Cinnamon and Sand- 2
While Gaara went off to negotiate with Tsunade and the council, I scrubbed my apartment from top to bottom. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd done it so it was probably way overdue. I even took care of my plant that was starting to get a little wilty because I didn't always remember to water it. Housecleaning wasn't something that I enjoyed which was pretty obvious by how cluttered things had gotten. But now at least I wouldn't be embarrassed to have Gaara over at my place anymore.
The only thing that made me pause was the electric kettle sitting on the kitchen counter. Gaara hadn't been able to have tea this morning because it had gotten zapped last night during the power surge. But that wasn't all that was bothering me, and the memories were threatening to well up from where I'd buried them. How was I going to cope? Would every little electric shock send me into a panic? What if Kakashi used Chidori during a fight? What would I do then? There were no answers to those questions that wouldn't dredge up painful thoughts and memories and I wasn't quite sure I was ready to deal with them. Yet. I'd have to. I knew I'd have to eventually. Jut not right now.
But it was just a kettle. I wasn't going to let an inanimate object have that much control over me. Sighing, I emptied out the water and tossed the whole thing in the garbage. The plastic plug was a blackened and it was probably a lost cause but replacing it wouldn't be too much of a problem. I felt the heft of my wallet where it sat in my pocket. I honestly didn't spend much of my money so saving wasn't hard. Sticking my hand into my pocket, I squeezed the leather frog purse and smiled. Gaara had given it to me when my last one self destructed.
He was always giving me things which both flustered and pleased me at the same time. I wasn't used to receiving gifts. I needed to do something for him but I wasn't quite sure what yet. I'd have to do some thinking to come up with something. Taking one last look around, I was relatively satisfied with the results of the morning's work. The only thing I wished for a was a bigger bed which made me smile again. We'd make do.
After I was finished, I headed out to the training grounds again. I needed to move, to stretch out the kinks and burn away what was left of the memories from the night before. I couldn't let what had happened to me in the past shape my future in a way that would keep me from reaching my dreams. But even thinking all of that, I found myself heading to place I hadn't visited since I came back from training with Pervy Sage. It was the place where Team Seven had come together for the very first time. The training ground was empty of people but it was full of memories.
I walked over to the three wooden posts that stood at the edge of the clearing. We'd become a team here. How had it gone so wrong? How could Sasuke go from a teammate that shared his lunch with me to what he'd become now? I'd tried so hard to bring him home because I was convinced that he could be saved. But now I wasn't so sure. I didn't understand him anymore. I didn't really know what he wanted and I wasn't sure what lines he would be willing to cross. A while back, I'd gone on a solo mission for the first time ever. Konoha had been short handed at the time and I was excited that I would finally be able to show Tsunade what I could do on my own. But on my way home, Sasuke had attacked and captured me.
And during those painful, agonizing days as his prisoner. . . he tried to break me.
After Sasuke was finished, he'd dumped me outside the gates of Konoha like a piece of trash. Part of the emotional torture he'd inflicted on me had been a Genjutsu vision that made me think that the entire village had been watching him abuse me while they did nothing to stop it. I'd felt so unsafe and ashamed that I'd run away. I'd run to Suna, to Gaara. He found me in the desert and brought me back to his village so I could heal. I'm not sure what would have happened if it had been anyone else.
"You look a little lost in thought. That's not like you, Naruto."
I turned my head to see Kakashi standing at the edge of the clearing. He must have finished whatever he was doing with Yamato Taichou early because I hadn't expected him back until the end of the week. He was leaning against a tree with one hand in his pocket and a book in the other. I wondered idly if it was Pervy Sage's new one or if he was re-reading one of the others. I couldn't even get through even one of them and I always wondered how he could read them over and over so many times. Shrugging, I looked back towards the posts and the shadows that lingered there.
"Just have a lot to think about, I guess." That was kind of a vague answer and he deserved more than that. Kakashi had been my team leader, he'd been my mentor. And sometimes he'd just been my friend. But I wasn't quite sure where to start.
"There's been a lot going on," he said quietly.
That was certainly the truth. The last few years had been so busy with world shaking events happening nearly every day. And they were never really things that I wanted to happen.
