AN: This chapter will be told in a series of flashbacks. It was either this or just having a chapter in which Regina just talks all the way through about what happened. Trigger warning for homophobic slurs. Also this is honest to god 7k of backstory. I'm sorry, but I needed them.
"So, I am going to have to start this story at the beginning," Regina said nervously. She had never told this story to anyone. The only people who knew were the ones who were part of it and even they only knew the parts in which they were featured. Telling Emma this would open her up to a new kind of honesty that she had never had with anyone, but she knew that if she were to take this chance – try to be with Emma in the way she so desperately wanted – she needed to tell this story. And for some reason, she felt safe with Emma. She had always felt safe with Emma; it was like she could see her in a way no one had ever done before.
"I assume you already know that Fiona and I grew up together…"
"Yeah, Mary Margaret told me you used to be inseparable. Fiona told me about the Golden Five, but no one has told me what happened."
"No one knows. Well, no one other than Fiona and me," Regina said. "And this story won't paint me in a good light. I hope that after you hear it, you still want to be with me."
"Regina, nothing you've done could change my mind about this."
"I hope that's true…" Regina took a breath before continuing, "So this whole thing started the summer before sophomore year…"
Fiona and Regina were on their way back from the beach. It had been one of the hottest summers in Storybrooke history and the two of them had spent practically all summer at the beach. But today had been different, Regina could tell that Fiona had been trying to tell her something all day but had been unable to do so.
Over the past couple of weeks Regina had been noticing a change in her best friend, and she was almost certain that Fiona was dating someone. What Regina couldn't understand however was why Fiona hadn't told her. They told each other pretty much everything. So, as they put their bags down on the floor in the Moreno foyer, Regina couldn't help herself. "Are you seeing someone? Is that why you've been so weird today?"
"Subtlety is not your strong suit is it, Gina?" Fiona said, and Regina almost flinched at the nickname. Fiona only used it when they were fighting or when she was trying to start something.
"You know I hate that nickname, and you only use it when you want to distract me," Regina said. "But it's not going to work Moreno. I'm your best friend and whatever you're trying to keep from me, just stop!"
Regina wasn't sure how this turned into an argument. She could see that Fiona had been dying to tell her whatever it was she had on her mind, and now instead of talking excitedly about whatever it was that Fiona was keeping from her they were arguing; something that also had become more and more frequent in their interactions. Regina could tell that Fiona was pulling away from her, and it terrified her. Fiona was the only one left. Graham was mostly hanging out with David and Kathryn, Michael had pretty much disappeared and Karl, or Killian Regina supposed, had gone a completely different way. She was terrified of losing Fiona as well.
"I'm sorry," Fiona and Regina said at the same time. "I'm sorry things are becoming complicated between us," Fiona added
"They don't have to be," Regina added. "I just want to know what's going on with you."
"Look, this is hard for me, Regina," Fiona said. "Can we like, go up to my room or something?"
Regina nodded and followed Fiona up to her room. Regina had also noticed a change in Fiona's room, the posters of Orlando Bloom and Taylor Lautner had been taken down, the décor had become more simplistic and the flower curtains had been exchanged for simple dark red ones. It was like her room had grown up as drastically as the girl herself.
"So, what's the big deal?" Regina asked as the two girls settled on the bed.
"So, you were right. I have been seeing someone," Fiona finally admitted.
"Okay, but unless it's Robert McGregor, I don't see why that is making you so nervous," Regina said, Robert McGregor being the asshole that had dumped Regina two days before summer vacation because he didn't want to start high school with a girlfriend. It wasn't like Regina actually really liked Robert all that much, but it was just the rejection that had hurt. Regina Mills was not a girl that was especially used to rejection. "It isn't Robert, is it?"
"No. It's definitely not Robert," Fiona said, and Regina could feel the nervousness radiating from her best friend. "Fuck, why is this so hard?"
"Just tell me," Regina said, and she was starting to get an inkling of what Fiona was trying to tell her.
"I'm-seeing-Katie-McAdams," Fiona said, the words coming out in one jumble, no spaces or breaths. Just the statement. "I think I'm gay."
"You freaked out, didn't you?" Emma broke into the story and Regina was almost glad for the interruption. Going back to that moment had been harder than she imagined. It seemed so long ago, and so much had changed since that day. There was still so much more to tell.
