Notes:
I've incorporated a few of the deleted scenes into my personal canon (one or two of which show up in this chapter), but I figure since they're deleted I get free reign to change/add a few things. :)
Trigger warnings for Chapter 2: Referenced self-harm, suicidal ideation
Chapter 2
The call came in the morning. Leia startled awake from where she was slumped over her datapad, all sense of time lost — she must have inadvertently drifted off to sleep. Her comlink continued its incessant beeping from the table beside her cot, and she nearly tumbled over herself in an effort to reach it.
Thank the gods, they'd been found, and found alive.
The next few minutes were a blur as she raced to freshen up her hair and makeup and sprinted to the command center, anxious for the full report. Her gaze passed over everyone in the room, impatient, searching. They weren't there. She turned to General Rieekan, who had stepped up to her in the interim and put a hand on her shoulder. His eyes were reassuring. "They're in the medcenter, Your Highness —" she took in a sharp breath "— but don't worry, they'll be fine. Han survived the night without even a trace of hypothermia. He's already been examined and is cleared to go. It seems Luke ran into a nasty sort of creature out there, but his injuries are no longer life-threatening and he's expected to make a full recovery. He's been put in a bacta tank in room 110."
She wordlessly nodded her thanks and shot out the door, headed for the medical bay. Han was still there, talking with Chewie and looking as effortlessly casual as ever, but she knew him well enough to see the concern written beneath the shields of his composure. Before she was fully aware, she was in his arms, holding him tight, breathing in his warmth; the full, glorious reality of his physical presence. He chuckled down at her. "It's okay, Princess. We're not gonna be taken out by a little cold."
She pulled away, slightly embarrassed, not quite willing to meet his eyes. "I'm glad you made it back alive. How's Luke?"
He turned and nodded towards the far end of the room, where Luke hung suspended in clear slime, unconscious. "He'll be alright once the bacta treatment's over. He's got a whole lot of questions to answer when he gets out, though. He was nearly frozen when I found him, and it looked like he'd been mauled. I've got a feeling we're sharing a planet with something pretty unfriendly."
Looking at the claw marks across Luke's face and body, Leia had to agree. She turned her gaze back to Han. "So how did you manage to last all night out there?"
"I actually found him pretty quickly, but my tauntaun gave out on me so I couldn't bring him back. I was, uh, able to use the tauntaun to warm him up. Got the shelter up soon after and we were cozy and dry until morning."
Leia raised her eyebrows and nodded. "Good work," she said. She looked over at Luke again. The Too-Onebee droid initiated the process of removing him from the tank, and she let out a sigh. "Thank you," she added softly. "I don't think anyone else would have risked going out there to look for him like you did."
"Well, it's a good thing I was still around." She felt his eyes shift away from her. "Not that it's going to keep me around much longer. As soon as he's back on his feet and we have some answers, I'm off."
"Oh, that's right," Leia said icily, "I forgot that you don't actually care." What was it about this man that sent her from zero to thermal detonator in the span of a second? "Excuse me, but I'm going to go get some work done. Have someone comm me when Luke's awake."
"Oh, come on, Your Worshipfulness," Han yelled after her, but she was already out the door, speed-walking down the hall and nursing a very strong desire to punch something again. Why did he have to ruin everything? He's really going to leave this time. She could feel the truth woven into his threats as of late, the air of finality about his words. He's going to leave, and it's your fault. Why did he matter so much to her, anyway? Why couldn't she just let him in, or let him go?
She didn't want to think about this right now, and when she didn't want to think, she found that work usually offered a good means of escape from the mazes in her mind. She made her way back to the command center.
She was waist-deep wading through scout reports when she got the comm that Luke was out of the bacta and awake. It wasn't from Han — he must have coerced the medical droid into contacting her instead, which was just as well. She didn't really care to talk to him right now anyway. Besides, with General Rieekan's new orders that no ships could leave base yet, it looked like she'd have plenty of chances to see him again in the short-term once things had cooled off a bit more between them. She finished glancing over the report she had open — from a member of Gold Squadron who was tracking the Empire's recent worrisome movements near Naboo — sent off a quick memo, then hurried back to the medical bay.
Luke smiled up at her as she entered, his face like sunshine. A wave of affection and gratitude washed over her. Sitting here, alive and well beyond all odds, was not only what was likely the Rebellion's greatest hope, but her dear friend; the solar light to her cold, barren rock. He, at least, would be around. "Luke," she said, as she stood there, frozen in place, taking him in. She knew that the emotion of the night before was playing out on her face, but she didn't mind, not so much with him. "I'm so glad you're back."
Luke's smile grew wider. "It's good to see you too, Leia." He patted the edge of the bed, beckoning her closer, and she obliged. Leaning over, she examined the wounds on his face, gently tracing the biggest mark with a finger.
"The bacta's growing really well. Your scars ought to be gone in a day or so. Does it hurt?"
"It's fine," Luke shrugged off her question, and gazed at her with an intensity that slightly unnerved her. She wondered what horrors he had faced out there in the snow. "Leia…."
"Hmm?" she prodded. If he needed to talk about it, she wanted him to feel free to do so with her.
"When I was out in that storm, I…" he trailed off again.
"I was real worried," she said, tucking a strand of sandy hair behind his ear, willing him to go on.
"YOU were worried?" He chuckled, but then quickly grew serious again. "Look, it got me thinking, you know… I might never get the chance —" he stopped and closed his eyes.
