What Tanya Went Through
I was obsessing.
I was completely aware of that fact, yet I was still standing in front of the Christmas tree searching for the perfect spot to hang the last ornament. This ornament was special. Of all the decorations that would go up this holiday, this one was the most important. It had been sitting there on the side table in its carefully packed box patiently waiting, and I wasn't about to put it just anywhere on the tree.
I moved one of the many round silver balls, and a lovely gold bell that had been a gift one year from Esme, and gently hung the long slender crystal on a sturdy branch right in the front of the tree. I stood back again to get a better look at my work, and smiled in satisfaction. It was perfect.
My smile lasted for a moment, until I was cruelly reminded that it wasn't supposed to be like this. There was a time, countless ages ago, when there were four of us decorating the tree. We were a family then, and on occasions like this there was laughter and love. But then in an act of spite and arrogance, the Volturi had callously taken mother from us.
For so long there had been just the three of us. Irina, Kate, and I. Now, Irina was gone, and our numbers were down to two. And once again, the Volturi were to blame.
I fingered the beautiful crystal and watched how the morning sun shone down on it and shot prisms of light throughout the room. I closed my eyes and swallowed back the familiar pain. How Irina had loved decorating the Christmas tree.
What made this even more painful was the fact that Kate wasn't here. She was off on an extended vacation with her new husband Garrett and wouldn't be back until Christmas Eve. So, here I was. There were too many memories, too many stories wrapped in every ornament on this tree. No one should ever have to decorate a Christmas tree alone.
I gathered up all the boxes and carried them back to storage. The one thing I didn't want was to wallow in self pity. I would dab my toe in it every now and then, but wallow...never.
And if I was being truthful, I wasn't completely alone in this house. Carlisle and Esme were living here, and he was working in the hospital in Anchorage. But doctor's hours are long, and Esme was usually to be found in the greenhouse that Carlisle built for her. Her greenhouse was taking much of her time these days; in fact she had been gone for almost a week gathering supplies for a shipment of plants that were soon due to arrive.
And then of course, there were Alice and Jasper. They were staying here as well, and Alice was great to have around the house. She brought some life back to this place, and she loved to decorate. The house was decked out more for Christmas this year than ever before. There was hardly a space left that wasn't covered in red, green, or tinsel. But, she and Jasper were, obviously, very close. They spent much of their time alone, and I always felt like a third wheel when it was just the three of us. In fact, that is how I often felt these days, like a large, clunky, awkward, third wheel.
But thankfully, today there was much more to keep my mind occupied. Decorating the Christmas tree was only the first item on my list. There was going to be a large gathering here tonight. Bella, Edward, Rose and Emmett would be arriving and so were many of the friends we met when we were all trying to protect Renesmee. Carmen and Eleazar, who had their own home a few miles away, would also be here. The house would be full of laughter again.
As I busied myself with getting the rooms ready, I realized how sitting in this quiet house was driving me to the brink. It was true what Esme had been trying to tell me: The best thing to do was to keep busy; to keep my mind occupied with matters brighter than Irina's death and the revenge that kept playing in my mind for those damned, arrogant Italians. She was right. Those thoughts weren't helping anyone.
I was just finishing the last room, when I heard a vehicle coming up the drive. It was Esme. She was back sooner than I expected, and I was so happy to see her. At least there were would be someone else in this large house and I wouldn't have just the clock ticking incessantly in my head to keep me company.
She walked in, and I met her with a smile. "Hello, Esme. How was your trip?"
"It was wonderful!" She replied enthusiastically. "I found everything I needed, and unfortunately, quite a bit more." She chuckled as she sat down her purse and thumbed through some envelopes she'd brought from the mailbox. "I hope the plants arrive soon. I am quite anxious to get started."
I stood up and said, "Well, how about I help you get all your supplies out to the greenhouse."
Esme smiled eagerly and I followed her out to her SUV. She wasn't kidding, it was packed full of boxes and bags. We each gathered armfuls and quickly had everything in the greenhouse. Esme's smile lit up her whole face.
"I'm going to go in and change, and then start organizing everything in here," she said with excitement.
We started walking back to the house when Esme's eyes grew wide. "How could I forget to tell you? I got some good news on the way home today."
"What is it," I asked eagerly. Anything out of the ordinary was welcome.
"There was a message from Alex on my voicemail, telling me he will be with us for Christmas," she said happily.
"A...Alex?" I breathed.
She nodded. "I actually haven't spoken with him yet. Apparently he is trying to track down Carlisle. A few weeks ago, Carlisle left him a message inviting him to spend the holidays with us. But he must not have told him we were staying here. Alex is coming here to ask you if you have any idea where we are."
"He is coming...here...today?" I said, barely able to mask my delight.
