AN: Wow. I never cease to be amazed by you, amazing reviewers! Thank you! This chapter is for all the wonderful reviewers, who made the decision between making this a collection of one-shots or a legit story!
It's officially a legit story!
Blessings,
bookdiva
"…I'd be able to get to him," Ray finished for her. Kensi nodded, then suddenly remembered that Ray couldn't see her.
"Y-yeah," she choked out. Talking was suddenly near impossible for her. There was silence on the line for a long while before Kensi couldn't take it anymore. "Ray, I'm desperate here! I-I don't know how to help him, or if I even can."
"Look, Kensi," Ray said, his voice uncharacteristically serious, "if anyone can help Marty it's you. Not me."
It wasn't the answer Kensi had been expecting, and if she were being honest—which was admittedly quite rare—it wasn't the response she'd wanted, either. It seemed to echo all the guilt she'd been living with for the past month.
If I had been there… If I hadn't left… If I had said something…
If I, if I, if I…. She kept playing the game in her mind. Over and over and over and over.
"What do you mean?" she asked Ray eventually. He gave a humorless chuckle in response—one that sounded so much like Deeks's that it physically hurt her heart.
"I mean," Ray said, "that all his life Marty has had people disappoint him and leave him. His dad, his mom, hell, even me. But with you, he's finally found a safe place. Someone who would never disappoint him. Someone who would never leave him."
Ray's words were like a knife to Kensi's heart, and the tears she'd held at bay for over a month finally broke loose. Tears streaked silently down her cheeks as she held her breath to keep the sobs at bay. It was silent for a long moment before Kensi couldn't hold it back anymore. A sob slipped through her tight control.
"Kensi?!" Ray sounded surprised. "Are you—why are you crying? What did I say?"
But by that time, Kensi's control crumbled, and she slipped into silent sobs. Every once in a while, a sound would come out, letting Ray know she was still there and still crying.
"Kensi, talk to me," Ray's desperate voice came over the line. It sounded so much like something Deeks would say, that Kensi paused.
Get it together, she chided herself, trying desperately to rein in her overwhelming emotions. You're not helping Deeks like this.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry, Ray," Kensi finally managed to get a full sentence out. "I-I just… I m-m-messed up, Ray."
"Shhh, Kensi, it's okay," Ray said, desperately trying to reassure her. "Look, you can talk to me, okay? Tell me whatever it is. Maybe… maybe I could help."
"I don't know, Ray," she whispered. "I really, really screwed up."
"Good," Ray responded tersely. This snapped Kensi slightly out of her funk and left her confused.
"G-good?"
"Yes, good," Ray replied. He seemed to realize that being sympathetic wouldn't help Kensi, so he was being more direct. "It's good that it was you who did something stupid, because that means that you can fix it."
"I-I don't know," Kensi said, still unsure.
"Well, why the hell not?" Ray demanded. "What happened?"
Kensi sighed, and suddenly the whole story came flooding out.
"I was—I was angry at him," she began, recalling that moment vividly. "I was irrational and ridiculous and he was doing a job, and it's not like I really had any official claim over him—" she ignored Ray's incredulous scoff and continued, "—but I was just so damn frustrated! And I berated his communication skills, and what does he do? He just kisses me! And then he pulls back, and I can't think of a damn thing to say, and then he's all, 'how's that for communication?' and, and, and… and I didn't know what to say!" Kensi began to unconsciously pace during her rant.
"I didn't know what to say," she repeated softer. "And… and I had to stay with the other agent. I had to. It's my job. So I… I l-l-left."
"Ah," Ray said, understanding coloring his tone.
"And then all hell broke loose!" Kensi continued, as if she hadn't heard him. "And then when we finally found him… I had to make him stay. Just for awhile longer, but he…" she trailed off. Suddenly, it was as if she was no longer in her car, talking to Ray. She was in that warehouse, standing in front of her beaten partner. His eyes were begging her to untie him. To save him. "He asked me to untie him. He thought—he thought I was there to save him, and that everything would be okay. But I—"
"You left him there." There wasn't a hint of condemnation in Ray's voice. Only understanding. It infuriated Kensi.
"Yes!" she exploded. "I left him there." She was silent for a moment before she continued, more upset than before. "How can you not be yelling at me, Ray? Did you not hear me? LEFT HIM THERE!"
"I heard you the first time, Kens," Ray said, sounding calm. Kensi didn't give him the chance to continue.
"How the hell can you be so calm about this?" she demanded.
"But you went back for him," Ray answered. This managed to render Kensi confused, yet again.
"Of course I went back for him," she said. "He—he's my…" Everything. Deeks's words flashed in her mind.
"Your smile... your laugh…. Everything…."
Yes, she realized. He's my everything.
"So, go back for him again," Ray said, cutting Kensi out of her thoughts. And she understood what Ray was saying. Don't give up on him.
Suddenly, it all made sense. And in that moment, after thanking Ray and promising to call when she'd fixed things, Kensi knew what she had to do.
P. S. Wow. That was emotionally draining to write.
P. P. S. If any of you have some prompts for me to get started on a one-shot compilation, I'd love to hear them. PM me, or leave it in a review :D
