Author's note: Whoo-wow! The response is more receptive than I had thought. I've got finals coming up in a few weeks so don't expect lightning-quick updates, but here's the next chapter for you eager fans as a thank you present.
PME Recap - Amelia is the star, who spouts phantoms. Jagen replaces Seth. Ephraim is...well, himself but also not. You'll see.
Chapter 2 – Disney Movies and Tumblr Raids
"Your highness! G-Grado approaches!"
The princess of the Frelian kingdom, Caeda, was a modest and polite pegasus knight that tried to do her best. Why did Grado have to attack TODAY, of all days?
"Sigh, come in please."
The soldier saluted her and headed in the room, trying to resist the urge to laugh at what Caeda was doing – painting the walls two different colors. "Um….your highness?"
"Pink or purple, soldier? I want to know which color is cuter."
"Well I'd go with pink because it looks HEY didn't you hear me?!"
"Oh I certainly did!" Caeda picked up her lance. "If those Grado beasts come this way, I'll make them do the tiling!"
"S-Shouldn't we tell the king to get in more troops?"
"Father? King Hayden? The peer of King Fado? The one who sired me and my brother? He who goes by Tiffany on Tuesday nights in the Lounge?"
The soldier coughed awkwardly. "He still owes me fif'y gold, milady…"
XXXXXX
Grado, unfortunately, was just outside the fort. This unit was led by a rather eccentric man with a thick mustache.
"Hoho! Shall we claim zis fort, men?" Baguette sneered. If there was one thing he loved, it was smelly cheese and smoking outside with a glass of wine in hand. Oh, and making bad pornography.
"Hey! Frelia has a no stereotype policy!" shouted the gate guard. Then he gurgled up blood when he was stabbed, dead.
Moments later, Amelia and Jagen arrived on the scene, only to find it crawling with Grado guards. Even the soldiers you think are total jokes, but in reality-
"Could you stop listening to the narration and focus on the battle, Lady Amelia?" Jagen asked. "We're outnumbered. We must approach this with a degree of caution and steal-"
"FOR RENAIS!" Amelia made a rather adorable battle cry and charged forward.
"MILADY?!"
"Oh crap!" The Grado men lowered their weapons. "We're not supposed to hit Mee ladi, the famous pop star from Regal-7!"
"Huh? No, I'm Amelia from Renais."
"Oh! Well, we totally have permission to hit you! Aim at her throat!"
Jagen galloped and scooped her up, moving just quick enough to (still) double the soldier throwing his lance at them. But now the fighters were catching up. Luckily….
"Hey, that's Princess Amelia!" Baguette shouted. "Capture her!"
Ahem. Luckily, two figures came at the top of the hill.
XXXXX
"Sir Bosswin, is this really the border?"
"Yes. I know Princess Caeda is inside….these Grado goons mean we'll have to clear them out…."
One was a plucky young soldier named Franz and the other, a wise ranger named Bosswin. The latter opened his bag and loaded his arrow.
"L-Look! That's Princess Amelia and General Jagen!"
"I see…."
"And Grado soldiers chasing them!"
"I see…."
"A-And insurance salesman!"
"OH HELL NAH!" Bosswin roared, firing his signature weapon. It pierced and killed the fighters, but sadly, those sneaky salesman lived to terrorize some babies another day! Amelia and Jagen approached.
"Wow, that was awesome, Franz! I knew you were cool! People said, oh Amelia, soldiers are worse than archers, but you-"
Bosswin cleared his throat loudly.
"Do you need some cough drops, good sir?"
"No! I am Bosswin, warrior of Frelia. I'm here to save the princess. With my horse and green dildos of doom, there's nothing I can't solve!"
"Great!" Jagen turned around. "What do you think of THAT, fools?!"
The Grado soldiers were sitting around a fire for some reason, playing a quick game of go fish. "Huh? Oh yeah, we're done with our union break. So who wants to die first?"
"Hmph! Slacking off? I don't care that you're the enemy, you need some lessons! TIME FOR A MONTAGE!"
Riverbank Camp, 6:00 AM
"Wake up! Everyone get in front of me, now!"
Amelia and the Grado soldiers all moaned in pain as they emerged from their tents. Captain Jagen was shirtless and ready to wre-I mean train. Yeah, train. He passed them all a stick, and began to sing.
Let's get down to business to defeat the Grados
Did I get winners, or did I get…lame-os?
You're the saddest bunch I've ever met
But you can BET before we're through
Mister I'll make a man out of you!
"Wait," chimed in one guy, "isn't she a woman?"
"Excuse me?!" Jagen's music stopped to a halt. "Did you just assume Princess Amelia's gender?"
"…yeah?"
The fighter's shoulder was tapped, and the Grado men turned around to see very scary looking people with shaved heads, dyed heads, and shaved AND dyed heads. Oh, and bug eye glasses.
"They're all yours," Jagen said, ushering his allies away.
"But Jagen, I AM a woman!"