"To be honest, I didn't even care. But my mother, my mother was a whole different matter. My mother is of a particular mindset that people have a certain standard to uphold to. When Fiona came out, she no longer fulfilled those standards in my mother's opinion and banned me from seeing her," Regina said, and remembered the fight she had had with Cora after her mother had found out. Cora had been livid. Regina had never seen her that angry, and she knew that the only choice she had in the matter was to listen to her mother.
"She banned you from seeing her?" Emma asked, and Regina could tell that Emma didn't understand the kind of influence Cora had on Regina, or what the consequences for disobeying her would be. Consequences Regina had no intent to reveal to Emma; not tonight, not ever. Regina knew her mother loved her, she just showed it differently.
"I didn't want to stop. Fiona was my best friend. She'd always been my best friend." Regina smiled sadly. "But I knew there was no reasoning with my mother, so I did. I shut her out, started to ignore her. The only problem was that Fiona knew that there was something wrong, so one day she tracked me down..."
It had been over two weeks since Regina had last talked to Fiona and the separation was killing her. She missed her best friend every day, but she also knew it was for the best. Going up against her mother was not something she was willing to do, not even for Fiona. Regina didn't know how but she knew that if she continued to hang out with Fiona, her mother would somehow find out.
She'd spent the past two weeks immersing herself in her school work. Sophomore year had been harder than freshman year. Her mother was pressuring her into thinking about her future, and to think about going to law school. She didn't have time for Fiona anyway. At least that was what she tried to tell herself.
Regina was so far lost in her thoughts that she didn't see Fiona before it was too late. The other girl had already seen her and Regina knew she was going to confront her for ignoring her.
"What's your deal, Regina?" Fiona asked, as she marched up to the other girl. "I've been calling and texting for two weeks and not a word. If it wasn't for Graham I would've thought you'd died."
"I've just been busy," Regina said, and it wasn't as if it was a lie. She had been busy. Busy avoiding Fiona.
"You've always been busy, Regina," Fiona answered. "But you used to make time for me."
Regina could feel the stabbing in her heart at the betrayed look on Fiona's face. Maybe it would have been easier if she had done this when Fiona told her, but no. Regina really had no problem with Fiona being gay, and had told her so. She even hung out with her Katie on some occasions. So she was a little conflicted inside. Fiona's coming out had started some ideas in her head she just wasn't willing to deal with. Some feelings that she certainly couldn't have, so she ignored them. It turned out she was pretty good at ignoring things she was unwilling to deal with.
"It's different now," Regina tried to find out a plausible lie. "You have Katie."
"Is this what this is about? Are you jealous of Katie?"
"No." Regina almost wished it was because of that. In some ways that would make it easier, simpler, if this had been her choice; if staying away from Fiona had been something she wanted to do, instead of something she needed to do. But the truth was Regina was happy that Fiona had Katie, that she had found someone to be brave with.
"Then why have you been avoiding me ever since school started back up?" Regina could hear the desperation in Fiona's voice, and for a second she almost changed her mind; for a second the idea of going against her mother's wishes didn't seem like such a terrible thing if doing so would make Fiona happy.
"Look, I'm..." Regina started, and then a memory of last Christmas flashed in her mind, of an angry Cora and a pain that lasted for days and she remembered what she had to do. Cut Fiona out of her life. There was no other solution to this.
"Look, I just don't want to be friends with a dyke." Regina regretted the words as soon as they came out of her mouth, but she couldn't apologize for them because Fiona would forgive her, and the last thing Regina wanted was for Fiona to forgive her. The words hadn't been planned, but the look on Fiona's face told Regina that had the required effect.
"Well, I guess that's it then," Fiona said through gritted teeth. "I'll see you around, Mills." And just like that the most important relationship in Regina Mills' life was over.
The guilt on Regina's face transferred over to the present day and she was terrified of looking up, terrified of what she had called Fiona, terrified that was the end of her budding relationship with Emma. So much of her life could be traced back to that moment. Everything changed that day. She didn't just end her relationship with her best friend, the Regina Mills that had existed up until that day was gone. She was buried in harsh words and painful memories. And no one saw her until Emma Swan-Blanchard walked into Regina's life and turned everything upside down. She had known it the moment she laid eyes on her. Emma Swan-Blanchard was different, so unlike anyone that Regina had ever met.
"You were scared," Emma stated more than asked, and tore Regina out of her trace. "You were scared of how you were feeling."
