Fuck it. Second chapter devoted to Dead Turtle. Thanks, smartass, you gave me a reason to actually try to see this piece of shit to the finish, just to prove that I can. Sopan dikit napa, gan?

And in honor of ZUN, I'll be writing this while hammered.

PS: OOC warning.

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Chapter 2: The Shrine Maiden of Paradise and The Death Dealer of White Agony Creek. Also, Yukari.

And…a soft landing. For my first unaided flight, that went quite smoothly. Well, the first flight aided by a little girl, at least.

"You okay, princess? No dislocated shoulder?"

"Yes, brother, I'm fine."

We've landed at the base of a fairly-old looking shrine on top of a hill. The place looks like it's held up pretty well, but it does have some unnaturally placed broken board here and there, almost like there's a localized natural disaster just recently. But I know better not to ask. I glance towards the far corner, where there sit's a dusty donation box, which makes me remember that I don't know what kind of currency this society are running on. Got to remember to ask later. (A/N: seriously though, what currency does Gensokyo running on? Yen?)

In normal circumstances, I would try to donate or at least bring a gift, since a happy host would usually gives a better deal. But sod, I don't see a bank on the way here.

I turn back towards Reimu who's eyes shine with a slight hope, which actually make me feels like an ass.

"Sorry, I don't have any yen money…or whatever currency you can use."

This sideway comment makes her slight blush considerably brighter. "Ah…no, it's not like I'm hoping…oh, forget it!" Reimu quickly makes for the sliding door entry.

"Che cazzo, brother."

What? What did I say?

Regardless, the miko gestures for us to come inside. Shrugging to myself, I oblige, stopping before heading in. My sister close behind.

I drop Bianca at the doorframe, we took our shoes off and step in. the entry room being a small rectangular area with those paper-esque walls and a round little table in the center. It's no five stars hotel, but it is quite cozy, giving the aura of traditionalism. You can always use traditionalism, like Katana from Japan, Keris from Indonesia, and Kukri from Nepal. As long as you can stab people with it. Wait, I'm talking nonsense again.

Reimu sits at one side of the table and waits for us to do the same. Of course, being a (very) traditional Japanese themed living room, I don't expect to see a chair, but I expect to see something else in the room besides, you know, a single table.

My sister apparently doesn't have such though, as she immediately sit in front of Reimu like a good girl.

"Are you not going to sit?" ask Reimu, a little bit more monotone than I would like, but eh.

"Nope, I'll just stand, thank you. It helps me think."

"Suit yourself."

"Ah, sorry, He's being impolite. My brother is just that kind of a person, you see. He does whatever he wants."

"Hey, come on princess…"

"But it's true, right?"

Well, can't deny that. Anyway, there's no need to use that glare on me.

"It's fine with me, but…" Reimu then look at me with those calculating eyes of her, clearly examining my worth as a person. "Doing whatever you want, huh? I can see why Yukari has taken interest in you."

Well, no. there's a high possibility, though I can hardly believe it myself, that the reason she has taken interest in me is because a certain…traffic accident.

"Wait." demand my sister suddenly. "I don't like it how I've been locked out of the loop so far, what any of this has to do with this 'Yukari' person?"

"Ah, yes. I'm sure you have a lot of question."

"We do require some basic intel, yes. For example, the girl that chased me and Karen…she wasn't human. But she does fly and has long canines, is she a vampire?"

"You are pretty perceptive, aren't you? No, she's not a vampire. But she does work for a vampire. That girl was Hong Meiling, gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and she is a youkai."

"Okay, youkai, a classification of Japanese were-beasts and supernatural beings. got it."

"Wait, you're going to just accept that, brother?"

"Yes. Don't worry, I got this."

"O…kay. If you say so."

Whether or not she's telling the truth or not is of little importance right now. And the fact that I'm legally insane helps. It much, much easier to think about all the possibilities when your mind doesn't go in a straight line.

So, Youkai. I can accept that.

"You…are a very interesting person indeed." Reimu stares at the ceiling before continuing. "Truth is, this place -Gensokyo- is mainly for them, Youkai, not humans like us."

Wait, you're human? She makes eye contact with me again.

"I'm sure you've heard stories. Fables, myths, of monsters and inhuman beasts and mortal-bodied gods? I can tell you right now, nearly every one you've been told to be imaginary exists, and the bulk of them are here."

Damn. And I'm wearing my finest suit too. I'm turning into Artemis Fowl here. And if tooth fairy exists, I should start digging graves.

