Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is pure parody. Tri-Fang Productions do not claim ownership of Lord of the Rings or The Vampire Chronicles – these products belong to their respective authors JRR Tolkien and Anne Rice.

Note: This story is far FAR from over and yes, we do intend to complete the entire book series. Yes, this will take a while. Yes, there will be bathroom breaks. If you stick with us, yes, we will make you laugh. *g*

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The Fellowship of the Fang

April 2003

By Lena, Kabuki, and the Vampire Phillip

Chapter I: A Long-Expected Party

            When Mr. David Talbot of Talbot Manor announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in the Shire.

            David was a very rich and peculiar type of hobbit, and had been the wonder of the Shire ever since he had returned from his great battle with the Dragon Amel, an evil force known for killing the Dwarven folk and stealing their gold nearly sixty years earlier.  The riches Mr. Talbot had brought back quickly made the resilient hobbit a local legend, and many were quite envious of not only his wealth but also his recently acquired perpetual youth.  Since his return from Lonely Mountain and his legendary battle with the Dragon, David hadn't aged a day, and many suspected it was the work of some strange foreign magic acquired during his adventures.  The notorious hobbit spent most of his time interviewing his relations that lived in the Shire, one of whom being his red-haired nephew Armand.

            A night or two before the party was to begin, a strange and dreaded visitor came to the quaint little town, and more specifically came to Talbot Manor seeking Mr. David Talbot himself.  An odd-looking wagon laden with odd-looking packages rolled up the gravel driveway that led to Tab End, driven by a lone man with a long pointy crimson velvet hat.

            Just as the wagon had entered the long driveway, a small ball of fiery red hair and fangs leapt from behind a stately oak. The horse reared, whinnying in surprise and startling the velvet-cloaked man. He jumped in his surprise, his hat falling away to reveal shimmering white-blond hair as he gently pulled on the reigns of the horse. When the beast was calmed again, the older man sighed. "Armand, you silly little Halfling. Must you be so precocious?"

            The red-headed hobbit crawled into the wagon, propping up his hairy feet as the wizard retrieved his hat, shaking the dust from the velvet. "Nice to see you too, Marius. I was wondering if you'd remember to come."

            Chuckling, the Red Wizard took up the reins again, resuming his ride into the village. "How could I forget, little one? I couldn't very well miss your Uncle David's eleventy-first birthday, could I?"

            "I suppose not."

            The wizard smiled gently. "And I dare say that missing my favorite young hobbit would have been a shame as well." Marius winked to the tiny halfling before continuing.  "You do realize, though Armand, that I returned to the Shire for several reasons."  Marius patted his side pocket with gentle affection, a strange gleam entering his eyes.  "I have brought with me the entertainment for your Uncle's birthday celebration for a finale that will be talked about for years to come.  I also have some other private business with David as well . . . but that will be revealed to you later."

            Armand leaned back in the carriage seat, pulling a few stray pieces of hay from his long red hair as he spoke. "Why can you not reveal these secrets to me now? Am I not trustworthy?" Marius had lit a match and was lighting his pipe, watching Armand from the corner of his eye as he puffed thoughtfully. The young hobbit sighed. "I've noticed Uncle David acting strangely as of late. He seems distracted and wholly unlike himself."

            The crimson wizard exhaled, sending a fleet of smoke ships into the air where they melted into the golden afternoon light. "I'm sure I've no idea what you mean, Armand, but if you like I shall question David on the matter; however time is now of the utmost importance. There is much to do before tonight's event."

            The small hobbit made an exasperated sound and kicked the carriage lightly. "Fine, keep your secrets."

Marius harrumphed indignantly before continuing. "I also have brought along a special gift for David, known as Lemmiwinks. He's a magical creature that is well known for its ability to travel through vast obstacles and also for the loyalty he displays towards his master.  I think David is in need of a pet, even though the years have been kind to him… I feel this, "eternal youth" of his cannot last forever, and hopefully this gift will be comforting to him in his old age."

            Armand grew saddened by this knowledge.  Truly he'd heard the rumors that his Uncle David had acquired his youth through some type of magic, but it had never actually occurred to him that his Uncle could grow old.  His train of thought was broken when he saw a small fuzzy head poke out of Marius' pocket.  Its black beady eyes stared at him in curiosity as its nose twitched. "It looks like an ordinary gerbil to me, Marius."