"It's [current year], Princess!"
Poor Baguette, he was in the middle of his red wine (with ice, why not?), when he saw that the pack had been forcibly taken away for gender studies classes.
"Ehh? What is zis?!"
"What is zis? It is zeh forces of Renaix!" Franz flipped through his handy dictionary. "And we're here to….General Jagen, how do you say kick ass and chew some bubble gum in his language?"
"You're about six years too late there, Franz."
"Let us pass for the princess, now," Bosswin said. "I mean, there's four of us and only one of you."
"Oh please! Do you think that I, a gentlemen of ze fine arts, will lose?" He picked up his Killer Lance. "Go ahead, who wants zhis?"
Amelia summoned a phantom to attack.
"HYA!"
And another.
"HYA!"
And another.
"HYA!"
And another.
"HYA!"
And-
"Can you stop making zat sound?" Baguette asked Amelia. "It zis getting very annoying. Your phantoms do, like…no damage."
"You're just scared of them!"
The snooty knight deadpanned, beheading the latest phantom with a crit. "Please. Zis is not Narooto. Zis is just lame."
"Fine then! If you're so smart then….then….I challenge you to a wine drinking contest!"
"Princess no! Don't you see his mustache and smell his terrible BO? That's one organ stabbing away from being a hobo, the BEST kind of drunk!"
"Wee wee!" she shouted in a bad accent, donning a beret. "But I know I can do this!"
1 hour later…
Baguette proved his reputation and chugged away about 50 bottles of wine. Although he couldn't enjoy it because people kept laughing at him with drinking it with ice, so he got angry drunk and passed out.
Amelia chugged 5….times 10 raised to the power of -3. That's 0.005. Um, we'll give her an A for effort. She passed out after a single drop.
"Could it be?!" Caeda ran out of the fort. "Oh! Sir Bosswin, you sav-"
Franz, Jagen, and her knight were sitting on the grass, all forced to write essays for their gender studies homework.
"They….they came back for us," Jagen grumbled.
Eventually the group retreated back to Castle Frelia.
"So, Caeda, how's your brother these days?" Amelia asked. "I don't see him around…."
"Oh, Amelia, brother left when war first broke out. I'm so worried."
"I feel the same way about my own. I hope he's okay…."
"Are you kidding?" Caeda blushed. "Your brother is perfect. Marvelous! He could easily make his way out of any rathole fort he gets sequestered in. I'm just worried MY brother will start picking fights with someone. Did you know some people think it's funny to blame him for everything?"
"Aww, people blame me for everything too!" said the princess, completely missing the point.
They reached Hayden's quarters. A wise man, his hairs were already starting to turn gray due to his competitive son.
"Princess Amelia, it does my heart good to see you safe. I'm sorry it couldn't be on better terms. I….um, have heard some dire news."
"Hey! We finished our homework!"
"N-No, it's your father. He…..did not survive the fall of Renais castle."
"But….." Amelia looked like her heart had been snapped in two. "He had a sick beard…"
"I know, omg was it dreamy. But Grado seems to be more slippery than we realize. The report also claims that your brother has passed on into the enemy's territory."
"ISIS?"
"No, our enemy."
"The spaghetti monster?"
Franz laughed awkwardly. "She's still a little tipsy, Your Highness."
"I see. Well! Frelia is prepared to give you aid to turn the tide. I can't give you much, barely anything at all."
5000 whooping gold was thrown at Amelia's face.
"And two of my best vassals, but like I said, barely anything!"
The first soldier was a pegasus knight named Belle, with blue hair. "Hello, Princess Amelia. I'm here to help, as the king commands."
"Belle huh?" Jagen smirked. "Sing a Brand New World."
"Not that Belle, and that's the wrong movie!"
The second soldier….smashed open the wall as his theme song played, seemingly out of nowhere.
Stop the rock, stop the rock
Stop the rock, stop the rock
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock
You can't stop the rock, stop the rock
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock
You can's stop the rock, can't stop the rock (repeated)
Shake that paranoia, can't stop the rock! (repeated)
Come move me move me
Dancing like Madonna, into the groovy
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock
You can't stop the rock, can't stop the rock
Let's get down and dirty baby
Come get down and dirty babe
Down and dirty baby
Shape the rock like Henry Moore
Aphrodite at the waterhole, come on!
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock
You can't stop the rock, can't stop the rock
Belle rolled her eyes. "Boulder, we don't exactly have the time to listen to this!"
"I do!" Hayden replied, dancing like a pepsi-uped fiend at the club. "And as your king, I command we listen to this song for AT LEAST a half hour!"
"You know me very well, sire!" Boulder smiled. From his brown hair, mustache, and former pious aura, he was everyone's best friend.
Amelia was still unconscious from the gold, though.
FIN
Ending Notes: Really, I don't want to make ALL of the humor inside jokes, but see if you can spot them. :P
Next Time - What Happened to Dorcas?
