I refused to make eye contact with him. I had disappointed him yet again and there was no excuse I could pull on him that he would believe, no, "I think I'm coming down with something", or "I am really stressed with all that's happening right now", there is only one thing I could say to him right now.

"I'm sorry."

I stood and started walking away when he said, "That's okay." I expected a "Go have dinner and get some sleep, we will be starting training again in the morning." or "This is not good enough, before we go outside that wall I want you to be ready." but no, a simple that's okay. He knew I was struggling, and he respected that in a way. I was supposed to conquer my fears but how do I conquer simple principles. I couldn't stand being held back, I couldn't stand it when I had no say in where my life would lead. These weren't really fears they were more morals then anything.

I sat down next to Christina with my sad plate of instant mashed potato, she still hated me quite a bit but she was trying to put that behind us. She looked at me, "Still no luck?" I shook my head. She was going through roughly the same training as me, she had been having better luck then me but she was stuck as well. She had more fears than I did but she was working faster through them, she had a few fears of material matter, stuff like jellyfish and wasps. But the one that she just couldn't budge was a fear of being alone. This fear was her core; it controlled the way she acted, what she said and did. It controlled her characteristics, like the part of her that stayed Candor when she switched to Dauntless, how she stayed honest because she saw it as the only way to see who she should let into her life. How is someone supposed to delete the sane part of themselves. But what Christina feared was not being lonely, she feared not having anyone loyal by her side, someone she could trust, how does someone ignore their own instincts.

I dragged my fork through the watery consistency, I remember as a little girl I would pretend I was a farmer ploughing the fields ready for the next crop to grow. But thinking about my childhood just threw up to many feelings into my throat, so I didn't linger on the vivid memories too long, because it made me think about another one of my fears, being forced to shoot my family.