Medieval: A Medieval Warrior Cometh

Disclaimer: Warcraft owned by Blizzard Entertainment.

How will the people's of Azeroth deal with a warrior from a land called Earth, a warrior 16 years old, with a fiery temper, an uncontrollably horrid tongue and a 140-pound Drawback weight yew longbow, and his arming sword and buckler... Watch as he horrifies and amuses the Populace with his antics... Meant to be Crack, but with Historical Accuracy... A History-crack!

You saw me mess around with gunpowder, now see me mess around with History... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author's Note: this will be quite a large crackfic by the way, generally Crackfic's are oneshot's, but i am trying to make a crackfic story, if that is possible, we shall see, also this is one of my first attempts at a humourous work.

Also, this chapter will be less about the Comedy or humour, and more a chapter to provide a better backdrop around Jonathon.


Chapter 2: Setting up camp

Several hours of travelling later.

It was nightfall, the stars where shining above in the usual way, except for the oddest thing of all, Two Moons... Two god-damned Moons!, and Jonathon could barely keep up with his guide, not that he was exhausted or anything, it was just that he could scarcely see anything 6 meters away from him, it was pitch black and he could barely see the silhouette of 'Melony'.

"Let us set up camp" Jonathon heard the lady say from in front of him, though to be honest, the thing he was actually looking at where her firm buttock's, stunning as they were against the backdrop of the Moon's overhead.

Well, that sounded like a nice proposition, and Jonathon was already untieing his rucksack which contained within it most of his valuables including several woolen blankets of which Jonathon could sleep upon.

Jonathon began to lay down the woolen blanket on the flattest spot of land that he could find, but then he heard an awful roar from behind him, then found himself directly on the ground and getting his cheek and neck licked by the roughest sand-papery like tongue he had ever felt before... Jonathon swore that he almost shit himself in shock... and then he heard laughing from behind him, which both calmed him and angered him in equal amounts.

"HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Jonathon turned around to see that it was a huge white cat-thingy with frosty blue eyes and two large fang-like things protruding from its jaw.

"Celeste, play nice... actually, give him a few swipes for me"

Well Jonathon adored cat's, why not, the little bastard's caught mice every once and a while, and they were soft and furry and emitted nice sounds when you petted them, so it was only natural that Jonathon would like them, and they also didn't give a shit if you were born an orphan or were a bastard, so they were better then most humans in that regard.

Jonathon reached out his right hand to scratch at one of the cheek's of the cat-thingy, and then he lowered the hand down to its chin before scratching up and down the chin repeatedly... Jonathon could get addicted to scratching that soft fur... the Cat lifted its head and pawed at Jonathon's face... the sensation wasn't exactly pleasant, but at least it didn't have its claws out.

Lalnyssa could not help but grin... that brat may have been a nuisance, but he looked so adorable (not that she would ever tell him that of course, he would probably use it as the centerpiece of some joke) when he was scratching Celeste, her Frostsaber mount and pet.

"Can you get the cat off of me please... i am afraid he might try to bite my face off"

Lalnyssa couldnt help but laugh inwardly before issuing a command to her pet.

"Celeste, come on, get off of the boy"

When Jonathon felt the large weight off of his body, he sighed in relief before facing melony who was busy scratching her pet.

"I told you before that my name was Jonathon, i am not some mere boy milady... I am a Jonathon, and you may refer to me as such... Melony"

Lalnyssa decided to just give Jonathon her name so that he wouldn't call him by Melony... that asshole.

"My Name is Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze, call me Melony again..." Lalnyssa tapped her moonglaive with her hand "then i will cut off your ball's"

Damn... Jonathon sure knew how to pick'em, he always got stuck with tough women, where were the easy one's... Then again, with tit's like those... he sure felt lucky to be her 'companion'... oh how he wished he could be that Cat-thing right now, to have those nice and slightly calloused palms gleaming along him.

Lalnyssa saw that the Teenager was not even looking at her face, but slightly downwards... Oh that lascivious perverted bastard... RGGHHHH!, How she wished she could strangle him... well she could, but then she would become exactly like him, so she would not stoop so low, not that she didn't wish that she could though.

Jonathon stopped staring for a moment and just decided to be helpful... a rare moment if any for Jonathon... so he decided that he would search for kindling and tinder wood and maybe a few branches here and there.

Jonathon sighed before he took off his Kettle Helmet and rested it near his rucksack, and then he loosened several strap's at the chin of his maille coif before he pulled it off of him, revealing to Lalnyssa his short, thin beard and mustache that had obviously not been shaved off for some time.

Jonathon laid the coif down inside the helmet and then stood up and walked towards the bushes.

"Where are you going?" replied Lalnyssa who saw as Jonathon turned his back.

"Where else but to get kindling and perhaps branches for a fire"

Lalnyssa didnt exactly trust Jonathon, and he needed a guide, it was not exactly safe to travel alone in Kalimdor, so she stood up straight and spoke back.

"Your not going out their alone, i will go with you, it is not safe to travel alone"

Jonathon laughed back slightly before replying.

"Just like back home in Gascony"

Lalnyssa just stared at him, this Human was strange, she had never heard of any places or towns by the name of France or Gascony, and then Lalnyssa remembered how he dodged the question earlier.

"What is this France and Gascony?"

Jonathon thought up of how to explain it.

"France is a country, it is full of Nobles and peasants and all that... Gascony is an English controlled region on France... France is at war with my Kingdom called The Kingdom of England... i am English and i speak London English, whilst the Parisian's speak Provencal and the Gascon's speak langue'doc"

"What, that is ridiculous, i have never heard of such places, and you are not speaking 'English', You are speaking Common"

"My Lady, i fear that i might be... sent from one realm or another... How is there two moons in the Sky?" Jonathon then pointed up to moon's "Where i come from, we only have the one"

"What, you only have just one moon!?"

