Chapter 2

The maternity ward and NICU at Children's Hospital is a surprisingly quiet place. I don't know if it's soundproofing, or if they just don't have many customers today, but I was surprised by the lack of noise. I didn't have to look far for Elyse; she was standing at the nurse's station, a phone cradled between her ear and shoulder, and a baby cradled in the other arm. She acknowledged me with a wave, and ended her phone call.

"Lieutenant Casey! I'm so happy you decided to come!" she smiled, and I admired how grandmotherly her warm welcome was.

I smiled back at her. "Hey, it's not every day you get a personal invitation to volunteer at a place like this. I'm here to serve… what do you need me to help with?"

She showed me to a room just to the side of their nurse's station, and led me to a sink. "First things first, I'll let you wash your hands, and put a gown on over your clothes," she directed, pointing to the stack of light yellow paper gowns I had often seen Hallie don over her uniform in the ER. I obliged, as Elyse went to a baby bed and laid down the infant she had been holding. She came behind me to assist in tying the gown's strings.

"Your duties are really pretty simple. These babies need to be held and loved." I smiled, and felt a small lump rise up in my throat, which I did my best to hold back. "It's kind of a sad tale, but their mothers have given them up for adoption. Usually it's very easy to place newborns for adoption almost immediately; however, these are children whose birth fathers have not been identified or found, and therefore, their rights have not been legally terminated. The fathers *could* stake a claim, but they rarely do. However, couples who are adopting are very leery about taking home a child that they might not be able to keep. We have foster parents who will take them eventually, but many either have full homes, or age limits for the children they'll accept. So these babies get to camp out here, until DCFS gets the ball rolling."

I looked around the room, and counted six of the clear plastic hospital bassinets with infants in them. My heart sank, imagining the parents who had given them up. Were they sad? Relieved? Heartbroken? I couldn't imagine making the choice they had made. I looked back at Elyse and nodded my head.

"Okay… where do I start?" I smiled a little nervously.

She pointed to a really plush looking glider rocking chair. "See that chair? That's where most of our volunteers camp out. We try to keep the babies on a rotation, so they all get some love, but we also go with who's fussing the most. This little guy," she said as she walked to a bassinet, "has needed a lot of extra attention."

I walked to her side, and watched as she showed me how they swaddle the babies in a blanket, to make them feel more secure. She then picked him up and handed him to me. I was momentarily transported back to the tiny weight in my arms at the pile-up accident. So tiny, and yet so precious.

"Hey…" I said to the little person, who was indeed pretty fussy. But even as I gently swayed, moving toward the rocking chair, he started to settle down. At a small table by the side of the rocker, Elyse set a pacifier, a small towel, and a bottle of water for me. She explained what the burp towel was for, and I thanked her for the water.

"If you get tired of holding them, just take them back to their beds. If they need changing, you're welcome to help, but let me know, because we have to log everything they do." I nodded understanding.

"And if you want, we'll let you help with feeding them. There are a lot of bottles to go around, and it gets kind of busy in here when bottle time comes. We try to keep them on a rotating schedule, but it's a challenge some days, when they all want to eat at once." I smiled, and told her I'd be more than happy to help with that.

I sat with my new little friend, and began to gently rock. It was impossible for me not to start imagining what this would be like one day, with my own child. What would this little guy's future be like? Would he like to throw the football around? Or maybe he would be artistic, drawing all over with sidewalk chalk. Would he love reading? Or would he want to build things with blocks and Legos? It was incredible, imagining all the possibilities, and wondering what it would take as a parent to provide opportunities for your child to develop and grow, but not to limit them or box them into a chosen ideal because of what you did or did not offer them. I couldn't be burdened by the thought, I was only excited and inspired by the possibilities.

Hallie didn't want this with me. That still made me sad. But the more I thought about these children without families, the more I realized how important it was to have a family with someone who really wanted a family, too. It didn't take the hurt away, but it did help me realize that I'm probably not the only person my age wanting to have a family someday. It was daunting to imagine starting a new relationship with someone, but it seemed so essential to me. My task was clearer than ever.