A/N: There's a picture of Naruto and the baby up on my Deviant Art account. Just go to the Fan Art folder.


Chapter 2

A second, maybe two or three, wherein both gazes were wide with surprise. For that suspended moment, Naruto catalogued the bright black eyes, the small, parted lips, and the lock of dark hair poking out of the hood. It grazed one faint eyebrow.

The baby laughed. There was no other word for it. He gave a shriek that split his face in joy. The basket positively rocked with the force of his writhing. Those hands reached for Naruto, strained for him.

Naruto stumbled back and burst into tears.

It was bad. He couldn't remember coming this undone since…ever. He'd never been hit this hard by how much life sucked. It was worse than remembering the rape, Sasuke, all of it, because this was everything coming down on his head all at once. And all of it, right then, was summed up in one thought: he'd stabbed his kid. That's how low he'd sunk. Not the rape. Not Sasuke. Not losing everything. That. He'd stabbed him. Tried to kill him. Everything he'd been feeling, all his fury, the thoughts on suicide, were all camouflage for that right there. He'd tried to kill his son.

Yet the first sight of him made the kid happy enough to shit himself.

Who am I? Who the hell am I?

He dropped to his knees, face in his hands, and blubbered. Hard enough to have him tasting blood at the back of his throat. Hard enough so that he was too weak to remain upright. He rocked forward. Tried to hold himself up on his hands. Heard the kid crying right along with him, and gagged. Nothing came up. Kept on crying. Couldn't stop. Now that he was finally letting it out and looking at the worst of the worst of himself he just…couldn't…stop. He had some screams of his own thrown in there. Angry words he bawled at the floor, that he didn't even understand. Then he was punching the floor over and over again, until his knuckles were mush and this pain began to override his rage.

-oOo-

When he finally positioned himself so that he was sitting and leaning against the table, he cradled his hand against his chest and put his head back. Beyond drained. Empty of every thought. Free of every emotion. His hand throbbed. He concentrated on this as he ran his other hand over the snot, tears, and spit on his face. Scrubbed it off on his pants.

The kid wasn't crying anymore, either. Naruto opened his eyes after a good hour. First thing he saw was one of the bear's hind paws. Operating on the first mental clarity he could remember having since hearing Granny tell him he was pregnant, he tried to piece together what was going on.

For whatever reason, Sasuke wasn't here. Guy wouldn't willingly leave the kid, so it stood to reason that if he left voluntarily it was because he'd had to. Some need had required him to be gone. Someplace he couldn't take the kid.

The storm. He supposed the kid couldn't go out in that. Nor had Sasuke notified him that he was leaving, so he must have made arrangements for the kid's care. Likely a clone. No clone now, though, so something had gotten to it. Gotten to it, but left the kid. Probably the bear. And if the kid was still alive that probably meant that he'd defended himself.

But the kid's been crying for a good two days. Which meant Sasuke had to have been gone at least that long. Where would he go for so long and leave only a clone to watch the kid? Why?

Two days.

This amount of time hit him like a sledgehammer. Had him springing to his feet to anxiously lean over the basket. He ignored the exuberant smile to say, "Fuck. Fuck, who fed you?" Not only that but now that he was paying attention, he saw and smelled that the kid was practically bathing in his own shit. He started to reach into the basket for him, recoiled, then picked up the basket instead. Nearly dropped it as his ruined hand screamed in pain. Held the basket under one arm. He stood staring around the kitchen, thinking, then ran with the basket up to Sasuke's room.


Once there, he stood looking between the kid and the bags. "Okay. Uh. You need to change. Should probably clean you up. Shit." Meant a rag, water, soap. Plus the kid would need to eat. Downstairs. He set the basket down and turned for the door.

An imperious howl had him swinging back, shoulders hunched. "What."

Tearful eyes. Whimpering. The hands reaching for him again.

He left anyway.

This time, since he was looking carefully, he saw the empty sack of powdered milk and the powder itself scattered all over the place. There was a single bottle intact amongst the broken remains of other bottles. He plucked this from the floor, harried by the kid's renewed screaming. Straightened up. Looked around. "Suppose I could wash him in the sink. Heat water." It was better than thinking about the fact that he found no other milk in the place. One thing at a time.

He did the best he could, what with his hand. Touching the kid put the hairs up on the back of his neck and had him stiff and awkward. Plus side: didn't drop the kid. He did, however, notice a raw and bleeding rash on his ass that had him frowning. He was as gentle as possible, but the kid seemed more interested in all the touching. Hummed and smiled whenever Naruto was forced to hold some body part. Kicked and squealed when he lifted him out of the sink, dried him, and tried to figure out the cloth diapers. Gave up. The rash worried him.

He put the kid down with a gust of relief. Stood back and ignored the pout. "Now food."

If Sasuke had made a clone, and the clone dispersed, Sasuke would have felt it. Yet he wasn't here. He assumed the crying started when the clone vanished. That meant Sasuke had known two days ago that the kid was on his own. So why wasn't he here?

"He can't get back," Naruto answered himself. "Something happened to him and he can't get back."

This thought struck him like ice on bare skin.

Shit just got real: fuck being pissed at his circumstances and wanting to kill himself…he was stuck in the middle of nowhere with a kid who was literally starving and nothing to feed him with. His partner was gone, possibly dead, and he had one good hand on him. "Holy…shit."

A shudder of panic hit him, but then he saw the kid. Gazing up at him with perfect trust. And I can't even touch him.

For a long, long time he and the kid stared at each other. He didn't know if it was something the kid did to him, or if he did it himself, but he found himself sinking into a partial trance. The way he did whenever he wanted to talk to Kyuubi or adopt Sage Mode. Whatever, he felt himself disconnect from his surroundings and reconnect someplace beneath his five senses.

His mind touched the kid's.

He tried to hold back the full weight of his feelings. Thought maybe so much ugliness was too much for the kid, but he couldn't. It was all there. The hate, the grief. All the rage.

I hurt you.

Naruto gasped. The thought was his, but it was also the kid's. He realized his eyes were closed. Opened them now and found the kid crying along with him. Without screaming this time. Just his black eyes swimming in tears. "No. I'm the one who hurt you. I did. I…" He didn't have the connection anymore, but he felt thoughts swell in his mind, pressed on him from the kid.