"Yes," Regina said. "I think so. I didn't know it at the time. I was worried about defying my mother, and didn't think about it anymore. I was jealous of Katie, but not because I was in love with Fiona. I was jealous of both them."
"Because they were brave?" Emma asked, and Regina was again surprised over how much the younger girl knew her.
"They knew what they wanted, and they grabbed it," Regina admitted. "I always wished I was strong enough to do that."
"So that's the story that has been such a mystery to everyone?" Emma asked. "I have to say I was expecting something more."
Regina smiled. "I'm afraid, Ms. Swan-Blanchard, this is only the beginning."
Gus came back with their orders. "Sorry for the wait girls, I accidentally burned the first batch of pancakes."
"Sure, Gus," Emma said with a wink.
"Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No, I think we're good Gus," Emma said and gave Regina a look that pretty much said that she was okay with whatever Regina had done in the past. That she was okay with what Regina had called Fiona.
"How can you just be okay with this?" Regina asked as soon as Gus left.
"Look, I've been called a lot of things and I have called other kids a lot of cruel stuff as a means of survival," Emma admitted. "My childhood, my life before coming here was no fairytale. It was ugly."
"I'm sorry," Regina said, not knowing what else to say.
"It wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. Well, other than my parents who abandoned me on the side of a road," Emma said, and Regina could tell that Emma still held a lot of anger towards her birth parents for leaving her behind. "But the thing is, it taught me that life is cruel. And it can be ugly. And the things you say when you see no other way out aren't who you are. You're not homophobic, Regina. Not anymore. I can't say to what you felt back then, but you never made me feel ashamed of who I am."
"I hated the world," Regina confessed. "And myself. But never Fiona."
"I know," Emma said. "I think I could tell that whatever it was that was between you, all the fire and anger, there was feeling there. And the line between love and hate is very thin. But I could always tell there was so much more to the story than either one of you were willing to share with me."
"And I'm afraid the story isn't over yet," Regina said. She had made a decision to tell Emma everything. All of it. It was all or nothing. She knew that. If that summer had taught her anything it was that she needed to open up to someone. And Emma seemed like that person, that impossible blonde girl who somehow wormed her way into Regina's life with smiles and Disney movies. Who somehow knows her better than the people who had known her her whole life.
"This is going to take all night isn't it?" Emma joked. "I better text Ruby."
Regina watched as Emma sent of a quick text to her best friend and awaited an answer.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just need some place to crash," Emma said. "No problem." Emma's phone buzzed, and Emma smiled.
"It pays off being best friends with someone whose family owns a B&B" Emma said, and waved Gus over.
"Thought you didn't need anything else?" Gus said as he approached the girls, having barely left in the first place
"Snappy." Emma joked back, "Ruby just texted me and said that 17 is being painted tomorrow and I could stay there tonight." Emma showed Gus the text. "Could I get the key?"
"Just one?" Gus asked, "You gonna be staying alone."
"Yes, Gus," Emma said. "I'm not using Granny's place as somewhere to hook up with all the pretty ladies."
"I know," Gus said. "You're a good girl."
Emma stuck out her tongue as Gus walked away. "He can be such an ass sometimes," Emma said. "But he's a good guy when it comes down to it."
"You stay here a lot?" Regina asked.
"No..." Emma started, "I mean yes. I usually stay with Ruby in the apartment, but sometimes Granny will lend me a room if I just need some place to be alone for a while or Mary Margaret is throwing a party I don't feel like going to. But the point is, I'm set to hear the rest of your story. Whatever it may be."
"So, about a year after the incident had passed we got a new stable hand. Her name was Dani."
"She the girl?" Emma asked
"The girl?" Regina asked, confused. "What girl?"
"The girl who made you realize you weren't straight?" Emma said.
"I guess she was. I mean, I think I started to suspect with Fiona. But I just put the idea so far back in my head that it died. But then Dani was there and I was lost..."
It was the summer between sophomore and junior year. School had ended two weeks prior and sophomore year had been nothing like Regina had imagined. She was alone most of the time, working hard on everything and missing Fiona. She had been alone. Last year she and Fiona had been new fish in the sea, small but there. This year it was different; Regina had become invisible, despite trying her best not to be – running for student council, joining all the clubs, keeping busy – but she wasn't noticeable. Not yet. But Fiona, Fiona was a different case all together. Fiona was climbing the social latter as Regina had expected her to, always with Katie by her side. They were inseparable and Regina was happy about that.