"From my understanding, it became too hazardous for Youkai to remain in the outside world. Human intuition and technology were increasing to a point where if they wanted to go on a widespread hunt and kill of what inhumans remained, they could manage it. …If this sounds far-fetched, the story was told to me by a questionable source. Though it's possible. You should know we seek to destroy or control those who are different than us." I nod at that. A very true statement. That's the reason why I got rich in the first place. Humanities in general just simply want to kill each other. Even parents and their children. Especially parents and their children. Providing the means to fulfill that desire is just another business for me.

"…Then again, Youkai are so carelessly chaotic, it shouldn't be too surprising mankind saw them as their enemy. Anyway, what Youkai available were gathered together in this section of Japan, and separated from the outside world by a certain someone of their own kind. A godlike being, like those I mentioned earlier."

"Yukari?"

"Yes, Yukari."

"Princess, are you following?"

Karen just sitting there wide eyed, probably wondering if she's the insane one, or that the world has gone insane. Personally, I think it was both.

"This is too much crazy for me. I think I'll just, go outside and take in some fresh air. Or shoot myself."

"I suggest the former."

And with that, my sister is off.

"So, this place is called Gensokyo…and it is a place for youkai that has been banished from the outside world."

"That's the basic of it, yes."

"There's no human here? Beside us, I mean."

"Not quite. There's a large quantities of human concentrated in the human village."

"Ah, for food?"

Silence.

"You know, for a human from the outside world, you sure are taking it easy."

"What can I say? I'm just that kind of a person."

"Right. Anyway, no. food stock is not what Yukari has in mind when she decided on bringing human in Gensokyo."

"So?"

"She did that on a whim."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, that is what she said, anyway, that she did that on an impulse, that she decided to have humans live here. Of course, this kind of coexistence is, for the most part, absolutely impossible. Only a select few types of Youkai can resist attacking humans for fun or food, let alone befriending them. And even then, they only respect those with power."

Reimu makes a grim smile. It somewhat creeping me out.

"Part of the reason my profession became necessary. It's the Hakurei shrine maiden's job to keep Gensokyo in check. Go around and solving incidents with the power of the border that keeps this place stable."

"Ah, so you're like, some kind of police?"

"A what?"

"A peacekeeper, an upholder of the law."

"Heh, I wouldn't call myself a peacekeeper, but I did make the spell card rule."

"Spell card rule?"

"That's the basic rule of engagement on any fights that involves two creatures of considerable power. You can call it some sort of power limiter to keep the collateral low."

"I see."

"And it also allows people to challenge me without fear of killing me."

Eh? Why is that such a big deal?

"Elaborate, please?"

"The Great Hakurei Barrier, which separates Gensokyo from the outside world, is directly linked to the Hakurei bloodline. So if I die, Gensokyo is no more."

"So, your existence sustains the entire, err…universe?" well, this universe, anyway.

"Yes."

"My, such a huge responsibility."

"Precisely" Reimu smiles smugly.

"And risky. Have you found the right man yet?"

"Of cour-excuse me?"

"Well, seeing that the continuation of your bloodline are so vital, it is only natural that you make some sort of precaution, am I wrong? Something like an arranged marriage, maybe?"

At that moment, I realize that I have said something very, very offensive, as Reimu's face become as red as her clothing, and her expression is turned into murderous rage.

"I'm sor-"

THWACK!

My, not even a chance to apologize. Aw, my nose.

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

Unbelievably fast, Reimu has moved from a sitting position to being prepared to hit me the second time, which I barely dodged.

"Okay! Okay! I respect your independence as a woman or whatever, just put down that gohei! figlio di puttana, lady! No need to hit me so hard!"

"Silence!"

Reimu makes a swinging motion with her religious club, which I somehow blocked with my left wrist.

Crack!

Well, there goes my IPod.

"Brother! What happened!?" the sliding door exploded open, revealing my sister's concerned face.

"Ah! Hello princess! Nice of you to be joining us!"

Reimu use that slight distraction to try stabbing me in the face. With a stick.

I dodged it by an inch. "Hey! Don't worry about it, okay? A strong woman can choose whenever he wants to get married, isn't that right, Karen?"

"Hey! Don't bring me into this!"

Another stab, this one aiming for my torso, which I dodged flawlessly. If the definition of 'flawless' is almost got pierced by a blunt object.

"Shut! Up! It's not like I want to!"

"Why? You can't find a mate?"

"AAAARRRGH!"

Crap. What happened to me? I usually have enough common sense to know when to keep my mouth shut. But ever since I came here, I just can't help but instantly blurted out what first comes to mind. But certainly the law of gravity doesn't apply here, so I don't think common sense applies either.

Let's recap. Calling someone 'China' almost got me killed, inquiring a woman about their state of affair is in the process of getting me killed, so that means that here, the slightest argument could led into a murder trial. The people sure seem to be easily aggravated. Sensible argument doesn't seem possible.