"Will I be able to take the Chunin Exams this year?" I blurted suddenly. That wasn't really been what I'd been thinking and I knew I was changing the subject. Kakashi didn't really know what had happened when I'd disappeared for a week. Nobody knew except for Gaara and I really wasn't ready to talk about it. I wasn't sure if I ever would be. But now that the subject of the exams was out there, I really wanted to know.
"Hmmm." Kakashi breathed in and let it out slowly like he was thinking about it. When he closed the book softly and put it in his pouch, I knew he was really listening. "Entrance into the exams requires a team of three."
"So how did Sakura do it? And Sai. Did he even take them?"
"Sakura teamed up with Choji and Ino since Shikamaru had already passed. And as for Sai, you'll have to ask him yourself."
I huffed a breath and kicked at a clump of grass. He probably wouldn't tell me even if I did ask. But I wasn't going to let this go because it was way too important. How would I ever become Hokage if I was still a Genin? It sounded like I was going to have to find a couple of other people to team up with. I didn't like the idea of working with a bunch of younger kids but I'd do whatever I had to.
"Are there any teams that need another member this time around?" I asked him, trying not to sound too hopeful.
Kakashi shook his head. "I'm sorry. You won't be able to enter this year. And you're getting a little old."
"Oh, come on." I rounded on him. "Kabuto was totally older than me when he took them with us."
Kakashi's single visible eyebrow rose. "He was also a spy and a traitor. I don't think you want to use him as an example."
"Well I've got to do something. I refuse to stay a Genin forever."
"And nobody said that you had to."
"But you just said-"
"I said you couldn't enter the exams this year. I didn't say you couldn't become Chunin." The skin around Kakashi's eye was crinkling above his mask like it always did when he smiled. Like he was laughing at me. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him.
"So how do I do it? It's not like it could possibly be on merit alone since I can't even leave the damned village anymore." I couldn't help but sound a little bitter about that. There were some people in the village that would keep me cooped up here all the time if they could, especially a couple of the council members. With things the way they were, it was like Danzo was getting his wish.
"I can't even push myself in my training because I need a babysitter to keep Kyuubi from coming out and going crazy." Now that I'd gotten started, I couldn't seem to stop. I pinned Kakashi with a glare. "So tell me. How am I supposed to get stronger if I can't go on missions or train effectively? I'm not weak, dammit!"
"No, you're not."
He came over and put a hand on my shoulder carefully. Like he wasn't sure if I'd shrug him off or not. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would either. I just felt so angry. I hadn't really seen Kakashi much in the last few months and I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen Jiraiya. It was starting to make me feel neglected and I just couldn't deal with being ignored again. Not after I'd come so far. My body started to shake and I took an unsteady breath. Was this leftover emotion from last night when I freaked out? Was it the memories of this place? Or was it just because I'd finally had enough of all of it?
"This has really been bothering you for a while hasn't it?" Kakashi's voice was gentle but it wasn't because he was talking down to me. And it wasn't that careful tone he used when he was trying not to push me over the edge. I knew he cared and I started to feel a little foolish again.
"Yeah, I guess. It's just not fair," I mumbled halfheartedly. My voice was really quiet and when I shrugged, he squeezed my shoulder gently. Of all the people that had come into my life, Kakashi was one of the most important.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you that I just came from Tsunade's office and that she has a mission for you? It'll give you a chance to get out of the village for a while."
"What? Right now?" I jerked away and looked at him with a little bit of panic. He seemed honestly surprised.
"I thought you just said you wanted to go on a mission and you were tired of being cooped up here."
"But, right now. . .I'm just. . ." I bit my lip. "It's just that Gaara's here and I never get to see him."
His eye did that crinkly thing again. I wasn't really sure how much he knew about how close Gaara and I had gotten. But maybe I was reading too much into that look. Kakashi chuckled.
"Then I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that you'll be escorting him back to Suna."
"Really?" I brightened but it turned into a frown almost immediately. It was bad enough that the council underestimated me and sometimes treated me like crap. I wouldn't let them do it to Gaara too. He deserved more respect than that. "Wait. Does he really need an escort? He's Kazekage. He can take care of himself and he's got his siblings with him."
