The point of no return – part 2
"Calm down Addison… there will be a way. You could take them with you to California."
"Actually she can't. There are some basic rules. First of all you have to prove here in New York that you are able to take care of the kids before you can leave the state. Afterwards we will get through the adoption process but I will have to … I don't know how to explain this." He finished and handed a letter to Addison.
"Dear Addison and Derek,
When you read this letter something has happened to us and you two need to deal with our miracles, Oliver and Lillian. We didn't decide it easily, knowing that we would give you a hard time dealing with the fact that we made you parents, from one second of the other. There were no other options for us, only the two of you.
We don't want you to slip up the kids. Those were created to live in a family and Weiss and I ask you to give that to them. A family, parents.
Our attorney McGregor knows families who also want kids and are willing to give them a family with two loving parents. He will have a close look on the two of you because we only want the best for our kids. If you say now that you cannot deal with it, let Mr. McGregor know and he will put the kids into a loving family.
We know that we ask for a lot. We know that the two of you probably moved on but the two needs a save place, lot's of love …."
Addison put the letter down, headed to the window and leaned against it; tears were running down her cheeks.
"Where are they now?" Derek asked McGregor.
"Derek we can't, we can't. How do you think we should handle it?" she said hysterically.
"They are at my place at the moment staying with a nanny but I can't do that for much longer. I hoped that you could take them with you today because they need to settle down."
"I can't", she repeated, "I can't."
Derek didn't move to her but went with McGregor to a separate room. "I know that this situation is hard on you, I told the Andrews that they should talk to you before writing this into their last will but they said that you would be able to deal with it, if ever needed. Seeing Ms. Montgomery now makes me doubt it."
"I know," Derek said with a sigh afterwards, "I will talk to her. When do you need our decision?"
"Now, would be nice, since I haven't been able to reach you for the past couple of weeks."
"Oh well. I have one question. How strict are the rules to play? I live in Seattle, she lives in Los Angeles, we moved on."
"Unfortunately I have to tell you that I can't give you a lot of space. They wrote it in their last will very clearly. This was only the letter which was meant for you. The will sets the rules in a very concrete way." Derek was only able to nod and asked McGregor to give them some privacy.
"Addison, sit down here, we need to talk". Without any further comment she sat down and stared at him, her eyes completely empty. "We can deal with it. We just have to make a plan."
"I can not. How do you want me to do that? Play house with Meredith? No, Derek, you can't ask for it, it is simply too much." He nodded. "Maybe, Addison, you can move to Seattle?" "Why don't you move to Los Angeles," she replied harshly, "why does it have to be me moving north again? I moved once after you and now I should do it again?"
She had made her point and she was right. Why should she go after him again, do as he asked her? He had never spend a thought on going to Los Angeles and he hadn't yet spend a thought on how to tell Meredith about all that, telling her that he lied to her? Going to Los Angeles would mean that Meredith would have to move with him and that would end in lots of arguments.
"Maybe we should take one step at a time? They want us to show that we can handle babies here in New York. It means that you would have to call Naomi and I have to call Richard to tell him that we need some more time off."
"Derek, I am not sure if I can handle babies. I don't know if I can take care of a baby. They ask for too much."
"No, they don't. I know this comes like snow in August but Addison, they trusted us to take care of their kids. Do you want them to spend the rest of their live with foster parents? I don't. I know how much a family means. I also know Addison," he said softly, touching her shoulder," that family is a hard topic on you. You can do better than your mother and the Major did. "Tears were running down her cheeks again and he couldn't see his ex-wife cry. He pulled her into his arms, let her head rest on his should and hold her tightly while the sobs softly ebbed away.
"Addie, I cannot do this alone, I need you in the boat," he said while making small circles with his thumb on her back, "I need you in the boat." Her reply was only a soft muttering, that she would try her best but can't assure anything.
~*~
Attorney McGregor told them afterwards that money wouldn't be an issue, not knowing that it has never been an end for both. McGregor didn't realize that Addison was a Forbes and one of the world best's neonatologists or Derek one of the best neurologists.