Darkness. Sensations. Somewhere just out of sight there was a burning, blistering source of food and energy. Connecting himself to it. Siphoning it. Aware of himself as a complex entity. Protecting himself from foreign energies trying to touch him. Welcoming the one familiar energy. Meeting the mind behind the body he lived in. Understanding that this body was in danger. More. That his presence was somehow the reason the body housing him was in danger. Accelerating his growth, his development, so as to spare the body housing him. Trying. Trying to do it quickly, taking all of the blistering food and power source to do so. Then meeting the familiar. His person. Learning the power source also had a mind. This mind was doing things. The familiar told him to stop. Didn't know how to stop. Tried. Felt for the mind of the power source. While the body housing him slept, he found it. It resisted, but he managed. Realizing, with this added awareness, that the body housing him was failing. He was causing it to fail. The body wouldn't last. Accelerating his growth again. Straining for completion. Then he was almost done. Almost ready. And then he was ready. But the body was dying…

Naruto stumbled back on a hiss. His arm was up, as if that could shield him from the realization that he'd just experienced the kid's perspective on being inside him. The kid had known. Known he was killing him. He looked at the kid.

One dimpled hand reached for him. A hitching breath shook two tears free so that they rolled down the kid's cheeks.

He went to him. Slowly reached into the basket. Lifted him out just as carefully despite the way his hand sang in pain. He held him up to eye level. There were a hundred things he wanted to say. How he wanted to apologize for trying to kill him, but an apology would never be able to touch that. How he forgave him for making him so sick…but he couldn't quite forgive it. How he knew it wasn't the kid's fault he'd died, except it was. How the kid fucking with Kyuubi had broken Sasuke and screwed up Hinata, but the kid hadn't meant it. Everything he wanted to say was somehow negated by his thoughts and feelings on the matter, so he couldn't say anything. Except…

"I will never, ever, hurt you again. Never again."

The kid sucked in a big shuddery breath. Touched his wet face. And Naruto understood that the kid was trying to say the same thing. That he was sorry. So sorry.

Something in him unclenched. A little. It was easier to breathe than it had been since finding out he was pregnant.

-oOo-

His hand was hurting. He switched to holding the kid in his other arm and just stood there awhile. Things weren't good. Not yet. Even if the kid forgave him, he was nowhere near to forgiving himself, but whatever. He couldn't wallow in it anymore. Not right now. There was other shit to deal with.

"Okay. So. The way I see it we got two problems, both major. You need food, and Sasuke needs help. Logic says feed you first, but you look okay for now. Alert. Strong enough to cry and move. Kyuubi's handling you, then. On the other hand, Sasuke could be dying. So it's you or him. Who do I help first?"

Kid just looked at him.

"You. One, I have no idea if it really is Kyuubi or if it's you who's keeping your shit together. On the off-chance it's you, I'm not going to wait until you pass out to feed you. You're already starving. Two, Sasuke's ninja. S-class. He might be on his way back as we speak. Or he could be dead." He tried not to think about that. The kid whimpered at the speculation, but he was speaking again. "Soon as you're fed I'll go look for him, but right now let's deal with you."

The one bottle he'd snagged from the kitchen lay near the basket. There was nothing to put in it. He took the kid with him downstairs to make sure, but a thorough search revealed no more milk in the place. "Must be where Sasuke went. I can see getting food for you being important enough for him to risk leaving you. Okay. We need help." It took some maneuvering but he bit the thumb on his good hand, squatted, and placed his hand on the floor. "Kuchiose no jutsu."

The smallish toad hailed him with a shout. He was just grinning back in greeting when a scream from the kid and a flash of lightning had him yelling instead.

He lowered his hand slowly. Checked the kid. Wide eyes, quivering lip, but otherwise unhurt. Looked for his toad. There was nothing but a small black circle, still smoking.

It dawned him, after several seconds of staring at this, that the kid had attacked his toad. He looked back at the kid. "Why the fuck."

Babbling, cooing gibberish. Kid looking at where the toad had been then back to him.

"Huh. Guess now I know for sure what happened to that bear. Good. That's good that you can protect yourself, but not all animals are bad. Look, you want to eat or not?"

A hum.

"Then you gotta let me handle by shit, man, fuck. Let's try this again."

The toad he Summoned this time was smaller. He didn't even get to greet it before the kid vaporized it with another lightning attack.

"What are you not understanding? The toads are your ticket to food."

Kid's eyes filled with tears.

"All right, all right. Dammit. I'll figure something out."

That turned out to be him putting the kid upstairs, ignoring the screams when he came back down without him, and Summoning the toad at last. "Have 'Kichi bring me back as many of these milk sacks as he can carry," he instructed. He held up the empty sack for the toad to see. "And get me a dozen of these here baby bottles. Tell him to hurry."

Toad disappeared. Kid continued to scream upstairs while he waited. Thirty minutes later, there was a boom outside. He put his hood up, shielded his face with an arm, and forced the door open. Wind and snow howled past him into the house, but he ran to where 'Kichi was spewing the sacks out of his mouth and began hauling them inside. He was wrecked by the time it was done. 'Kichi managed a bellowed greeting before he left, and he spent a good twenty minutes practically in the fire he subsequently lit before he felt he could move. His head was aching. When he recovered, he turned to the pile of sacks, got one, and went to the kitchen.


He went through a lot of trial and error before he mixed a batch that he felt tasted like milk. Kid bawled bloody murder the entire time. He warmed the milk on the stove, tested the temp, then filled three bottles. Once he'd screwed the nipples on he went upstairs. Kid was nearly purple. "I'm back."

Kid hiccuped himself to silence. He put a bottle to the kid's mouth, but the kid held it on his own. Drained it. Burped, hummed, and looked at the other two. Naruto gave him the second one. Kid drank it slower than the first, but he emptied this too. Pushed away the third. Rubbed his eyes with his fat little fists.

Naruto watched him fall asleep. Watched while he slept. After awhile, he picked up one of the cloth diapers and once again tried to recreate how he'd seen the thing pinned on him. He thought he managed it after some struggling. Dressed the kid in one of the fuzzy little things he found in a bag. Kid never woke. He found another basket, lined it with a length of fur, put the kid in, covered him, and placed the basket near the fireplace. But not too near. He straightened up and inspected his hand.