"Perhaps escort was the wrong word. Tsunade's sending a team to evaluate Suna's testing area. But if you don't want to go-"
"No no! I mean, yes! I do. I really do." There was no way I'd pass up this opportunity. "Uh, when are we leaving?" Gaara had said he'd been here three days and unless something had changed, we still had two more left.
"Tomorrow. There are still a few more details that need to be discussed but the timetable was moved up. You'll need to get ready for the trip." Kakashi tiled his head. "But you look like you've got some free time on your hands at the moment. Maybe you'd like to train for a little while."
I felt a grin spread across my face. "Yeah! But wait? Don't we need Yamato Taichou for that?" I didn't like the restriction but I wouldn't risk hurting anybody.
"Not necessarily. No clones today, just some good old one on one sparring."
I blinked. One on one with Kakashi. Coming from him, that was a pretty awesome compliment. He was one of the best ninjas I knew and he didn't waste his time sparring with just anybody. I'd finally gotten the bells from him with Sakura when I came back from training with Pervy Sage. And now I could show him what I could really do.
I grinned. "Let's do it."
. . . . . . .
When I headed home late in the afternoon, I was just as tired as yesterday but not nearly as dirty. Kakashi had some serious moves on him and he'd actually kept the book in his pouch the whole time so I knew he'd been paying attention. Before getting to my apartment, I popped into Ichiraku to order some delivery. Of all the places in Konoha, I'd always felt the most welcome at the restaurant. Even before people started to accept me, Teuchi always smiled when I came in and he considered me his best customer. Right now, he was grinning as I told him what I wanted. Miso with pork was an absolute favorite of mine but the gizzard was totally for Gaara. he'd gotten me to try it one time and I thought it was kind of gross when. But he liked it.
I wasn't quite sure when Gaara would be done for the day so I asked for the ramen to be delivered a little later. That would also give me a chance to get cleaned up too. I made one last stop to pick up a new kettle. When I got home, I got all the way into the kitchen before I realized that the lock on my door had been fixed. I went back out and looked at the mended door and then down at the key in my hand. Backtracking down the stairs, I took a breath before knocking on the door to the apartment below mine. I wasn't used to people helping me and I wasn't quite sure what to say. When it opened, a little old man stood squinting up at me.
"Eh? Who're you?" he asked, blinking up at me as if he were trying to figure out where he'd seen me before. I knew those kind of looks and I braced myself for when it to turned into disgust.
"Who's there, Dad?" Another man who looked like a younger version of the guy who answered came to the door. When he saw me, he actually smiled. "Oh. Hello, Naruto."
I just blinked at him in surprise. I'd seen him before as I was coming and going to my place but I don't think we'd ever really said anything to each other. "Uh, hi," I said as I tried not to fidget.
"Dad, this is Naruto. He's the one who helped Mia's village when they were in trouble last spring."
"Naruto? The fox boy?" The old man's eyes narrowed as his mouth twisted in a frown.
I swallowed hard. This is what I'd been afraid of. Any minute now he would glare and start cursing at me and tell me to go away. But before I could retreat, his face broke into a happy smile that threw me completely off guard. "Any friend of my niece is a friend of mine. Come in, come in."
I lingered out on the doorstep hesitantly, suddenly aware that I was kind of grubby and unkempt from sparring earlier. "I, um. I can't stay really. I just came to thank you for fixing my lock. And for the eggs this morning," I added as I remembered breakfast. "You didn't have to-"
"Pfft." The old man cut me off and waved it away as he headed further into the apartment. "No trouble at all. We're neighbors. Neighbors help each other out."
That was new to me. But then so many things were when it came to how other people acted. When it came down to it, I didn't really understand people as much as I wanted to. But I was going to learn. I'd never get anywhere if I didn't understand the people around me. The younger man's eyes flicked from his father back to me with what looked like an amused expression. But then it turned serious.
"I'd like to apologize," he said quietly.
I blinked, totally at a loss. "What for?"
He was surprised at first by my reaction and then he almost looked a little embarrassed. "I have not always been kind to you. And for no good reason." He cleared his throat. "I let rumors color my opinion and affect my actions without really getting to know you. I'd like to ask for your forgiveness."
I honestly couldn't really remember any specific thing that he had to be sorry about. Everybody in the village used to give me dirty looks and after a while, I just got used to it. And I think everybody here in the apartment building had yelled at me at least once for being annoying, but mostly it was because I was being loud. He sounded honestly sorry.
