Beca had been at least a little intrigued if not a bit interested, maybe at a push excited when she had gotten the job at the radio station. At least it was a step in the right direction.
A baby step. But a step.
Gotta walk before you can run. Gotta pay your dues. Before? What? She didn't seek out fame and fortune. Well fortune wouldn't be a bad thing. To be paid to do what you love, can't complain about that. But no. Not fame. Beca wasn't seeking that. So if a poxy job at the college radio station was a rung on that ladder, then she'd start climbing. It was just really hard to keep telling herself that this job was worth it.
Here she was, another week gone by since she last told herself she was gonna stick it out another week and if it didn't get any better she'd quit. It hadn't gotten any better. She hadn't quit. And once again another Monday rolled round where she told herself to just give it another week but she's just stacking vinyl's, so clearly it's not getting any better yet again when Jesse walked in. She had spent the majority of her first month at the station, hoping to manoeuvre her way into the booth. Onto the air. Anything to make it worth her time.
Maybe. Yeah maybe she had hoped for too much too soon. But this wasn't part of what she envisioned 'paying her dues' to be like. Not here. That would happen a little more out West.
He smiled his goofy smile at her as she wondered why it didn't make her feel like Chloe's had. She hadn't stopped thinking about that first smile of Chloe's. How it alone had drawn her in, like it was meant for her only. Shut up Beca you're being a total sap, she scolded herself, as the song 'Secret Smile' started to invade her thoughts. Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile and you use it only for me. Just stop it, Beca, stop it. Jesse made small talk as she had a conversation with herself in her own mind. Life would be so much easier if his smile effected her the way Chloe's had.
She made a conscious decision to not think about Chloe. She made this decision over and over realising that all she was thinking about was trying not to think about Chloe. Good plan Beca. You dumb ass.
She tried to think about how where she was right now in her life wasn't going to last. Barden wouldn't be forever. How her attraction to Chloe was fleeting. Had to be. She couldn't go another day with her brain completely pre-occupied by Chloe. Each morning since she had met Chloe she had woken up and rolled her eyes at herself as her first thought had been that Chloe existed. That out there was this perfect angel of a woman made for her. It took her only a minute or two of being awake to hate herself for thinking that. But each night she would be too exhausted, having trouble sleeping, headphones on, drifting off to her mixes and her final thoughts?
Chloe.
The songs she listened to permeating her dreams, no matter what the song was, if she was going to be honest, reminded her in some way of Chloe. The image of the sunniest of smiles dancing behind her eyelids.
Yes. That was where she was at.
No. She wouldn't be there forever.
She couldn't take another week of this.
She couldn't take another week at Barden. She couldn't take another week of Chloe's existence. She didn't know what she would do if forced to take one more week.
Give up? Give in? But to what? To who?
She knew rationally that she would look back and hopefully not even remember much of any of this. But she wasn't thinking nor feeling very rational right now.
Her ears perked up when she heard Jesse rambling on about auditions. Good going you dope, she thought, as she had managed to not think about Chloe for like a record breaking two minutes at that point.
"It's the coolest uncool thing you could do Beca, come on... audition with me tomorrow." He pouted, it was almost cute. No Beca it is cute, she told herself, he's a nice guy, that should be what you want. She had to want that. If she was going to continue this free ride at Barden, then there could be no Chloe. And Chloe would be at auditions.
"How about no?" She moved onto another stack of vinyls, turning her back to him and began to move up and down the rows of records. She needed to keep her head down and just get through as much of the school year as her father wanted her to. He would help her go and try to achieve her dream in Los Angeles, and it killed her that she needed his help, but she did.
She would not suffer the same fate as her brother. The family hadn't seen him in three years. She knew now that was in New York, pursuing his own dream, and even though she tried to keep in contact with him it proved hard when knowing her family would just clean kick the fuck off if they found out.
