Meant To Be
Chapter 002 – My Immortal
Hi, my name is Alice Cullen. I have this really big problem with my adopted brother, Jasper, or Jazz as I call him. We are the best of friends, but I will try to let you know my problem:
I'm
so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears.
And
if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave.
Your
presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
It had been almost a month since Jasper left me. Well the all of us, but they understood. So did I, I just couldn't find the reason. I had searched through every conversation we had. Everything he had done. Everything we had done together and I could still not find the reason.
"Alice!" Bella snapped her fingers in front of my face. I snapped out of my thoughts, "we have to go hunting now!"
"Yeah coming," I said and walked after her.
"Jasper?" Rosalie asked.
"Yeah. There have to be something I miss," I explained, "He would tell me why he would leave. I just have to find the clue." I sighed. I wondered where he was now. I froze in the middle of a step. The other flew by me, stopped and ran back. Why hadn't I thought of that?
"I know where he is!" I gasped.
"Where?" Esme whimpered. She missed Jasper as much as me, almost as much as me. I stared out in the blue, seeing another vision. It was of Jasper. He was lying in a bed staring up at the ceiling, not really seeing anything.
"Say something Alice! I'm going insane over here," Emmet said in a pleading voice.
"He's in Alaska. At our hotel, in our room. The exact same room as our first holyday, with you," I whispered.
"What is he doing there?" Carlisle asked confused.
"Gaining the control of his life, I think," I answered silently. Would he ever come back?
These
wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real.
There's
just too much that time cannot erase.
Every night I spend in Jasper's room. The wounds on my soul wouldn't heal, and the pain was the worst pain ever. Even worse than the raging fire rising through my body when I became a vampire.
"Think Alice! Think!" I commanded, and rubbed my temples. I focused on the small things now, but I still couldn't find anything. I had gone through anything. I sighed deep.
"Is it okay I come in?" Bella asked.
"Yeah," I said and stared out into the blue, going through everything once again. A broken sob broke through my thinking façade to the camera.
"What is she doing?" I asked Edward.
"Who?" he asked confused.
"Bella! Why is she filming me?" I asked. What was she doing?
"Oh. I don't know," he shrugged.
"Damn it! I can't find what I'm missing!" I complained. Edward walked through the door.
"Let me help you," he said, and sat down beside me. We went through it all over again – we sat staring out in the blue, our faces sad. Bella got it all on tape. After a few hours Edward and Bella left me alone, but Bella's camera went on filming. I didn't care. I broke down on Jasper's bed, recalling every time he touched me. It only hurt more. Why wouldn't these wounds seem heal? Why was this pain just too real? Why where there so much time couldn't erase?
When
you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd
fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of
these years
But you still have all of me
I had helped him through the most things, and been there to hold him tight when he was sad.
"Why did you leave me?" I asked him, even though he couldn't hear me. I took a pillow, and screamed into it. It was excruciating to know he wouldn't come back. I felt to arms hugging me tight. Esme had heard me, screaming.
"Sssh… it's going to be okay," Esme promised me, but I didn't believe her. I had been there for him, but he wasn't here for me now!
"What did I do wrong?" I muttered to myself, "I must have done something wrong!" I sat there with Esme hugging me tight, trying to get a hold on myself, but I couldn't. It was like I was dead. Like he had taken my heart and life with him, when he went away.
"Please come back, Jasper," I whispered into the blue. I wanted him back. I wanted him to hold me tight and tell me everything would be okay.
"Oh Jasper…" I cried out loud, and it felt like my heart was breaking even more, if that was even possible.
"Oh Jasper I love you too. I do. I really, really do. You have all of me," I sobbed very high, "why can't you see that?"
You
used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by
the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant
dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
It was now two month since Jasper left me, and I was a wreck. Even though it seemed impossible, time did passed by, very slowly – too slowly. When I wasn't in school, or eating I was in Jasper's room, sobbing loudly. Bella was still filming me. It didn't bother me anymore. She could do whatever she wanted. At first I wanted to go after him, when I found out where he was, but then I thought about it again, and if he wanted to get away from things down here, then I wouldn't force him to be with one of them.
My light was gone, and now I only lived at the places he once had lived in. He was in my every thought, in my every dream. It was so hard to be in places he had been, but I wouldn't leave. Not for a million dollars. I played and replayed his voice over and over again. It was like I was going insane. It was like al sanity was chased away by the memory of his voice, his face and even his smell.