He'd been reckless, he decided as he turned his hand this way and that. Always. Never really gave a thought to injuries because he'd always healed from them. Even before he'd known about Kyuubi, he'd been aware of his injuries as being no big deal. He got hurt; he healed. Now he would have to be careful. No more Kyuubi, no more super-healing. Seeing the misshapen mass of his knuckles, he thought he'd be lucky if he ever got back the full use of his hand. It was a sobering thought.

"Anyways. Can't do anything about it now. Sasuke, man. Where is that fucker?"

He stared at the fire as he tried to think. Every time Sasuke'd brought things to the house he'd done so via clones. It stood to reason he'd used clones this time too to bring the milk. Then…what? The clones had gotten lost in the storm? Storm dispersed them? He looked toward the window. Shuttered and iced over. Sasuke would not have gone out in that unless he knew precisely where he was going. A specific location. And he would not have left the kid unless he'd known exactly how long he'd be gone. All signs pointed to Sasuke sending clones to get the milk, the clones dispersing on their way back, thus giving Sasuke a location of where the milk probably was, and Sasuke then heading out to those coordinates to get the milk.

"But he's not back. And I have no way of knowing just where he went."

God-fucking-damn! Wasn't like he could just sit around hoping Sasuke found his way back. Second he'd known his clone here was gone Sasuke would have come running. Dude was in trouble. He could feel it. "Wish Kiba was here. Kakashi. Someone who could track his ass." But he was on his own. With a kid. "Guess I can try clones. But if Sasuke's didn't stand up to that storm, mine won't either. Fucking fuck, what am I supposed to do?"

It was no use. He couldn't think about it now. He stretched out on the rug next to the basket and gave himself up to sleep.


Kid woke him with a questioning gurgle. He was jerking to a sitting position and reaching for the basket before his eyes were even open. "Huh. What. You good?"

A wet fart.

He cocked an ear. "Fucking storm's still kicking. Damn."

Once the horror of changing a diaper was concluded, and the kid had been wiped down, fed, dressed, and deposited back in his basket, Naruto took stock.

He went through the kid's things carefully. There were quite a few of those footless fuzzy jobs, but the thing that interested him the most was some kind of sling. He set that aside. Next he went through Sasuke's things. Set a few items aside. Emptied one of the sacks and put the kid's things and Sasuke's into it, making sure to leave room. Paused in thought. Decided that if he found Sasuke alive, he'd be in no condition to wait around while his clothes were changed. Sasuke would need to be brought back to the house by the most expedient means available. He took Sasuke's clothes out again, picked the bag up, and started to leave the room. This time he turned around at the door and caught the kid just as he was opening his mouth to scream. "Gotta do something downstairs. Be right back."

No crying this time. He packed as much seal meat as the bag would hold, a pot, two bottles, and fashioned a strap for the sack of milk he'd opened yesterday. He left all this downstairs.

Kid greeted him with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. You and I are going to find your dad." He began dressing the kid in several layers. "Think my Sage Mode has a range of, meh, a few miles. All that running around I did while Kyuubi was loose gave me a good map of the terrain. All up here." He tapped his head. "So I figure if I section that map up, move through it section by section, I'll eventually sense Sasuke. If he's alive." He shoved and pulled until the kid's over-swaddled body fit into the sling. In his own room, he set the kid down and began dressing in multiple layers himself. "Plus side is he wouldn't have left you at all unless he was going someplace close enough for him to get back within a week or so. That much is just common sense. To hear him tell it, I don't have much sense at all, but we'll see who has the last word. All right." He wrapped a scarf several times around his head, jammed a fur hat down over all that, then went and put the sling on. He looked into the kid's face. "You good?"

A coo.

"Let's go."


Downstairs, he managed to get the milk sack slung across his body, and the bag onto his back. He was sweating and his hand was killing him by the time he finally made it out the door. He draped one of the heavy fur blankets over him and the kid both and ventured forth.

The wind was punishing. He wrapped both arms around the kid, holding the blanket, and closed his eyes. This would be his first time accessing his chakra since…since he'd stabbed the kid. His arms tightened.

Sage Mode came with so little difficulty that he was almost surprised into losing it again. For a few minutes he was taken with his own body. His heightened awareness of it. How good and fine and vital he felt. Strong. Healthy. And that made the thing in him unclench a little more.

Down to business. He pushed his senses as far and wide as they would go. He estimated close to fifteen miles. To be on the safe side he put that number at twelve. Nothing. No life at all, other than the kid. He opened his eyes and peeked down at him. "Don't sense him. On to the next quadrant. Good?"

A panting little smile.

-oOo-

He could remember telling Sasuke this place was hell on earth. What a joke. He could almost laugh, but it really wasn't funny. Hell was a vacation compared to where they were. For much of their trek he couldn't even walk upright. The wind was so bad he had to crawl. Sometimes he pushed himself, letting Sage Mode fuel leaps and bounds that carried him to the next quadrant and the next in a matter of minutes. He was cold but not frozen. Kid was a miniature furnace. Every few hours he built a shelter of ice blocks, lit a fire with wood he gathered for this purpose, melted some ice, and fixed the kid his bottles. Kid ate. He would change him, clean the diapers with snow, and dry them with his chakra. Then right back into hell he would go, to repeat the process all over again.

Regular days were back. Ten hours of sunlight really helped, but sleeping was hard. He didn't feel confident closing his eyes out in the elements, where anything could come and attack them. True, Sage Mode kept him aware, but better safe than sorry. A shelter only further muzzled his senses, and Sage Mode didn't allow for full rest. He made do. Rested as much as possible every twenty hours or so, then moved on. Always cold, always that wind, always that ice. No sign of Sasuke.

-oOo-

On the third day, he was done with their island and moved on to the mainland. He sensed a few whales beneath the ice. Some bears in the distance. Reindeer. Nothing else.

