Disclaimer: Not mine and probably just as well, I don't think there'd be quite so many Harry Potter fans if they saw some of the changes I would make...
AN: Okay, in my defence this is my first shot at writing a fic so bear with me here. Reviews much appreciated even if it's only to tell me I deserve to drown in a pool full of margarine for doing such a bad job...I'd prefer if you didn't say that though I'll take anything you give me!
Chapter 2: Memories And Flashy Dressing
"...James..."
James snapped. "Oh what now Moony?!"
"Are you sure that a lycra crop top and nylon shorts is the ideal outfit to sing a song to the love of your life in??..."
"Have you ever sung to the love of your life Moony?? Have you??"
"Well, no."
"Exactly!"
"But you've never sung to the love of your life before now either."
"I know but Padfoot's guaranteed me that this get-up will be a massive success."
"Prongs has it ever occurred to you he might have been lying and is just trying to make you look like a fool."
"Now you're just being ridiculous when has he ever lied to me??"
"Oh I don't know James how about the time he told you that for a joke he was going to send Snape an anonymous singing Valentine then signed it from you! Then Snape was giving you all those weird looks all the time I swear he winked at you! And the time he made you meatloaf then once you'd ate it told you it was your owl and you cried and -"
"Whooaaaaahhh! Stop right there mate, James Potter does not cry he merely allows the moisture levels of his eyeballs to rise sometimes, tears work wonders on dry complexions you know! Not that I have a dry complexion or anything..."
"...No...I didn't know, and I've not forgotten that you "allowed the moisture levels of your eyes to rise when Snape told you that he could sing better than you and that"
"Enough Moony! I trust Padfoot on this one"
"Oh come on James", sighed Moony who was exasperated now "when was the last time Padfoot wooed a girl by dressing like a German techno pop star!"
"I think he looks more like a trashy pole-dancing drag queen", said Peter thoughtfully.
"Don't be ridiculous Wormtail", snapped Moony "He's not wearing THAT much eyeshadow!".
James frowned and looked lost in thought "Well, I remember he was wearing a bikini one time."
"I was stretching it out for Laura Jenkins I told you guys!" whined Sirius emerging from the shadows.
"Padfoot..." began Moony "we don't know anybody called Laura Jenkins, which leads me to believe it is in fact a sly code for Sirius Black. Am I right?"
"Yeah actually", he replied not quite realising what he'd just said then he quickly went "The other Sirius Black...it's a common name you know..."
Remus stared at him "Padfoot, the only other people who could possibly share your name are relatives of yours who are now long dead."
There was a long silence before Sirius looked up slowly and in barely a whisper uttered "They're here in spirit Moony."
James interrupted." Guys do I look pasty??"
"Prongs, of course you do you're like a pint of milk! I mean I wasn't gonna say anything but now you've mentioned it thank Merlin! You look unwell!"
"Don't beat around the bush or anything Padfoot! I mean come on just say what you really think", cried James hysterically. "Never mind that you were meant to say 'why no James you're looking positively radiant, like an angel!' Don't be alarmed if you see me sitting in that armchair and it looks like I'm crying!" James wailed manically. "Don't be worried if it looks like tears are rolling down my face! The fire makes me sweat! That's all I'll be". He paused dramatically..." A Sweaty fire-face!"
"James, we can sort it mate", muttered Sirius uncomfortably
"How?! There's no time to get a tan it's been torrential rain for the last fortnight! The owls must be taking a battering out there!"
"You could still get burned James...", went Peter "the sun's out there right now...biding it's time, waiting for it's next victim, waiting to strike, it could be anyone of us, it could be McGonagall...or me, or Dumbledore or even ME! I'LL JUST BE WALKING ALONG AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW VASHOOM! MY FACE WILL BE ALL RED AND BURNY WITH FRECKLES SPREAD UNEVENLY OVER MY NOSE!!!" Peter began panting heavily and gulping like a fish.
"Pete...I doubt even the most experienced Healers at St Mungo's have ever had to treat a pregnant woman who breathed as heavily as you're doing right now. So shut up! Or I'll make you wear a bag!"
"Sorry Moony..."
"Hey Wormtail!"
"Hey Padfoot!"
"No you fruitcake I wasn't saying hi!"
"Well, I know you weren't you said hey."
"Never mind that! You're the colour of a tangerine! How'd you do it?"
"Well, " Wormtail then launched into an explanation about how it was a concoction he had formulated himself when he'd accidentally made the wrong potion by mistake and he was just saying how you had to apply it lovingly each and every morning when he was smacked in the face with something.
"Now really guys! Who throws a fairy cake?? Sirius is your face iced onto this?! That's amazing!" He crammed it into his mouth. "Wow! Who knew you tasted so good!"
"We're sorted pal!" cried Sirius slapping James on the back "all you've got to do is get some of Wormy's magic tanning formula on and you'll be a bronzed beach babe by dinnertime minus the speedos of course I won't have you being one of those pretty boys who's always flashing flesh and getting more attention than me.."
"Oh Padfoot", cried James who sounded completely reassured now "I love you more than a pregnant woman loves pickles!"
"Padfoot?"
"Yes my furry sweetheart?"