Esme raised a conspiratorial eyebrow at me. "That's what his message said." She took a hold of my arm. "I had no idea that he would really come. With the rest of the family arriving tonight, this will be just perfect. Won't it be wonderful to have him here?"
I nodded my head. I was afraid if I said anything, it would give away how I really felt.
Esme pulled out her phone to see if she had missed a call. "I've been trying to get in touch with him ever since, but the call won't go through. He must be heading through The Pass right now."
I followed her into the house. "What time do you expect him to be here?" I asked. She walked quickly through the living room and headed for the stairway.
"I'm not really sure," she said. She checked her watch as she began climbing the stairs. "I'm guessing in the next few hours, if he's in the Pass. I'm going to change and get some things done out in the greenhouse before he arrives."
I heard her bedroom door close, and I stood there in shock. Alex was coming here. Sexy, mysterious, devastatingly handsome Alex. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I had to think clearly. I had at most two hours to prepare for Alex's arrival, and I needed a clear head. Luckily, I had spent the morning straightening up the house, and the decorations and tree looked perfect. Now, all I had to work on was myself.
I ran to my room to get ready.
The problem was finding an outfit that looked like you weren't trying to pick out an outfit on purpose. Like you just casually happened to look great. I perused my closet and finally found something that I thought would work, then I ran for the bathroom to get started on my hair and face.
Alex was 28 years old when he was changed. He had short dark hair that always looked perfect. I once had the urge to mess it up just to see what he would do. He had a strong nose, and a perfectly angled chin, and in the rare moment when you caught him smiling, dimples appeared and deepened in each cheek. His eyes were ...well, his eyes were red...a matter of tension between him and Carlisle, that somehow their friendship had been able to overlook. The thing was, I knew he drank the blood of humans, yet he was refined and genteel in his actions. For me, it just added to the package that made Alex all the more mystifying.
I remembered the first time I saw him. There had been a gathering of several covens at a large mansion in Sicily. The room was full of beautiful men. Edward was there, but by then I knew that any hopes I'd had of there being anything between us was a lost cause. Several men approached me. They were handsome and charming, but I simply wasn't interested. Then, in the corner of the room, I noticed someone.
I was intrigued by the sheer boredom on his face. It wasn't so much that he was bored with the party, it was more that he was bored with his whole existence. Bored with the idea of just being. Indeed, he rather reminded me of Marcus.
I watched him throughout the night, there was just something about him...something about his powerful shoulders, the way his tailored suit fit him like a glove, the way he talked with people, but yet managed to remain aloof and apart from the group. He talked to many beautiful women that night. The most beautiful women this world had to offer. They would move in close and make their "intentions" known. But each time they walked away without the prize.
I wanted to know his story. I was gaining up the courage to ask Jasper or Emmett if they knew him, when as if by providence, Carlisle walked up to him and shook his hand as if they were old friends. And indeed, it did seem that they were close. For the first time that night, I saw animation in the mystery man's face. He smiled and I almost melted. Even from their dark corner his dimples were clearly visible. They talked for the better part of an hour, and when I could sense that their conversation was coming to an end. I gathered my courage. It was now or never.
I walked over and put my hand on Carlisle's arm and said hello. Immediately, I saw the shadow return to the man's features. The hard shell was back.
Carlisle smiled and introduced me. "Alex, this is Tanya. She is a member of my family."
I put out my hand, and Alex took it. His grip was light as he held my hand up and slightly bowed. "Nice to meet you Tanya," he said perfunctorily. Had he not felt obligated by Carlisle, I was sure that he never would have made the effort to talk to me.
I tried to start a conversation. I noticed he had a southern accent, and I asked him about that, but after being evasive in all his answers, he told Carlisle that he had to leave. He then made a quick exit out the door. I stood there with Carlisle, trying not to show my disappointment and hurt; I had been shut down by only the second vampire that I'd had any real interest in for the last 500 years.
I checked my watch. It was almost time. I gave myself one last appraising look in the mirror, and went back out to wait in the living room. The large windows would give me a birds-eye view of anyone coming up the drive.
Now came the hard part: waiting. With every minute I became more anxious, and I knew it was a mistake to let myself get so worked up. If I had any chance of impressing Alex, I would have to act cool, perhaps a bit mysterious. After all, his chosen profession thrived on just such a personality.
After Alex left the party that first night, I asked Carlisle about him. What he told me only served to intrigue me further. Alex was a detective. A very good one. In fact, he was quite famous in certain circles. His job took him all around the globe, which meant he didn't really have a place that he called home. Carlisle seemed to feel that he was a bit of a loner.
Carlisle had mentioned one more thing. It was a fact that didn't mean much to me at the time, but now, it definitely interested me. Alex was quite powerful. So powerful in fact, that even the Volturi tried to steer clear of him. They were, "leery" was the word Carlisle used, of Alex and the power that he had. But he hadn't told me just what that power was.