Kid watched him eat one night while he drank his bottle. "Been thinking," he said. "If I can't find Sasuke, or if he's…you know. Dead. You and me, we're going to have to ditch this place. I can't take it. Question is where do we go?" Right then, it hit him that he had another kid on the way. He almost choked. "Fuck. Forgot about her. Well, she'd be the next thing on the agenda. Finding her ass." He looked at the kid, who was dropping his empty bottle. "You knew, didn't you. Back when you were still in me. Knew she had that kid in her? What, you can feel it?" He handed him the other bottle. "No wonder you always kicked when she was near. Yeugh." He shuddered at the memory. "I'm not going to give up on him," he said after a minute. "Sasuke. I'm not stopping till I find his ass. Dead or alive." He owed him.

It was actually something he gave a lot of thought to during his search. All the ways they'd gone wrong. The unremitting weather, grueling treks, and constant care of the kid served to have that thing in him unclenching even more. Served to put a few things into perspective. It was with some surprise that he felt his mind and spirit slowly realigning themselves. He couldn't say that he wasn't still mad as fuck at Sasuke, but he didn't feel the way he had when last he'd seen him. Or when he'd told him they were over.

That made his heart pound, the fact that he and Sasuke were over. As long as he'd known the guy they'd had something going on. Friends, rivals, enemies, lovers. Point was, they'd always been soul mates. Always been meant for each other in some form or fashion. This break between them…how bad it'd gotten…that wasn't them. He didn't know what would happen when or if they came face to face. He only knew that it was possible for him to think about Sasuke being dead. It hurt, but not as much as it would have before the kid. And that, too, was wrong. Time was he would have lost his fucking mind at such a thought.

I don't want him to be dead.

For the first time since Sasuke brought those scrolls home, he saw hope on the horizon. It wasn't much. But it was something.


Late on their second day on the mainland he almost missed it. He was mid-leap on his way to another quadrant when the sense of Sasuke had him swerving. He fell, rolling in a snow bank. Kid sneezed repeatedly at having snow up his nose. For a minute it was touch and go. There was so much loose snow that he couldn't find leverage. Couldn't get his feet under him. Only when the kid was wheezing in high, gasping sounds of distress did he finally yell and kick himself back to an upright position. Kid was red faced and still gasping, but fine as far as he could see.

He squinted at the land around him until he could bring Sage Mode back. Scanned. There, up ahead. He started running.

All he saw was a wall of ice. He looked around. No bears sneaking up on him. He would sense one long before it became visible anyway. He hated to do it, but he unstrapped the kid and set him down. After a minute he made a clone and deposited the kid in his arms instead. "Anything gets past me, you don't try and fight," he instructed. "You take him and run. Keep running. Don't stop, not until I find you. If something gets past me." Clone nodded. Kid looked between him and the clone.

He turned back to the wall. Tilted his head at it. Touched the hard, slick feel of compact snow that comprised it. Tried to walk around it and discovered it to be a small mountain. Clone followed him. He could feel Sasuke in there, deep inside.

Sage Mode, Summoning, and drying the kid's clothes were one thing. Small shit. Nothing major. He hadn't expended any serious chakra since his recon stint in Konoha. Things were different now, so he wasn't likely to suffer…but things were different. Maybe too different. Kid was out of him, but so was Kyuubi. He didn't know exactly what he could and couldn't do. Was leery of finding out. Leery of discovering himself to be weaker. Far weaker. I might not even be ninja anymore.

The absurdity of that thought struck him just then. His nerves simmered down to something manageable. Maybe he wasn't what he was, but he was still standing. Whether he could or couldn't get it up anymore was sort of moot; Sasuke was in there. He had to get through that wall.

His chakra was already present and in play. Even so, he shied away from Ninjutsu. Sage Mode being what it was, he simply balled up his fist and threw it in front of him.

Half the wall blew apart.

He worked at it, using both fists in a rhythm that had him breathing harder than normal but not panting. Felt good. Wall was gone. He was several feet below ground level when the sense of Sasuke strengthened. Now he just dug. Carefully scooped at the snow, ignoring his numb hands until he touched fur. It was frozen stiff. His stomach did a lurch. Continued scooping and digging until he rolled a blue Sasuke out of the hole he'd been in and dragged him back to the clone. Kid squealed, but he had an ear to Sasuke's chest. Nothing. No breathing, no heartbeat. Sat back and stared. Looked at the clone, who frowned back. Looked back at Sasuke. Put his ear back to his chest. His face. His chest again.

"I don't get it. I feel life in him, but-"

Sasuke coughed. Sucked in a shallow breath.

"Fuck! Sasuke?" No answer. But now he could see him breathing. "Okay. All right. Whew."


This time when he Summoned Gamakichi the kid screamed, but otherwise kept his lightning to himself. He was crying hard, though. Bawled hard enough to vomit when the clone climbed with him into Gamakichi's mouth. He followed with Sasuke, waited, and then he and the clone were climbing out again just outside the village.

They made it to the house, where the kid finally shut up. Hiccuped while he told the clone to change him and feed him. Himself, he hunted around for some means to heat Sasuke up. A tub or something to fill with hot water. He had a fire blazing in the fireplace, Sasuke naked, but he was still blue. Nose, fingers, ears, and toes black. Naruto stood looking at him and chewed his lip.

He remembered disjointed conversations with Hinata about frostbite and its stages. What he was witnessing was the very worst stage. Permanent tissue damage or some such. Ice crystals in the skin, that if moved without splinting the extremities, could cause further damage. And if the person had hypothermia, that introduced a whole other set of problems, none of which he could remember now.

"You'd think I'd have paid closer attention, stuck in this frozen fuckfest the way we are. You," he said to the clone. "Bring him. No, gimme the bottle. Go." The clone vanished in a puff of smoke.

He stripped himself first. "Looks like old-fashioned skin on skin contact is our best bet. He's probably going to lose some digits, though." He was undressing the kid now. "That'll be something, huh? One dad hobbling around on ankle stumps and no hands, and the other with only one hand. " He held up his misshapen hand and studied it. "I can maybe get by with this. Will have to. But Sasuke…" If he lost hands or feet, or even just fingers and toes, there went his life as a ninja. "Whatever. Don't think there's anything I can do about it. Right now, let's just get him conscious, 'kay? Help him any way we can."