"If you don't like James flashing flesh then why have you stuck him in that ridiculous outfit?"
"I fail to understand what you're talking about".
"I think it's pretty clear..."
"Well I don't. I think you're going to need to clarify. Where exactly is this ridiculous outfit that James is wearing?"
"What do you mean where is it he's wearing it!"
Sirius chortled heartily before replying "Moony, fashions always changing, you just wait in the next couple of years this look is going to be colossal!"
"Everytime you lie Padfoot to me it rips another little bit of my heart out..".
"No matter, me and Prongs here will sacrifice Wormtail in the Forbidden Forest and rip out his heart and give it to you should occasion call for it!"
"Oh come on guys! Why my heart??"
"Because I need my heart to love Evans with and Padfoot here just doesn't have one!
"It's true" said Sirius nodding solemnly.
"Right let's get down to Slughorn's to get this tanning solution together!" said Remus knowing from experience that Peter would stupidly believe Sirius and Sirus would no doubt manage to convince that removing his heart was an ingenious idea.
"James, I think you should err...put on something a bit more appropriate."
"No worries Moony, It's not like I've got something outrageous like a navel piercing or anything."
"All the same mate at least get a cloak on."
A few hours later the boys were gathered round a cauldron in the Potion Master's room. "Is it ready??" James was feeling really agitated
"It is indeed my friend, your days of looking like Snape's twin sister are over!"
Remus passed over a beaker of the potion to James who gulped it down in seconds. Suddenly shocked looks appeared on the others faces. "Has anything happened yet? Oh god I don't look even more like a vampire do I?? Will somebody answer me?! shrieked James.
Suddenly unable to take it anymore Remus collapsed in a fit of hysterics "J-J-J James", he gasped "You-you look like", he was clutching his sides now "like an oompa loompa!"
"Is that some hideous species of bird?? Moony! Get off the floor stop hugging the table leg!! Do I look like a complete monster??"
"Oh nooo!" Peter shrieked girlishly. "I didn't mean to add orange juice!"
"Orange Juice!", screeched James "Orange Juice!"
Sirius stared at him "Well, at least be thankful Prongs, that's you sorted for Halloween, who else is gonna think to dress up as a giant pumpkin?? Though it's an obvious costume now that I think about it."
"Evans will never take me seriously now!"
Just then Professor Slughorn entered the room followed closely by Snape. "Boys! How are you all tonight? My, my James, someone's looking healthy! Lots of colour in the cheeks particularly I see! Excellent!
Snape sneered and his eyebrows shot up "What exactly are you wearing Potter?", he drawled "it look's exactly like -
"Like the kind of outfit I used to wear back in my hey day!", Slughorn said excitedly. "Well spotted Mr Snape!" He smiled reminiscently "Of course", he remarked "I'm not quite toned enough to carry off those skimpy outfits you young boys are wearing these days you scoundrels! And obviously", he continued, "we didn't have these flamboyant colours and materials back in my day we had to make our own out of whatever happened to be to hand, I do remember I had a nice leafy toga, it did chafe something awful though I had a terrible rash, it flares up now and again."
He signed fondly.
"You're a Quidditch player are you not James?"
"Yeah", James replied, beginning to recover now, "a chaser."
"Ahh, a fine position, of course where I came from brooms were big jokes so we enchanted logs instead. There's no feeling like it gentlemen, no feeling like it."
"We best be going now" said Remus with forced cheerfulness.
"Oh but I have a photo album I wanted to show you." He pouted. Ohhh no matter! Very well then off you go! Mr Snape I shall show you the photo album instead!"
A pained look appeared on Snape's face and he opened his mouth to say something but Slughorn just ignored him "Now never fear Mr Snape, we were a bit of a rowdy bunch my friends and I, this is when things got a bit out of control and we had a giant hopscotch tournament. Don't worry I'm not like that anymore, I think you lose the ability to balance well with ageā¦"
The Marauders slinked out the door. "Hey James..."
"What Wormtail?"
"I haven't actually heard your song for Lily yet how does it go?"
James suddenly started looking around wildly and began sweating heavily.
"Prongs you git! I'm drowning here! In a pool of your sweat! We need a mop or something!" exclaimed Sirius.
"James...you have wrote the song haven't you?", Remus asked slowly.
"Well...no. Not as such."
"Then what the heck were you planning on doing tonight?!."
"I had a dance routine!" said James a little defensively.
"I rated it 8/10 Moony", said Peter "He'd have scored higher but he couldn't get up off the floor for at least 15 minutes after he'd attempted the splits".
"Right..."
"Oh and his lunges were a bit scary"
"I see..."
"And you know I didn't think his jazz hands were all that to be honest."
"Peter if you don't shut up...I swear..."barked James.
"I did like your break dancing though and your beatboxing!"
"Moony you're a poetic soul help out an old pal, eh?" pleaded James.
"No..."
James pouted. "Moony...I'll hug you...and I won't let go I'll cling like a crab! I'm warning you!"
"Listen to him", said Sirius warningly "He doesn't even loosen his grip when you throw ash in his face! It's like he has mechanical hands..."
Moony sighed. "All right James", he sounded defeated "let's write Lily a love song."