"Alice, do you want to go shopping with me?" Rose asked. I thought about it for a second. What could it harm?
"Sure. What about Bella. Does she want to go?" I asked, and looked around the living room.
"Where is she?" Esme asked.
"Billy and Seth came," Edward answered and sighed. He missed her already.
"What would they?" Em asked.
"Jacob ran off. Billy wanted him back," Edward sighed again
"Why did he run of?" Carlisle asked confused.
"He missed Nessie too much. You know she is with the Denali's. So he phased and ran up to them so he could see her, but he has to be here when she comes back. He has promised her he would be here, when she comes back," Edward said. He didn't sigh this time, but his eyes were dead.
"Um… Edward you didn't answer Em's question," Rose pointed out.
"They came here because they wanted her to help. You know Jacob has a soft place for Bella, and if she explains it to him, Seth thinks it would make him understand. She is on her way now," Edward answered.
These
wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real.
There's
just too much that time cannot erase.
Rose and I did go shopping, and because I wanted it to be as normal as possible I did buy some now clothes to Jasper. It was hard, but I could handle it. Right now I thought it was better before, when he was with Jessica. No, I knew it was better because he didn't leave back then.
"What do you think?" Rose asked as she stepped out of the fitting room.
"It's beautiful," I answered and smiled a little. I don't think she saw it.
"You think so?" she asked and turned around to see from every angle.
"Yeah. I think you should buy the dress," I answered. She disappeared into the fitting room again. My wounds wouldn't heal, and the pain? Well that was only too real. Why couldn't time erase that? Why wouldn't it disappear? I balled up, hugging my knees, like I was trying to keep myself together, which was exactly what I was trying to do. I rested my forehead at my knees, and Rose found me like this.
"Oh Alice," she sighed, "come on let us get you home." She helped me up, and we paid for the clothes and walked towards the car. On the way out her phone rang. She picked it up, and the one she talked to muttered something.
"Okay," was her only answer and she snapped her phone shut. I was beginning to see a vision, but pushed it away. Edward could look for danger these days. I couldn't concentrate.
"Home," Rose said, as we walked through our front door. I went directly upstairs and walked into my room. I dumped my bags on the bed, and walked into Jasper's room. I dumped his on his bed too. I was so depressed. I walked over to the door, closed it and slit down until I was sitting on the floor. I could hear Edward walk upstairs and he stopped in front of Jasper's door.
"Bella have a present to you, when she comes home," Edward said and sat down on the other side of the door.
"Tell her thanks," I told him in my thoughts.
"I will," he answered. Silent filled the air through us.
"Edward, are you still there?" I asked.
"Yeah I'm here," he answered.
"Will this pain ever disappear?" I asked him. There was some silence before he answered. I guess he thought about it.
"No," he finally answered, "the wounds will never heal, the pain would always be too real and the time can never erase it.
When
you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears.
When you'd scream, I'd
fight away all of your fears.
And I held your hand through all of
these years.
But you still have all of me.
I remembered when he found out Jessica had cheated on him. The pain he had felt, was it this excruciating?
"No. it was hard for him, yes. But he didn't feel such great pain," Edward answered my thought. He is just like this when Bella leaves without him. Before I had told him he overreacted. Now I knew better. I would never criticize him again.
"Thanks," he muttered to me thought, and I could hear a smile where on his lips. We were so much alike right now. We were both wreck right now. We both hated it, but we couldn't help it. We were wreck 1 and wreck 2. That was what we were.
"I guess you can call us that," He answered my thought.
"Is it like this for you every time Bella leaves without you?" I asked.
"Yes. It's hard and it hurts, because I'm afraid she won't come back, even though I know she can't live without me. When she promise me to come back, and removes her shield from her head, it's a little easier, because then I can see in her head and know what she is thinking," he answered.
"Do you think I will ever forget my feelings for him?" I asked. It was nice to be honest with at least one. Edward knew about my feelings for Jasper.
"I know you won't Alice," he answered, "I know you have always been there when he needed one to confess in, and I know you have fought all his fears away for him. I know you have held his hand when he needed and that you want to forget him, but you can't. We vampire can hardly change, but when we do then it last forever. Look at Carlisle and Esme, Rose and Em or Bella and me; we are still in love with each other. It will never change."
"So he still loves Jessica?" I asked him sadly.