He put the kid on Sasuke's chest, and climbed into the furs with them. Sasuke's body was like ice, but he grit his teeth until his own body adjusted. He thought about Sasuke's ability to heat his hands. How he'd used that ability to keep them from freezing when they'd been on their way back to Granny. A lifetime ago. "I can't do all that, but I can stay here till he thaws out." He sighed. Looked at the kid, who had his cheek against Sasuke's chest and was looking at him. "Don't pee on him. Shitty way to wake up."

A grunt.

He shook his head. Looked at Sasuke's face. I told him we're done but here we are naked in bed.

After several minutes, he was able to relax. Kid put out so much heat that if it weren't for Sasuke's icy body against his he'd have been sweating. His eyes grew heavy. A yawn cracked his jaws, and suddenly he was too tired to do anything but give in. Last thing he saw was the kid. Looked like he was glowing. That was cause for concern, but he couldn't keep his eyes open to save his life.


Something woke him, but he didn't know what. Wasn't even aware of sleeping. For what felt like weeks he'd been keeping himself alive with chakra and the occasional mouthful of snow. He'd sunken into some kind of stupor wherein his heartbeat was the only thing he concentrated on. The only thing he was aware of. Sound was gone. Sight was gone. He couldn't feel his body, but he knew he was in a depression he'd made in the snow.

Memory surfaced: Taking longer than anticipated to reach the last location of his clones, only to find the spot devoid of the milk he'd expected to find. Belatedly realizing that the sacks had likely been blown to hell and gone. Wanting to tear his hair out at such a simple fact eluding him until the last minute. The storm ripping at him, pummeling him, sapping his strength. Combating with Ninjutsu as he tried to think of a plan to get more milk and quickly. Sitting. And then he'd been jerking back to wakefulness, realizing that he was succumbing to the elements. How impossible this thought was to accept. Using chakra to try and get back, only to feel his clone disperse. That last image of the bear, the way knowledge that his son was in danger had adrenaline coursing through him. Giving him strength. The storm worsening. Blowing him across the land. His screaming rage, Ninjutsu unleashed. Hawks he Summoned torn to shreds. Weakening. Food gone. Bag gone. Deciding to wait out the storm. Things gradually becoming quiet as his body shut down. Forcing himself to live. Eating snow, sucking on ice. Telling himself Naruto was in the house. Naruto was in the house. The baby wasn't truly alone because Naruto was in the house. And the baby had powers at his disposal. He wouldn't let himself die. He would be all right. Please God, let him be all right. Everything was numbness and darkness.

But now he was warm. Very warm. And the numbness was gone. In fact, everything hurt. He realized that he was awake, that he'd been sleeping, and that he was staring at a ceiling. When he turned his head he saw a shock of bright hair he would know anywhere. Memory of him awaking in the shack after a similar brush with death and seeing this same sight assailed him. He lifted a hand to shove at Naruto and met with something on his stomach. Soft. He looked down and gasped. Looked at Naruto. The baby. Back at Naruto. Both were sleeping. And his strength was already gone again. He eased his head back down and rested his hand on the baby.

Clearly a lot had gone on while he'd been away, but this was beyond his wildest imaginings. He was home. Naruto was beside him, and the baby was present. He could almost believe he was dreaming. Almost believe he'd woken from the nightmare at last to find his family—his family—put together.

But…

"Naruto. Naruto. NA-"

"Huuuuuuuuuuuh. Fuck. See I'm sleeping, don't you?" The rest was a grumble as he turned from his stomach to his side. Then, "Wait. Sasuke?"

"The fuck happened?" Naruto's back was to him but he was so still and quiet that Sasuke knew he was awake. A screech startled him into a sitting position. The baby was also awake and now greeting him. Sasuke brought him to his face and touched noses. Settled him in the crook of one arm. "Naruto?"

A sigh. But Naruto turned over and sat up as well. After a minute he looked at them.

"So." Naruto's eyes were guarded, his voice subdued. "You look better."

"What. Happened."

"Like, really better." He squinted at Sasuke's hands, his face. Jerked the blanket aside to see his feet. "Your stuff feeling okay?"

Sasuke looked down at his hands and feet. Flexed his toes, wiggled his fingers. The pain he'd woken up with was mostly gone. There was some tingling, but nowhere near the damage he could expect from the amount of exposure he'd suffered. No damage at all, he decided upon inspecting himself more closely. He frowned. "How long was I gone?"

"No idea, but it took me almost a week to find you."

"How long have we been back?"

"Dunno. Few hours?"

"What happened?"

"Kid was screaming one day. Just screaming and screaming. By the time I went downstairs I realized you weren't here. There was a bear. Dead. Kid blasted him, I think. If you left a clone, it wasn't there. Milk was gone, bottles all smashed. Realized you'd been gone awhile. Fed the kid-"

"How? With what?"

"Summoned a toad, told him to have Gamakichi bring me as many sacks of milk as he could carry and some bottles. That didn't occur to you? To use a Summons instead of going out into that?" He jerked a thumb at where the storm could still be heard outside the window.

A Summons. To bring the milk. Pure, simple genius. "No…it didn't."

"Well after, I figured the only reason you weren't back was because you couldn't get back. Took the kid and went searching. Found you." He shrugged. Looked away.

"Wait, what? That storm nearly killed me. How the hell did you survive? For days? With the baby?"

Naruto had to grit his teeth. He didn't like the automatic assumption that he was weaker now. "Sage Mode. Not saying it was easy, but I managed. Kept the kid bundled up and in that sling." He pointed. "Against my body."

"Against your—oh, so what. You accept him now? Talking to me again?" He snorted. "As far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed. You said we're over and that's it. We're done." He made it to his feet. Naruto didn't stop him. Shaking his head, Sasuke wrapped the furs around himself and left the room.

-oOo-

They'd been in his room, he saw. Which meant all his things and the baby's things were in there with Naruto. He went downstairs.

No sign of the bear's carcass, but the kitchen was a mess. Down in the basement he found so much milk that he couldn't even make it off the stairs. He stood staring at this.

Trust Naruto to go overboard. That was Naruto for you. He went big or not at all. Didn't just bring milk, but brought enough to feed the baby until the boy turned twenty. Didn't just get depressed but went totally and completely apeshit. Didn't just get over it, but took to the baby like he'd always accepted him, and rescued his ass into the bargain. Uzumaki Naruto. Number one unpredictable asshole.

Maneuvering the blanket so he and the baby were swaddled, he sat down.