But now it was summer. The first summer that wasn't going to be spent at the beach with Fiona, gossiping and drinking smoothies. She had tried to reconnect with Graham and Killian, and she and Graham were friends, tentatively. They were finding their way back, finding out how they fit. But he was Graham, he was a guy and he wasn't interested in hanging at the beach. He was playing soccer with the guys and that one girl that Regina knew she shared a couple of classes with but whose name escaped her. Regina had seen her play, she was better than most of the boys.
Regina had planned on volunteering, building houses for habitat for humanity, but her mother had nixed the idea. No Mills would be caught dead building houses like some sort of peasant. Her mother had actually used the word peasant as if they were 19th century royalty. So now she was stuck without plans for the summer. Instead of building houses or hanging out at the beach, she was spending most of her time in the stables. She liked helping out when she knew her mother wouldn't come around. Regina, much to her surprise, liked the hard work of the stables. She liked feeling like she was contributing. It was why she had wanted to build houses in the first place. She wanted to help people.
But one day, there was a new girl there. She introduced herself as Dani, and she was a bona fide cowboy, the plaid and the hat and everything. She was also probably one of the most beautiful human beings Regina had ever laid eyes on. And she happened to be their new stable girl. The horses loved her, even Rocinante who hated everyone but Regina on pure principle it seemed at times.
As the summer went on, the two girls grew a friendship, something completely new to Regina. It was so different than what she had with Fiona, more intense and charged, like there was some current running through it, a spark waiting to be ignited.
And one night, in late July, the spark turned into fire. It was hot, one of the hottest days of the year and Regina had taken Rocinante out to the lake to cool down. But when she got there she was not alone.
"Dani?" Regina asked, as she saw the other woman. "I thought you had today off. Weren't you going to the city?"
"Plans changed," Dani said, and smirked. "Figured I take a dip instead. The heat is killing me."
Dani stripped out of her clothes, leaving her only in her bikini, and Regina couldn't take her eyes of her. She was beautiful; Regina knew that, she had known that from the moment she met her. But this was something else. Dani in that bikini was like a work of art.
"Like what you see?" Dani winked, and Regina was mortified. She knew she had been staring, but her brain hadn't caught up with what that meant. Not really. She'd had this tugging feeling all summer, that there was something right in front of her, something big, something just out of reach.
"Uhm, I mean..." Regina stuttered.
"Relax," Dani said. "Come on. Join me."
Dani jumped in the water, and Regina stripped down to her suit. Her mind was scrambled, and she wasn't sure what was going on. But still, a part of her realized that this was going to be one of those moments, one that changed her life. In what ways remained to be seen, but she could feel it in the air. Regina jumped in and swam over to where Dani was.
"What are you so scared of?" Dani asked her after a couple of moments of awkward silence, the air was heavy between them, and Regina was replaying every single interaction she had had with the other girl over the past weeks. Every word. Every touch. All the pieces just falling in to place.
"I don't know," Regina said, honestly. "Everything."
"There's nothing to be afraid of, Regina," Dani said, and for a moment Regina believed her. That this, whatever it was, was nothing to worry about. They were just two girls, swimming in the lake, like she and Fiona had done before they'd gotten too old and preferred the beach instead of the lake on the Mills property.
Regina could feel Dani closing in. "What are you doing?"
"Relax, Regina. If you want me to stop just say the word, I'll get out and walk away and we never need to talk about it. But if you want me to kiss you, I will. All you have to do is say the word."
The seconds before the kiss felt like forever for Regina, like it was a lifetime of waiting. A part of her wanted to say stop, to walk away and ignore the feelings that had been growing inside her all summer. But a bigger part desperately wanted Dani to kiss her; to see how it felt to kiss a girl, to know if these feelings were just because she was missing Fiona, because she was projecting those feelings onto something else. She wanted to know. But more than that, she needed to know.
As their lips touched Regina felt like the entire world suddenly became brighter, like she had been living her life in black and white and she could suddenly see colors. It made sense for the first time in her life.
"Wow," Regina breathed as the two of them broke apart. "That was..."
"Was that your first?" Dani asked. "With a girl?"
"Yeah," Regina said, still a little lost in the euphoria of the kiss. She had kissed plenty of guys before. She was Regina Mills, she was smart and she was objectively good looking. But that kiss it was something else. It was like she finally understood the deal with kissing, and it wasn't just because it was a girl. It was because it was with Dani. When Dani kissed her, Regina had realized something she had tried too hard to deny; she was falling in love with her. Regina Mills was falling in love with a girl.
