Content warning here for talk of mental illness, childhood trauma, blood, and gender dysphoria.
Ryou's outfit later on is inspired by artwork by dmbakura - please visit this chapter on my AO3 profile for the link, as FF is terrible for allowing you to do anything that involves links.
Ryou's job required that he wake up at what he liked to call "stupid o'clock" as he stumbled, half-asleep, through his apartment in search of clothes and caffeine, but as soon as he arrived on set, he was wide awake, perked up and ready to do what he did best – and that was makeup. He had been a makeup artist on a popular early morning breakfast show for the last two years, and he loved every minute of it. He himself would usually arrive with his hair still damp from showering and tied up carelessly into a messy bun, and having thrown on the first clean shirt he could find, but his work spoke for itself despite his lazy appearance in the mornings, and his models went on-air looking pristine and perfect, always the way he intended.
A perk of the job was that he was usually finished by 9 in the morning, which gave him plenty of time to go food shopping and then crash on the sofa to play video games for a few hours before curling up for a nap. Then he'd make a quick lunch, clean the apartment, and let the rest of the day pan out as it wished.
Ryou and Bakura had been back in Japan for two months now, and on this particular day, it was panning out that Ryou went to call on Kek. They had become fast friends ever since the day they met, and he came over so often now that Marik had given him a spare key to their apartment. Bakura wasn't trusted with his own key yet, since he had a habit of making a colossal mess when he was there. He didn't go over as often as Ryou did, only ever when Kek was out of the house. His relationship with Marik was strictly on a "friends with benefits" basis, but it seemed to suit them well enough, and Ryou was just happy that his brother was a little cheerier for it these days.
Kek most certainly was not cheery today. As soon as Ryou let himself into the apartment and turned to the door to close it, he heard the sound of glass smashing, followed by thudding footsteps and the slam of a door.
The sudden cacophony made Ryou jump and squeak in surprise, and Marik poked his head round the kitchen door, looking exasperated. "Hi, honey," he said, a half-smile turning his lips, but Ryou knew straight away that it was fake. He removed his coat and hung it up before joining Marik in the kitchen. Glass littered the floor along with a puddle of water, but Marik waved away Ryou's offer of help and began clearing it up himself. "What happened?" Ryou asked carefully, taking note of Marik's sudden wariness.
Marik sighed as he tipped the broken glass out of the dustpan and into a box to transfer to the bin. He looked immaculate, made up beautifully with flawless skin and perfectly outlined eyes, but at that moment he looked tired and fed up. "Don't worry about it," he replied. "It's nothing new."
"What do you mean?"
"Ah, damn…" Marik scratched the back of his head, then turned away to flick the kettle on, knowing Ryou always appreciated a hot mug of tea. "Kek hasn't told you?"
"About what?"
"About his…condition."
Ryou shook his head, hair drifting like snowfall back and forth. "He hasn't mentioned a thing."
"I didn't want to say, since it's up to him whether or not he wants you to know, but you've come over in the middle of it all happening, so I'll give it to you straight…" Marik leaned against the kitchen counter with his arms folded across his chest, seemingly searching for the right words to say. "Kek's got PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder," he said after a few moments. "Sometimes he has a flashback and then he reacts the way he just did, with rage and fear. He's hiding at the moment, and believe me, nothing will make him come out. You just have to leave him. Going to him makes it so much worse."
Ryou was shocked, to say the least. He had figured out from the amount of time he'd spent with Kek that he wasn't always 100% himself, but he had no idea there was so much that could be affecting his new friend. Against his will, he felt tears pricking his eyes, and Marik handed him a mug of tea with a soft hushing sound and a tender brush of fingers to wipe the moisture away from his cheeks. "He'll be fine in a few hours," Marik murmured, in hopes of reassuring Ryou. "You're welcome to stay here with me till he's ready to come out of his room."
Ryou sniffled, taking a gulp of tea. "Dare I ask what started all this?"
Ryou could see the hesitation in Marik's eyes and opened his mouth to protest, to tell him it was okay, he didn't need to say anything if he didn't want to. Marik railroaded straight over him with determination. "Our mother died a few days after giving birth to us. She caught an infection and couldn't be saved. Our father, he…he never recovered from it, and took it out on Kek and I. Kek suffered worse, because he was the one that always cried, so he was hit harder."
