Chapter 2: Getting Rid of Unwelcomed Guests
No more waiting. No more holding back. No more denial. Only truth can bridge the gap that must be closed once and for all. Relax. Chill. You can do this.
These were the thoughts going through two adolescent male porcupines as they walk into secluded sections of the forest with two adolescent female porcupines at noon. The boys have known the girls since they were 11 years old to now, and in that timeframe what started as hanging out became friendship. From friendship into secret affection. From affection to crushes. And from crushes to…well, that's what this was all about. Quillo is with Rachel and Emma is with Spike. Although each pair is separate from the other, both have similar exchanges of words.
Emma/Rachel: "So, why are we missing Dancing With the Stars for a simple walk? It's the season finale."
Spike/Quillo: "Oh, you'll find out soon."
The boys pause a bit before adding, "We've been through a lot together, you and me. We've done heists, helped with RJ and Heather's wedding and babysat their kids, spied on humans, played videogames, and not to mention surviving Verm-Tech."
Emma/Rachel (A little impatient): "Yes…You don't, like, have to tell me those things. I've lived them. So cut to the chase…"
Spike/Quillo: "Y'know that I think you're pretty."
Emma/Rachel: "Do you now?"
Spike/Quillo: "Of course. I mean, what's not to like? You're quills are, like, as white as snow, but also dark like a zebra stripe."
Emma/Rachel: "You're comparing me to a zebra?"
Spike/Quillo: "Why not? They're pretty to look at, elegant, and stand out among other animals…Like you do."
Emma/Rachel: "You think I'm all that?"
Spike/Quillo: "I know you're all that and more. And how sharp are they?"
Emma/Rachel: "Why don't you see for yourself?"
The girls turn so their backs are facing the boys who gingerly tap the tip of a quill with their pointer finger.
Spike/Quillo: "Whoa…That's, like, sharp enough to dent a rock."
Emma/Rachel: "Mom says I get it from dad…But I'm not as sharp as you are. And I'm not talking about the quills…"
It took a lot for Quillo and Spike to not blush, but they somehow manage.
Spike/Quillo: "That's…um, like…so…"
Emma and Rachel smile at how emotionally awkward they're causing the guy in front of her to feel. It is, after all, what girls do in moments like this. But they turn the tables on the boys' plans by taking charge of it themselves.
Emma/Rachel: "Just say you love me already, ya smoothie."
Quillo and Spike laugh. They don't even bother to ask how their respective girl knew. All that mattered was that they knew…...Rachel knew Quillo loved her and wanted to be her boyfriend as much as Emma knew Spike wanted the same. The boys just accept it. And now it's time to seal that acceptance.
Both boys wrap their arms around their lovers and kiss. Nothing could ruin this moment—
Until their kiss is cut short when they hear voices from the opposite side of the hedge.
Voice 1 (Masculine): "It's right over here."
Voice 2 (Feminine): "I don't know, Harry. The sign says 'No trespassing under state law.' "
Harry: "There's no fun to life without risks, Julia. It's not like there are cops patrolling or video cameras recording things behind here. And if no one of the law-abiding sees it, it's not illegal."
Note: By no means do I use that last sentence to justify breaking the law, and neither should you. It's used in the sense for minor things such as accidentally running a stop sign; accidentally running a red light that, moments before, was a yellow light; or accidentally walking on grass before seeing a "Do not walk on the grass" sign. You get where I'm going. We've all had moments where we use such mentality, myself included, but the bottom line is: All crimes, no matter how small and unintentional, should be avoided.
Julia: "Well…alright. C'mon boys!"
Voice 3 (Young and masculine): "Yay!"
Voice 4 (Young and masculine): "Picnic time!"
The porcupine teens quickly run away and get into hiding spots where they see four humans come in through a thin area in the hedge.
Rachel: "Let's go tell our parents and the others. They'll wanna know about this."
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Note: The rest of the chapter is based on the Over the Hedge comic strip dated September 10-14, 2013 and September 19, 2013
The human father and mother have a blanket they are sitting on as they get food out of a basket. One son is freely running around within eyesight of his parents, while a younger son plays with a toy car. All four are unaware that RJ is spying on them as he peeks his head through a bush on the top of a small hill overlooking the humans below.
RJ: "Not a picnic! They'll be here for hours…" (while straining to control his anger) "And they're in my favorite hammock-napping spot!"
Velma: "Not to mention they're breaking the law of invading the area meant to be untouched by human hands and feet."
Lou: "If we don't send them away, then other humans will think it's ok to come into our territory too."
RJ has not been listening closely to the other animal's observations—being too fixated on his napping spot being overtaken—but speaks as if he did. His anger replaced by resolve.
RJ: "Everyone, huddle up!"
The family rearranges themselves so that they are like a sports team gathered around RJ, their coach, in the center. They affirm and revel in his plans after every sentence.