I'm not ready for this.

That thought had him paralyzed. Fear, real fear, gnawed at his mind. He'd been months without Naruto now. The real Naruto, a healthy, capable ninja. Months. He was used to being alone, being without. Used to shouldering the entire burden, of having to be sufficient, to do without the calming, steadying influence that was Uzumaki Naruto. He wasn't ready for Naruto to be back, not now that he'd given himself to the knowledge that they were done. Not now that so much had…happened. Back before the baby, he'd been able to withstand Naruto's force, his brilliance, but now that he himself was so bruised…now that he was crippled and empty and resigned to his fate…no. He wasn't ready. Could never go back.

A noise had him twisting to look up the staircase. Naruto was in the kitchen. And he felt terrified.


Over the days that followed, that terror receded with the storm. He was left with a pervading sense of disquiet that reached a peak whenever Naruto was in his presence. He kept the baby with him. Naruto didn't ask to see or hold him, but he didn't shy away from looking at him if they all happened to be in the same room. Neither did he stare. He glanced, same as he glanced at both of them, then went on about his business. He ate, or cooked, or lit fires. Most of the time he cleaned. He single-handedly put the kitchen back in order. Chiseled away all the ice surrounding the house. Went out and brought back firewood galore.

By comparison, he himself did nothing but take care of the baby. He could tell Naruto was on the baby's mind. That he missed whatever they'd shared while he'd been gone, but he didn't cry about it. And Naruto never asked to spend time with him.

If it weren't for one of the toads showing up one day with bags of baby clothes and diapers in various sizes he would have guessed Naruto didn't think about the baby at all. When he saw a baby book thrown in with the clothes, Sasuke decided enough was enough.

But he didn't break their silence. He did, however, follow Naruto up to Hinata's old room. He hadn't been in it since before she'd left so he was surprised to see a crib and a wardrobe. Naruto was putting the clothes in the wardrobe.

Naruto turned and saw him. Looked at the baby. Back at him. "I'm ready to talk if you are. If not, we can just keep orbiting each other." He moved to walk past him.

"Oh. So now, after kicking me out of your life, you think you have a right to talk things through. Why is it okay now, but when I tried to do that it wasn't?"

Naruto dropped the basket he was carrying. It held toys that Sasuke only just noticed. "Because I wasn't ready before. Fuck, I was out of my mind. Hinata. That kid. It'd just been sprung on me and my head wasn't where it is now, okay? Shit happened. While you were gone, shit happened."

"Like what?"

"Like shit! Shit I can't talk about because it hurts too fucking much."

"Then what do you want to talk about?"

Naruto sighed. Walked back into the room. Turned. Stared at him. "You. Me. Us. This." He waved a hand to encompass everything.

Sasuke stared back.

"We need to talk. I want to talk. I feel like…I don't know. Like if we don't talk, we really might split up. And I can't take that."

Something surged up Sasuke's throat fast and hard, but he viciously choked it down. "Aren't we?" he croaked. "Split up? Isn't that what you said?"

Naruto didn't back down or flinch. His eyes didn't blink. "Yeah. I did. But we're still here. And I'm ready to talk. You?"

The situation wasn't getting better on its own. There was literally nothing else to do. And the thing still choking him wasn't fear. "Yes. Okay. But this isn't just going to be on your terms. I'm putting the baby to sleep in an hour." He glanced at the crib. "We'll talk then."

"Fine. Wanna eat first, or-?"

"No. We'll talk. Downstairs."

-oOo-

For that hour, Sasuke fed the baby, bathed him, and dressed him in one of the new things Naruto'd brought. Naruto, putting away toys and other things in the new nursery at the time, turned to watch this. Their eyes met, then skipped away. Naruto left the room.

Sasuke went to the crib. Ran a hand along the dark wood railing. It was sturdy. "Feels weird having your dad do stuff for you. Used to doing everything myself. But it's preferable to the way he was before. You miss him?"

Gurgling.

"Me too. So fucking much. And this, the way he is now? I didn't think I'd ever see it again. He's not the way he was, but it's much more than I thought I'd get." He set the baby down in the crib. Took a moment to experimentally press the mattress. Stroked the sheet fitted onto it. It was soft. There was an equally soft blanket, not fur, folded in the crib. He took this up and draped it over the baby before resting his chin on the railing. "He might still leave us, you know. Got no idea what he wants to say, but I'm not walking away from this talk without a few answers." He looked at the crib again, then turned and looked at everything else the nursery contained. A large, plastic tub shaped like a frog. Not only a wardrobe, but a dresser as well, the top of which was covered with baby lotions, creams, soaps, and items he guessed were for baby care. Perhaps the most incongruous thing was a large colorful rug on the floor, covered in letters and numbers.

The knowledge that Naruto accepted the baby did disastrous things to his resolve to remain aloof. Not only accepted, but apparently had plans to stay. The furniture, the clothes. Either he planned to stay or Naruto expected him to stay, and that brought the fear back all over again. The hope was too much to be borne. He didn't think he could take losing it all again. He was at his limit.

He cleared his throat. "Right. Well. Time to find out what's what." He left a clone and shut the door.


Naruto was sitting in one of the armchairs. Sasuke took the one across from him, rubbed his palms along his thighs, and forced himself to sit back.

Night and day were firmly established once more. The sun was out for twelve hours every day, but as it was currently night the room was lit by the fireplace and several candles. Whole place was warm and toasty, and he thought, This moment right here. If I could freeze it I would stay here forever. Before he says anything. Before he rips us apart more or gives me hope I'll never be able to believe in. The wait wasn't long.

"I haven't been fair to you," Naruto said. He was leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Staring at his hands. "And that's not actually how I want to begin, but whatever. I haven't been fair to you. And you're right, you do deserve to hear what happened while you were gone, but it's too close. Too close to…stuff. Me. Stuff in me that's raw and shit. So I'll get to it? But not right now. Cool?"

"Fine. How haven't you been fair?"