Derek arranged them to pick up the kids in the afternoon, called for a cleaning lady for the brownstone.
When Nancy, Derek's sister, called he was glad to talk to somebody, finally.
"Are you sure you can handle it, Derek?" she said with her soft, caring voice.
"Honestly Nancy, I don't know. I don't know if I can handle Addison alone, not talking of two babies. I haven't talk Meredith yet and I don't know how to handle future arrangements. I don't know anything at the moment but that Weiss was one of my best friends and that he asked us a favor. We have to try our best, I have to try. I don't know if we can work something out with the attorney; find a way to get around the "rules of the game".
Nancy understood what he meant. Unfortunately she was in Europe at the moment, touring her first book on psychology. He would have loved to have her over here, to help them.
"You have to call Meredith, Derek, you have to tell her the truth." And he knew that she was right. It was their first full day in New York, his second away from Meredith. She would be waiting for him to come home tomorrow. He had to call her.
"Addison, I need to get out for a few minutes, walk a little," he said walking out into the cold New York wind. He was walking and arguing with himself. She picked up after the first ring, like she would have been sitting on her cell. The first lines were friendly, about work, her friends and other polite things. "Meredith, I have to tell you something, well, I have to tell you a lot to be honest." He took a deep breath, feeling the cold wind in his lungs, "Things turned out quite differently as I thought they would, Meredith. I will have to stay here longer than I thought, probably a month, I think … and …. I have to be honest Mer … Addison is here too and has to stay with me." "Derek, what the fuck do you think you are doing?", she nearly shouted into the phone. The whole house was probably now around her waiting to her "the" story. He tried to tell her about the will, the babies, and rules. He tried to sound caring, friendly, and polite. Derek tried to sound like a lover and a friend, caring about their relationship. "I know Meredith; it sounds shocking to you too. Don't even ask how Addison reacted, she thinks we can't do it at all, but I know we can, we can all together." From the sounds he heard from the other side, he was probably on speaker already – Izzie, Alex and at least Lexie and Christina listening. "Probably she is right Derek, we cannot." "We have to try it, Meredith. I don't want those two babies grow up with foreigners who don't know a single thing on Savannah and Weiss. They have been our closest friends." "This is about Savannah and Weiss, Derek?" he heard Mark interrupting. "I am on speaker … I already thought so…. Well, yes, Mark, they have been killed in a car accident ten days ago." He felt how a Mark felt, like stabbed into his heart. Savanna had been one of the women he never got into bed with; he never even tried because he had too much respect of her. She was vulnerable, drunk, and sad. He had kissed her and things went upstairs, unplanned. He never had planned to fall in love with her because he knew that she would never be able to love him the way she loves Derek and will ever love him.
Meredith would need time to adjust to the new situation, like him and Addison. They would find a way.
He came back in the moment McGregor bought the babies over with the Nanny. It wasn't just the babies they brought; it was cribs, cloths, bottles, formula, diapers …. It was much more than he had expected.
Men brought in the furniture and asked Addison where to put it. She wasn't able to speak and before she could put herself together again, Derek told them to put it in the guestroom, Addison's last night bedroom. The second guestroom had always been a study, filled with books, files, photos, uncut holiday movies and lots of other memories.
The cribs were put up, stuff put into shelves. And then they finally saw Lillian and Oliver the first time. They were small for ten months. Asking McGregor about it he told them that they were born early, at 31 weeks.
Derek looked at Addison standing on top of the staircase staring at him.
"Addison come down here", he said with some begging in his voice. He had never seen her like that. Slowly she made her way towards him. Madame Olive, the hired Nanny, put Lillian in her arms and from outside the scene looked unusually cold. Olive held the baby in a way towards Addison that she could not take it over.
Olive had brownish hair, big blue eyes and a soft smile on her lips. Her small body was clad in a yellow romper suit.