"No, he has never loved her. He has told himself he did. But if he had loved her, he would have broken your promise, but he didn't," he answered.
"Will I ever…?" I let the sentence trail of. I hadn't word for my feelings.
"No you will never ever learn to live without him," he answered.
I've
tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're
still with me, I've been alone all along.
I had told myself a billion times that he didn't come back – that he was gone, and I had tried a million billion times to understand it, but I even though I had so much space to wrap I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand it.
"I know how it is," Edward comforted me.
"Do you think I ever will understand it?" I asked.
"I don't know, but I don't think so," he told me. I missed the time where we were together when the others had quality time.
"I miss that some too," he answered. I smiled sadly.
"Even now when you have Bella?" I asked.
"Yes, even now. Bella needs some alone time too, you know. She has always been very independent. I use to call her miss independent," he said. I had always been alone, because Edward hadn't always time to me, so when Carlisle and Esme, Rose and Em had some alone-time, and Jasper had been at Jessica's or Jessica was here I was in my room. Jessica didn't like me, so when they were together I was lying in my room alone, trying to imagine Jasper was lying beside me, but I had always been alone – alone all along.
"I'm sorry I didn't have time sometimes," Edward answered with guilt in his voice.
"It's okay. You also have a life," I answered. Silence filled the air again. It was like the others tried to get something out of our conversation, but I doubted they did.
"If Bella left you for Jacob or just left you, would you try to understand it?" I asked.
"No, I would never try to understand it, because that would make her the bad guy, and I would not bear to think of Bella like that," Edward answered
"If you left, and Bella came up to you and begged you to come home, would you?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"Alice, I would kidnap Bella, and take her with me," he answered.
"Why didn't Jasper do that?" I asked irritated. Jasper had something to learn from Edward.
"Because he didn't know where you were. Jasper wrote a note to me, where he explained," Edward answered again. My irritation over Jasper disappeared like dark, when you turn the light on.
"Do you have it right now?" I asked. I needed that piece of paper. He had touched it and I needed to smell him once more.
"Yeah, here," he slit the note under the door. I picked it up and inhaled Jasper's scent. After that a broken sob broke through my throat. I began to read the note. It said:
Dear Edward.
I know this will break Alice, and I love her. Trust me I do! But I have to leave. Please take care of her, and help her through.
I would have taken her with me, but I didn't know where she was and you weren't there to ask. Don't blame yourself, dear brother
I don't know if I will come back, but keep listening for my thoughts.
Jasper
"Will you tell me when you can hear them?" I asked.
"Of course. You'll be the second to know," he answered
"Second?" I asked hurt. I saw another vision, but I pushed that away too.
"Yeah. I'll be the first," he answered.
"I'm dying!" I sighed.
"NO!" he yelled angrily.
"Sorry," I answered very low.
"You're not forgiven. Yet!" he spit back. I didn't answer that.
When
you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears.
When you'd scream, I'd
fight away all of your fears.
And I held your hand through all of
these years.
But you still have all of me, me, me.
After some silence I heard two pair of footsteps. One was Bella's and the other sounded like Jasper's. I closed my eyes, and pretended it was him – ah the gift of wishful thinking. I dreamed it was him, being so in love with me that he had to come back – Bella had shown him the tapes, and he realized he needed me, and I needed him, so he just had to come back.
"Bella is home," I thought to Edward.
"Yeah I can hear her. You want to go downstairs?" he asked.
"Thanks, but no thanks. Just send my present up, or just put it at the table in the dining room. Don't forget to tell her thanks from me," I answered.
"I will," he answered and went downstairs. He kissed Bella
"I should ask you to send her present up. She has locked herself in, in Jasper's room. She won't come out until he's home," I heard Edward tell someone. I could hear the vampire, who sounded like Jasper, on the stairs. He walked over to Jasper door and knocked.
"No," I answered in a groan. The vampire walked into my room, found a piece of paper and wrote something down. Then he walked back to Jasper's door and slit it under. I took the paper and inhaled the scent of it. It smelled like Jasper too. I turned the paper and started to read it. It said:
Dear Alice
When
you cry, I'll wipe away all of your tears.
When you scream, I'll
fight away all of you fear.
And I'll hold your hand through all
years.
And you'll have all of me.
Jasper
I jumped up and yanked the door open – yanked it out of it hinges, and there he was, the love of my life…
