Chapter 2 - "You're not going to tell him it's over." He confirmed with a nod of his head. Suddenly that guilt, that gut feeling decided to take over. He now felt like he'd slowly murdered everyone he cared about. He'd now ruined a friendship, lost his self-respect and potentially ruined a loving relationship with someone that could only be salvaged by a lie. He betrayed the one person who was always loyal to him and all of this was thrown away for someone who'd already left him once. Why couldn't Emily have come to the party?
"I can't do this with you anymore Kari." He whispered, his whole body shaking, looking at her. He paused before saying, "I can't stay in this 'four-years-ago' time frame, and I can't wait for you anymore. I need my own Josh and I need my own life. I need you to let me go."
Kari looked down from his eyes and with obnoxious confidence she said, "Only you can do that, Davis." Davis knew what that meant, it meant she liked him pining for her all these years, she liked the power she held over him and she wasn't about to let it go.
"Please, let me go. Tell me there's no chance, tell me it's over and to let it go." He repeated. She asked what he would do without her, trying to joke, but he knew there was truth to her question. He shook, grabbing his sheets in between his knuckles and said, "I'll move on again, find a new girl or fix this mess you've left me and Emily with. I'll find new friends. But that scares me."
She raised her eyebrow, happy with her control and said, "Why?"
He felt highly emasculated right now. "I am afraid... that you won't care the way that I cared when you made these decisions. Moving on." She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. "I am sick of being your fall back, I'm not just going to be here always, one day you will want a friend like me again, but I will have moved on."
"I know." She said with tears threatening to spill. "Believe me Davis, I will always dream about what could have been, but this isn't right." She said placing her hand over her heart. "We both have somebody and Josh and I just seem to match. You and I are beautiful and last night was beautiful but…" She shook her head. "I don't know what to say."
With a raise of his eyebrows he said, "No I get it. What could have beens are magical, but they are so over."
Kari finished dressing and decided she was done addressing the matter. "You're upset, and I get that, but Emily is coming back today and you have to either like, clean up or tell her what happened."
"Yeah. I don't… think she should know right now. I don't think she should know." He said as Kari nodded and rested her arm on his back. Sometimes he wished she'd never met T.K., sometimes he wished he'd of moved further away from her, and sometimes he wished his life would turn out to be a poorly written sitcom, which would explain all the plot twists. Kari left shortly thereafter and suggested they not see each other anymore. Davis slept the rest of the day away, ignoring several phone calls from Ken, inquiring where Davis and Kari had run off to and a separate phone call inviting him out for coffee that afternoon.
Davis didn't like to think of himself as morally challenged, though this situation seemed to prove that he clearly was. Davis had never cheated on anyone before, and the thought that what he and Kari had was "cheating" seemed strange. Thinking that Kari helped him "cheat" on Emily made him feel even angrier at the situation. When you cheat on someone and fail to tell them, is your "I love you" still valid?
At 9PM, Davis had made a trip to the gym, as he couldn't very well sleep. After going to the gym, Davis returned home for a shower. To Davis, showers at the gym were far too personal with other gym members. Instead of showering, though, he wrapped himself in a cold blanket, his room was smoking hot –that's what he needed, a good smoke- and his legs were restless to get up and walk around. He lay with his head on his arm, which was raised above his pillow. He reached onto the ground for his jeans and pulled his cigarettes out of the pocket. Empty.
Great.
Lying back down, he pulled the cotton sheets over his body and struggled to sleep, recalling every moment from the party. Things he could have done different. Woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Davis didn't like to think of himself as morally challenged, though this situation seemed to prove that. Davis had never cheated on anyone before, and the thought that what he and Kari had was "cheating" seemed strange. Thinking that Kari helped him "cheat" on Emily made him feel even angrier at the situation. When you cheat on someone and fail to tell them, is your "I love you" still valid?
Apparently, in the sudden throws of guilt, sleeping is heavily discouraged. He could still smell sugar and walnuts on his sheets, not that he cared anymore… He felt terrible. After investing so much into Emily… What kind of person would do this to someone they care about? He'd met her parents for goodness sakes.
He wondered if he finally found the perfect life, career path, and girlfriend, or was his life scarily planned out and routine? When it comes to relationships, Davis wondered, is the spark subjected only to the beginnings of relationships, or were people just willing to settle without the spark in order to be comfortable?
With Kari, it'd always been the spark, but was that only so because he couldn't have her? If all the while she had been living with him, instead of Emily, would he feel just as content and trapped? Did he cheat because he felt trapped… or was that just his minds excuse?
He wondered if it could all boil down to, you'll always hold onto the one who got away. The faux relationship where everything was so wonderful, and it never quite leaves the ground due to a third party, or some other unforeseen occurrence. Even if the relationship turned ugly near the end, you'll always have a soft spot for that person and you'll always manage to remember the good times first.
Was comfortable just another word for rut? It seemed once out of a relationship, comfortable is where you want to get back to, and when you finally get there, you're bored.
What was down the path for him and Emily? He loved her, she'd been his longest relationship, they were living together, it only seemed fitting that marriage would be one of the next steps, that, and graduating. How was marriage supposed to work, anyway? Davis feared divorce, it didn't even seem like it should be legal. Two people shouldn't get married under the terms that if it doesn't work out there's always an exit door. In light of his new thoughts on marriage he wondered, could two people really evolve together, especially at such a young age when there is still so much changing to be done?
Then again, do people ever stop changing?
