Tegan's POV

The first thing I become aware of when I wake up is the complete sense of peace that washes over me. I open my eyes and I can see Sara facing me with her arms pulled into her chest as my arm remains over her and our legs intertwine. I assume that she turned over in her sleep into me and it brings a smile to my face. We haven't been this close to each other physically in months, and it was definitely not under the same circumstance. I think back to every time I would touch my twin I would stop breathing for a moment and savor the feeling of her skin on mine. I nuzzle into her, bringing her closer to me and I take everything in. The way she smells is intoxicating and I inhale her sweet scent, losing myself in my twin, thinking of no one else. I want to stay here forever, seeing or talking to only my dear Sara, loving her into the night, until we're both old and reminiscing about the good old days when we were on tour together. I forget all about my fears or about how outside the apartment's walls that the world is a cruel and unforgiving place, which is hard for me to do, but somehow simply lying there with a sleeping Sara I managed to be happy.

However I know that I have things to do and I can't stay on the couch with the girl I love, no matter how much I want to. Very carefully I detach myself from Sara, making sure I don't move to suddenly to avoid waking her up. Good god she's so cute when she sleeps. I go over to the bookshelf and grab a pad of paper and a pen, scribbling out a quick note for her when she wakes up so she won't worry. I know she has a tendency to get scared if I'm gone and she doesn't know where I am so I write that I'm leaving, but have my phone on me a and will be back shortly. I know I hate it going to sleep with someone else and waking up alone, but I promise myself that I'll make it up to her when I return. I go into Sara's room where my suitcase is and throw on a grey T-shirt, black jacket, dark skinny jeans and vans before I brush my teeth and fix my hair. Quickly I grab my keys, phone and wallet, shoving them into my pocket before I place the note next to Sara right where I was lying. I fix the blanket around her so she won't get cold and place a very light kiss on her lips before I sneak out of her apartment.

I take the stairs down to the street level and walk out into the frigid Montreal air. The city seems like it was meant for Sara. Sara. Countless emotions run through me when I think of my twin. The entire situation with her right now makes my head hurt. When I'm with her I don't know how to explain how she makes me feel. Everything feels right and I love it. But the taboo on incest makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong; yet I don't see how any sort of love could be wrong, regardless of who is sharing said love. I care about Sara and want nothing more than for her to be happy with whomever she's with and be content with whatever it is she's doing, and I want to support her no matter what. If one day she decided to no longer talk to me because the stress and complexity of whatever it is we have together I think I'd be okay with it. Not because I don't love her, but because I do. The relationship is so confusing I would understand if at any moment she wanted out. Although that would cause me great pain, I just want her to do what's best for her, even if it's not with me. Oh how I wish I got to be the one who made her the happiest though. Growing up with Sara I know everything about her. Her quirks, her pet peeves, what makes her smile; I know it all. The complete comfort I have with her and the familiarity of being near her is something that I treasure because I know the connection we have is mutual. My heart races when I see her because her beauty is something that I still can't comprehend even though I've spent more time with her than anyone else. Although we're identical twins, I don't think she looks anything like me. The way she holds herself is so eloquent and different from the way I am and she looks at things so differently than I do. She's my breath of fresh air. She's what keeps me sane.

So when I think about how I reacted when she spoke to me in New Orleans I feel ashamed. I acted out of fear and said a lot of things I regret. Thinking of how I yelled, more at myself than at Sara, I try not to cry as I continue to walk. I feel horrible over what I said to her. I wasn't saying what I thought, but relayed what society says about incestuous relationships. That it's wrong, disgusting, unnatural, ect. I hid how I actually feel about Sara because I was frightened about what would happen if things started to happen between us. After seeing how much hurt I caused her I felt disgusting, not because I'm in love with my sister, but because I caused the person I love the most in this world pain and I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for what I said to Sara. Then again, some people say being gay is disgusting, but I'm gay as well, although at one point I did hate myself because I'm gay. Maybe, just maybe loving someone as more than a sister is the same way. I hope so. I want to continue loving Sara as long as she'll let me. She makes my days brighter. When I find it hard to smile its Sara that brings me joy I crave. For so long I envied those who had a relationship with the honesty and easiness that Sara and I have, and I consider myself very lucky to have her in my life.

I reach my destination: a small diner. I smile at the waitress who asks me a few questions about what I wish to order and I sit on a stool on a bar where you can eat instead of on of their large red booths. I flip through my phone as I wait and check my messages. I see a text from Emy, Sara's ex-girlfriend and our merchandise designer, asking me to send her an e-mail whenever I'm able with any general ideas I had for a new T-shirt. I feel like given the circumstance I should feel some resentment towards Emy, but I don't. She was a very important part of Sara's life, and although I'm not on the same terms with her as Sara once was, I'm very fond of Emy and wish her nothing but the best. Look at me, being mature and adult-like. Sara's breakfast and mine comes so I pick up the boxes and walk back out into the street to go back to the apartment.

I think about how unsure I am about everything going on in my life as I get closer and closer to my love. I don't know what's going to happen with us. I don't know what would happen if someone found out how we feel about each other. I don't know how my family would react if we told them. For now the unknowing is scary, but I about Sara more than anything else. I promise myself that if I truly love her that I'm going to do only what will make her happy. I never want to hurt her again. I'm overjoyed that she's giving me this second chance and I want to prove to her that I can do this. Sure it's going to be hard, but Sara is more than worth it.