Marik clutched at his own mug so hard his knuckles turned white, but his voice was calm and composed. "When we were ten, Father was in a drug-induced haze, and in his madness, he pinned Kek down and carved him raw, completely flaying his back. Isis and Rishid weren't there, they were at school on a day that we weren't, and I tried to rescue Kek, but I just got in the way, and I…got the same treatment. Not as bad, but still bad enough to scar for life." Marik rolled his shoulder with a frown, and Ryou imagined layers of scar tissue marring his copper skin. "Kek couldn't stand to see me hurt, and he snapped. He was always bigger than me, and stronger, and he fought with Father until he managed to take the knife from him, and in the struggle, he cut Father's throat...he bled to death."
All that was racing through Ryou's head was he was ten, he was ten, he was just protecting his brother, it was self-defence…oh goodness, Kek…I'm so sorry…I didn't know…
He couldn't speak, just looked at Marik with wide eyes, urging him to go on. "I think I screamed, but it's all a bit hazy after that. I was in agony, so god knows how Kek must have felt, but it was like he was on adrenaline or something. He cleaned up, then phoned the police and told them, so fucking calmly, that there was a body in our house. When they came, he told them everything from start to finish, and then we were carted off to hospital to have our wounds treated. Kek needed so much surgery and so many skin grafts that he looked like the dust jacket of the Oghma Infinium, but I wasn't as bad; I just needed a lot of stitches."
Ryou reached out and took Marik's hand, needing, needing, that reassurance to be there, to let him know he was listening and was there for him.
"This is where I stop remembering a lot of things. I think I blanked it out to protect myself from breaking down, but Kek, he…he wasn't the same. However you looked at it, he'd still killed someone, so it had to go to trial, but he wasn't deemed capable of being there himself. His mind completely shut down and he went catatonic, so he had to go to a psychiatric hospital for treatment. In the end he wasn't charged, it was justifiable homicide, but Kek spent four years in that hospital, and when he came out, I barely recognised him as my brother. He was someone else entirely…and sometimes I'd see little glimpses of Kek resurfacing, but then it would get taken over again by this other personality his mind had made to protect him from the trauma." Marik ran a manicured hand over his face, sighing. "I'm sorry, I've said too much. I didn't mean to frighten you away from Kek. But you spend a lot of time with him…you deserved to know, in case you were ever in danger."
He had certainly given Ryou a lot to think about, at any rate. But he wasn't frightened. Intrigued, maybe, and a little wary, but not frightened. Smiling, he shook his head. "It's okay," he said quietly. "That happened in the past. That doesn't make what happened any easier, I understand…but I'm not going to run away from him, or you. Have you told Touzo about any of this?"
"Him?" Marik snorted. "Like hell. You know he doesn't give a shit about us getting to know each other."
"Surely he's seen your scars by now?"
"Nope. Always covered."
That made Ryou pause a moment and frown. Marik and Bakura had been seeing each other fairly constantly ever since meeting in Luxor, but Bakura had been rather mute as to what he viewed their relationship as. Marik's brusque statement confirmed his suspicions; they were moving in a direction neither of them were entirely comfortable with accepting. That, however, would be something Bakura made sure to keep Ryou out of, so he said no more, and drained his tea. "Will you let me try with Kek?" he asked. "I'll get out of there if I sense I'm at risk."
"It's not a good idea – "
"Please, Marik. I can't just sit by and do nothing, knowing he's hurting so close to me."
Marik could see that Ryou was determined, and there was little point in arguing with him. "…I'll stay by the door. If I see anything amiss, I'm dragging you out, okay? I won't be responsible for him harming you if he doesn't recognise you."
"Of course."
Marik and Ryou put their mugs in the sink, then made their way to Kek's bedroom. The door was closed, and it was silent and dark inside when Ryou carefully pushed open the door. A quivering lump under the bedclothes told him where Kek was hiding away. "Kek?" Ryou called out gently, but loud enough that he hoped he'd be heard. "Kek, it's Ryou. I'm coming into your room now, okay? I'm not going to do anything...I just want to say hi."
