I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way
Come morning, I slowly pull the bandage off my shoulder trying to stop the scabs from bleeding when it comes off revealing the mess of pale scars, puffy pink older cuts, and angry red cuts across my upper arms, I pause at the view showing how weak I am. I can't help but hope that one day I cut too deep, let them know how weak I actually am.
I slowly finish getting dressed hoping none of the scabs start to bleed on anything. I put a navy blue top on making sure the sleeves cover the lowest scar up to the highest cut. It will hide any blood that comes if a scab opens up. I put on a nice pair of black dress pants and head for the door.
As I enter the Jeffersonian I do everything that is expected of me as I fake being better than just getting by, if that's even what I'm doing. So I smile as the others say good morning to me, even though it's anything but a good morning. I laugh at Angela's joke that everyone had heard before, like I'm supposed to, though I feel like crying. I check in with Cam then find myself hoping that we don't have a case so I can hide in Limbo.
As it turns out we don't, which is good because a case means acting ok for two more people, Booth and Sweets. It's hard enough to pretend in front of Angela, Hodgins and Cam without adding the person who knew me best and the person who deals with emotions everyday and are both geniuses at reading people's actions.
Little did I know that even with all the faking they did notice the haunted look in my eyes.
It's lunch time before I finally leave Limbo, leaving being a habit from days long gone when Booth would come to drag me out for lunch, before he got tired of lying, or pretending to care.
Of course my plan to slip out undetected is halted by Cam, "are you feeling okay, Dr. Brennan?"
"Yes, why wouldn't I be, Dr. Saroyan?" I ask with a forced smile, hoping she wouldn't notice anything wrong. I note that the lab is mostly empty
"You seemed…off… this morning." She said with a piercing look in my direction.
"What do you mean 'off'." I ask confused.
"Kind of, I don't know, like you would rather be anywhere else."
"I apologize Dr. Saroyan, it won't happen again."
"O…Kay ." She says giving me a look I can't quite decipher.
"Want to go for lunch? I was about to go to the diner." I ask hoping to direct the subject to something else that does not revolve around how messed up and weak I am.
She must have known the other conversation was not going to continue "Sure."
As we leave the Jeffersonian I can't stop going to, as Booth calls it, la la land, and as a result I don't really hear what Cam's talking about or notice the big rise in a section of the sidewalk. I feel it knock my feet out from under me, I feel the nearby lamp post ruffle my shirt sleeve and pushing it up to well past my lowest cuts and scars. I didn't notice it happened until after blood is trickling down my arm. I watch it for a second before I realize how noticeable it is and I snap my eyes up to Cam. She is looking at the scars criss-crossing my upper arm and shoulder and the fresh blood.
Her eyes shoot up and meet mine I see worry and betrayal but not surprise.
"Dr. Brennan…"she says, apparently overcoming her shock to try and speak.
"It's nothing." I interrupt her before she can continue. I turn on my heel and walk quickly back to the Jeffersonian before she can say anything else, before she can lie.