"It's okay." My first impulse was to shrug it off but he was being really serious and that didn't feel quite right. So I was honest. "All I want is to be able to protect the village."
His expression was a little baffled, like he didn't quite know what to make of me. "You're nothing like I expected. To be who you are after the way we treated you." He might have continued but the old man came shuffling back out with a small covered plate.
"My niece just sent another batch of cookies today." He held out the plate to me with that happy smile still on his face. "Share them with that nice young man I met this morning."
I wondered idly if he knew that nice young man was actually the Kazekage. Smiling back, I took the plate and resisted the urge to eat a cookie right that second. "Thanks." Looking back to his son, I grinned. "No worries. We're good."
When I got back upstairs, I paused outside my door. The whole exchange from downstairs suddenly struck me and it released a deep knot in my chest that I hadn't even realized was there. I'd worked so hard to get people to acknowledge me, to acknowledge that I had a right to exist. Iruka Sensei had been the first. He'd seen something in me and reached out when no one else would. He'd apologized to me too but that had been in the middle of a fight. There had been no grand battles here. It was just simple caring from one person to another. My throat started to get a little tight and my vision swam.
"Naruto?" Gaara came to a stop at the top of the stairs and was watching me carefully.
I no idea how long I'd been standing there staring at the plate in my hands. Holding it out, I gave him a watery smile. "Want a cookie?"
He smiled quietly in return as he came forward to take the plate from my hands and drew me inside the apartment to the kitchen. He set the plate on the table and cupped my face in his hands. "Are you alright?"
I sniffed and reached out to wrap my arms around his waist and rested my forehead against his. He'd asked me that question the night before and I'd told him no. But last night seemed so far away right now.
"Yeah. I'm good." I was better than good, actually. Rationally, I knew that there were still people that didn't like me all that much. But for the first time, winning them over didn't seem like such an impossible task. Sure, I'd helped the guy's niece. But other than that, I hadn't really done all that much. It was more like he really looked at me for the first time and saw that I wasn't actually a monster.
Pulling Gaara closer to me, I kissed him. It was just a press of lips at first but it slowly grew into something more. I was happy right now. Up until this point, I'd only ever been able to share my sadness and pain with Gaara. I wanted to offer something more, something joyful and precious. He responded and moved closer as his fingers slid up to thread through my hair.
When we pulled apart, that small smile was still on his face. "I was going to ask you how your day went but I suppose that's answer enough."
"It wasn't really the day itself," I told him. My problems were not completely gone and there was still so much work to be done. But right in this moment, it was okay. I was content. "I'm just figuring some things out."
Before Gaara had arrived yesterday, I'd worried about how our relationship was going to work. When we'd first been together before, it had been impulsive and passionate, but natural in a way I don't think either of us really understood at the time. I'd been worried that things would become awkward if we had too much time to think about what we were doing. And I'd been doing a lot of thinking in the last few months. We'd both grown up so alone that neither of us had much experience dealing with other people. How could we possibly last? But looking into his pale, green-blue eyes, I knew we'd be alright. That natural feeling was still there. We fit together.
We were both startled by a knock on the door. I let out a shaky breath that turned into a quiet laugh. "That would be dinner. We never did get a chance to go out to Ichiraku last night."
"We could have gone out tonight," Gaara said, cocking his head to the side.
I looked into his eyes again and squeezed him in a hug. When I spoke, it came out as a whisper. "I don't want to share you with anyone."
Maybe it was selfish of me. Gaara was the Kazekage and he belonged to his people. It was the same way I would belong to Konoha when I became Hokage. But right now, in this moment, he was mine. The pale skin of his cheeks flushed bright pink and his gaze shifted away from me. I kissed his cheek before releasing him to answer the door. Ayame stood waiting with the noodles.
"Here you go, Naruto," she said with a smile. She had always been as nice to me as her dad.
I thanked her and took everything back inside, so could I start pulling the covered bowls out of the carrier. Gaara had washed the new kettle and put water on to boil for tea. When I handed him the ramen with gizzard, he looked at me and blushed again. It was such a simple thing. He knew that I didn't like it and that I'd gotten it just for him. The expression was adorable and it made me want to figure out how to make him do it again.