He stepped into the room, nodding to Marik as he did so. Kek didn't move, much less give any indication that he knew Ryou was near. As Marik watched carefully, Ryou knelt beside the bed and dropped his voice a little. "Kek, I'm going to move the blankets now, okay? Please don't be alarmed. I won't hurt you."
"Ryou - " Marik gasped, shaking his head.
"It's okay, Marik." Ryou grasped a corner of the blanket and slowly lifted it away, revealing Kek underneath. He sat with his knees drawn to his chest, head bowed, fingers digging so hard into his forearms that beads of blood trickled down his skin. Ryou suppressed a gasp at the vulnerability in his friend's aura. He had never seen Kek look so lost and afraid, and Marik must have thought Kek would lash out if his hiding place were to be removed from him, but he simply sat and stared at Ryou with wide, watery eyes, his whole body shaking and feverishly hot, the heat radiating off him so violently Ryou could feel it without touching him.
Ryou carefully extended a hand to Kek, hovering it just over his cheek. "I'm going to touch your face, Kek. I'll be gentle, I promise. Nothing is going to hurt you here. You're safe with me."
He touched his fingers over Kek's skin, just a fleeting brush, and when there was no negative reaction, he rested his palm fully on Kek's cheek. To his relief, and Marik's shock, Kek's eyes fluttered closed and he leaned his head ever so slightly into the touch. "There," Ryou whispered, smiling warmly, "see, that feels good, doesn't it? That's my promise to you that I'm here for you, Kek."
Marik could hardly believe his eyes. "How are you doing that?" he exclaimed. His voice was loud in his surprise, and Kek recoiled, uttering a terrified whimper and burying his head in his knees, crushing Ryou's hand in the process. "Fuck, I'm sorry," Marik groaned.
"It's okay," Ryou whispered, wincing at the discomfort in his fingers. "He just needs quiet, and calm, and gentle grounding. I bet you react to his outbursts with anger and frustration, don't you?" Marik nodded, looking guilty. "It's understandable. You've dealt with it for so long, with no results, that you've probably given up on trying."
Ryou's chocolate-hued eyes gazed down at Kek's trembling form, wishing, just wishing, that he could make all his suffering go away. "I might not be able to get through. It's not always as simple as being kind and patient. He might still lash out at me despite what you've just seen him react to. I'm not going to make him better, but maybe I can help ease his pain for a little while."
"Dammit, you're incredible," Marik laughed nervously. "I think...I think you're okay to be alone with him. I'll be in my room if you need me, alright? Just shout and I'll come."
"Thank you."
Marik retreated, closing the door quietly, leaving Ryou with Kek. Ryou's hand was still uncomfortably wedged between Kek's knee and cheek, but he just about managed to move his fingers a little, and at that, Kek raised his head, his eyes darting about warily until they settled on Ryou. "It's only me," Ryou murmured, stroking Kek's cheek. "Can you talk to me, Kek?"
Kek shook his head. Okay, so he became non-verbal during a breakdown. That was fine. Ryou could still work with him. He eased onto the bed and raised his other hand, cupping both Kek's cheeks now and rubbing the pads of his thumbs over the heated skin. "Show me what to do," he whispered. "Can I do anything to help you?"
It took Kek a few moments to register his friend's speech, but once he understood, he released his grip on his arms and grasped Ryou's wrist, directing it upwards to his hair. Ryou gave a little smile; Kek wanted to be petted. The big, muscled brute who looked as though he could knock someone out with a single look was asking for his hair to be touched. An affectionate flutter quickened Ryou's heartbeat as he nodded and slid behind Kek, lifting both his hands to stroke his fingertips gently down Kek's scalp. "Like this?"
Kek nodded slowly, and when Ryou snuck a peek round at his face, he saw Kek's deep purple eyes had closed, and he looked to be relaxing a little. He continued running his hands through the dense spikes of Kek's hair, hanging loose around his head in contrast to his usual style, brushing it back from his shoulders and letting himself be lost in the therapeutic actions.
