A/N: writing angsty Hijikata is more difficult than I thought. No going back now, tho...

Disclaimer: Gintama and its characters don't belong to me. I make no profit from writing this.

Chapter 2

At least Okita was now working, Hijikata told himself. After days of locking himself up in his room to mourn, this was a good change. Even better, Okita was back to his old self; blowing things up and torturing others mercilessly. It was hard to tell that something grievous had happened to the boy when you saw him on the field. All was good at last.

Or so Hijikata wanted to believe. He knew that when he agreed to Okita's demand, he would have a difficult time ahead of him. Going out with Okita didn't equal to fun, loving times. It wasn't a kind offer to lift their spirits. It was Okita's punishment for him who had hurt Mitsuba's feeling.

Hijikata sighed in resignation. He felt a little bad for feeling relieved but Okita had done the right thing. He did deserve to be punished.


This was taking things way too far. Hijikata growled as he search Shinsengumi compound for even a bottle of mayonnaise. He had managed to sneak some into his room the other day, after Okita decided last week that the mayonnaise is contaminated and thus must be destroyed along with a portion of Hijikata's room.

Not only that, he had the guts to flush Hijikata's cigarettes down the toilet every time he bought them. While not terribly annoying at first, without the sticks Hijikata had difficulty focusing in fights. As a result he received more injuries than ever. He also suspected that Okita's sadistic personality had rubbed off on other members of Shinsengumi who now seemed eager to catch him off guard and hurt him in one way or another.

This time, though, no one was in sight as Hijikata stomped all over the compound in search of mayonnaise. He could only take horribly bland food for so long.

"Ah, Toushi!"

Hijikata saw Kondou approaching him and could barely hold back his annoyance. He was in this position because of this gorilla's order. Still, he held back and gave his commander a cool look. His respect to the older man, though he might not seem to deserve it sometimes, didn't disappear just because of a lack of insight in the past.

"Kondou-san."

"You're not working today?" Kondou asked with an unsuspecting smile.

"I'm looking for some mayonnaise for my lunch." Hijikata answered as calmly as he could under the circumstance.

"Ah, did Sougo throw them away again?" Kondou laughed loudly, looking very happy about his friend's misery. "I forgot to say thank you for talking to Sougo after his sister passed away. It's good to see that he has now recovered."

Hijikata stiffened but Kondou didn't notice that. That's right, there was a reason why Okita did all these. Hijikata wasn't happy but he imagined it was nothing compared to what he had put Mitsuba and Okita through. He was frustrated now but what had the siblings gone through when he decided to leave Mitsuba behind? They were both similarly strong, unwilling to show their true emotion. What had they kept to themselves all this time? What could he have done to make things better for them? What could he have done to make Mitsuba just a little happier? "Aa."

"You know, I'm glad to see you two get along together so well." Kondou said, nodding in approval.

Hijikata blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you two are closer than before. Haven't you spent more time together lately?"

"He tried to blow up my head the other day." Hijikata pointed out the even taking place when they were confronting a bank robber. As usual, Okita gave half-hearted warning before shooting the bank with his bazooka, not minding the fact that Hijikata stood in the way.

Okita never apologized even though Hijikata had a feeling that his murder attempts were more serious lately. The young captain seemed even more distant lately, distracted by something else he wouldn't say. Hijikata had little doubt that it had something to do with his anger toward him. Whenever they had the chance to be together, Hijikata kept hoping Okita would just let go and tell him how much he hated Hijikata for hurting him and his sister. He hoped in vain. Okita kept everything to himself, always finding something else to pay attention to and acting like Hijikata never existed except when he tried to kill the man.

In the past Hijikata would've confronted Okita but right now he knew that he had brought this upon himself. He had chosen to accept it. In the end, he ended up using Mitsuba's brother to make himself feel better. Was it a right way to repent?

Kondou laughed, seemingly undisturbed by the fact Hijikata presented. He patted Hijikata's back in a friendly manner. "See, you two are getting close. Now hurry up, Toushi, we have work to do."


Okita could feel the presence nearing. He didn't have to remove his eyes from the TV screen to find out who it was. He was already familiar with the sound of the footsteps and the change in the atmosphere when a swordsman of that caliber came near. There was no need to acknowledge his arrival or his existence even though Okita ached to behead him with his sword. There was no hostility but Okita sensed mild surprise and unease when Hijikata saw him in the room.