How badly did Emily need to know the truth? He thought about this most of the night. Some who have been married for years and years profess they'd rather not know if their spouse had a previous affair, why wreck my life now, type of thing. And if you're sorry, if it's over and if you know it'll never happen again, do you need to tell your partner? If you love them and know it even more so now, if you know you'll never repeat your passed mistakes, do you need to tell your mate, just to relieve a guilty conscience with hopes of forgiveness?
They say that guilt and shame are actually quite different. Shame is a genuine embarrassment for what you've done, a wallowing self pity, whereas guilt often leads you to fix and/or learn from your mistakes. Perhaps, he would choose to learn from his mistake…be a better man for it, or perhaps he would just suck it up, be a man and tell her the truth and hope for what was fair. Yes, Emily deserved to know. Finally, he was tired.
Suddenly his stomach clenched as he heard the bedroom door creek open. "Booger, you up?" Emily whispered as she clumsily came into the room. He laid in a cold sweat; his heart beating 200 beats per-minute as he pretended to sleep.
He heard her toss her sandals onto the ground. The sound of her bare feet hitting the hardwood floor caused a smile to come across his face. Sometimes it was the simplest things she did that put him at ease. It seemed she gave up trying to be silent when she hopped into bed with him. Her hand was cold as she moved it across his bare chest. She rested her head in the crook of his neck and said, "Davis?" He froze and tried his best to fake sleeping, only to be thwarted as he felt her smile on his neck and she said, "I know you're awake." He then shot up and turned to her with a terrible worried stare.
"What's up?" He asked in his best groggy voice.
She placed her hand over her heart as his sudden jolt startled her. "Jeez, Davis, your heart was beating a mile a minute, are you alright?"
Breathe deep. "Em, I have to tell you something."
"Okay…" She said, now sounding concerned.
"Em…" he paused.
"Davis, you're scaring me. What?" With her one hand on her heart still, she used the other to begin fixing her hair behind her ear. At important or scary moments, Emily often felt the need to look presentable, like if somebody was going to hurt her feelings, she wanted to look good when it happened.
Davis could feel his stomach flipping. He truly didn't want to lose her, to hurt her, to see the look on her face. What would Emily be like if she knew? Would she start to max his credit cards, tell all their friends what a jerk he was… or maybe reveal a not so sexy story about their personal life? Maybe he wasn't giving her enough credit, but then again, he'd been around an ex with a broken heart, he'd even been one, and he knew from experience that rational thought tends to go out the window.
She'd probably pack her things, pack up half of his life, hey, there may even be a slap or two involved. Surely, if he kept her, lied to her… a relationship based on a lie would come back to haunt him. They always blow up, the lie comes back around and ruins things, and could he handle the guilt if he went forward with it. Suddenly, a guilt pang was sent through his stomach and he ran to the bathroom, cupping his mouth.
Emily rushed after him. She sat beside him and rubbed her hands on his thighs as he threw up. He stopped and put the lid on the toilet down, taking a seat on it, he couldn't tell if his tears were from throwing up or not. She looked up at him as he cupped his face. He looked down at her, his eyes were empty and glossed over, much like during sex, but this was not a stare of ecstasy. Davis shook his head. His breath was loud and slow.
"How was the party?" She asked in a quiet, condemning voice, still making eye contact.
Davis then began to cry. He realized this was not the most masculine, or innocent thing to be doing. He ran his hands through his hair. His face slowly creased as the tears fell. The last time Emily saw him cry was… he couldn't even remember. His lip quivered quickly as the salty tears covered his lips. No noise was heard except the leaking faucet. Finally, he raised his head, sweating and crying, meeting his eyes with Emily to await his judgment. Emily frowned and then her face went blank. She took his hand and guided him back into their bedroom. She got under the thin, black sheet, never letting go of his hand. She then wrapped his arms around her as they lay, back to stomach. She grabbed his hand and put it over her heart.
Minutes passed and the room was silent. Davis wasn't sure if Emily had fallen asleep as he whispered, "Will you still be here tomorrow?" into her ear. She sat up, causing the sheet to make a crinkling noise. He knew if they broke up, it'd be the noise he remembered most. She turned to him and smiled and she then lay down and snuggled into his chest. The next morning Davis walked into the kitchen where Emily was making breakfast. "Hi," he said as he stepped into his pants.
"Morning," She smiled. She smelled freshly showered. He loved that smell. He then began to wonder how long she had been awake. Had she been packing all morning, did she know and had she already called her mom and cleared plans to move home or find her own dorm?
He walked up behind her and shyly put his hand on her stomach. "Are we okay" He asked. She said nothing and he began to reason, "Em, look…"
Then she smiled and turned around. "It's coolio, foolio! Look, I know Kari was at the party and I know that sometimes she gets to you. So you can have your little breakdowns and I'll remain calm and not jealous, do you know why?"
"Why?" He asked nervously.
"Because I know that they are just passing feelings from the past and I know that you'd never do anything stupid," She then smacked the spatula against his arm. "Right?"
He then wrapped his arms around her and smelled her fresh wet hair. "You're too good for me."
"Really?" She smirked. "Finally, something you and my mother agree on!"
"Oh, zing!" He laughed and defended, "Your mother loves me!"
"Oh, uh-huh." She smiled.
So, there we have it. Davis is a hobag! ; This fic is pretty out of character, I am aware. The reason? This is all part of a book I am writing (that isn't Digimon) but I thought it would make an interesting Digi-fic so have gone through it separately and changed names to Digimon ones and added bits about the Digital world, etc, etc… I was thinking of setting it an like, an alt. universe but… oh well. Hope at least someone is enjoying it.