As Ryou worked, he talked. Anything he could think of that might bring Kek back into the world. He talked about the Dungeons and Dragons campaign he had been writing to play with his friends from school, the funny conversations they'd had over the game table, mishaps at work, the fights he'd gotten into with Bakura as a teenager when he started stealing the elder brother's clothes. Kek gave no indication that he was listening, but it felt good to break the silence and just let his mind free.
Ryou knew he was getting somewhere when a soft, content sigh left Kek's mouth, and he beamed at the realisation that Kek's mind was returning. "Hey, you," Ryou said quietly, still stroking Kek's hair. "Are you back with us?"
"...Yeah. Hi, Ryou." Kek's voice was gravelly and rough with emotion. He reached behind and patted Ryou's wrist as an indication to stop stroking, then turned around stiffly. He looked embarrassed, ashamed, and Ryou had an overwhelming urge to throw his arms round his friend and hold him close. "Thanks for bringing me back," Kek murmured, the smallest hint of a smile making its way onto his face. "I'd like some time alone now, if that's okay. I know you were meant to come over today, but...I'll come by your place later, maybe?"
Ryou nodded, leaning in and planting a kiss on Kek's cheek, who uttered a quiet giggle and touched his cheek, blushing. "I'll leave you be. Takeout and beer tonight?"
"Something stronger."
"I have rum?"
"Perfect. See you tonight, snowflake."
Now it was Ryou who blushed. "See you later, Kek."
Marik was waiting just outside his own bedroom when Ryou emerged, and he could tell by the look on the Egyptian's face that he had been listening in. "Alhamdulillah, you're amazing, honey," Marik gushed, throwing his arms around Ryou in an appreciative embrace. Ryou returned the hug with enthusiasm, smiling broadly. Marik's love for dishing out affection was always well received by Ryou, since Bakura never permitted it on himself. "I've never known him to be so responsive during an outburst before. You've done what I never could."
"Oh, stop it," Ryou blushed. "You're making me sound like a Mary Sue, all perfect and stuff."
"Sorry," Marik laughed. "So, will Kek be staying the night at your place?"
"If he wants to. He'll be okay, I'm sure."
"No doubt, if he's with you. But you'll call me if anything happens, won't you?"
"Of course I will."
Bakura dropped by Ryou's apartment in the early evening, as it was on his way home from work. When he let himself in, he found Ryou curled up on the sofa as he retouched his makeup. "Hi, Tou!" Ryou trilled. "Busy day?"
"No more than usual," Bakura replied, tossing his jacket aside carelessly and flopping down on the sofa beside his brother. "What are you up to tonight? Mai, Otogi and Kajiki are all either out of town or busy, so I've nothing to do."
"Oh, Kek's coming over in a few hours."
Bakura chuckled. "That explains the makeup."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, of course." Bakura stuck his tongue out playfully. "So I guess that means Marik will be around..."
"I guess so. Hey, Tou..." Ryou put his foundation sponge down and turned to face Bakura, a concerned look creeping onto his face. "Have you and Marik had a fight? He seemed a little put out when I went over today."
"No," Bakura replied with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. "He's such a fucking drama queen. What's he whining about now?"
"Nothing," Ryou scowled. "It just felt like something wasn't right, that's all."
"What's there to go wrong? Quit acting like he's my boyfriend!"
"You need to talk to him properly, Touzo. I think he's getting a little weary of just being your booty call."
Bakura stood from the sofa with an annoyed growl and stalked off into the kitchen. Ryou heard the kettle starting to heat up, and the clatter of ceramic against ceramic, and then Bakura was bringing two cups of tea through a few minutes later. "You're too nosey," Bakura snapped, thrusting a cup towards Ryou. "I've told you before, this shit is nothing to do with you. Let me fight my own battles."
Ryou had seen this in Bakura many times over the years. His brother was an attractive man, to be sure, and had had his fair share of admirers ever since he was in his teens, but he'd never wanted a romantic relationship with anyone, choosing to distance himself as soon as the signs that they were growing closer started to show. It wouldn't be long until he started pushing Marik away, too.