When he first left she had been completely unaware that he hadn't left of his own accord and that he had in fact been kicked out. She had been barely a teenager and swept up in her own high school world. High school had felt like the universe at the time, it had been hard to see past those harsh grey walls. Hard to see that high school would end, the bullying would end. And it had only gotten worse when William wasn't there for her any more. It got worse when the rest of her family gave her no answers. Why he hadn't turned up for her birthday and she had found a card from him in the trash. Why he hadn't turned up for Thanksgiving, or Christmas.
No closure.
"Come on Becaw!" She rolled her eyes, snapping out of her thoughts, disliking how he said her name but this is what flirting is meant to be right? She saw it between couples in high school, didn't understand it until William had tried to explain it to her. They would banter and were never really very nice to one another. She never really could grasp why someone would act like that to another person they were attracted to. But that's just the way it was according to William. "It'll give us something to do together that isn't stacking records…" He continued to try and convince her, she just wasn't interested in him. Beca wasn't trying to be a challenge but she figured that's how he was seeing this go down, that she was playing hard to get. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted to get her mind off Chloe. And when she was alone all she did was pine after Chloe. "Although I can see that is your life passion."
"Can't you just start a band? That would earn you cool points."
"With you?"
"Ha!" Beca deadpanned. "No." It came out sarcastic, she was mostly sure she wasn't being sarcastic but he laughed anyways taking it as a joke.
"Ok ok… I know I don't need any extra cool points with you, with our deep connection we've got going on here... how about we go for drinks after we're done here, and I swear by your third drink if I haven't convinced you that a cappella can be cool I'll let you buy all the drinks."
"You're bizarre," She looked across at him, his eyes already on her as his smile grew from uncertain to hopeful "And that makes like no sense."
"I'll take that as a yes?" His smile grew until he beamed as the stack of vinyl's on the trolley got smaller and she was closer to giving in. And she did. Just like she had the day before, and swore she wouldn't again. Anything to distract.
It was her futile attempt at being what she thought was normal. Doing what she knew was expected of her. He was expected. Chloe was the unexpected. The scary.
Aubrey made sure her and Chloe arrived before the other groups. She had asked Chloe to get there a little early to get the seats right in front of the stage.
"Do you think she'll audition?"
"Oh yeah I saw her whilst getting our coffee's on the way in." Aubrey sat up straight and perky waiting on the other groups to arrive. She was sort of, kind of, dreading seeing Unicycle. Just a little. A little bit more than she was willing to admit, even to herself but seeing Stacie in the cafe had make it all better.
"Really?" Chloe didn't even wait for an answer already too excited to see Beca. It's not like she had been trying and failing to catch her around the campus. "That's awes!" Aubrey was too focused on the impending auditions, and how important they were, to realise Chloe thought she'd bumped into Beca.
The rest of the groups filed in, sitting around the auditorium waiting on the prospective students. They traded barbs. Aubrey wasn't going to let any of the Trebles, most of all Unicycle see her at anything but her best and most confident. As her dad always told her
"You can only prove you're the best by making others know they're losers."
Stacie was confident about the audition, knew she was a shoe in no matter what because of the effect she'd had on Aubrey. That wasn't going to stop her messing with her a little.
She was on the stage in front of them, having wore red trousers, cause like red equals sex and the fact that she knew they made her ass look amazing. She'd confirmed that when she caught Aubrey trying not to stare at her ass when they'd bumped into each other not a half hour beforehand as she left the cafe. She wore a low cut top that was barely a top to give Aubrey a good look of what she would get later. Cause there would be a later. And Stacie would have Aubrey.
"...cuticle care and the E Network..."
Stacie smiled. She was totally fucking with them. And she thinks they're buying it. Good God.
And then she sang, she can sing. But again she wants to fuck with Aubrey so she did her best impression of Jessica Simpson and sexualized the shit out of the song all whilst looking Aubrey dead in the eyes as she wandered her hands all over torso and down a little further than she even thought she'd going with it. And then she's touching herself.
Stacie really got into it, and off on how Aubrey watched her. Intently. Focused. Unblinking.
