Five sexy pirate chicks - er, four sexy pirate chicks and one not-so-sexy pirate chick - stood on the bridge of the Salty Squid, a heavily modified S-class battle cruiser. As their ship sailed through the Milky Way, they discussed their nefarious plans.
"Captain," the most scantily-clad pirate said, "I think we should raid Centauri Base first."
The captain put her hand on her chin, seemingly deep in thought. "Hmmm..." she said.
"Are you paying attention, captain?"
"Uh huh..."
"Right," the nearly-naked pirate continued. "So, Centauri Base has weak defenses along the outer walls..."
The captain's hand went from stroking her chin... to fiddling with her useless glass eyepatch... to absently playing with a lock of her long hair. It was supposed to be black, she thought, but there had always been a bit of a red tinge to it. Lately there was more and more red creeping in. Sun damage? Eew, the sun made her itchy. Was that because the stories about her grandmother's improper relations with a Yato man were actually true? Oh, grandma... How wild you were before settling down on the outskirts of Cygnus Prime and living out a peaceful life as a retired army drill sergeant's wife... And even after that, because daddy was your second child...
"Captain!"
"Yeah, I'm listening."
"As I said, we surprise them by taking out the turret along the north wall, and then-"
She turned to her first mate, whose hair was perfectly smooth and silky. The captain and her elegantly reserved right-hand pirate were the tallest of the lot, and the most snazzily dressed, like real pirates ought to be... because they were real pirates, of course.
"Hey, how do you keep your hair so nice? I mean, with all the fighting we do, and those Zaborgian slime things that we encountered last time, you know, with their slime-spewing and stuff... "
"Regular brushing," the first mate softly replied.
"Really? That's it?"
"Yes. One hundred strokes per side."
"I should try that."
"CAPTAIN!" slut-pirate interrupted.
"Huh?"
"PAY ATTENTION!"
The captain stared blankly when faced with the angry pirate wench. This was no ordinary angry pirate wench, but one with a solid gold hook for a left hand, and a bra that was about to rip in half from the weight of her bazoombas. The captain blinked. "Yeah, sure, we'll attack whenever."
"That's not good enough, captain! You need to start leading us to gold and glory, or I swear upon this hook that I will cut you down and take your place as I should have done from the start of this, arr!" She brandished her hook hand menacingly.
"Aww, silly Hooker, you know you can't beat me in a fair fight." The captain cocked her head to the side and pondered this. "Say, Hooker, are you really okay with that name?"
"What?"
"I mean, I know you say they call you 'Hooker' because of your hook, but I can't help but wonder if it's also because you dress like a whore."
"Sh-shut up! Just give your orders, goddamnit!"
"Ahem. Ladies, your captain has decided." She straightened herself up and struck an impressive pose reminiscent of a certain spiced rum mascot. "From now on, this ship is to have a new dress code. No more than 3/8ths of the skin's surface area may be bared at any time outside of one's personal quarters, which means snazzy pirate coats for all!"
From the back, the not-so-sexy pirate put her head in her hands and wept for humanity. Or, since they weren't exactly human in the Earthling view of things... for humanoid-alien-ity, if there was such a thing.
Hooker seethed, shaking her pointy prosthetic at their incompetent leader, whereupon their incompetent leader said, "That means you, Hooker. Would it kill you to put on some pants? You're not Senator GaGa of BaconDress Planet, you know."
Badum-cha! It was at times like this that the captain wished their crew had a dedicated straight man who would jump in to yell at her for making shitty pop culture references that didn't make any sense. Ahh, the good straight men were all taken... and the rest were gay. Badum-cha!
Hooker snarled upon seeing the silly grin on the captain's face. With one last shake of her hook, she spun around and stomped off toward the door. "Come on, Lola! We're leaving!"
The last pirate hopped off from where she had been sitting on the command console. With a little tittering jailbait giggle, she flounced after Hooker, her frilly skirts doing nothing to dispel the sinking feeling most people got from looking at her - the sinking feeling that little ten-year-old girls should not be eating lollipops in such a suggestive manner.
"Wait up, sis! Lola is coming, tee hee~!" She sashayed away.
Once the door had closed, the captain turned to the two remaining crew members.
"I think they're going to mutiny again."
"They're going to kill us!" Plank said through her sobs. At least, this was what the captain assumed Plank had said. It was all quite muffled and hysterical.
"Well, yeah. But you guys will side with me if something happens, right?" She turned to her first mate, who gave a curt nod, and then to Plank, who refused to look up.
"The captain and I would not blame you if you chose not to side with us. They are formidable foes."
"I know, right? A hooker and a loli-pop... this is dangerous stuff. I won't get mad if you wanna stay out of the thing entirely. It's up to you." The captain shrugged and adjusted her snazzy pirate hat. "You got somethin' you wanna say, Plank?"
Plank's lips quivered. Her nose dripped; she snorted the drippy mucus back in. Still, she remained silent and sullenly glaring at the floor.
"Go on, Plank. Your captain is a kind captain. I'll listen to you even though you're just a no-rank swabbie." She put a comforting hand on Plank's heaving shoulders. Unfortunately this did not have the intended result, and Plank ran out of the room wailing like a banshee.
"Whoa. I didn't even make any jokes about her being flat as a board that time..."
"I believe," the first mate said, "that Plank holds you accountable for completely ruining her life."
"...Oh."
Schink, schink, schink...
Hooker sharpened her hook with bloodthirsty glee, all the while muttering creative invectives against the woman she was forced to obey.
On the other side of the room, Lola McShiveryTimbers was also preparing her weapons. She carefully polished her razor-sharp fans, happy that they were just~ so~ cute~ and matched her nails perfectly. But looking at her sister, the loli-pirate pouted. "Aaah~ Lola thinks you should just let it go. The old lady left Big Red in charge, after all."
"That damn baggy lesbian cougar! I've been on this crew way longer than our 'captain', and yet she takes over the ship! I'll bet she fuckin' slept her way to the top!"
Hooker was apparently not sensitive to irony.
Lola shrugged and fluffed her petticoats. "There's no accounting for taste~. Lola thinks you're more qualified to be captain, but good for us that Cap'n Red is an empty doodie-head, unlike the old lady, who was a real pain because she had smarts."
"Ugh! If only it was just her, I could handle it. But who the hell is that new girl, to suddenly show up and get appointed to first mate? This is... Yarr, this be cause for mutiny!"
"But you tried that last week, remember? You couldn't even get to the captain before you got your ass kicked by the newbie~, and that's why she's the first mate - 'cuz she's tougher than you~."
At the thought of her previous humiliation, Hooker lowered her head and hissed out a few more curses.
"What was that? Lola didn't quite hear you~"
Hooker's head whipped up, her cheeks stained a furious red. "I said, we don't know where she comes from, and she looks like a MAN!"
…
…
…
"Heehee~ That's just silly! Lola can't believe there could be a man as pretty as that."
"I swear I saw an Adam's apple!"
"Don't tell Lola that you're still sore about that Senator GaGa comment... The newbie is not a man." She covered her mouth demurely so as not to show the devious smirk underneath. "But... Maybe we could spread some rumors..."
"Riiiight. Every pirate needs a pirate name..."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sister?"
"Hell yeah! From now on, we call her Tranny!"
Smack! Lola whacked her sister over the head with her iron fan.
"Ow!"
"More subtlety!"
"Then... Okama?"
Smack!
"More subtlety!" Lola demanded. Unfortunately, Hooker was out of ideas, so it was up to her big sister yet again. "Oh, you're so useless! Lola meant to call her a trap, dum-dum-pop, a trap!"
Little did they know that this was true.