Which means it is likely that no matter how many points I took on boosting "charisma" and "intelligence", I will always fail a speech check.

Reimu was just about to hit me again when a deep, womanly voice comes from somewhere in the room.

"My, my, is it getting hot here, or is it just you two?"

It was that woman. The woman in purple dress. Somehow without any of us noticing her presence, she had spawned right behind my sister.

"Pezzo di merda! Where you came from!?" shouted my sister, jumping back in surprise.

"Wow, I'd say you are less polite than your brother, if not for the recent…accident."

She then gives me that 'you smashed me with a plane' look. Hey, that was an accident.

"Yukari!" shouts Reimu, her face looks even more angry than when she was trying to stab me with a stick.

"Aww, there's no need to shouts, dear, I won't be here for long. Now, would you be nice and provide your guests with some tea?"

"Sorry, guest, but I've run out as of this morning." Reimu answered with a hint of sarcasm as subtle as a Nigerian prince. "Of course, you are more than welcome to run to the human village and get some yourself. Or don't you want your tea?"

"Nevermind, never mind, I'm finding myself not as thirsty as before." Yukari smirks "I suppose you should stick around anyway. This may concern you, too. Fu-fu-fu…" That airy chuckle sounds again. Damn. This girl is trouble, I just know. Maybe it's because she laughs like a Disney villain, but this woman feels like someone who knows what she doing, and will always get what he wants.

Kind of like me, actually.

"Miss Yakumo."

"Mister Aquila."

"Umm…I see that you have another set of that dress."

"No thanks to you. You owe me an umbrella." Yukari waves her long, purple parasol, which she held in her right hand. This particular gesture makes me aware that she's holding something else in her left hand. A duffel bag.

"Would you mind holding this for me? It's quite heavy."

"Hmm? Sure." It does look big, but by the way Yukari holding it, it doesn't look so heavy.

"Catch!"

WHAMB!

"Caramba Cuño!"

Thud!

Right, super strength. Forgot about that.

"Was that Spanish?"

"Yes. My brother can swear in twenty different languages. Here, let me lend you a hand."

My sister pulled me from under the duffel bag, which somehow weights like a mountain. Or an entire armory.

"Ugh, thanks, princess. Merda, what's in that?"

"You should know, that was from your own vault."

Confused, I open the zipper, and greeted by the view of…a staircase?

What is this? There is a huge room inside this comparatively small duffel bag? It well lit too, because I can see a lot of wooden crates inside, of various sizes and coding. This thing has electricity?

I was just about to ask "what the flaming fuck" when Reimu untimely joined the conversation.

"Yukari, I need an explanation, now. Why did you drag these people here?"

"Patience, dear. And it's not necessarily that I 'drag' them here." Yukari makes an air quote, and gives me another one of that 'you smashed me with a plane' looks. Her sharp, yellow eyes make me subconsciously reached for my sunglasses just to hide from that demonic glare.

"Ah, but back to business." She clasps her hands on the table returning her focus to me, sounding a bit more serious. "As you've been told, you are currently inside a world different from your own."

"An acceptable fact."

"Say it for yourself."

"Hey, come on, princess. In our line of work, one needs to consider all possibilities!"

"What line of work?! We are gun smugglers! Not Ghostbusters!"

"An acceptable point."

"Ara~. Now, now, no need to fight. You see, Gensokyo, my little slice of paradise, has been going about a good two hundred years."

"Sure. Go on. You got our attention."

"Ugh, you're speaking for yourself again."

"Mister Aquila, as you've been told, I typically keep the outside and inside of Gensokyo separate. However, some time ago, the aspect of immigration crossed my mind. It's been a few seasons since the last incident, So, I decided that it's a good time for some trial period. Scout out an ideal subject, place them in here, and watch how their lives are lived out. If this succeeds, I might decide to balance out the human-youkai ratio a touch better with some new blood.. (Ah! I see! Because inbred doesn't make for a good snack?) And you two…" she points at me, then at Karen. "…has volunteered to be the first candidate for my little pet project."

"No we didn't."

"Yes you are. I was going to look around for a more suitable candidate. Preferably one with a A sub-par living space, a dead end career , and virtually no interaction with friends or family. Someone that wouldn't miss or be missed by the world. But then, you came to me."

Hey! Don't give that look again! dammit! It's not my fault that I don't know how to fly an Airbus!

Well, okay. So it is my fault. Somewhat.

"Did you guys really volunteered for this?" asked Reimu.

"Of course not!" lashes Karen.

"Well, then…"

*SMACK*

That looks like it hurt, even if Yukari didn't budge.

"Yukari," Reimu growls, lowering her weapon, "just what are you playing at, here? You abducted people, essentially discarding their life because you felt like it?"