It felt like it was just them in the room as her eyes were on nothing and nobody but Aubrey. Stacie saw Aubrey's eyes darken with desire, she does, she swears it. Stacie could see Aubrey's breathing become slower, forcibly so. Stacie sees Aubrey take her bottom lip into her mouth slowly, and bite down. Stacies eyes wandered down past where she could see Aubrey's pulse racing in the veins in her neck, onto where Aubrey's hands rested on the table. Aubrey's posture so proper. So perfect. She can't help but wonder what an unravelled Aubrey would be like. All Stacie could think about is Aubrey's long elegant fingers. Long elegant fingers and how they would feel curled inside her. The thoughts make her hips sway more as she sang, imagining moving them against Aubrey. Imagining Aubreys moving in rhythm back against hers.
And then it's over and Aubrey's cheeks and chest are flushed, not that you would be able to tell by the serene look on her face how turned on she was. And Stacie just flashes her the most innocent smile she could muster and exited the stage.
Mission accomplished.
Beca heard everyone singing from the corridor, she had snuck a glance or two, okay maybe a lot more, through the door at Chloe. Her palms were clammy. She was about to leave. Was she? Chloe's eyes dropped and Beca stopped, hesitated.
Chloe started the auditions perky and upbeat but by the end with no sign of Beca her eyes were downcast and had lost their sparkle.
Chloe spotted a blur of movement at the door as Beca was deciding on whether she should stay or go, and ponder what the actual fuck had made her come in the first place. She just couldn't help herself. Knowing that if she came she would be able to see Chloe, and her mind hadn't processed any further than her need to see Chloe. And suddenly she's being beckoned over. Drawn into the auditorium by Chloe's bright eyes, her bright smile that narrows in on her through the crack in the door, the crack in the wall she places around her heart and she's on the stage in front of everyone. In front of Chloe.
Chloe.
Fucking Chloe.
She had no right to be that fucking beautiful.
It's worth the pain of the cracking in her walls, her barriers to deflect emotions to see Chloe's eyes light back up, to see that smile. God that smile.
Did Chloe know the effect her smile had? Was she using it intentionally to wound Beca?
Then Beca's leaning over, leaning down, taking her little plastic yellow cup away. Chloe should feel ashamed that yeah, she looks directly down Beca's top but she's only human. And boobs. So yeah no shame.
Then Beca sings, looking down nervously but gaining confidence every time their eyes meet. Fuck she shouldn't have come to the auditions. If Aubrey lets her in, she doesn't even want in, nope. This is all she can take of being near Chloe. But if she did, because she gets the feeling Aubrey makes the decisions, if she does then she can spend time with Chloe. That wouldn't be bad. It would be terrible. How could she get over this silly little infatuation if that happened. Nope. She'd leave the auditorium and never see any of them again. She just had to get to the end of the song.
Then suddenly somehow she is. She's finished, she can't remember how that happened. How she got through the entire song with Chloe looking at her. And Chloe was positively beaming, glowing, directly at her. Or maybe it's all in her mind. She hopes it is. If Chloe felt an ounce of what she felt then they are both monumentally screwed.
Fuck.
Fucking Fuck.
Fuck her.
And how she made Beca feel. Really feel. Like her heart was beating so hard she could feel it in her throat, her ears, her mouth.
She couldn't breathe and needed to leave immediately if not sooner.
And then its over.
Beca mumbled a thank you or a goodbye or a get me out of here and she wandered out the auditorium and into the night. Away from everyone. Away from Chloe. Away from her feelings.
Beca got in, was chosen, like it's a cult. It probably should be classed as one. There was kidnapping. Like literally. Bag over her head, thrown in a car. Kidnapped. These women were organised.
Then they, the special chosen ones, were at a party with the other aca-nerds. And could life get any worse? Yes, as Chloe hugs her. Beca stood stiff. Wanting it to be over. Wanting it to never end. But it does. And Chloe says something. Beca's mind is focused on trying not to feel. Focused on breathing. Focused on just standing. Focused on hearing Chloe's sweet little voice swirling in the air and into her ears, except Beca thinks her ears couldn't put together the sound wave that is Chloes voice. That she couldn't process such a heavenly chorus and she's missed everything Chloe's said to her and then Chloes off, dancing on her way to get a drink.