"While we're on the subject..." Bakura mused, "what's going on with you and Kek? And don't give me any of that platonic bullshit; you clearly fancy the pants off each other."
Ryou sighed, turning away to continue applying his makeup. "It's too soon."
"You've not told him?"
"Not yet."
"Why the fuck are you still hiding? It's been six years since you came out."
"I..." Ryou grimaced. "I don't know."
"You think you'll scare him away?"
"I guess so. Things are just so lovely the way they are right now, and I don't want to risk spoiling it."
"Sooner or later he's going to find out. Are you ashamed?"
"No, never."
"Then you need to tell him, little bro. If there's any chance that what you two have is going to turn into something more, you've got to be fucking honest with him." Bakura drained his tea and stood, ruffling Ryou's hair. "Just...grow a pair and get it over and done with, alright?"
"Easy for you to say," Ryou laughed weakly. "At least you've got a pair."
"One step at a time, kid. One step at a time." Bakura strolled into the kitchen, clearly in a better mood now the attention had been taken away from him. He tossed his cup in the sink and reappeared to grab his jacket. "I'm heading home. Just think about what I said, okay?"
"Okay, I will," Ryou nodded. "Love you, Tou."
Bakura winked and shot a finger gun in response. "I love you too, squirt. Catch ya later."
As Bakura left, Ryou finished off his makeup and tidied away the various bottles, ampoules and brushes scattered around his feet. He finished his drink, then slipped into his bedroom to change into something a little more presentable.
He couldn't help but pause before his mirror, frowning at his reflection as he stripped down to his boxers. The body he saw was the body he had wanted, but the scars across his chest and hips were always there as a stark reminder of what he had gone through to achieve it.
Ryou had been born biologically female, and his upbringing was happy for the most part. He enjoyed things that were stereotypically "girly" and "boyish," never being fussy about what he played with, and loved wearing dresses and skirts as much as he also loved rolling in the mud and coming home with twigs in his hair and scrapes on his knees. It wasn't until puberty that the dysphoria started. Something just didn't feel right from the inside out. When his breasts had begun to grow, they immediately felt alien, unwanted, and his first period almost induced a panic attack as Ryou refused to accept such a drastic change to his body. As far as Ryou's brain had been concerned, none of it should have been happening, and for the first time, Ryou's life was miserable. He hated himself, he hated what he was becoming, he hated having to hide his struggle from his family and friends.
It was Bakura that was there for him, always. Their mother had died when they were still very small, and their father chose to bury himself in his work, so Bakura was the one constant person in Ryou's life, and the one that pointed Ryou towards articles on the internet about gender dysphoria and transgenderism. When asked why, Bakura just said he'd always known Ryou was unsure of who he was or wanted to be. He drew the line at Ryou stealing his clothes, though.
After that, Ryou had come to the decision that he didn't see himself, or want others to see him, as female. And from then on, he had lived as male. He cut his hair, bound his breasts down, and settled on a new name that he liked – Ryou, of course. The hormone replacement therapy began at sixteen, and his birthday present to himself at eighteen was a trip to Thailand to undergo a bilateral mastectomy. A year later, he flew out again for a radical hysterectomy.
And now, aged twenty-one, he was almost satisfied with his body…almost. He had grown his hair out again, having regretted cutting it as a teenager, and the testosterone injections had given him sharper features, firmer muscles, a smattering of silvery hair along his jaw on the rare times he didn't shave. He still had a feminine look about him, but he always knew that would be unavoidable; hell, even Bakura had a similar look sometimes if he ever dropped his usual scowl.
In the eyes of Japanese law, Ryou was now officially male, having been able to apply to have his sex changed on all official documents. He thought it a little extreme that a prerequisite for application was that he be sterilised, and he felt sorry for the trans men and women for whom that wasn't an option, or simply felt uncomfortable with removing their reproductive parts, or couldn't afford the surgery. Ryou counted himself fortunate that his mother had left both her children a sizeable inheritance, and that Thailand was more affordable than he had imagined. Japan's medical professionals knew next to nothing about reassignment surgery, and to be honest, he was grateful for the holiday abroad as well.
