Chapter Two

Weep no More

Gustave looks so lost and forlorn. I am not accustomed to giving or receiving comfort so I have no idea how to proceed. I feel it best to take my cue from him. He will know I am here if he needs me without forcing myself on him. We share the bond of blood and genius but little else. He has asked if he may see his Papa. It cuts like a knife to hear him request such a thing knowing it is Raoul he is wanting and not me.

I assured him that Raoul would be at the service today. I couldn't bear to refer to Christine's funeral as anything other than a service. Logically I know Gustave knows what is to take place as do I but it seems wrong to imagine such a lovely woman being enclosed in a box then dirt shoveled over her. Christine was far too young for her life to have ended.

My carriage will be picking us up precisely on the hour of twelve. We are all gathering at the small church belonging to the cemetery. Christine had not been here long enough to have an affiliation with any of the surrounding churches. In truth Raoul and I neither one had the heart to give too much attention to plans for laying our loved one in the ground. Most of the arrangements were offered by the helpful mortician who prepared Christine for this sad day. We agreed on tasteful yet not morbid decorations for the chapel. Who would have thought Raoul and I could agree on anything. I believe Christine's passing has sobered Raoul and doused the fuse on any remaining anger I had harbored over the years.

Going into the study where Gustave is lying on the floor drawing with a pencil for a moment I stand and simply look at him giving us both a few last moments of peace before reality must be faced. Gustave is too young to have so much turmoil in his life. I fear he may take after me more than I would like and take his anger and grief out on those around him. That is what I did for many years.

"Gustave," I say quietly.

"Yes Monsieur Er…Pa…" he stumbles to a halt not knowing how to address me. I can see by the sadness and confusion on his face he is unsure how to address me. Raoul is still his father in his eyes.

Kneeling down, I run hand over his soft hair in a caressing gesture, which he does not reject. The quivering of his lower lip is a telltale sign that his outward calm is for my benefit. I wish I had the right to take him in my arms and hold him like any normal father would do in a situation such as this. For now Raoul will be the one to hold him while I can only give comfort in the words I speak.

"Raoul will always be your Papa Gustave but perhaps someday you might care to call me Papa Erik. For now you may call me Erik." He may not call me Papa but to have him address me formally as Monsieur causes an ache very much like the one Christine's declarations to Raoul on the rooftop of the opera house had done.

More than anything I want him to verbally acknowledge who I am in relation to him. I must be satisfied that we both know I am his rightful father even if I had been denied ten years of his life. Someday when he is ready to hear of it, I will tell him all about my life and how I came to know his mother. For now simple truths will be told. There will be time for more detailed explanations later. Not wanting to keep Raoul and Gustave apart does not mean I will relinquish all rights to him. I must play some role in his future. His musical talents must be channeled so he can share his gift with the world as I was not able to do. Mediocer compositions performed upon the stage of my Coney Island theatre I do not consider anything more than tripe to feed the untutored ears of the masses attending those performances I felt degraded me but allowed me to rise to a position of power, power enough to lure Christine back to me. Gustave has shown a natural talent for the piano but hasn't asked once to play. As for me I find solace in music, perhaps too much in fact. Too much fantasy and not enough reality.

"Erik, will Papa be there? He won't be…he isn't sick again is he?" I know he is referring to Raoul's problem with alcohol. I can't be certain Raoul can continue to remain sober for ever but for now I do feel the love he feels for Gustave will win out over his cravings at least for a while, enough to let Gustave feel secure in the immediate future.

"You saw him yesterday correct?" I ask in a reasonable tone.

"Yes," he answers carefully.

"Was he not like your Papa from your younger days before…" this time it is I who pause as I cannot plainly label his father a drunkard. What boy wants to hear that, especially from someone who is essentially a stranger to him?

"You are Erik and he is my Papa. Papa said I may go back to his hotel with him," he said with real eagerness. Raoul has not lost his son's love just yet. If Raoul can remain sober, all past hurts will be healed between the two. For my part I will do all I can to see that this is achieved. Raoul is an honorable man and will keep his word not to come between Gustave and me. In light of his magnanimous gesture I gave him my word I would do nothing to belittle him in his son's eyes nor steal him away even though briefly the thought had crossed my mind. At the age of 45 running does not have the same appeal it did in my younger days when I had nothing to lose. I am a man of property now, I have a son and people counting on me for employment. Some decision will have to be made as to whether I keep my holdings on the boardwalk or not. The shine has worn off as now there is no purpose to owning the theatre or any of the display tents lining the boardwalk and located throughout Coney Island's main entertainment area.

Of course I longed for freedom to live above ground as well as making an honest living. I achieved both of those objectives but my main goal had been to bring Christine back to me. I don't think I can bear to return as I am sure memories will haunt me of that last fateful night. There will be time in the near future to make those sorts of decisions. I have Gustave to focus on right now. Everything else is secondary.

Realizing Gustave is waiting for me to speak I push back all thoughts except for him and reply, "Yes, Gustave he is still your father even if I…well we'll work on just what our relationship will be later. For now just know you have two people who love you and will do anything to make your life safe and serene."