"My goodness," Yukari rubs the left side of her head where a budding bruise has formed nicely, "it's not like you to get so worked up for others."

"And you." Yukari turned her attention back to me. "Whether you like it or not, the world is a better place without you."

Ouch. That is so sudden. And that hurts.

"It hurts…because it's true." Mutters Karen, seemingly reading my mind.

"Thought…I really liked what you did to China."

Uu~. That one's not my fault. Google told me to…

"So, let me list it here. You've been called 'Death dealer of White Agony Creek, dealing illegal weaponry from Dawson all the way to Glasgow. You are responsible for the deaths of thousand of men and women during the 'September of Ashes', although not directly (not proud of that one myself. If I knew what those British men are up to…I should charge more.) You've been busy in Africa, too. Stimulating civil war just so you can sell surplus APCs and SAMs. You have a front company that sells toys for children, but its primary function is to manufacture weapons of your own design. Your sister her…" she switches her gaze to Karen. "…is quite an engineer."

"I don't know if I should be flattered."

"Also, you've been called 'The True Blight of Arm Industry' for selling such quantity of high level firearms at such low price. Every time you go to USA, the Stock value of Glock went down by twenty percent."

Hehe.

"You choose an odd time to laugh, brother."

"Glock Stock. It rhymes."

My sister simply sighed. "As usual, I don't understand your sense of humor."

"Hey, one needs to enjoy life to the fullest, right?" because as AlfredBernhard Nobel once said: 'The world is cruel and unforgiving. And it hates you.'

"Want me to continue?" Yukari finally says. And I see that Reimu settles for simply leaning against a wall and listening to our conversation. She probably thinks that whatever Yukari about to do to me, I deserve it.

"Er..no lady Yakumo. Point taken. This place seems interesting. Heck, maybe it could even be fun. So we help a while, and you send us back, fair deal."

"Brother!"

"Hey, it's not like we got choices here. Right, lady Yakumo?"

"The answer to that is 'yes' and 'no'"

"Excuse me?"

"You will be staying here, but I won't let you go back. I can't make an accurate call if you quit partway through, can I?"

I exchange gaze with my sister.

"Huh, it seems like we are going to die here?" I tease a bit, somehow manage to hide my own frustration.

"You." She says, it is unclear whether she's talking to me or Yukari. "Are asshole."

"err…right, anyway…" I back to Yukari. After all, I need as much information as I can gather. "Wassup with the bag?" I said, pointing at the unzipped bag near my leg. You can barely see a bit of light escaped from the mysterious lighting of the room inside it. "What is it? A time and relative dimension in space?"

"Well, it's actually closer to a four dimensional pocket."

And I feel like an old Japanese man for understanding that reference.

"You didn't accept my previous gift, so I'd just give that to you."

"Previous gift?"

"The sword."

"Ah, sorry, I panicked." Still, I kind of feel like a rude asshole.

"Che, and that was a very special sword, too. Anyway, just think of anything stored in there, and it'll be sent to your hand."

"Thanks. That's convenient."

"The bag itself is also very strong, and has a lot of special function that you can learn as you go. I've handmade it." She claimed, with the not subtle hint of pride.

Really? It looks like factory quality for me. But whatever, that's not important right now.

"So, Mister Aquila, do we have a deal here?"

Oh, sod the multiverse.

"Sure, we have a deal."

"Ukh." Karen seems like she's about to say something, but refrain to do so.

"Good. Cooperate a little, and I'll see you a smooth ride through, hm? We'll speak more tomorrow. Until then," She opens the door to the shrine and steps out into a waiting gap, "take care!" A zipping noise, and the odd woman is gone.

"…Huh." Reimu finally speaks. "That was about the most outgoing way I've ever seen her behave towards…well, anyone." A slight smile crosses her face. "Perhaps that hag is getting her act together."

*POP*

Yukari pops out again. Upside down. At the ceiling. It's Yukari on the ceiling. I hereby confirmed that the world has gone officially insane.

"Whoopsy! Almost forgot. Reimu, they'll be staying here. A longer exposure to serving a guest should help you remember to keep more tea around. Bye, now!" Her head darts back in, and she is gone. For a solid minute, there is silence.

"Um…Miss hakurei?"

" YUKARIIIIII!"

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Author rant: yes, it's still suck. And I'm still doing this for fun.

Anyway…

Surfing around the WMG section of TV tropes often can gives you some crazy idea.

For example, Youmu and Rinnosuke, both half human, have white hair. Sakuya has white hair.

Sakuya often depicted with glowing eyes when in serious mode, same can be said for both Remilia and Flandre.

Thus, Sakuya is a Dhampyr.

Plot point, GET!