"So what happened?" Emma asked.
"I don't know." Regina answered honestly, "the rest of the summer passed in a blur. We met in the stables after dark, or I would take Rocinante up to this hill at the end of our property and I would meet her there, and we would just spend hours together. Kissing, talking, falling in love."
"And then what?"
"Nothing. One day there was just nothing," Regina said. "I asked mother about it, and she said that Dani was no longer needed. The only time I ever heard from her was a note I found in the stables telling me that what had happened was a mistake and she should never have taken advantage of me like that."
Just the memory was enough to make Regina tear up. "I always suspected my mother found out and did something. Paid her off. Something. But she never said anything to me."
"Your mother would do that?"
"I have learned that there is little in this world my mother will not do to get her way," Regina said. "My mother has fought hard to get to the position she is today and she will do everything in her power to keep it."
"So that's it then? The entire journey of Regina Mills, you fell in love with a girl that disappeared and that was that?" Emma asked. "You went back to boys like nothing happened?"
"No. It's more complicated than that," Regina said. "To begin with, I was terrified my mother had found out. After the way she reacted when Fiona came out I was sure that I was on the first flight to conversation therapy somewhere far away and that there was a possibility I would never see Storybrooke again. But nothing happened. Mother went on like she always had, and I was still here. Then I found the note. I was heartbroken. Nothing had ever felt like that before. It was like Dani just spit on everything we had. I loved her, and I believed that she loved me. It was intense and it was beautiful and Dani turned it all into a lie."
"So what did you do?"
"The only logical thing. I went to a party and got black out drunk..."
Regina was still in a haze when she walked to the Moreno house. Dani was gone and she felt like the summer had been a huge mistake. She didn't know much, but she knew she needed to get drunk. The fact that it was Fiona who was hosting the party barely registered with her, the only thing that mattered was that she knew where it was.
The party was already in full swing when Regina got there. Regina would never stop being impressed by the way teenagers could get drunk when the opportunity arose. An opportunity Regina Mills had every intention of taking advantage of. She looked around the room to see if there was anyone there she recognized. She could see Killian in the corner, which surprised her; she didn't really think this was his scene anymore. When she saw that he was flirting with Aurora Sharpe, it made more sense. Regina only shook her head. Aurora was so out of his league that he should just give up. She had thought that Graham would be there but so far she couldn't see him. She could see a couple of guys he played soccer with, as well as the girl whose name she still couldn't remember. She looked quite different dressed up, like she could have been born into the same life as Regina.
Regina made a beeline for the kitchen. It still felt weird being in the house. She hadn't been in the Moreno house in almost exactly a year. Since that day Fiona told her about Katie. The house felt different, and Regina realized why. It didn't feel like home anymore. The Moreno house had always felt more like home than her own home had ever had. It didn't anymore. And that hit Regina hard. She really needed to find a drink. Thankfully, someone had left a bottle of vodka on the counter in the kitchen. There was a reason people swanned to the parties that Fiona, Graham and Killian held. The "Mansion" Parties, as people had dubbed them, always had tons of free alcohol flowing. Regina guessed that it would have been the same if she ever had a party. Not that that was a likely happenstance. Regina liked her life just fine, and she would prefer to be alive for a while longer.
She took the entire bottle, and she had no intentions of sharing it with anyone. It's not like it was a full bottle. She took a drink and the alcohol burned down her throat. She took another, and another. Three chugs of vodka straight down. She was already feeling better. She needed to be numb dammit.
The next hour went by in a blur. There was music and there was dancing. There was also more vodka. Each shot made her feel better. "Screw Dani," she muttered to herself. "I didn't even like her." As the evening progressed, she was starting to believe it. Well, almost.
Regina heard someone say her name, and turned around to face Fiona. "Fiona..."
"What are you doing here?" Fiona asked, her tone more civil than what Regina had expected of her.
"What does it look like?" Regina asked, and held up the now mostly empty vodka bottle. "getting wasted."
"Regina..." Fiona said, almost worried. "You never drink."
"I do tonight," Regina said, defensive. Where did Fiona think she was coming from, being all worried about her? Regina could handle her own. She didn't need Fiona anymore. Not even a little bit. And she certainly didn't miss her.
"Come on," Fiona said, and dragged Regina over to the couch. Regina could tell that Fiona wasn't sober either, which probably explained why she was talking to her in the first place. Alcohol does wonders for former best friends.