Here Naruto gave a short huff. Ran his good hand through his hair. "I can tell this is going to be all sorts of uncomfortable, but fuck it. I'm just going to say what needs to be said. Been through too much to hold back now, anyway." He looked at Sasuke and held his gaze. "I get it, okay? I was the one to snap first. Checked out of us first. Left you, got caught up in the pregnancy, got scared. I know that now. And I guess it's why you…you know. Started slipping yourself. We sort of hold each other in place. One of the things that happened while you were gone is that I did a lot of thinking. Was forced to. I think the first thing I realized while I was out looking for you was that we both broke. Without each other we're just broken. I don't know. I'm not great at talking or saying embarrassing shit like you are, but sometimes I think we're only whole when we're together."

Sasuke swallowed. Spent several moments blinking at his lap. " And now?"

"Now? We're still broken. And I don't think we can be whole together because it's not just us anymore. There's the kid. And Hinata. And that kid. And right now, Sasuke, right now I need to know why you let me do those things to you. No more bullshit. None of that stuff you said when you came back after dipping for two weeks. I believed it at the time but you weren't giving me everything. You're not fine. I'm not fine. And I need to know why. Why, in the name of God, would you let me run wild like that? I'm not saying that what happened was your fault, or mine, but you should have put me in check. You should have had my ass locked down. You didn't. Why?"

Having it all thrown in his face like that had him dropping his head into his hands. It was a few minutes before he could respond. He's right. This is going to be all sorts of uncomfortable. "The truth. Okay. The truth. The truth was that I had to protect her. I had to. I'm ninja. A ninja protects. At all costs. No matter the cost. He does what needs to be done. What kind of person would I have been if I didn't do everything to protect her? The truth is that you're mine. The good, the bad, all of it. All of you. You went Kyuubi, and that was my problem. Not hers. You weren't you, weren't even there, but it was still my man. The truth is…the truth is…Hinata. She's…something. I don't know what, but she's something. To me. And I couldn't let you hurt her."

This was it, Naruto thought. The crux of this thing keeping them apart. What he dreaded hearing, yet needed to know. "Do you love her? I know I asked that before, and you said no, but…do you?"

Sasuke's fingers tightened in his hair. A sound escaped him, one that defied description. "I don't know. No. I don't know what I feel. It's not what I feel for you. Not love. But it's not nothing. I love things about her. Things I can't explain. Can't even identify. But not her."

Naruto swallowed. It was painful, but no more painful than the knowledge that he'd raped her. It was bad on both fronts—knowing he'd violated her, and knowing Hinata now had a part of Sasuke that had previously been reserved only for him. God, how that hurt. Then he remembered the kid in her and that pain dwarfed everything. He sat clenching his jaw for several moments. "So now what?"

"Chuh. Now?" Sasuke picked his head up and passed a hand down the tears on his face. For a long time he just stared at the fire and felt as if his insides were burning just as hard. "You know, the idea of our mortality is something ninja are well-acquainted with. Death will come. Probably violently. Painfully. Hopefully protecting something important. We all know and accept this. But this? Coming up here to this corner of hell? For the first time I understand how truly weak I am. How weak we all are. Insignificant. Nothing. I came up here to protect you and the baby, and couldn't even protect myself. The elements defeated me. I was defeated by you. My own weakness, my pride and belief that letting you…" He closed his eyes. "A girl. A girl whom I have always considered to be the definition of weak defeated me every day with a word. A glance. The smell of her hair." He covered his face with a hand. "What now? No idea. News of the baby is out. Hinata's out there. Tsunade. I have no clue what comes next. None."

Naruto stared at Sasuke's bent head for a long time and knew hatred so pure it was sweet. The feeling mesmerized him. That it had nothing to do with Sasuke or the baby this time somehow made it more compelling. "Well. I asked for the truth and you gave it. Hinata is out there with her kid, and I was thinking awhile back how if I couldn't find you that I'd have to find her. Now I'm thinking she ain't my problem. She can stay gone for all I care. Besides. Me and that kid in her…" He clenched his jaw. "We're connected. Might not be tomorrow, or next month, or even anytime soon, but one day that mess will walk back into my life. I'll deal with it then. As far-"

"I hate her. Hate that she's in me. Hate that you're in her. You asked me if I love her, but I hate her. Hate the way I l– feel about her. How I can't fight it. Yes. Okay. I…love her. But I hate loving her. Loving her makes me hate her, and I don't want her."

"Yes you do." Naruto held his breath at the pain of that. "You do."

"I don't. I'm serious, I don't. I hate her, I hate that kid in her."

"You and I both. So does this mean that if she came back you'd kill her? Her and the kid?"

Sasuke lifted his head to give him a stare. A look so flat and cruel it was like looking into a mirror and seeing his feelings on Sasuke's face.

Naruto looked away on a shudder. "Okay. Whatever. If she knows what's good for her she'll stay away. As far as what comes next, I don't know either. Thought I was the only one feeling lost. Like I was nothing."

"Well, you're not. It's like you said. We're broken."

Naruto nodded. "Thought about killing myself. Really just doing it. Didn't see anything to live for since everything I knew was gone."

"Didn't?"

"I still might." He picked at a loose thread on the arm of the chair. "Look. If you're weak, then so am I. I'm the same nothing. Except we're not. We're parents. Right? We got the kid. Which means protecting him. Keeping him safe. So, I've been thinking about that. And about something you said to me right after we got here, while I was freaking out. How this could be our land? Not too long ago I was eager to see the last of this place, but now I'm not so sure. I think you're right. We can't go back. No idea what we'd be running into if we did. Also? I don't want to go back. I'm not that guy anymore, with hopes and dreams of serving Konoha. Don't think I ever will be again. So this, right here, is it for me. We know the terrain. It's defensible. You yourself said you have no intention on going back. Still feel that way?"

"Definitely. But so, what. We put down roots?" He thought of the crib.

Naruto nodded. "I mean, we're here already, right?"

"People know we're here, though."

"And we'll see them coming. Our job right now, maybe our only job, is to keep the kid safe. Whatever else comes we'll deal with, but keeping him safe won't just be about protecting him from an attack. People want him, Sasuke. That's not going to change. To take him or kill him, he's always going to be a target. Which means we need to…I don't know. Teach him how to be safe. We're not always going to be here. We might get taken out. Or a thousand other things might happen. We need to protect ourselves as well as him. However we do it, though, I'm done running. So yes. Right here is where we put down roots. This is home."

