bloody Howard!'

Vince bit his bottom lip and swiftly left the kitchen.

'Bollo know it Dumbo,' Bollo told Naboo, 'Bollo just try to distract Vince,'

'Yeah, well it's confusing enough without getting wonky-eye-Joe and his elephant mates involved, yeah?' Naboo raised an eyebrow.

It was early, and they didn't have to open the shop yet. It was only usually Howard, who got up at the 'crack o' dawn, sir,' as he put it, to open up shop, and Naboo if he wasn't out, ready to kick Howard out of bed if he didn't wake up in time.

Vince sat in the living room, staring at the three phones on the table; one was his, one was Naboo's and one was Bollo's. Howard was bound to ring one of them to at least tell them he was okay, wasn't he?

Sure enough, Bollo's phone began to ring,

Not caring about respecting anyone's privacy, Vince sprang forward and jabbed a button, which happened to put the phone on speakerphone, just as Bollo came into the room with Naboo.

'Ewwwwwwwh, you won't believe what's 'appened!' came the voice of Tony Harrison, and then: 'Saboo, you bloody slaaaaaaaag! Give me that phone right nooooooooow!'

'Hello?' Saboo's voice.

'Bollo here,' Bollo said, cradling the phone in one hairy 'hand' and scratching his head with the other, puzzled.

'Look, I warn you now that Harrison's in a foul mood; you know how he's been trying to sort his kitchen? I believe you helped out yesterday. You know what it's like round there, it's-'

'An absolute outraaaaaaaage is what it is!' Cut in Harrison's voice.

'Oh will you stop waving your many... legs, if they may be called so, in my direction! You're practically foaming at the mouth! And while we're on the subject of this complete madness, can we slow this carpet down; we are way over the limit!' Saboo retorted.

Naboo, Bollo and Vince shared an exasperated look.

'Look, we don't have time for this at the moment, yeah?' Naboo deadpanned into the phone.

'This pink lunatic and his kitchens are driving me mad!' Saboo exclaimed.

'Eeeeeeehw, what d'you mean kitchens? I've only got one you ballbag, and it's driving me mentaaaaaaaal!' Harrison's voice yelled.

Vince sighed; none of this was helping them find Howard. He stood up and grabbed his jacket, 'I'm gonna go out for a bit,' he muttered, retrieving his phone from the table before he went.

Vince ran home in the rain, not because he had found Howard, or even any news on him, but because it was flattening his hairdo. However, he did have an idea about what to do when he got inside.

As he reached the door of the shop, holding a packet of chocolate Hobnobs above his head in a fruitless attempt to keep himself dry, he stilled his hand on the door and wished that when he went in, none of this mess had happened, and Howard would be standing there, waiting with a lecture prepared about his lateness.

His brain cell had been attacking the paperwork once again, whilst Vince had been on his walk, but had gotten bored and started folding his memories up into paper aeroplanes and chucking them about the place.

The memory that nosedived into Vince's mind as he squelched into the shop in his wet, silver high heeled boots was one from last week, before their arguments had started taking a serious turn:

"Er... what time do you call this?" Howard had asked, irked, as Vince had made his way into the shop.

"12:30?" Vince had replied, hanging up his sequined jacket.

"Don't play smart with me sir," Howard had followed the younger man with just his eyes, "You said you were only going out for strawberry bootlaces. How long were they?"

"Well that's the thing, see," Vince had answered, his eyes widening into an all too familiar 'I'm serious' expression, "When I got to the corner shop, they only had these mega long ones; the shopkeeper said the machine must've mutated or something, they were genius, and he said I could cut them meself right, but I got all tangled up and had to eat my way out with a chip fork,"

Howard had waited until he had finished writing excuse number 38 in the 'Vince's Excuses For Getting Out Of Work Volume III' one hundred page note book with one of Stationary Village's sharpest pencils before he spoke, "I suppose you washed it down with the mutated bottle of Lucozade that had to be stored in the mutated fridge from Currys did you? Do you expect me to believe that, Vince? I've had to do almost the entire stocktaking by myself,"

Vince giggled.

'What's funny; am I missing something?' Howard had raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms.

Vince had shaken his head in response, 'Don't go all mardy bum on me 'Oward... why are you looking at me like that... with yer Northern belt 'oles,' he giggled.

'Making a reference to the size of my eyes is not the way to boogie yourself back into my good books,' Howard had informed him, 'with your glitter and your... hair...'

Vince had flashed a grin, 'Was that supposed to be a comeback?'