"So where is your better half tonight?" Regina asked. She was unable to see Katie anywhere.
"We broke up."
"Really?" Regina asked, actually worried. She had built this idea of Katie and Fiona in her head, as this untouchable entity almost. And that as long as they stayed together, Regina didn't have to worry about Fiona. She was safe. She was happy.
"Yeah. We've been fighting for a while. Things haven't felt right."
"So you're as messed up as I am right now?" Regina asked, and looked at her friend for the first time in a year. Really looked at her. She looked older, the way she dressed, the way her hair was styled, even the way she talked. She seemed like a person Regina didn't even know anymore. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she never really had.
Regina couldn't tell what happened next, she didn't remember. It didn't really matter, she just knew that somehow the two of them had made their way up to Fiona's room and were now making out heavily against the door. Fiona moved down and kissed Regina's neck, and Regina felt a shiver go down her body. She heard Fiona moan, and she had never felt this flushed in her entire life. She wanted more. She needed more.
Regina knew that no matter what happened next; she could blame it on the alcohol, she could blame it on whatever she wanted. But the truth was that, in that moment, she knew exactly what she was doing. They moved across the room, their mouths never leaving each other. Hands everywhere. Regina pushed Fiona down on the bed, and kissed her intensely. "Please."
"Regina..." Fiona moaned as pulled Regina down on top of her. Regina felt a shiver go through her body. Everything was heightened, like when she kissed Dani for the first time, just even more. The way Fiona felt against her body was everything in that moment.
"I want this," Regina said. "I need this." And maybe she did. She felt like she did, that she needed to disappear into someone else. To not think anymore. Not about Dani, not about her mother. Not anything. Certainly not about what all of this meant. Regina pulled her dress off over the top of her head, and thanked the gods she was wearing matching underwear. She didn't know why it mattered; it just felt like it did.
She just wanted to be in this moment. Right now. The way Fiona moved felt like magic, the way she somehow knew Regina's body. Regina barely registered when Fiona removed her own dress. She knew she should stop this. She knew Fiona was trying to forget Katie as much as she was trying to forget Dani. Maybe that's why she did it, because she knew that it wasn't about being in love or anything cheesy like that. It was about release. And Regina needed that. She needed something.
Fiona moved down her body, kissing her way down. She looked up in Regina's eyes, and Regina knew this was it. If she was going to back out, it was now. They'd made out, they were half-naked, it was fine. But if Fiona went further now, that was it. The point of no return. So when Fiona made a gesture that indicated 'Should I go on?' Regina only nodded. She wanted this. She wanted this so badly.
"I get the picture," Emma broke in.
"Sorry. I just..." Regina said, blushing. She had gotten so lost in the details, in wanting to tell Emma the truth, that she'd forgotten the simplest thing is sometimes the best; where she hadn't explained how Fiona had felt or what she was doing. A simple, "I somehow ended up in bed with Fiona," would probably have been the best for this situation.
"Whatever," Emma said, obviously slightly embarrassed. "So what happened?"
"The next morning I woke up next to Fiona..."
Regina stirred from slumber and she looked around, temporarily confused at her surroundings before she realized where she was. She looked to her left and saw Fiona sleeping next to her. Everything that had happened the night before came crashing down on her. She had slept with Fiona. She had lost her virginity to a girl. A girl who used to be her best friend. What had she done? What did it mean?
Regina tried to get out of bed without waking Fiona, but with no luck.
"Regina?" Fiona asked. She looked as torn up about what had happened last night as Regina felt. It had felt like something she needed at the time, but right now it felt like her world had fallen apart. Everything she believed was gone.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I think we need to," Fiona said. "Look. It doesn't have to mean anything. I don't expect you to confess your undying love for me. But we have to talk."
"No, we don't. I was drunk," Regina said. "It doesn't matter. Nothing happened."
"Regina." Fiona said again. "Something very obviously happened." She gestured to the bed.
"No. It didn't," Regina said, more forceful. "And if you tell anyone, I will destroy you."
"Regina, please. It doesn't have to be like this. You need to talk to someone."
"No," Regina repeated. "I will destroy you. You have no idea what I'm capable of."
Regina was reaching, she knew she was, but she needed last night to disappear into the darkness. No could ever know. It was just a fluke anyway.