"They are not allergic to anything as far as I can tell. They like carrots a lot and absolutely hate spinach. Oliver likes bananas, Lillian goes for apples. But since you two are doctors I am sure that you know pretty well what to feed a baby. I was pretty new to it." Derek nodded. He had always imagined Addison holding a baby differently especially in the brownstone.
Mister McGregor figured that it was probably the right moment to leave them alone. The most important things were told, their stuff stored. "I will call you in the morning about the financial affairs," Derek nodded, now holding Oliver in his arms. He looked mostly like his sister but his hair was more in the shade of strawberry blond. His jumper wasn't yellow but green and he was eagerly sucking on his pacifier.
After the door closed behind the attorney and the former Nanny Derek and Addison were standing in the hall of their old home with their new gain. He was studying her face, her features. They were still the same – the big bluish eyes which could change the color with the mood. Her red hair was pulled into a pony tail, some strands falling out, making her look softer. He had to tell himself again that he shouldn't look at her that way.
"Addison, what do you think?"
"I don't know. At the moment I feel nothing, accept a wet hand. I think I have to change her," she replied without a smile, the usual Addison-way.
While she walked upstairs, Lillian started to cry and Derek got the impression as his ex-wife wouldn't know how to deal with this new situation. He wanted to go after her but also give her some time to grow into it, to get used to this bundle of life in her hands.
But the crying didn't stop.
He told himself that he was new to this situation too that he only plans the next five minutes, not a day in previous, not a week, a month …. a lifetime.
She would need time, time he couldn't give her at the moment. They would have to work together to make this real, to keep the kids. One step after the other, slowly he made his way towards the nursery.
Before things happened with Mark they had talked about having kids, once or twice, Addison had initiated it. Now he realized many things, too late, much too late. He started to understand things which had been foreign terrain to him for years. He couldn't deny the beauty of the picture he had in front of him – Addison, the hair now lose, wearing dark blue jeans and a simple blue t-shirt which made her eyes even more blue, the baby in front of her, trying to get her into the jumper again. The crying had stopped instead it was a soft mumbling now, a crème tub in her little hand, turning it around.
Derek had always admired her for her beauty, her elegance and self esteem. She turned around, the baby on her arm to notice Derek in the doorway watching her. For a second their eyes looked, but only for a second before she looked down on the floor.
"I think they should get their dinner and we should put them to bed. It must have been a long day for them too, many new impressions," she said softly.
"Sure …" He turned around and together they went to the kitchen. But what to cook? There were frozen vegetables in the freezer, five years old. Thankfully she remembered that the Nancy had left them some dinner formula. "I will get a baby cooking book tomorrow first," he said, "and some fresh fruits and vegetables."
"How long do you think will it take till we can leave New York," she asked, changing the topic completely.
I don't know what he aspect us to do. I have no clue."
"Me neither."
"We have to figure something out for after New York."
"True," she said heading to the shelf of glasses, getting herself a red wine glass. "Do you also want one?" Derek nodded while fixing the formula from the recipe on the cover. "Looks tasteless to me." She said while she put the two glasses in front of Derek. In the other second she had Oliver on her other side because Derek didn't even ask but pushed him over.
He would lie saying that this didn't fit her. Of course he had always imagined her kids with reddish hair, porcelain skin – but her skin wasn't that white anymore either, she was tanned from head to toe.
She looked a little overstrained to keep all four hands out of her hair. Derek had to laugh, she had to laugh softly. "They like you." "No, they like my hair. It was a mistake to let them down." "No it wasn't, it fits you so much better." She just stared at him in disbelieve of the words he had just said.
Time ran by fast. They had to feed them, bath them, to change them to sleeping cloths and Addison staid there till they were asleep. Derek on the other side was sitting on the sofa in the living room, a glass of red wine in his hand, waiting for her. They needed to talk; they needed to talk about so many things. It wouldn't be easy but life isn't easy anyway, it had never been for them. But, he had to tell himself, that this was a lie. There had been times, life had been easy – the beginning of their marriage. There had been days they weren't leaving the bedroom, the sofa, the guestroom …. They which were spend in front of the fire place, cuddling, talking, watching movies and making love. They had always been adventurous. Addison had been.