"Tell me," she said gently. He looked back up at her, his clear blue eyes searching her own, a mix of warmth and affection and fear and… something else? She suddenly noticed that they were very close, and he was leaning in closer still, as if he was going to —
"Oh, it's so good to see you fully functional again!" exclaimed Threepio, Artoo whistling his agreement as the two droids entered the room. Luke shook himself, as if released from a spell, and Leia stood up, suddenly anxious to put some distance between them. Had Luke actually been about to kiss her? And had she very nearly let him? She loved him, but not in that way, and yet right now her mind was such a mess of fear and confusion and exhaustion and gratitude that she didn't quite know what she was feeling. She couldn't understand herself lately, and she didn't like that at all. If she was this out of control, best to leave now before she said or did anything she'd regret.
"You relax now," she said, perhaps a bit more icily than she meant to. "I'll be back later." She turned to go.
"Leia!" Luke's voice stopped her, insistent, and she turned around, raising her eyebrows. "I have to go away for awhile," he said quietly, calmly, as if his words weren't a punch to the gut.
"What?" she whispered. "Where?"
"To another system… not far from here." He was being vague, infuriatingly so. And the way he was talking made it sound so suspiciously longterm. A jolt of panic swept through her, and Leia felt her fear rising, along with her temper.
"That's great, that's just great. Why doesn't everybody just take off?"
"What are you talking about?"
"First Han, now you…." she sputtered, and sighed angrily, more at herself than at Luke. In the end, she only had herself to blame for feeling this way. "When am I going to learn not to count on anyone but myself?"
Luke looked troubled. "I didn't know he was leaving."
"You know," Leia continued, voice tight, "I was getting along fine before I met you two moon jockeys." She hadn't been, and she was well aware of it, but at this point being terminated on the Death Star was sounding more and more appealing. Currently, her losses were just growing more and more painful, and she was tired. So very tired.
"Calm down," Luke said placatingly. "Tell me about Han."
"Oh, he's got to pay off that criminal he's in debt to."
"Jabba the Hutt? Leia, he's no joke. I'm from Tatooine, remember? I know Jabba. He's awful." Luke sighed. "Look, I know this is hard for you, Leia, but after what happened on Ord Mantell, I think Han is right to try and fix this before it causes any more damage. I'm sure once Han gets his debts squared away, he'll come back."
"Right," Leia muttered, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Because he's made it so clear in the past that he wants to be here."
"I wouldn't say that's the impression I've gotten, Mistress Leia," Threepio interjected. As usual, his six million forms of communication lacked proper fluency in sarcasm.
"How're you feeling, kid?" boomed the subject of their discussion as he entered the room, Chewie following along close behind. Leia looked away, wishing she'd been able to disappear a bit quicker. Han leaned over the side of Luke's bed, taking his turn examining his wounds. His relief was evident. "You don't look so bad to me — in fact, you look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark!"
"Thanks to you!" Luke grinned.
"That's two you owe me, junior." With that, Han turned around to face Leia, and she braced herself for the coming onslaught. "Well, Your Worship," he said, looking infuriatingly smug, "it looks like you've managed to keep me around for a little while longer."
Leia wished she could wipe the smirk off his face with the sheer force of her glare. "I had nothing to do with it," she replied. At least she didn't think she did. She sometimes got the feeling her parents' friend Carlist was more perceptive of things than he let on, but the bottom line was that she agreed with his decision from a tactical perspective regardless of how the consequences affected her and Han. "General Rieekan thinks it's dangerous for any ship to leave the system until we've activated the energy shield."
Han's smirk only grew wider. "That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight."
Leia flushed with anger. Oh, so it was going to be this way again. Did he have any idea what he was doing to her? She was sick and tired of this game; sick and tired of her emotions being played with like holomonsters on a dejarik board. She took aim and shot back. "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brains."
Chewie chuckled in amusement from over by the wall, and Han sent him a look. "Laugh it up, fuzzball. You didn't see us alone in the south passage." He strutted over to Leia and put his arm around her. "She expressed her true feelings for me," he announced.
Leia's jaw dropped as she looked up at him, blood boiling. Her true feelings? Really? "Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking… NERF-HERDER!" She spat out. She acknowledged that maybe those weren't her best spur-of-the-moment insults, but she could barely think straight. Her anger was the only thing holding back her tears.
Han actually looked kind of injured. "Who's scruffy-looking?" he muttered. He turned to Luke, who looked like he'd rather be anywhere else. "I must have hit pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?" Luke nodded. He looked tired, and disappointment was written all over his face. Leia stared at them both for a second, and felt a new wave of both pity and gratitude for Luke. She found herself walking over to his bedside, and she glared up at Han. "Well, I guess you don't know everything about women, yet," she said, and then she bent down and kissed Luke soundly on the lips. With that, she turned on her heel and left the room.
Leia regretted the kiss immediately. It didn't feel right, but it wasn't until she stopped for breath in a mostly-deserted hallway and her pulse began to return to normal that she allowed herself to think about why. She was struck by a wave of guilt. She had taken advantage of Luke, and of his now obvious feelings for her. She had used him as a pawn in the fight between her and Han. She had also been moved by pity, and nobody deserved to be kissed out of pity, especially Luke. She had been right earlier: She didn't love him like that, and she owed it to him to be honest. Besides, he deserved so much better. In the end she had nothing to give.
She sighed. She was furious with herself; she couldn't believe her own actions were so out-of-control, and she wished whole-heartedly that she had stormed out of the room a little earlier. She'd have to have a talk with Luke soon, and it would probably only serve to hurt him even more. She rubbed her knuckles, still splotchy with bruises, and willed herself to ignore the urge to add some more. It had already been a few minutes since General Rieekan had called for all important personnel to report to the command center; it was time she got herself together and got there.
She arrived just after Han, and the news was not good. The droid-like thing prowling outside the base was currently unidentified, but she had her suspicions as to what it was. This day was about to get a whole lot worse.