"I'm not like you," Regina said. "I'm not a filthy..." the word was at the tip of her tongue. The word that had destroyed their friendship. That had changed everything. She had used it once. It would be easy enough to do it again, but she couldn't. Something stopped her.
"A filthy what, Regina?" Regina could tell that the calm and understanding Fiona that had been there just a second ago was gone. Little did she know that it would take years before she encountered that Fiona again. Little did she know that this moment was going to define the two of them for years. It would fuel fights and disdainful looks. It would lead to smack downs and memories thrown in her face. It would define her in ways she couldn't have imagined at the time.
"A whore," Regina said. "I'm not a filthy lesbian whore like you."
Regina drew a breath and looked at Emma. That was it. All of it. All of Regina's dirty laundry out in the open. The way she treated her best friend. How she fell in love. How she ruined it all. How her fear controlled her every step of the way.
"Then what?" Emma asked
"I left. I walked out," Regina answered. "She never said anything about it again. Until Graham's party. When the two of you hooked up. She threw it back in my face. I deserved it. But I wasn't ready to admit that then. I had painted Fiona as the villain of the piece, despite the fact that I knew it was me. Fiona didn't force me into anything. The only thing she ever was was honest, and I took advantage of that. I was wrong."
"Look, I'm not going to tell you that what you did was okay. I'm not going to say it was wrong either. Messed up certainly," Emma smiled. "The irony of all of this is that I hooked up with Fiona to forget you. I went to that party, I got drunk and I made out with Fiona because I wanted to get you out of my head. I didn't know that in doing so, I would suddenly be in the middle of a very gay soap opera." Regina laughed. "Or some sort of messed up origin story," Emma added. "But the truth is, I don't care what happened with you and Fiona. Because it doesn't matter. You're here now. With me."
"I am," Regina said, and squeezed Emma's hand. She hadn't let go of them through that whole thing.
"But I still don't get where Graham fits into all of this. I mean, you said you were still building a friendship. But you dated him, for months," Emma said. "You broke his heart."
"I know. It's complicated. All of this is complicated and messed up and I wouldn't blame you if you ran the other way."
"Hey," Emma said. "I'm all in. So tell me the rest."
"When I got home, my mother was there. Something that wasn't all that unusual back then. But it still shook me. I had just lost my virginity, to a girl." Regina paused. "I was ashamed, I admit that. I was terrified that mother would somehow know. Maybe she did. She made some snide comment about Fiona and how I promised to stay away from people like her. I freaked."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't want to be gay, Emma. I couldn't be. I convinced myself that the summer with Dani was a lie, that she had taken advantage of me, that I was vulnerable because of Fiona. And the sex? I was drunk, it didn't count. I was in such a deep state of denial that I could have stayed there for the rest of my life. Within two weeks of that party, I was dating Graham. And he was wonderful to me."
Regina paused, and took a breath. "Graham was amazing. I wanted so desperately to be able to love him. He was good to me. He loved me. I loved him. I just couldn't be in love with him. I knew that, but I still kept him hanging on. I never should have done it."
"So why did you?"
"Because he loved me," Regina said. "And I desperately wanted to be loved."
"So why did you break up?"
"That's not my story to tell, not completely anyway.," Regina said, and maybe that was the truth. Regina wasn't sure anymore. Graham had been her knight, but telling Emma what had happened that night would betray Graham more than she already had. "But it made me realize that he deserved so much more than what I could give him. He deserved someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved."
"So what changed?"
"What do you think?" Regina said, and smiled her first genuine smile in hours. "You."
"Me?"
"That night, at your sister's party?" Regina said. "You kissed me, and I freaked. Just like I had done after the thing with Fiona. But you wouldn't go away. You kept coming back, refusing to give up on me. No one had ever done that, and before I knew it you were there. You reached the one place in me that I had kept so shut off. So when Fiona told me that she'd forgiven me for all the shit I pulled, that it was time I face the truth, I decided to jump in. Decided to be that girl that jumped in with both feet first. The girl I had buried so long ago."
"I couldn't give you up." Emma said, and smiled.
"Why?" Regina asked, confused.
"You're 'The Girl'" Emma said and squeezed Regina's hand.
"What?" Regina said.
"The girl who made me realize I was gay. It was you. I saw you outside school and I knew. I just knew", Emma admitted and Regina felt her heart swell.
AN2: Superduperthanks to my beta, Jennifer, for making my mess into something more readable. And I'll see you all on the 29th. Thank you so much for your continued support.