Jesse got to be one of the unlucky ones too. Beca had heard his audition, and he can sing. No, really sing. Not the way he does around the Radio Station, all silly and shit, but like actually really fucking sing. And she's proud. He looks so proud. Beca sees him heading towards her and she tight lip smiles at him. There may be a little wave. She wishes she could take it back feeling like an utter boob when she's intercepted by Aubrey.
Wow thank God for Aubrey. Wow, Beca thinks to herself for thinking that. Maybe she's misjudged her a little.
"Back off Treble, she's a Bella and there will be no fraternising between groups." Jesse looked at Aubrey as if he was waiting for a punch line. She was serious. Dead. Fucking. Serious.
Or maybe she hadn't misjudged her and Aubrey was a control freak, Beca mused. She'd let this one slide. Just this once. She already had one controlling figure in her life she called "Dad". She wasn't about to let Aubrey fill a much not needed position.
Jesse held his hands up and backed off. Shrugging at Beca, she shrugged back. He wasn't a bad guy. She had wanted to congratulate him. She felt like she wanted to see more of Chloe. Fuck she hadn't thought of her in like three minutes. New record? The fuck? Mitchell. Way to try and keep Chloe out of your life, go and audition, get in and now be partying with her. Really? Fucking, really, Mitchell. You complete utter fuck up.
"See you at work tomorrow… I guess." He trudged off down the steps and joined his fellow Treblemakers.
Aubrey looked her over closely, and then moved off to get a drink without another word. Chloe appeared in her place.
She handed Beca a drink.
Did Beca feel that? Chloe sure as jeepers did. Their fingertips brushed as she handed the drink over and she felt tingles of electricity go up her arm. The waves of them travelled until they were caught in her throat. She took a drink to suppress a need to cough to get air back into her lungs.
The two talked for a while. Beca thinks they did at least because she was too busy concentrating on not kissing Chloe. Telling herself over and over what a bad idea it was. How stupid she was to even be thinking about it. She'd met her like twice. They'd barely held a conversation together. She knew nothing about this woman but she wanted to. Wanted to kiss that smile that lent in a little, a lot too close into her. Not close enough.
Beca wanted to sit for hours and extract every memory, every secret, everything Chloe loved or didn't love. She wanted to know anything and everything about her. And kiss her. She really fucking wanted to do that. She could find out plenty by kissing her but you don't do that. Beca didn't do that. Beca's not impulsive. Beca's body detached itself from what was left of her rational mind, hormones took over, and her mind was too slow to even try and catch up. To tell her no. Stop. Fool. Don't be a dick.
Beca leant in and kissed-.
Air.
Air?
Chloe?
Beca hit air as she looked up and Chloe was shaking her ass talking about jiggle juice and walking off towards… where, it didn't matter because it was away from Beca, and she just wanted her to return. Return to the negative space that should have been occupied with Chloe's mouth.
"Make good choices!"
Choose me.
Eugh did she just think that, it was clearly the alcohol she hadn't even begun to consume yet but was about to drink in abundance to get these thoughts out of her head.
Chloe. Chloe's little ass shake. Chloe's ass. Beca forced her eyes to look further up, convincing herself to not be a total perv. Her eyes settled on Chloe's hair. Beca wanted to run her hands in it and draw her in close as she kissed her. No she wanted to experience the look in Chloe's eyes, God her eyes, the moment before she would kiss her. The way Chloe had looked into her own eyes over her shoulder as she was leaving screamed that she knew Beca had been going for a kiss. Nah, Beca was just delusional. And then Chloe winked.
Chloe winked and Beca's stomach dropped, surging liquid deep down, as she shifted from foot to foot feeling incredibly uncomfortable in her jeans.
Why did she have to leave?
Thank God she did. She didn't want her to. She needed her to leave. Where was Jesse?