"So how was your day?" I asked him when we settled down to eat.
"Relatively uneventful but a learning experience all the same. Tsunade is. . ." He trailed off as if he were thinking of how to say it.
"Unreasonable, really freaking loud, and sometimes violent when she doesn't agree with something?" I offered with a smirk.
The corner of Gaara's mouth twitched like he was fighting not to smile. Probably because he thought it would be rude to agree even if it was funny. "I wouldn't phrase it quite like that."
"That's because you're way more polite than me." I shrugged. "But you know it's true. She looked like she was about ready to literally toss me out of the window the other day when I started to argue with her."
"She's frustrated. She's forced to spend a great deal of time fighting the council members as they try to outmaneuver and manipulate her."
"I figure you'd be familiar with that kind of thing." There was a quiet sigh and I immediately wished I hadn't said it. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"No, don't be sorry. You're right." Gaara studied his bowl before looking back up at me. "I value the council members' opinions because they have more experience than I do. And I don't think it would be good for any Kage to have absolute power over their village. But there are times when they think they know better just because of that experience which may not always be the case." He took another deep breath. "There are times when it is extremely difficult to do my job."
"Do you ever regret it?"
"No." His answer was immediate and firm. I hadn't expected anything less but part of me did wonder.
"Are you having second thoughts about becoming Hokage?" he asked me.
"No." My answer was no less definite than his had been. Being Hokage had always been my dream. At first, it was a fantasy when I was young and alone. There was no way people could refuse to acknowledge me in that position. But it had turned into something else since then. It was a way to protect the village and everyone in it. No matter what had happened in the past, they mattered to me.
"It's sill what I want. Nothing will change that." It really was what I wanted but it did make me think. "You know," I said. "Tsunade never really wanted the job."
"Really?" Gaara seemed mildly surprised by that.
"Yeah. Jiraiya and I had to hunt her down and when we finally found her, she said no." I smiled as I remembered. "I'm pretty sure the council tried to give it to him first and he was probably trying to find a way to get out of it."
"From what I understand, their relationship can be rather. . .volatile. How did he finally convince her?" Gaara's understanding of people and how they behaved was better than mine, but I think relationships still confused him.
"I don't know, really. She was talking some serious trash when I first met her. She had no respect for the position and I didn't really like her much. Then she bet me that I couldn't master the Rasengan in a week." I frowned. "Then things got weird. Orochimaru and Kabuto showed up and there was a huge fight. When it was over, she finally agreed to be Hokage but I'm not really sure what changed her mind."
Gaara's gazed was fixed on me like he knew something that I didn't. It was a strange look that was warm with a little bit of wonder, almost like the look my downstairs neighbor had given me earlier.
"What?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "Nothing." Reaching across the table, he took my hand. But the touch wasn't meant to be consoling like it had been the night before. His fingers were warm and I felt the tingle of the contact travel up my arm. Instead of ripping across my body like an electric shock, it wrapped around my heart like a soft blanket. Heat warmed my face and I felt a sappy grin pull at my mouth.
"I'm glad you came for a visit." And I really was. I'd been feeling a little lost and I was finally starting to feel like I was finding my way again. I'd been worried that Gaara and I would have to start all over again when it came to what hovered between us. I wondered if was all passion and impulse. But of course, I knew it wasn't.
I loved him.
Completely.
Utterly.
Without question.
Putting my chopsticks aside, I got up and moved around the table so I was right next to Gaara's chair. He tilted his face up and gazed up at me with a quiet adoration that ordinarily would have made me feel a little weird. But it felt right. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his. I tasted ramen and Gaara. My two favorite things.
"I love you," I murmured against his mouth.
He paused as if the words surprised him. They shouldn't have because we'd both said them before. In fact, he'd said them first. Of course, he'd been a little loopy with fever at the time but I was pretty sure that just pushed aside his inhibitions since he didn't have the concentration to over-think it. If he thought that I'd changed my mind about us and that I didn't feel the same way, I'd just have to show him otherwise. I drew him up out of the chair wrapped my arms around him. He always felt so good against me. I couldn't imagine not being close to him, not touching him, not tasting him. All I'd had for months was letters, memories, and my imagination. I was more than ready to indulge in the reality.