Ryou realised he'd been staring at himself in the mirror for several minutes now. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts, and threw on a baggy, black-and-white jumper, laddered black tights, and skimpy shorts. The cuffed, deep blue denim barely covered his behind, but he loved them. "Old habits die hard," he muttered to himself as he fluffed up his hair. "No wonder Kek looks at me like he can't figure out what I am."
Was androgyny okay? After everything he had been through? It almost felt like a betrayal to himself, still enjoying pampering himself and dressing up in "girly" clothes. Boys didn't do that...right? But Marik seemed to do all the same things, and he saw himself as male through and through. "Gaaah," Ryou groaned, smacking his forehead in frustration. "This is hopeless."
But when Kek arrived in the evening, he didn't bat an eyelid at Ryou's appearance, opting instead for a raised eyebrow and a teasing wolf-whistle. "Stop that," Ryou laughed as he ushered Kek over the threshold. "Did you get here okay?"
"Yeah," Kek replied, shrugging off his jacket. "No decent parking spaces around, though. I've left the car on the next street. It'll be okay there, won't it?"
"Absolutely. Tou parks there all the time and there's never been any trouble." Ryou took Kek's jacket and hung it up, smiling at his friend. "You look better. How do you feel?"
Kek ran a hand through his hair. "I'm alright," he shrugged. "Still pissed off that you saw me like that."
"Oh, hush, don't be silly. Now get your ass into the kitchen and pick some food to order, there are a few menus on the table."
Kek's eyes lit up at the prospect of food, and sidestepped Ryou to head towards the kitchen. He decided on pizza, so Ryou got the same, and they curled up on the sofa together to play Minecraft while they waited for the delivery. "Tonight's your cheat night, huh?" Ryou grinned.
"You got it," Kek chuckled, "and thank fuck I'm spending it here; honestly, Malik is a fucking nightmare to order takeout with. I swear he just likes to make life difficult for himself."
"That would explain why he shacks up with my pain-in-the-ass of a brother."
"I daresay that might be even stupider than Malik's fancy-pants vegan-ness."
"Well, at least it's easy enough to be vegetarian here, right?"
"Yeah, I've never had any trouble with it – oh, fuck! Creeper! Creeper!" Kek jumped in shock and began frantically mashing buttons. "Agh! Where's my sword gone?!"
"Run! I've got this!" Ryou laughed.
"Fuck! Fuck! Oh! Hang on!" Kek managed to find his sword, attacked the Creeper, and retreated quickly before it could explode and kill him. "Phew, that was a close one. Now, um…what were we talking about?"
"Vegetables and stuff…you know, the usual stuff two dudes converse about over games." Ryou flashed an amused smile up at his friend. "Excuse my ignorance, Kek, but where does your protein come from?"
"Workout shakes, and I pretty much eat my body weight in chickpeas and quinoa daily," Kek winked. "All the guys down the gym are on chicken and rice three times a day, and then there's me, the Arab whackjob with fucking salads and falafel. I look a dork, but who cares?"
Ryou patted Kek's bulging bicep appreciatively. "And you're ripped as hell, so it's working for you."
"Can't deny that." Kek put his controller down and flexed his arm, laughing as Ryou's cheeks flushed red in response. "I bet I could lift you right up with just this arm if you hung on tightly enough."
"Oh, goodness!" Ryou spluttered, knowing his cheeks were burning scarlet. Kek laughed harder, wrapping his arm round Ryou's shoulders and pulling him in close while picking up his controller and continuing to play. Grateful to be able to hide his flushed face, Ryou nestled into Kek's firm chest and sighed happily.
Platonic bullshit, Bakura called it? No, this was absolutely perfect. And that was how they stayed until their food arrived, only breaking away from each other so Ryou could answer the door and Kek could make up drinks. They settled back onto the sofa and Ryou put one of his many horror movies on, laughing with Kek at the terrible special effects and discussing their favourite parts of the genre itself.