"I…I do want to know you. Mama…" he pauses and gulps down his tears then continues, "Mama said she knew you when she was a child just a little younger than me. She…she said it was you who gave her a voice. What she said…that…that night…about…about your being my one true father…is…is it true? Is that why Papa let you take me? Am I to live with you now and not see…not see Papa once he returns to France?" he chokes up at the end almost bringing me to tears as well. He looks like such a lost soul right now.

Quickly I reassure him, "Of course I will not take you from the only father you have known, your Papa. If I had known…well let's not delve into that now. What I would like to happen is for the two of us to get to know one another better. You liked seeing all my gadgets and oddities. Given time I can show you more. I can even teach you about music if you would like. Raoul, your Papa, and I have agreed that after today you will go to live with him and come to visit me whenever you like. I want to assure you that whatever anger there was between your father and I is now and forever buried. We have too much to look forward to. Why waste precious time in anger? Will…will that suit you?" I lean forward as if that will bring a positive answer more quickly.

He considers what I have said a moment before he looks up at me to reply, "I think Mama would like that. I think I should like it too as long as Papa says it is alright. I would like to see more of your creations. Music has been something that comes to me whether I have an instrument or not. So…yes I would like that, I would like that very much."

Twice in a short span of time he has said he wanted to spend more time with me. How proud he makes me feel. Only for a short time at our initial meeting did he show fear or maybe it had been a natural distrust of a stranger. Whatever it had been it did not remain for long. Wonders he had never seen peaked his curiosity.

I want to bring him into my arms but perhaps it too soon for such things. Now that I know he wants to continue our acquaintance there will be time to build a proper relationship. For the next few weeks I will store every moment we spend together just in case…Even as I try to stave off doubts I can't help the doubts clouding my special moment with Gustave. Life has not been easy for me and I do not take good fortune for granted. After what has happened I can see I took advantage of both Madame and Meg. I took their loyalty for granted as if it was mine by right. What did I ever do to earn one second of their loyalty? Nothing, I did nothing. Well that will change. However Madame betrayed my trust I feel honor bound to offer her my aid. Meg. Poor misguided Meg. It is hard to know just how to help her. I was the object of her insanity so perhaps I am not the best person to be her guide back. My own battle with my delusions did not come easily nor do I have some secret as to how I should proceed. It is by the grace of God that I came to America and thus allowed myself to reclaim my humanity. As I told Christine once, I was a monster a hideous gargoyle. Back then that is how I saw myself. It is what I had been led to believe by those who kept me captive for so many years while treating me as if I were an animal. How could anyone, let alone a small child, retain any sense of worth or belonging in the world?

Hearing a hiccup from Gustave I reach out my hand to glide it over his head then come to rest on is shoulder as I say, "Everything will be alright. I give you my word on the love I have for your mother that I will never intentionally do anything to harm you. It is time now to leave."

Standing up I reach down my hand in a gesture so reminiscent of my days with my little angel I must tighten the control on my emotions. Gustave does not hesitate to place his hand trustingly into mine. His hand is so small in contrast to mine just as his mother's had been. These waves of nostalgia I hope pass soon for I don't know how long I can keep my inevitable breakdown at bay.

By mutual agreement once we leave the hotel and take our seats in the carriage we travel in silence. I am glad I decided to stay in a motel for a few days. As Raoul had left that night intending to return to Paris I had no choice but to take Gustave with me. Since neither of us would have wanted to be in a place filled with reminders of Christine the only other option open to me had been to take a suite in a hotel.

As we approach the chapel I see Raoul standing alone on the steps. He looks so forlorn with his hunched shoulders coupled with an air of defeat about him. In his place I would have been in a similar position. The only thing keeping me going is Gustave's presence. Who knows what will happen in the hours he is away from me. I do tend to get maudlin if left alone without anything to occupy my mind.

Gustave jumps out the door almost before the coach has stopped. For all he felt abandoned by Raoul and neglected he still loves Raoul. Children and dogs are very loyal. Kick a dog and he'll crawl back whining to be kicked again. Children may be slapped around by a parent yet defend them should anyone disparage their parent.

Giving them time to greet one another without my interference I stand back for a bit. When Raoul raises his head he mouths a silent "thank you". A simple nod of my head is the only acknowledgment I give to him. We may be on better terms but it will still take time before we are comfortable speaking about emotions toward one another.

Believing they have had enough time to reassure one another that all is as well as can be expected I take the stairs so that we are all on the small concrete porch of the chapel. I wish to speak to Raoul in private so I say to Gustave, "Gustave why not go in and take a seat at the back and wait for us. If it…if you find you do not wish to stay inside you may come back outside. Do you think you will be alright?"

I am worried about him seeing Christine in her coffin with no one to soothe his sadness or worries for the future.

Wanting to impress both his father and me Gustave pulls his shoulders back to say, "Of course I will be fine. I am not a baby. I am ten and shall turn eleven next month."