Since that night, I had seen Alex twice. Several months after the party in Sicily, I was visiting a large coven in my hometown of Sochi. There were so many of us there, that I never had the chance to meet them all. In the middle of the night, I felt the need to be alone. I walked to my favorite place, the beach. I was sitting at one of my favorite spots, when I heard someone behind me. I turned, and to my complete shock, I saw Alex. I called to him and he came and sat by me.
From the start of our conversation something was different. His mood was quiet, almost contemplative, as if he was thinking about something that was troubling him. He asked me about my family. When I told him that I had grown up in Sochi, and described to him my love of the beach, he dove into another whole line of questions. Each inquiry was more probing and intuitive than the one before it. He smiled at something I said, and I could see the hint of the man he was inside. I could see goodness, compassion, and the need for something more than his life was giving him. I yearned to know that man, to have him know me in the same way, but all too soon, he stood and after saying a quick good-bye, he was gone.
After that, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I thought about him all the time. When I found out that Alex was coming to Forks for a very short visit, I knew I couldn't let an opportunity like that pass me by, and I shamelessly invited myself to stay with the Cullens. But this time, I was severely disappointed. He was as detached and indifferent to me as he had been in Sicily. I tried everything I could to engage him in conversation, to find that same man I had talked with on the beach that night, but he made it clear that I was an intrusion. It was obvious that he had not been thinking of me; that for him, the night in Sochi had meant nothing. I left Forks as soon as possible.
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a vehicle coming up the long drive. As soon as I saw the sleek European sports car, I knew it was Alex. I made myself take a large breath. It had been over two years since I had seen him. I wondered which man would be stepping out of the car. The one that captivated me, or the cold, reserved one. Someone like Alex only wanted what he thought he couldn't have.
Be cool, I told myself.
Be mysterious, I demanded.
Be smooth, I insisted.
But then, once he stopped the car, he just sat there. He made no effort to get out of the car, he was...he was reading! He was actually sitting in the car reading a book! Who does that? The longer he sat there, the more agitated I became. I was pacing back and forth. All of the sudden I began to worry that he would never even come in the house. What if he changed his mind? What if he started the car and turned and left? I had half a mind to just walk out to the car and get him.
No. I couldn't do that. That would definitely ruin my plan to be cool, mysterious, and smooth.
I had just decided that I was in fact going to walk out there, when his car door opened. My breath caught as I watched him walk towards the house. He was wearing those sexy sunglasses and his suit...and the way he walked...I couldn't stand it any longer. I flung the door open and he jumped back a step as I ran out to greet him.
"Well, what a surprise!" I said. "Alex, it's been too long!" Before I knew what I was doing, I was hugging him. I was hugging Alex. I had never done more than shake his hand and even that seemed to cause him anxiety. Why was I hugging him? His arms haltingly went around my middle as he half-heartedly hugged me back.
I pulled away and said, "What are you doing here? How long are you staying?" I ran my hands along his strong shoulders and said, "Wow, I love your suit." Did I really say just that? I thought. Just keep talking, Tanya, I reminded myself.
"Oh, everyone will be so happy to see you! We've so much to tell you! A lot has changed since you were last here! We could have used your help a couple years back. We were down visiting your brother and his family, trying to help them out with a...problem, when those damned Italians showed up, causing havoc and nearly ruining everything, as you can imagine."
I had put my arm around him; oh my...he had an amazing body, and was pulling him towards the front door. There was a look on his face that made me afraid he was going to turn around and leave, so I wasn't taking any chances. But halfway there, he stopped. I turned and looked at him and he said, "Um, actually I was just looking for my brother, and I was wondering if y'all knew where he was?"
I waved my hand dismissively as I resumed guiding him into the house. "He's working at the hospital down in Anchorage. He'll be home this evening."
He stopped again and I set my teeth. Was I ever going to get Alex into my house?
"He-he's living with y'all now?" He said.
He had a look of apprehension and shock on his face. It was almost as if he were afraid. He was thrust into danger all the time. I didn't understand what could be causing him such anxiety now.
I laughed lightly, hoping it would lessen his concerns, and said, "Yes, he and Esme are living here, and Alice and Jasper as well. The rest of them have scattered for the time being. But they're all going to be here with us for Christmas. In fact, we are planning a big party tonight! And now you're here! Oh, what a lovely surprise!"
He remained silent, so I thought I would give him more good news.
"Oh, and Kate has found a husband finally! His name's Garrett. Oh, you'll love him-he's an adventurer, just like you! And he used to be a nomad, too, so you guys should have lots in common!"
Once again, I began pulling him towards the house.
"I'm a detective, not an 'adventurer'," he said, making air quotes with his fingers. "Nor am I a 'nomad', so can we please just..."
He stopped walking again, and I thought I was going to have to pick him up and carry him into the house.