The alcohol steadily wore their inhibitions down, until Ryou finally felt brave enough to broach the subject of what had occurred earlier on in the day. Kek was on his fourth rum and coke by now, and had a stupidly happy grin on his face as he leaned against Ryou and draped his arms around him, nuzzling the side of his neck. "Hey now, no more booze for you," Ryou giggled, swatting at him feebly. "Get up, Kek. I think we need to talk now, don't you?"
"Huh?" Kek raised his head, frowning. "I'm not drunk. You're just comfortable." Nevertheless, he sat up straight and swivelled round on the sofa, so he could cross his legs and face Ryou directly. "What's up?"
"I was wondering…can we discuss what happened today? If you feel up to it, that is."
"Ah." Kek grimaced, rubbing the back of his head. "Yeah, I guess so. Must've been hard for you to take in. How much did Malik tell you?"
"Um…everything."
"Including the part where I killed our dad?"
"Yep."
"I can't believe you didn't turn tail and run at that."
Ryou shook his head firmly. "You were a kid, and you were being abused. I can't even imagine the scars you carry, physically and mentally." He reached out and took Kek's hands in his own, squeezing them gently. They were warm and rough with callouses from the time he spent in the gym, a stark contrast to Ryou's soft, smooth palms. "Yes, you killed someone. There's no sugar-coating that. But you protected your brother, and you made your lives safer. I'm not one to wish death on anybody, but maybe, just maybe…your father deserved what he got. There is never any excuse to lay a finger on a child."
"Ryou…" Kek whispered, purple eyes filling with tears. "Nobody's ever been able to bring me back from a meltdown before…nobody but you. Do you have any idea how safe I feel when I'm with you?" Shuddering, he blinked his tears back. "That's why…that's why I've not asked if we can go any further. God, I want to, and I want you to want to as well…but I can't handle the risk of it all falling apart. I've never had a relationship, only stupid, self-destructive, one-night stands where I didn't care who the fuck they were, or what could have happened to me. I don't know what I'd even have to do, if I asked you to be mine…I don't…I don't…"
"Hush, Kek…it's okay." Ryou pulled Kek into a gentle embrace, stroking his hair. "I understand, and I feel the same way. What we have is great, isn't it? There's no point in messing all that up. I'm glad, and flattered, that I make you feel safe. I want to be here for you, as you're here for me…because it's time I admitted something to you."
He pulled back and fiddled with his hair, suddenly feeling his words catch in his chest and freeze like ice. Kek gazed at him patiently. "Kek, I…" Ryou said quietly, "I'm a trans man. I was born with a female body, but I've lived as a male since I was fifteen years old. I was too scared to tell you, in case you were freaked out, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so you deserved to know…and after everything that's happened today, it would have been unfair of me to keep something this big from you."
Ryou dropped his hair before he could tangle it half to death, grasping a stray thread on his shorts instead and tugging. "I feel the same way as you…we're closer than friends, but not as close as lovers. I'd love for it to be more, but as it stands right now, my body just isn't something I'm comfortable with anybody seeing. It's not…complete yet. Till I can decide what's best, I'm not ready for a relationship. So to know that you feel the same way is comforting, you know? I know I won't be going through this alone…well, if you're still willing to be my friend, that is."
Kek was quiet for a few moments, his brow furrowed in thought. Ryou's heart pounded frantically against his ribs, waiting for his response, but to Ryou's delight, Kek nodded, smiling knowingly. "I figured as much," he said. "I gotta admit, I was confused, and I did think you were a girl when we first met – I am so fucking sorry, by the way – but it became more obvious the more time we spent together that that wasn't the case. It makes no difference to me, Ryou, or to our friendship. Why should it? You're just you. And I bet you've been through a lot to get to where you are now. If I freaked out about it, I would just be undoing all that hard work, and I couldn't live with myself if that were the case."
Ryou could have kissed Kek at that moment, such was his gratitude. He settled instead for flinging himself into Kek's strong, muscled arms and cuddling in close. "You're amazing," he said, his voice an emotional whisper. "You're so amazing. Thank you so much."
Kek kissed the top of Ryou's head and drew him closer, soaking in his body heat. "Maybe one day…one day, we'll be at ease with ourselves, and we can take that next step. But for now…I just want to enjoy these moments as they are."