It last only briefly before Hijikata entered the room. Okita scoffed internally. Hijikata had no right to complain about his behavior. After all he chose to come near Okita despite knowing that the captain had no kind intention toward him especially since they agreed on their little arrangement. Over the voices from the TV set, Okita could hear soft rustling of clothes as Hijikata bent down to pick up a pack of cigarette on the table. He felt Hijikata sat somewhere behind him, for a moment wondered if the older man carried his sword. He heard no metallic sound when Hijikata sat down though, so he supposed the vice commander wasn't carrying any weapon.

Quietly, he listened to Hijikata's attempt to light a stick. Okita knew he hadn't smoked for two days. He must've felt tense now and desperate for a smoke. He knew Hijikata wouldn't immediately notice the slight difference in the stick he must have had dangling on his lips now.

Cracking noises, followed by a surprised noise was heard. He calmly listened to fast, distancing footsteps as Hijikata rushed to throw away the lighted stick as far away as possible. The footsteps approached him again and suddenly Okita was yanked up by the collar of his uniform.

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"It was just a firecracker, Hijikata-san." Okita explained in an indifferent voice. He noted the irritation in Hijikata's eyes, the accumulation of frustration over the past week. "That won't kill you. Unfortunately."

"What do you mean by 'unfortunately'?" Hijikata yelled, pissed beyond believe.

Okita looked at the vice commanded with a blank expression he knew would annoy Hijikata even more. "I'm just trying to make you quit you bad habits. Isn't that what couples do?"

If Hijikata was disturbed by Okita's choice of word, he didn't show it. But then again maybe the stress of not consuming mayonnaise and smoking was far greater than being in a dysfunctional relationship with Okita. "What kind of bad habit were you trying to get rid of when you tried to blow up my head?" Hijikata yelled, losing his composure. Well, wasn't that nice. Finally a little emotion from the cold man. Not the kind of emotion Okita wanted to see, though. He wanted to see Hijikata miserable, hopeless, losing any desire to live.

"Your head seemed to be disturbing you so I decided to relieve you from it."

"Did you want to relieve me from my life?" Hijikata yelled again in mounting aggravation.

Okita made sure to look straight into Hijikata's eyes when he gave his reply. He often heard how he looked remarkably like his sister. He used that similarity now to remind Hijikata of the woman he throw away. He'd remind him of how he had hurt Mitsuba in the name of love. He'd remind him of who was really at fault for Mitsuba's grief and loneliness. "Couples show their affections in various ways. Sometimes even through pain."

When he heard that, Hijikata immediately released Okita. The man looked away, perhaps ashamed of what he just did. Did he imagine being violent to Mitsuba instead of Okita? Did it made him think of being in a relationship with her? Did it remind him of how much pain he had caused to Mitsuba during their 'relationship'? Whatever Hijikata was thinking, Okita was satisfied with the reaction he garnered.

Okita could tell from the way Hijikata kept twitching his fingers that he longed for a cigarette now. He would make sure the man wouldn't have the chance to go near one for a couple more days then. It wouldn't do to allow the man to calm his frayed nerves.

"What kind of relationship is this?" Hijikata wondered, mostly to himself, Okita guessed.

"Our relationship." Okita replied.

"That's not how a couple treats each other." Hijikata said with a disapproving frown, regaining his control. Okita couldn't let that happen so easily, could he?

"I don't want to hear that from someone who only knew how to leave women behind."

There it was again; pain and guilt reappeared on Hijikata's face. This was what Okita was aiming for.

"You're not a woman." Hijikata muttered, avoiding Okita's eyes as he spoke. 'You're not your sister' was what Hijikata really said.

Okita nodded in agreement. "I'm not. So what are you going to do now?"

Hijikata seemed surprised that Okita gave him an option. It wasn't an uncalculated move, though. Okita was sure Hijikata wouldn't dare break off their agreement. He still had a lot to apologize for. He still had a lot of guilt. And Okita still had a lot of anger. He wanted to see Hijikata desperately trying to win his forgiveness.

"How about a date?" Hijikata proposed hesitantly after a moment of silence.

"Have you ever been on any date?" Okita asked, knowing the answer was 'no'. Hijikata might be a bastard, but he was a loyal bastard. What's the point of saving himself for a woman he had no intention to be with, though?

"Shut up! Do you want to or not?" Hijikata barked, uncomfortable when his weakness showed.

Okita pretended to consider the offer. In front of him, Hijikata squirmed in agitation. Okita briefly wondered what kind of answer the man wanted to get. "All right, then." Okita said, nodding.

"Oh. Well, we'll go on our next day off, then." Hijikata said, seemingly a little surprised that Okita wanted to go.

Okita nodded again. He vowed to make Hijikata suffered even more that day.

TBC

R&R, please.