'Oh no,' Howard had shaken his head, 'That wasn't even the beginning. You'll know when I'm comin' back 'atcha, you're gonna feel it, I'm gonna put the moves on you, KAPOW! I'm gonna come at you like a tempest! My jazzy text is gonna hit you like a typhoon!'

Vince had smothered his laughter and made a face, 'Yeah... I'm not gonna even go there... let's go and do the rest of the stocktaking',' he had reached out and patted Howard's shoulder affectionately.

'Don't touch me Vince,'

'Vince!'

Vince snapped out of his reverie to find himself standing in a puddle in the middle of the shop with the rain hammering at the windows like a psycho and Naboo and Bollo staring at him.

'What are you doing gazing into nowhere like that?' Naboo frowned, 'I thought you'd gone wrong! Wipe your feet, the mud gets in Bollo's feet-fur,'

Bollo gestured to the rain outside, 'What is this rubbish? How we supposed to fly carpet in this?'

Vince ran a hand through his hair and looked forlornly at Howard's jacket hanging up on the coat stand.

'You better ring Harrison back,' Naboo told Bollo, 'Tell him we can't make it,' he turned to Vince who was still looking at Howard's jacket, 'We were gonna wait for you to get back and then take the carpet to have a look around whilst Bollo sorted out the kitchen nonsense,' he sighed, 'But it doesn't look like we'll be able to do that now,'

Vince's bottom lip trembled and he sank his teeth into it, 'okay...' he mumbled in agreement.

'We'll get the playing cards out, alright,' Naboo offered, 'The rain'll let up soon,' he reassured.

As if to object, there was a loud growl of thunder and the rain became heavier.

'Better make it monopoly,' Naboo lisped.

A little later, Vince, sitting lengthways on the sofa with his knees drawn up to his chest, decided to put his earlier idea into action and call Fossil to ask if he had seen Howard.

'Hello?' came Fossil's voice, 'If this is the guy ringing to ask me if I wanna change my network, go away! You make me kick things! Quit stalking me! I don't ring your phone when you're busy ringing my phone do I, huh?? 'Oooh but it's my job'- I don't care if it's your job, tough shit! If you ring my phone again I will visit where you live and I will come down on you like a jack-in-a-box full o' fists!''

'Bobby, it's me,' Vince said, when he could get a word in edgeways, holding the phone away from his ringing ear, 'Listen-'

'Vincey!' Bobby launched into a song, 'Oooh Vincey Vincey baby, oooh baby, baby, baby-'

'Booby, listen, please,' Vince pleaded, with a frustrated sigh, 'It's serious!'

'What, what's serious? You got heavy news to lay on me Vincey? Go on; lay it on me hard, I can take it...'

'Howard's missing and-'

'Who?'

'Howard Moon,' Vince sighed, leaning his head back against the sofa exasperatedly.

'Oh, Moon, that guy, uh-huh, Im listening Vincey,'

'I was wondering if you've seen him or anything.'

'Nope,' Fossil replied, 'If I had I'd have thrown a chair!'

'Okay,' Vince replied dejectedly.

'Vincey, if I see him, I'll give you a call, cos I hate to see you unhappy! It makes me wanna cry salty tears of sorrow!'

'Cheers Bobby...' Vince twisted a piece of jet-black hair around his fingers sadly.

'Alrighty. Oh, and if the network guy calls you up, don't let him win you over! Tell him Bobby Bob Bob Bob's gonna come down on him like a sack o' hate! Tell him I'm gonna come to his house and do some stuff!'

'Alright,'

The rain didn't let up. It rained until it poured, it poured until it was bucketing down, it bucketed down until it disturbed a small family of spiders who were not happy because they'd just had the place renovated, then it chucked it down until it was too late to go anywhere, and then it drizzled, but by then it didn't matter what it did because no one cared anymore, and anyone who did care was fast asleep, none-the-wiser.

Vince insisted on staying up in case Howard came back, despite Naboo's protests, but it was so late that he had fallen asleep, and the only one left to look out for any sign of Howard was the moon.

I'm the moon.

I dunno why people think I've got time to be lookin' at things, cos I ain't. People think that I'm really 'orrible for sayin' that, like the other day, when Mars wanted to show me a trick and I couldn't look because I'm the moon. E said 'e's not gonna talk to me for a fortnight now.

I was tellin' Jupiter that it's not that I don't want to look, it's cos I'm busy, I've got a twenty-four-hour job because I'm the moon.

People say 'Oh yeah, d'you know the moon, 'e's got an easy job,'

But actually...

...

...

...

Oh, yeah, it is quite easy.

I'm the moon.