She looked tired when she fell into the armchair opposite him. Usually she liked wine but today she probably would prefer something harder. He was glad that they got rid of all the stuff years ago.
"Any plans Derek on how we are going to deal with it?"
He stared at her fingers, playing with the edge of the glass. "Do you really think that this is easy for me? You moved on, I moved on. I am engaged. What do you think?"
"I never said …" She took a sip, "do you want to give them into foster are?"
You know as well as I do that we owe this to Savannah and Weiss. We owe it to them! We have to figure something out, talk to McGregor again about the rules."
"I cannot live with Meredith under one roof."
"I never imagined …" Well he did actually and a seconds later realized that they would probably kill each other; eventually Addison would kill Meredith because she was Satan, nevertheless.
"One of us could buy a house in Seattle; move in there with the kids and …."
"And both of us already know that you want me to move in with the kids and you can play weekend daddy."
"Addison," he tried but she stopped him moving her hand up." Don't Addison me Derek; we both know that it probably is the only possible way to go."
"But he said family, a weekend daddy isn't family."
"It is for millions of kids on this planet so it can also be for Lillian and Oliver. I have the work and you will have the fun on the weekends."
"Do you really think that I …"
"Derek, I know men nowadays. In the beginning you will come and visit us twice a week and pick them up on Saturday and Sunday. A couple of months later you probably won't have the time during the week, a year later or two, Saturdays will be cancelled, later it will be every second weekend …." She took another sip of wine, "… and then the day will come, you and Meredith will have kids on your own. You will maybe not caring about Oliver and Lillian but you won't have the time anymore."
His fingers were on the bridge of his nose, eyes closed, taking a deep breath. "It will never be like this Addison and you know it. I would never leave you alone with this burden…."
"It isn't a burden like you call it, it is just a huge change. I started a new life, left Seattle behind, left you behind. I am not sure if I can handle this, " and she pointed towards him and back to herself, "I don't know if I can work at Seattle Grace again knowing that everybody knows every fucking detail of my private life."
"But we have to find a way. We both know how important it is to have an intact family, parents who love their kids and don't drain their sorrows in alcohol. I am sure that you imagined things differently. Living in Los Angeles, falling in love, becoming pregnant, raising kids … "
"No, Derek. I gave up on having children." He looked at her in a hopeless way. What did she just say, she, Addison Forbes Montgomery didn't want to have kids anymore? "When I went to Los Angeles I gave up on a couple of things but tried to get some new vices. I even tried smoking …" He had to laugh, remembering her in med school. "again … Thanks Derek that I am so entertaining." "You are welcome."
She finished her glass of red wine in silence and was about to head upstairs to go to bed. "I will sleep on the sofa Addison, take the bedroom, you need to get some sleep."
"I can share the room with the twins."
"Don't. They need their space and you wouldn't be able to close your eyes for a second. I know how you sleep when babies are around." And he was right. She was used to wake up at every move they made, every breath that was a little bit louder or just different – it had been her job for decades.
~*~
Hours later he went upstairs to grab a blanket. He tried not to make a sound, remembering where the floor creaks. The door to the master bedroom was slightly ajar, light still on. He pushed the door a little further open and saw her sleeping form. Still wearing his jeans he went to her nightstand to shut off the light, noticing the red rimmed eyes, the tissues on the floor. She had always been a sleeping beauty, even now. Her red hair cascading over the pillow, one hand neatly tucked under her head. Derek couldn't resist pushing a single strand behind her ear, being afraid to wake her. He was standing next to her longer than he probably should have, studying her face, her breathing, her sleeping body –dressed in a black silk nightgown which wouldn't be able to hide a lot. One he had bought her years ago, which most likely never found its way to Seattle or Los Angeles. Many things have staid where they are, photos, wardrobe, shoes …. Many things waited for her, waited for her return.
He opened the cupboard doors and noticed the smell, fresh lilacs. He took out a blanket and a pillow and headed to the couch. Later he fell into a deep slumber.