Sasuke looked at him without blinking, and Naruto matched his stare. There was more to be said and they both knew it. "We have to protect him, we won't always be here, we're parents," Sasuke said. "That all sounds like you plan on staying. With me. Like you've accepted the baby. That you're his father too. Have you?" Don't you dare break me again. Don't you dare.

"I guess. I mean, what's to accept? It's like I said before, I'm his father whether I accept it or-"

"Naruto."

Now Naruto was the one to place a hand over his eyes. His voice, when he could speak, was so soft it was barely a whisper. "Do you know he remembers being in me? That he knew he was killing me?"

"What?"

"Stuff I found out while you were gone. I can barely look at him sometimes. Knowing I tried to…tried to kill him's the main reason I think about offing myself. Can't live with it, can't take it. But he knew he was killing me. Tried to grow quickly to spare me. All that shit with Kyuubi…it was an accident, him trying to keep me out of danger. He's sorry. And I'm sorry. So. Fucking. Sorry. But I will never, Sasuke, ever feel worthy of being his father. All I did was hate him, and then I tried to kill him. Fathers don't do that. I'll never hurt him like that again, and I mean it. I will be here for him. Protect him. Give him whatever I have, whatever good that's left in this world, but I can't… I can't…"

Sasuke's hand was covering his mouth. "Okay. Okay. Naruto, it's okay-"

"Huh! No, it's not. That will never be okay." He removed his hand to reveal streaming eyes. "But I can spend the rest of my life trying to make it okay. Won't succeed, but I can try. That's why I don't kill myself. Yet. I don't deserve the easy way out. And he needs us. We're responsible to him. Responsible for him. Without us, who does he have? Yes. As much as I can, I accept that he's mine."

He couldn't imagine what Naruto was feeling. To have that kind of guilt staring you in the face. Killing his brother somehow wasn't the same. But this still wasn't over. "And…us?"

"Us. Yeah. I don't know."

"Meaning? I thought you couldn't take the idea of us being apart."

That was before you told me you love Hinata. He took a cleansing breath and focused on Sasuke. "What it means is I got Hinata pregnant. You…love her. That's all with us now. Will never go away. I'm not sure I know how to be with you anymore. Not sure I know how to be with myself, fuck. I can't get the rape out of my head, or forget her screams, or the fact that as long as she and I live we will never forget, can never forget, because her kid will be running around reminding us. No hope that thing will die in her either, or die afterward. I know it. I feel it. It'll be strong, it'll live, and God only knows what'll happen then. God only knows." He blinked. "She wanted to fuck me. And I mean seriously rip my clothes off and fuck me senseless. Felt that too. And since we're being all honest and shit, you can't sit there and tell me you didn't feel it. I don't love her, and I know I would have done it if she'd stayed in the house another hour. You, who do love her, would have been right behind me. And you're asking me what about us? I don't know, Sasuke. Why don't you tell me?"

"I don't want her–"

"You don't want to want her. But you do. If I have to live with raping her, why can't you live with loving her?" His eyes were merciless.

"Because that wasn't you."

"And according to you, you don't want her. Same diff."

Sasuke looked away.

"You lied to me for her. Lied right to my face. More reason why I have no idea about us. Got words on that?"

"I'm sorry. Okay?"

"No, it's not okay, Sasuke. That's why we're having this conversation. I don't…I don't know if you love me anymore–"

"Holy fucking–"

"But I do know that I don't feel the same. I love you, but shit's different. So until I figure out the differences, I don't know about us. And frankly, I don't want to know. Not right now. Do you hate me?"

Sasuke managed to close his mouth and blink his bulging eyes. "No." He licked his lips. "No, Naruto, I–"

"But you've lied to me before. And if you love me, you don't love only me anymore. Another thing I find really hard to live with."

Sasuke was silent a minute. "I'm finding it hard to live with, too. Impossible, actually."

Neither of them spoke for some time. Sasuke found it difficult to meet the directness of Naruto's gaze. It was like ice. Like the storm that had eventually forced them together again. Volatile, angry, and mutinous were those eyes. But then they blinked and looked away, and Sasuke felt he could breathe.

Naruto cleared his throat. "About what I did to you. No, don't say it wasn't me. Let's just stop using that line, okay? Thanks. I know no words can erase what happened, or bring back what we were. I know that. This isn't going to be solved with talking. But if it means anything at all, I'm sorry. For everything. Everything I did, or made you feel, or forced you to do. And the kid. Making him. I'm sorry about all of it. It wasn't in my control."

Well, he didn't break me again. We were already broken. "I know. And I hope you know how sorry I am too. For my part in it. You're right, this won't be solved with talking, but I'm glad we are talking again. I'm not sure where we go from here." He took a deep breath. "But I love you. I know that much. I'm not leaving, if that means anything."

"It does."

"Do you really love me?"

A nod. "Main reason this is killing me so bad. Feel like you're mine, that what we have is…I don't know the word. Something you can't fuck with ever. Like religion or something. But you and Hinata…it's killing me, Sasuke."

"Then be with me. Help me forget her."

"I can't."

Sasuke tried to accept this. Couldn't. "You said we're only whole when we're together. Do you think we can ever be whole again?"

"Already said I don't know. I don't think so. Not like before. Before, you and I were the only pieces to the whole. Now, like I also said, there are other pieces. It's going to take some figuring out." He wanted to ask how serious was the thing with Hinata, but didn't. He was very aware of the fact that Sasuke had lied to him. Might have lied about sleeping with her. Having a demon use your body to rape someone, and having sex with a girl you had feelings for were two very different things. He didn't have the strength to hear anymore about the two of them, if there was more. Could barely hold it together as it was.

They ended up just looking at each other. Most of the hostility was gone, but not all. It was a look neither of them could ever remember sharing. Measuring. Assessing. Noting the differences in each other's eyes. They'd gone through hell together, but emerged separate. Changed. Forged into something new. Less smiles for Naruto, who was no longer carefree. Sasuke's arrogance, the subtle air of superiority he'd had, was gone. The cockiness they'd both carried, the cockiness of lingering youth and ignorance, was absent. It had been replaced with new knowledge of the world and its terrors. The obsession they'd had with each other, the intensity of which had blinded them to these terrors, an intensity which could only be sustained by the young and ignorant, was finally at an end.

They were men.