Pity war
The only one on the ship that was even less social than Thane was Jack. And both parties were guilty for this one. Most people were a scared of her, and Jack wasn't exactly doing her best to show them otherwise. She had blown up on Gardner not too long ago for not warning her that the food was hot. Jack was the definition of hot tempered. Yet, something drew Shepard down to the lower deck to chat with the younger woman. Though Jack always seemed mildly disinterested in their conversations, she hadn't explicit told Shepard to fuck off. Yet.
Shepard was currently located down where Jack spent most of her time. What the hell she was doing down there with all her free time, Shepard didn't know and she sure as hell didn't want to know. Some things should just be left alone.
"I always do the smart thing if people fuck with me." Jack said, finishing her rather fucked up version of story time. "That's probably something you should remember."
A small frown appeared on Shepard's face. She wasn't sure if that was a threat. If it was, she should probably start sleeping with one eye open. If it wasn't, she'd just have to remember to not do anything to anger Jack.
"I have to go, but we should do this again." Shepard felt that it was probably time to end this conversation before either of them said something they'd regret.
"Wait." Jack took a few steps towards her, her voice sharp. "People usually walk away by now. Why are you really asking all of these questions?"
Shepard took a moment to think about what she wanted to say. Why did she ask those questions? A small voice in the back of her mind wondered if it was because Jack reminded her of her younger self? She hadn't been much different to Jack the first year she was with Anderson. Minus the biotics and the love for killing, of course. But the feeling like the whole world was against her and that no one could understand her pain... Shepard could definitely relate to that.
"I've never met anyone like you." She settled on eventually.
"Whatever. It'll come back to what you can take." Jack's voice was still hard. "It always does."
Something happened then. Shepard felt an anger unlike anything she had ever felt before rise in her chest. Normally, she was very good at controlling her feelings, but the stress combined with a lack of sleep she was currently experiencing had apparently gotten to her.
"For fuck's sake, Jack." She growled as she spun around, her eyes narrowing. "Can you get into your thick skull that I actually care about you? You're a part of my squad, I want to get to know you and if possible, I want to make things better for you."
"You don't know what it's like-" Jack started and it only threw more fuel on the fire in Shepard's chest.
"I fucking do. But don't expect me to tell you. I don't want to start a bloody pity war. I know that you think your problems are the only ones that matter, that you have experienced more pain than anyone else in this fucking galaxy, but if you ever bothered to talk with someone else you'd find that everyone on this ship has their own issues. But do you know what the difference is? They don't let their problems define them. Samara had to kill her own daughter, you don't see her breaking down or threatening to smear the walls with other crew members."
"But-"
"No, shut up. Garrus lost ten of his closest friends because the eleventh decided to fuck them over. Zaeed was shot in the head and has pretty severe PTSD, even if he doesn't want to admit it. Tali was nearly exiled from her people because her father didn't think about the consequences of his actions."
"I-"
"Yes, I know you had it bad. I've made it pretty fucking clear that I think what they did to you is fucked up. But stop fucking thinking that no one else matters and that your feelings are the only ones that matter."
Jack looked a bit shell-shocked after Shepard's outbreak and blinked a few times in an attempt to recover. Shepard didn't wait for that to happen and instead marched up the stairs, still fuming. She knew that what she had done was selfish and idiotic. But it felt pretty damn good to just yell at someone.
With a frown and slightly narrowed eyes, Thane read over the message he had been conducting for Kolyat. They had kept up their communications for the last few weeks and it was going well, so far. Community service seemed to suit the younger drell well and he seemed to get more and more at peace with himself each day. It brought Thane quite a lot of joy.
Things were, for the first time in ten years, going well for the assassin. By what was nothing short of a miracle, he had met a second siha and had reconciled with his son. In the evenings, instead of losing himself in memories with Irikah, as he had before, he was now planning for the upcoming vacation in the desert. Occasionally, he lost himself in the memories of his and Shepard's conversations. She did not only match his skills in combat, but in intellect as well. She had an interest in painting, poetry and reading. She seemed to enjoy the drell authors Thane had suggested to her. As for himself, he had been going through Ernest Hemingway's wast collection of novels. He didn't much care for them, to be frank.
Thane was brought out of his thoughts as he heard the door behind him open and the footsteps told him that Shepard had once more come to visit. The smile she always brought to his lips appeared once more. But as she sat down and leaned her forehead against the table, his smile faltered.
"Siha?" He asked, unsure on how to proceed. "Are you alright?"
"No." She muttered, her voice hard. "I just yelled at Jack for a good while."
"Oh." Thane couldn't really think of anything else to say.
Shepard was always restrained and had control of her feelings. It wasn't like her to lose control and yell at someone. Especially not someone from her crew.
"May I asked what happened?" He eventually asked.
"I'm just so fucking sick of her constant talk about how bad she had it, how nobody else understand, how everyone has used her, how she'll never trust anyone ever again... Like she thinks she's the only one with issues on this messed up crew. I know it was wrong to yell at her and I know that she still has scars from what happened, both mental and physical. And I know how she feels. I was the same when Anderson first took me that I was alone in being in pain, that no one else could ever understand how it felt to be betrayed. But I grew up. Moved on. I wish she could do the same. Right now, she feels like a liability. I can't have that. How can I bring her on missions while being scared she'll flip on one of us? That she can't control her biotics?"
Thane maintained a polite silence. It seemed like Shepard had bottled this up for too long and the pent up emotions were now being released in an explosive manner. And he was more than happy to listen to her rant, if it made her feel better.
"Am I selfish, Thane?" She looked up at him, her forest green eyes filled with a mixture of anger and sadness.
"No." Thane meant what he said. "It's understandable that you want your crew to be happy and functional. Perhaps yelling them into submission isn't the most successful method. However, I doubt conventional methods would work on Jack. I suspect something humans refer to as 'tough love' might be more effect."
"Hm." Shepard looked down at their hands that were now linked. Thane had barely noticed that he had cupped both of her hands. "I should go and apologise."
Jack was sat on her bed with her arms crossed over her chest and staring into the wall on the opposite of the wall. As Shepard descended the stairs, she attempted to determine what mood the younger woman was in. She certainly didn't want Jack to smear the walls with her.
"Hey, Jack." Shepard said softly. There was no answer from the other. "I just wanted to say-"
"You're right."
"I'm sor- Wait, what?" Shepard frowned deeply, for a moment wondering if she had heard wrong.
"You're right." Jack's expression and voice softened a bit. "My past can't control me. Subject zero is dead. She died with Teltin. I need to grow a pair and stop feeling sorry for himself. The past is in the past, or some shit like that."
"Oh." It was not Shepard's turn to be shell-shocked. "That's very... Mature of you, Jack. I'm proud."
"I'm never going to social or some shit like that. So don't expect that."
"You take what you can get with you, Jack." Shepard smiled. "I'll leave you alone now. But, I meant what I said. I'm proud of you."
"Hey, Shepard." Jack said and stood up just as the commander was about to leave. "I'd beat you in a pity war any day."
"Let's not go there..."
Thanks for reading!
I promise the next chapter is going to be nicer than the first two ones.