~*~
September 15th
Father once told me about an angel and now I know that now he is here. He calls me softly in this room, I hear my name dancing over his lips. But I must have been dreaming. Stories like this never come true. I am thinking in riddles and that's not me.
Angels do not exist but in my dreams they are present, since I left.
How does he think I may survive this? How? I left because it was unbearable for me.
I left because I couldn't allow myself the hope of … the hope of what exactly? He had always been my biggest weakness in the world. I ran after him, gave up everything. Now I am hiding, hiding deep inside, not showing feelings, emotions as good as possible but they are eating me up. How much longer can I hide?
When I was a little girl father always told me about angels and that a special one is always next to me, my shadow, guarding me.
But this one … in dreams he comes to me … and in dreams I feel secure, safe … loved.
Now I can't allow things to happen. We are singing a strange duet now, a duet with missing tones. And now he wants to make me stay, wants me to sing with him, sing a duet we can't sing, we can't survive.
I really wish he wouldn't make me do it. I wish he would give up as he gave up on our marriage. Sign a paper, turn around and never look back. Just move on. I moved on and now I am back at the old masquerade, worse than it has ever been. He asks for too much. I have to turn my face away, I have to leave. But I can't. I have to listen; I have to listen to the music he plays. I have to surrender; I have to surrender the darkest dream of all, cut my thoughts of the life I knew before. Writing it down makes it sounds easier as it is. I have to live a life I have never lived before.
I have to make the journey to a strange new life, leave all thoughts of the life I knew before.
He already knows that those kids are deeply in my heart, knowing whose they are. I have to stop flooding, have to start to trust him.
~*~
The morning was a challenge for both of them. It was the first time they really had to take care of "their" kids. Of course they had been babysitting Derek's nephews' years ago and they had medical training but this was different. The twins didn't know them. The bond wasn't yet there. Lillian wasn't crying before breakfast but afterwards she wouldn't stop on Derek's arm. Oliver was very different in his behavior. He was the more aggressive one, tugging hair, scarves, everything his little fist could reach.
"Addison, I need help," Derek screamed with a soft laughing coming from his side. Oliver had lots of hair in his fists and wouldn't let go. Addison put Lilian in the playpen and stood near Derek to help. He could smell her perfume – Hugo Boss' Deep Red. His head was now leveled with her hip and he nearly lent into it. He felt himself drawn towards her. She had to laugh when she pulled Oliver from him and he already tried to grab her hair.
"Don't do that cutie, adults don't like it a lot", she sad playfully towards the small child and put him to Lillian.
After another cup of coffee, Derek showered and dressed formally again.
"Do you want to go with me to Mister McGregor?"
"Actually I think it's enough if you go. I have to talk to Naomi and make some phone calls nevertheless. This wasn't planned when I left LA. You can tell me later what Savanna and Weiss had planned for us – I still can't believe that they set up rules," she said and sighed, "I always thought that they understood our decision."
"They have always been full of surprises."
"They have," she replied and remembered the day they came to Seattle for Savanna's breast amputations and all the discussions afterwards.
~*~
"That can't be true, Mister McGregor. Those rules are going …."
"I can't help it. That's what they set up, even discussed it with Judge Connery."
Derek was pacing up and down the room, thinking about the rules they just had been read out to him. He couldn't make Addison do all that, he couldn't force her to do all that - to act like a loving couple towards everybody because Savanna's handwriting said, that McGregor has to interview mostly everybody in their life, even posted some names.
He had moved on after the divorce, got engaged. This wasn't to speculate over a game, an act, a theatre.
He still shook his head. "I don't know if Addison …"
"I know, Mr. Shepherd. It isn't easy. I thought you were still married though this would have been easy to fallow. Now I have to say that you should make a plan. In two days Judge Connery and the lady from the DFC will come and discuss with you when and if you can leave New York. You have to give them an address in …." he looked through his notes, "Seattle, where you and the kids stay. I am telling you this now because you probably will need to prepare a few things."