RJ: "We're gonna have to do more than that to make them go back. We gotta scare the willies out of 'em. We need to traumatize them so much that they will be afraid to see cartoon animals for years, and real life ones for decades. We're not just gonna ruin their picnic, we're gonna take away their sense of dignity. We wanna see humans so broken and so emasculated—psychologically and physically—that they will not fear the law that they have broken. Oh no, they will fear us! Not to mention we get food that's already been brought into our midst."
Hammy: "Oh I can't wait!" (very quickly) "Yummy, yummy, yummy!"
RJ: "But it won't be easy, gang. It's gonna take everything we have to accomplish this task. We're gonna have to use every single object in my bag to make these humans regret trying to test Nature!"
Verne (who steps away from the group): "Hang on. There's a way to get rid of them with much less effort."
He pulls out a cell phone, and dials a number while everyone gathers around puzzled.
Verne: "You up for a picnic, your highness?"
The voice over the phone was as familiar as it was commanding, semi-British, and feminine.
Voice: "Will there be glory? Conquest? Treasure? Cocktail weenies?"
Verne: "All of the above, your highness."
The phone call ends abruptly as the other hedgies figure out who the identity of the person Verne was talking to…
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It turns out that the voice belongs to a queen fire ant wearing a miniscule crown of fruit á la Carmen Miranda. The phone is being held up by an ant who is about to fall from exhaustion, but he dares not do anything without his queen's order.
Queen Ant (while pointing with dominance): "We ride to battle! Fetch me my steed!"
Two of the queen's body guards look at one another and converse.
Guard 1 (looking at the other guard nervously): " 'Steed?' "
Guard 2: "Your turn."
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After three minutes since hanging up the phone, an army of ants marching in single file approaches the log of the hedgies. At the front of the line is a human fist-sized portion of an ant hill with the Queen Ant on top…and her "steed" carrying both the dirt and queen on his back. The steed takes the Queen Ant over to Verne and RJ who are in front of the others.
RJ (to Verne): "You're gonna have Izzie drive the picnickers away? Brilliant."
Izzie (turns to face RJ): "What did you just call ME, raccoon peasant?!"
RJ: "My apologies…Queen Izzie."
Izzie: "You just saved yourself from waking up in the middle of the night with my subjects covering your fur…And as for the humans: No one has a picnic without ants! ATTAAAAAAACK!"
The ants—including the small hill with Izzie on top—march onward in rapid succession. Tramp-Tramp-Tramp, Tra-Tra-Tramp-Tramp-Tramp.
Izzie: "The humans stand no chance! For we have the element of…SURPRISE!"
Unfortunately, the entire ant army, being very small, has not even gone past the log yet.
Verne: "This could take a while."
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Verne (while observing from the hill): "Izzie and the ants are almost to the picnickers."
RJ (impatient): "That only took two hours."
Heather: "No it didn't."
Bucky: "It was, like, 20 minutes."
RJ: "It felt like two hours."
Sarah: "Relax, RJ. You'll get your favorite nap spot back soon enough."
Ozzie (while moving dramatically): "Oh, I can't help but pity the humans just a little. Their anguish, their humiliation, their masculinity; gone. Far, far away shall thee flow from thy soul. Mine confidence: will thou be returned from whence you came? Or lost forever in a wind blowing far yonder unto the fleeting daylight?"
Rogan: "Ah for the love of dirt, don't go Shakespeare on us, Ozzie. I can't stand Shakespeare. He had no invention to his stories whatsoever. All he did was take his plots from old novels and throw their stories into dramatic shape with little thought or effort. Not to mention his plays are boring—subpar at best—overrated, uninspiringly predictable, clichéd, and use language that no one can understand because it was all dated as soon as the turn of the 18th century. His work is so out of touch with the modern times, no matter how many renditions there are, that it's ridiculous how humans still can't get enough of a guy who's such a bore."
RJ and Rebecca in unison (indignantly): "Dad…!"
Rogan: "Well he was."
Note: The first two sentences of Rogan's insult is based on a real quote by Lord Byron on William Shakespeare. The rest describes my personal feelings toward Shakespeare…Hate to sound too harsh for any Shakespeare fans, but we're all entitled to our own opinions, and I have never liked Shakespeare (and never will) despite the significant impact he's had.
Rogan suddenly notices his son and daughter are no longer looking at him, but something behind him...Something that causes a 31 year old and 15 year old raccoon to stare wide-eyed in fear.
Rogan turns around and becomes literally face-to-face with an Ozzie who looks so angry that it scares the non-existing pants off of the older raccoon.
Ozzie (dark and threatening): "Just one question, Rogan Sr.," (voice softens up back to normal) "Who's Shakespeare?"
The reaction on Rogan's face is one of utter shock, awe, and disbelief. As if he just found out he had a long-lost twin brother from outer space who wore clothes, spoke fluent English, piloted starships, and toted around comedically oversized guns as if they were light as a feather.
Rogan (matter-of-factly and mirrors his previously-described feeling): "…You've never heard of Shakespeare…?"
