"I hear Will Crumplebottom, the new vampire in town, is very sophisticated and sexy," my grandma, Adella Hail Crackhouse. "Would you mind asking him to some to our old person's club meeting so we can talk about the Civil War, which was the most influential war in American history?"
"Sure," I, Cookie Crackhouse, said.
The next day, we took a walk in the forest near my house, which was Will's idea, and totally romantic.
"So, tell me about your life before you became a vampire," I said, even though it was too soon to talk about ones deeply personal life.
"Well, I had three or five kids, and I became a vampire when I was 30, 29 or 28," Will said charismatically. "Depends which book you read."
"...What?"
"Nothing. You wanted me to go to your grandma's Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting and talk about my heroic services in the Civil War?"
"Yes, can you come?"
"Of course. I would do anything for you, Cookie."
I heard the door unlock. Amelia, Sookie's witch roommate, came in. Bubba ran outside before she came, but I had hesitated, stupidly pausing to save the story and attempt to log out.
"Bill!" Amelia said warmly. "What are you doing here, and why are you by the computer?"
"I..." I paused. I knew she would tell Sookie about this, so I told her the truth. Of how Sookie was embellishing the truth with her novel.
"I see," Amelia said suspiciously. "May I read what she wrote?"
She pushed my aside and opened up Microsoft Word and read the whole thing, taking moments to mutter under her breath.
"She really wrote this?" Amelia asked, pointing to the fourth "sexily" in the story. "I'm glad I was working late. Now I get to totally prank Sookie."
"Why would you do that," I asked as I glided to the fridge for some TruBlood.
"Because she's been pretty weird ever since the last book. I'm really worried about what Book 10 will hold."
So we finished the totally boring date and the totally boring old people club meeting and stuff.
"But," I said sadly, "That part revealed a lot of my back-story."
"We all have to make sacrificed, Billy," Amelia said casually.
I, being the whiny Mary-Sue I am, started to whine to the lovely Will, for a nice shopping spree. Being the great boyfriend he is, he spent a lot of money buying me some sexy clothing.
"Now that's more like it," I said proudly.
"I love you, Will," I said in a totally annoying way. "You are so kind."
"Hey," Will said. "I may have the personality of wood, but I really care about you, Cookie."
Suddenly, three vampires came into the bar. They were Reese, that girl, and the guy I forgot because Sookie's stories bore me. I shall call these last two Lois and Reese.
"Ah, Will," Lois said in a totally scary way. "That girl would make a delicious treat."
"Step off, Lois," Will said in a totally protective way. The other vampires scowled and left the nightclub.
"Wait," I interrupted, putting my hand on Amelia's shoulder. "First, we were shopping for clothes, then at a bar, and now at a nightclub."
"Aw, no one will notice, Bill," Amelia said with a giggle.
The totally awesome hunk Derek came out of his office to see the commotion.
"Cookie Crackhouse and Will Crumplebottom," he said in a totally sexy voice. "Come, meet my second-in-command, Ham, and out bartender, Long-Goth."
Suddenly, Lois, Dewey and Reese came in. Angry that Eric was paying attention to a totally sexy and annoying person like me, they totally lunged at me, fangs erect.
Luckily, my totally awesome friend Amelia Hollywood was there on a date, because she doesn't lounge around the house like me. She, being a very powerful witch, ran up, shouted a spell and totally sent the vampires totally outside.
"Wow, you are so awesome," I totally said.
"I almost wish I met you before Cookie," Bill said, but Cookie totally didn't hear, because she was totally flirting with Derek.
"I know," Ham said, coming in in a totally sexy-like way. "Let's have a great big party!"
So we all danced. I have to admit, it was totally interesting to see Will doing the worm.
"This...." I sighed, "doesn't really make sense."
"Well," Amelia said, saving the story and closing the window. "I don't care. I really have to go to bed; Sookie and I are working early at Merlotte's tomorrow, and I'm too tired to make an intelligent try. G'night, Bill Compton."
"Good night, Amelia," I said, and watched her log off the computer and walk upstairs.
Speaking of being tired, I checked the wall clock and saw that dawn's early light would shine soon, and I needed to get to sleep.
I snuck into Sookie's vampire hidey-hole for when vampires are staying over, and drifted off to sleep.
Unfortunately, I was not alone.