Derek was more or less speechless and just able to nod. What should he do now? Two days to prepare a new life, change roles … He had to call Meredith.
~*~
"You don't understand Meredith! We can work things out. Addison knows that I won't leave you, she knows it. "
"Satan does never give up," Meredith nearly screamed into the phone.
"Do you really think that this is easy on her? She doesn't know about the rules yet. In the beginning she didn't want to take the kids at all, telling me all the time that she can't do it …. But now they spent a night with us and I couldn't think of giving them away anymore. She can't show it yet but she already loved him."
"Derek"
"No Meredith. Savanna and Weiss gave us their miracles to take care of them. I can't foul you, it won't be easy but we work things out." Himself he wasn't telling this in this force, he wasn't sure if things would really work out because he was asking both women a lot, especially Addison would have to give up her life in Los Angeles. "Mer, things are complicated at the moment, yeah, but we'll get used to it and find a way. I am sure. Believe me, if I could change it, make Savanna and Weiss alive again, I'd do so."
There was a pregnant silence.
"Does that mean that Addison is coming back to Seattle? Work here again?"
"I think so."
He could think of all the memories which were coming up in Meredith. Addison was an amazing surgeon, a perfect teacher, a role model – as long as she got what she wanted. She could be a bitch at work, take people off cases because of a single thoughtless statement.
In the end, he was already in front of the brownstone and they had agreed that he would call her the next day again to update her.
It was already early afternoon when he unlocked the door. The house lay in a complete silence. He put his coat over the chair in the hall, got rid of the wet shoes and silently went into the living room.
It was a picture of its own which he discovered. Addison was sitting on the sofa; eyes closed, deeply asleep with Lillian asleep over her chest and Oliver next to her, one arm protectively over the small body.
He opened the top drawer in the hall and got out a camera, a classical one, and took a few snap shots of Addison and the kids. It made him smile. Her hair was pulled together; her body was clad in mid blue jazz pants and a matching sweatshirt. He remembered what that blue made to her – it made her eyes even bluer, sparkling. He had bought that outfit years ago in Rome at a Prada store at the Via Dei Candiotti not far away from la plaza Di Spagna.
He decided to let them sleep a little longer and went to the first floor. He bedrooms were still unmade. Placing the comforter over her bed, he noticed a booklet on the nightstand, tugged under a magazine. From the very beginning of their relationship she had been a diary writer. Sometimes she read an entry to him, mostly not.
He was nervous but decided that he had respected her privacy before. He headed to the attic and went through a couple of boxes. He found a couple of things that brought back wonderful memories, shells from their honeymoon, piece of the Berlin Wall, they had brought back from their trip 1989, a bottle of champagne titles from the USSR, they bought at the Krim island, pieces from all over the world. And then there was a box, Addison's handwriting on it – "Private". He knew too well what was in it, had had been avoiding it for years, the old diaries. He knew that he wasn't allowed to read them, that it had been an unspoken agreement. But he couldn't resist now. He went through a few years and grabbed another, 4 years old. A year, things haven't been right anymore.
April 4
I have told him about three times that this night was the Patient's Choice Award. I waited to him, dressed in a new Armani dress but he didn't arrive at home. He didn't arrive at the award ceremony at all. Slowly I should get used to it, used to do things alone because he never shows up lately. What happened to us? What happened to Addison-Derek?
All the people there were really nice, I talked to the head of St. Luke's who even wanted to offer me a chief of surgery. I declined. Maybe this had been a mistake. But at that point I decided that my carrier has to wait, my marriage has to survive first.
"He thumbed through the book"
May 7
Nothing changed anything. Another night alone, another wait I had been waiting for him to come home. I haven't been able to talk to him in nearly three weeks. The so thought wonderful news ended in a menstrual cycle. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe god looked down from his heaven's throne and noticed that this wasn't the right moment. That maybe the time will never be there for us. I had been eight weeks late, eight weeks. But it shouldn't happen.
Derek sat on the dirty floor reading this entry over and over again. How could that be?