"What did i just say, of course where i came from we only had one moon... Two moons is weird, you have one too many if you ask me"

"How did you come here?"

Jonathon shrugged his shoulders.

"Hell if i know milady, Either i committed one too many a sin or two, or i just got knocked on the head and i am all dreaming this... Those tit's of yours are really heavenly and i am lead to believe that i am just dreaming this all right now, Tit's like that don't grow off trees..."

-Schletch-

Ouch!... but pissing off the sharp eared lady was funny enough for the pain it earned him.

"I must be wrong then milady, you must be real because in a dream you feel no pain"

Lalnyssa tapped her Moonglaive again, causing Jonathon to quieten.

The duo took twenty minutes to gather enough kindling and sticks for a decent sized camp fire, when they returned to the camp site, they saw that Celeste was sleeping on one of side's of Jonathon's woolen blanket's.

Lalnyssa snorted whilst Jonathon just laughed before replying.

"It seems your cat has taken over his side of my bed... i guess it means i will have to sleep next to your big cat"

Lalnyssa decided to correct Jonathon.

"Celeste is a she... and she is not a cat, she is a Frostsaber"

"Whatever, lets make that fire, me fingers are cold"

The duo quickly set about pileing up small stones around in a circle, then began piling up the kindling and then the stick's, smallest at the bottom and thickest at the top.

Jonathon was reaching for his rucksack for his flint and steel, but then noticed that for no apparent reason, there was a spark already inside the kindling... how the hell did that happen!.

Jonathon turned to look at Lalnyssa before speaking.

"How the hell did you do that?"

Lalnyssa decided to do what Jonathon would do, deflect the question.

"Did what?... i did nothing at all"

"Heh..." blurted out Jonathon.

Well, that was easy, Jonathon had to admit, he was terrible with starting fires in the first place and he was happy that he didn't have to start up the fire.

And then there was awkward silence as both people began to just sit down, do some minute chores and warm themselves there in silence, Jonathon flicked his fingers, and then decided to break the silence between them two.

"Right... you must not know much about where i come from right...well how bout i sing a song in Langue'doc... its called Ja Nus Hons Pri... that means No man who is Imprisoned.

Lalnyssa was interested, she hoped it didn't involve lewd features.

"What is the song about?"

"The song is about King Richard the First, Cour de Lion, and his imprisonment"

Jonathon reached for his four course stringed lute and retrieved it from his rucksack, bringing the butt of the instrument to rest against his upper chest whilst he adjusted his leg to help stand the instrument... when he was sure that the lute wouldn't give way whilst playing, he began to strum slowly before raising his voice to sing.

"Ja nus hons pris ne dira sa raison"

Lalnyssa had no idea what he was saying, but the depth and the tone of Jonathon's voice was one of both mourn and lament... it was so different from Jonathon's usual attitude and tone.

"Adroitement, se dolantement non;"

"Mais par effort puet il faire chançon"

"Mout ai amis, mais povre sont li don;"

"Honte i avront se por ma reançon"

Lalnyssa was captivated.

Jonathon continued to sing for a further three minutes, before stopping.

Lalnyssa didnt know what to say... he was quite an accomplished singer although his playing skills needed refinement, but what truly moved her was the tone of his voice and the way the strange language fell from his lips and into her ears.

There was a silence that stayed over the duo, until Jonathon placed his Lute into his rucksack, he then stood up and spoke to Lalnyssa.

"Lalnyssa, i will be going to sleep now."

Lalnyssa nodded her head in understanding.

Jonathon walked over where his woolen blanket was before he undid his quilted Gambeson, it took about one minute to fully remove, but when it did he threw it in the general direction of his Rucksack.

Jonathon then took off his Linen shirt, revealing his skin to the outside air, Jonathon then threw that towards the Rucksack like the Gambeson before it.

Lalnyssa saw a branded sign on Jonathon's right arm.

"What is that Brand"

Jonathon was already in the process of removing his steel kneecap's from his woolen chausses when he spoke up.

"Most orphans took to begging to make ends meet, but i took to purse cutting, but one day i was caught by the person i was trying to rob... he was the son of some noble, and when he caught me he forced me into an alleyway and was about to rape me, but my screams where heard by nearby guardsmen and i was saved before the man could try anything... we were both brought to the Courthouse where the man was found guilty of attempted rape, he was sentenced to be castrated, hung till he was half dead and then to be quartered whereas i was found guilty of Thievery and was branded on my right arm with the letter T for thievery... if i was ever caught committing thievery again, i would lose my right hand... so i quit purse-cutting, i was 10 at the time"

Lalnyssa decided to stay quiet, she now had some understanding on why he was so crude and rough.

Jonathon had removed his woolen chauses and his buckled ankle boot's by the time he had finished speaking, the only remaining clothing on his body were his leather belt and his knee-length braies, he was naked everywhere else.

Jonathon lowered himself down near the Frostsaber and began to wrap himself with the available blanket that was left.

Lalnyssa saw as he cradled himself near Celeste, and then began patting her before he fell asleep a few moments later...

It was an adorable sight, she had to admit... and her view on the brute had changed slightly, she now knew where he was coming from so to speak.

Lalnyssa climbed up to the treetop of a nearby tree before stretching herself out and falling asleep against several branches that were strong enough to support her weight.


So what did you think?

Please Reply, i want to know how you thought it was, this is one of my first tries at a humourous style of writing and i want to know if it is humourous... Humour is hard work.