Ozzie: "How could I? I'm an opossum, and none of the books we've abducted have talked about this 'Shakespeare.' Is he an animal?"
Rogan (same tone as before): "He's the most famous human playwright who ever lived."
Ozzie still looks like he has no clue what Rogan is telling him.
Rogan (same tone as before): "You talk and act like someone from his plays all the time, and you're saying you don't know anything about Shakespeare?"
Ozzie: "Like I said before, I'm an opossum. Talking and acting dramatically is what I do; it's a species heritage that comes from mere instinct. But if what you're saying about this Shakespeare—silly name, by the way—is true, then it will take my dramatic acting to a whole new level!"
Everyone except Heather, Mary, and Bernard: "NOOOO!"
Rogan (regains composure): "Look, um, I'm sorry Ozzie. I've never really known a possum as long as you and just have to get used to your, 'heritage' I guess."
Tiger: "It will take about three years."
Ozzie: "No problem, Rogan. At least we get along better than most in-laws from the movies and TV shows we've seen."
Rogan smiles and nods in appreciation. Moreover, the conflict could not have ended at a better moment, for the ants have begun their assault.
Julia: "ANTS!"
Both sons: "Aaaaieghhhhhh!"
Harry: "They're all over the food! Get 'em off! GET 'EM OFF!"
RJ looks at his family, smiling as warmly as they are.
However, beyond the realm of human ears, several ants suddenly cry out, "RETREAT!"
Harry: "Huh?! They're leaving?"
RJ: "What?!"
When Izzie and the ants get back to the animals in only one minute—indicating that whatever menace they had encountered is worse than any anteater, ant killer, or water hose—the family asks in unison, "What happened?"
Izzie: "Verne. You lying, overgrown, sea monkey! You didn't say they would have chemical weapons!"
Verne: " 'Chemical weapons?' "
All ants in unison (in horror): "Tofu cocktail weenies!"
RJ (frustrated): "That's it! Now we're gonna do this MY way!"
RJ storms toward the humans.
Verne: "What are you doing?"
RJ: "I want my favorite nap spot back, pronto!"
Once Verne figures out what RJ will do to drive the humans away, he speaks in dread.
Verne: "No! You can't!"
Verne's plea falls on deaf ears as RJ now steps in front of the humans.
RJ (to the humans): "You can't understand my words, but you can understand my actions. So lookie here!"
All the humans watch wide-eyed with their mouth gaping open.
RJ: "Yeah, that's right…Walkin' on two legs! Talkin' through sign language! Addressin' you intently! Pret—ty frea—ky!"
The humans don't run, causing RJ to continue.
RJ: "I said—!"
Click, cli-click!
Much to the raccoon's discontent, three of the humans snap pictures of RJ on their cell phones. The raccoon can tell they weren't afraid of him, and walks back to the log. As soon as he arrives, Quillo pulls out his cell phone, and shows it to RJ.
Quillo: "30,000 views on YouTube in 10 seconds!"
RJ: "That did not go as I planned."
Verne: "You may have made things worse too, RJ."
RJ: "How so?"
Verne: "You walked upright in front of humans. You used sign language to speak to them. And they posted pictures and videos of you on the world-wide web!"
RJ: "Relax, humans don't believe that kind of stuff. They'll think it's all CG like everything is nowadays."
Verne: "The point is, they'll wanna come back more than ever now!"
Bernard: "We can become famous if Animal Planet comes in to do a documentary!"
RJ: "Nahhh! I bet Discovery Channel will pay more."
Knowing that logic will not win the battle, Verne does something he should have done a long time ago: Think like a raccoon.
Verne: "Forget it. Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get absolutely no privacy. Your life isn't your own. Just ask any celebrity."
RJ: "Can't do that."
Penny: "Why?"
RJ (in melodramatic loss): " 'Cuz I'm not famous."
Annette: "Um…The humans are still down there."
Lou: "Darn it all. What'll we do to make them go away?"
RJ: "We've tried ants, I've tried blowing their minds…What else could we do to scare them away for good and not risk retaliation?"
Hammy: "Pssssssst!"
When RJ looks, he sees Hammy with whipped cream out.
RJ: "Oh yeah, I forgot I had that."
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Hoped all of ya liked this entertaining chapter!
And let me make one thing clear about me using reviews as suggestions in my writing: I don't incorporate whatever anyone tells me to put in my stories; it has to fit my agenda for my stories.
So, Blu100-Jewel100, this story will remain K+ rated as there are no moments that would classify it as T. In light of the previous chapter, it's important to keep in mind that married couples and/or boyfriends and girlfriends hug and kiss to simply flirt and show affection, which was what RJ and Heather were doing in Chapter 1.
And while I am glad to have fulfilled the request of the Guest who posted the second review of this anthology by updating sooner than anticipated, my summer semester of college begins in four days and in those four I will be getting some R&R.
The next update on any of my stories could take a long time, but at least I'll have the other OTH stories on this website to read—both the old and new.
Farewell for now!