"Wait," he said with surprise. "Did you say Kate is married to this guy?"
His face looked angry. His hands were balled into fists, and his jaw was set tight. I watched him swallow hard, and I wondered what I'd said that could have set him off so badly.
In my nervousness, I giggled. I actually giggled. I tried to think of something to lighten the mood. "Yes, and they're so cute together! It's fun to see Kate so deeply in love after all these years! She deserves the happiness she's having."
I was acting like an idiot. I was talking incessantly and I hadn't asked him anything about himself. Think, Tanya...ask him about himself. Before I could stop myself, I said, "How about you? Any special women in your life?"
Of all the stupid things I could have asked him...now he was sure to think I was desperate and trying to trap him. There was no way to get the words back in. I could tell from his face that I'd said absolutely the wrong thing.
"Nope," he said with conviction. "Don't think there ever will be. My work is my passion. My brain needs problems to solve, my mind rebels at stagnation. I could never just settle down in one place, either. Women want stability, they want permanence, and I move around too much for that. So there's really no room for a woman in my life."
And with that, I knew exactly which man had come here today. You had to give him credit. He certainly left no room for doubt in my mind. A man who knew what he wanted. He was perfect. Except for the fact that he had just made it absolutely clear that he didn't want me. There were plenty of men out there. I had my pick. Then how? How in the world did I manage to be so deeply attracted to the only two men in the world who could care less about me?
I didn't want Alex to see how much his words had hurt me. I quickly put on a smile and began my incessant blabbering again.
"But anyway, I'm so glad to see you again, Alex!"
It wasn't helping. I could still feel the sob rising in my throat. I felt so vulnerable, and there he was with those sunglasses on, hiding his eyes and emotions so well. Hiding everything underneath that cold and calculating exterior.
"Silly boy," the words just stumbled out. "You don't have to wear those sunglasses! Your red eyes don't bother us."
I was getting more idiotic by the second. This was a disaster. When everything had happened with Edward, Irina had been the one who pulled me through. She had been so kind and understanding. She had always known exactly the right thing to say, and seemed to sense what I was feeling. Now, she was gone. Well, now that I knew that there was no hope for me and Alex, perhaps he could still help with something else. The Volturi.
"We've heard rumors that those damn Italians are concerned because of our family Christmas," I stated. "They think that we're plotting something against them, because our joint covens are so big now. But they daren't try anything now that the most powerful vampire in the world is here!"
"I am not the most powerful vampire, Tanya," he said. "Why do we always have to go through this? It's embarrassing. And if anything, my presence here will probably only confirm their suspicions that you are up to something."
And yet again, I had somehow managed to say the wrong thing. But I knew that he was being modest. The Volturi did not like Alex.
"Well, perhaps, but those damned Italians are still scared of you, you know!" I knew that I sounded bitter, but at this point, I didn't think it really matter how I acted.
Miraculously, we had managed to make it to the front porch. I assumed that at any moment he would make a run for his car and drive as far away as he could get from desperate, babbling Tanya.
Instead, he turned to me again and asked, "Why do you keep calling them, 'those damned Italians'? I mean, I know you don't like them-who does, the way they lord it over all the other vampires?"
I looked at him wistfully. He really was so handsome. I wondered what would have happened if he had been there the day that Irina was taken from me.
"They don't lord it over you, Alex," I said softly.
He simply shrugged. "Like you said, I suppose they prefer to just leave me alone after our last...little encounter. Besides, like I said, I move around a lot so I figure it's probably hard for them to get an accurate fix on me. But seriously...you never used to call them 'damned' before. What's the story behind that change?"
I bit my lip and looked down at my hands to keep him from seeing my face. Desperate, babbling, and emotional would probably be too much for him. When I felt I had my feelings under control, I looked up at him and said, "Remember when I told you that we had been down at your brother's? Well, while we were there, those Volturi...those bastards...they-they killed Irina!"
He finally took off those damn sunglasses and looked at me. His eyes were wide, and he looked...furious.
"The Volturi killed Irina," he said with a seething snarl.
"Yes," I replied.
I'd had enough. I had made a complete fool of myself in front of Alex, and now I wanted to be as far away from him as I could get. Besides, it didn't matter how angry anyone was over Irina. Anger wouldn't bring her back.
I looked at him and sighed. "As I said before, Carlisle will be back tonight. Esme is in the greenhouse. Take the path and follow it to the backyard and you'll find her."
I didn't wait for a reaction. I turned and walked into the house. I looked back and saw that he was still standing there, staring into the trees, the look of anger still on his face. "It's great to have you here, Alex. Truly it is. You are welcome to stay as long as you like. There is a bedroom across the hall from Carlisle and Esme. You are welcome to have it." I gave him a small smile and walked away. I didn't close the door. I would let him make the decision of whether he wanted to stay or not…..