"Well if you are sure. Your father and I won't be but a few minutes if Raoul agrees of course," I say as I turn to Raoul enquiringly.

"Yes I do believe I should like to have a word with you as well. Later we must carry on a longer conversation but for now there are a few pressing details we need to settle," he says in a reasonable tone. All his graces and airs are returning as he becomes more sober. No one looking at him now would believe he had wagered his wife on a bet, one that if he lost he agreed to leave her in the hands of another man. In the cold light of day I can see that neither of us fares very well in this scenario.

After Gustave departed we stood in silence. Neither one of us can find the words to begin our conversation. At the best of times I am not an articulate speaker. Through music and song I am able to express emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. Exchanging words with others is hard for me unless I am giving orders to be carried out. Those do not require any interaction. Conversations with others was not part of my life growing up. Most of my encounters with Christine had been of a musical nature.

"Erik I do hope we can come to a peaceful solution to all of this. I know we spoke a little upon these matters but there is so much that needs to be addressed. In light of recent revelations I know I shall have to allow you and Gustave to form some sort of relationship. All I ask is that you leave him with me, just to start with," he speaks quickly seeing that I am about to protest.

"You may see him as often as you wish. I may not have been the father Gustave deserved but I am the only father he knows. He will need time to adjust especially with…with his mother's death," his voice is breaking with the strain of keeping from giving in to the tears I can see filling his eyes.

Ten years is a long time to hold a grudge. Letting go of my anger toward Raoul had been a freeing experience. Who knows if after my grief has abated if I will still feel so sympathetic toward him. We are two men sharing the same pain and we should be able to comfort one another yet here we are and I can give him no outward show of understanding or console him as a normal person would. Our past I suppose cannot be dismissed quite so easily just because we share a mutual tragedy.

Even with Gustave I had to spend an entire night sifting through all my emotions before settling on celebrating and embracing the connection between us. So many years my life has been about me and my pain that it took many hours sitting beside his bedside to see that the child lying in that bed would wake feeling lost, abandoned and as if his world had been torn apart.

Learning I am a parent did not magically give me the skills and incite to deal with a child in the throws of grief but it did give me the incentive to try to understand how he might see things. Not having a normal childhood myself I am not the best person to delve into the thought processes of a child. I had to wade through the muck and mire we adults had placed him in to come to see clearly how to approach Gustave. Trust from him will have to be earned. I believe his docile acceptance the night he lost his mother came about because the poor fellow was gripped by shock. Gradually over the last two days he has begun to return to being the boy he was before. Soon I suspect he may show his anger at the loss of his mother in a more demonstrative fashion. Tantrums and displays of anger will not be beyond the realm of possibility. Remembering my own penchant for fiery displays of temper in all likelihood my son may have inherited my negative traits as well as the positive.

God help us all if in later years he develops irrational behavior as I did. He will have love from Raoul and from me which will give him some security. Raoul will be the much better guideline to us as to proper behavior as I lived by the rules what is yours is mine if I want or need it and do as I say or else. Back then I tended to be rather tyrannical. If honest with myself I am still of the same mind frame but I am willing to work on changes within myself.

It is rather hard for me to feel close to anyone. Even Christine took many months before I took notice of anything more than her voice. Day by day our connection grew. I suspect there may be a physical reason for my disassociation with humanity as well as a mental distancing. I have made it a point to gather every book on the subject of the human mind as well as behavior due to trauma or damage in the brain itself. Knowing all of this it makes it easier to agree with Raoul as to how we shall approach our current dilemma.

"I agree we must take things slowly and not let ourselves become mired down with past grievances. " It is to be hoped he has the good grace not to point out that almost all that happened during my years at the opera house were things that transpired due to my demands or crazed plots and plans. When he said nothing on the subject I breathed more easily. It would not do for us to engage in fisticuffs on such a dismal day. I am forever grateful I had long ago given up carrying around a sword or knives hidden about my person. At times I deem it necessary to still have my Punjab lasso but only on those nights I walk about into the wee hours of the morning trying to run from my nightmares.

Having no more to say we awkwardly stand facing each other not knowing what to do now. If we had been men of normal acquaintance we would have shaken hands. If we had a normal relationship none of the preceding conversation would likely have been necessary.

We enter the chapel together so we may rejoin Gustave, the son we will now share. God keep us from ruining this precious child. God keep me from ruining this precious child for I know myself all too well. After the first flush of sharing in Christine's loss begins to fade I will return to my usual arrogant self-serving personality. There are times when I can conquer my less pleasant traits but not always. Not being able to have much of anything in my early life I held on tight to what I did have wanting to share none of it with anyone. I do think my self absorption in my bid to win Christine caused me to ignore the warning signs Meg so clearly displayed that she was losing her grip on reality. Madame should have had the first clue when Meg displayed signs of adoration for me. Loving me has not been a pleasant experience for anyone thus far in my life. With Gustave I pray that will change. Time will tell.

A/N: Only one review for chapter one. Moved this back to plays/musicals hoping to get more readers. Please let me know if this is plausible.