            The crimson wizard chuckled, never taking his eyes from the dirt path before him as he guided the steps of his horse. "Magical beasts have that particular quality, young Armand, which allows them to blend in with their surroundings. But you may think of little Lemmiwinks as a simple gerbil if it pleases you. Such matters are really quite trivial in the greater scheme of things."

            Armand laughed at the wizard's odd humor.  "You know, Marius, you've been labeled as a disruptor of the peace around here.  I don't think giving Uncle David a magical creature will improve your reputation."

            "Yes, perhaps," Marius added with a twinkle in his eye.  "But the day drags on, my dear Armand and I have to get to your Uncle's house before it comes dark."

            "Yes, yes, of course, my good friend!  Do say hullo to David for me."  And with that Armand hopped off the creaky wagon and waved once before racing off back into the Shire.  Marius chuckled softly to himself and took a long draught on his pipe as the wagon moved down the narrow dirt pathway to a large hill in the distance.  The time was about two o'clock, nearly teatime by Marius' standards, and he pulled his wagon aside and dropped down to the dusty walkway, pulling out his staff.  Upon the wooden fence that surrounded the large grassy hill, a makeshift sign was hung that read – INo admittance, except on party business/I.  Marius smiled to himself and moved on through the squeaky wooden gate.  With three raps upon the circular wooden door, he waited patiently for a response.

            "No relatives, old or new, no matter how closely related you think you are!"  David's clipped British accent answered through the wooden door.  At least David claimed it was British, but Marius had never heard of such a language and simply assumed it was David's strange, quirky humor.

            "Not even old friends?" Marius responded with a smirk.  Almost immediately, the door swung open to reveal the short little hobbit.  His brown hair curled quaintly around his head and an intricately carved wooden pipe was clenched firmly in his mouth, the slim smoke rising in tiny wisps around his kind and gentle face.

            "Marius!"  He cried, and flung his arms out to wrap the crimson wizard in a tight hug.  "Marius, my good boy!  What a great surprise!  By George, I had no idea you would be by for my birthday.  Oh, come in, come in!"  With his typical brisk mannerisms, he pulled Marius in through the doorway.  Unfortunately, he had quite forgotten Marius' height doubled his own, and a dull thump shook the wooden frame as a red, pointy hat fell to the ground.

            "Ooh!" Marius cried as he put a hand to his forehead and staggered back a few steps.  David, realizing a bit too late his mistake, rushed to wrap an arm around his tall friend and quickly picked up the fallen hat.  "I shall need to affix this to my head if current events are any indication of the future," Marius mumbled to himself, and walked in through the doorway.  He heard the door close behind him and then smelled the stewing tea from the kitchen.  "Is it tea time already, my good friend?"

            But David wasn't paying attention. From his pocket he had fished a tiny glittering piece of jewelry, a trifle really, the Ring of Invisibility. Marius recognized it as the one David had found in the depths of the Misty Mountains, but something was strange. The tiny hobbit was staring at the ring enraptured, his eyes large and glistening with emotion, his mouth turned up in a crooked smile. Marius raised one blond eyebrow and approached his friend. "David?"

            David didn't respond. He lifted the ring to his lips, kissing it. "My dearest, darling, precious . . ."

            "David, what –"

            "So pretty! So beauteous!"

            Marius placed a hand on David's shoulder, but then his friend turned, shrieking, "GET AWAY!"

            Marius took a step back, then clenched his jaw and dealt a sharp blow, slapping David hard enough across his cheek to throw him across the room. He collided with a bookcase, the novels tumbling over his head. "That's enough, David. Get a hold of yourself!"

            "You stupid old fool . . ."

            Marius approached his friend, grasping him by his pale shirt and hoisting him up to his own eye level. "David, think about what you say."

            David blinked, his eyes glazed, and then he seemed to break the spell. "Oh… oh…"

            Marius settled his friend into a chair, taking a nearby armchair for himself. David held his head in his hands, sobbing. The ring fell to the floor with a dull thunk, but was quickly retrieved by its sobbing master.