No, I Didn't
A Yuffentine
Author's Notes: No, I didn't think this was a good idea in the first place. This story is one helluva perverted time-waster. Seriously. I'm having second thoughts about uploading this piece of junk.
Chapter 2: Denial 101
On that same day, Vincent and Yuffie were given another mission. They headed to the hot beach of Costa Del Sol, where Reeve had told them an information broker was waiting. On Yuffie's backpack were their food and supplies for five days of travel. As directed, the two looked for the tavern in the small place and entered it without hesitation. A young female with a beret was throwing them eye contact on the far left.
"Are you the info broke?" Yuffie asked, adjusting the bag on her back.
"Yes, I am."
They waited for her to narrate to them their mission specifics. Instead, the girl just stared at them.
"You don't pay, I don't talk."
"Broker said what?" Yuffie practically screamed.
Vincent took out his PHS from his pocket and called Reeve. No signal. Awesome. Glaring at the broker, he inquired, "How much?"
"15,000 Gil."
Vincent sighed. Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Lookie here, woman. We were sent by Reeve Tuesti here. He told us that you'd give us the full details."
"Pay first."
Vincent grumbled and looked away, thinking of a method to solve their problem. In one fluid motion, Yuffie unstrapped Vincent's belt and dashed towards the exit. Vincent didn't have a second to respond as his slashed pants plummeted to the floor. It was a good thing there was only one person in the tavern, though that person was now staring at his lower body with wide eyes.
Then, he remembered. No underwear. Chaos was laughing his butt off at the back of Vincent's mind when he saw through his host's eyes that the girl was salivating.
Vincent found a ragged cloth on one of the tables and tied it around his waist. The dazzled information broker just gaped at him.
"...E-Excuse me." He turned to leave.
"T-There are cactuars that raid the beach from time to time. There aren't any tourists nowadays because of them."
He turned again to face the young lady. "We...didn't pay yet."
She grinned at him with suggestive eyebrows."Oh, you paid for the information really well."
Vincent didn't actually know how to respond to that. Initially, he shook his head and sighed, running outside the look for Yuffie. He swore he would murder her when he'd get his hands on her. Vincent exited through the double doors and drenched himself under the fiery sunlight.
"Hey, Vinnie!" Yuffie jumped at him.
Vincent resisted the urge to ram Cerberus down her throat. But wait, something was wrong. Cerberus was gone. Realization striking him, he clutched Yuffie's wrist.
"Where is my belt?"
Yuffie promptly returned the belt to him. Vincent's eyes fell to the empty holster.
"Where's the broker? We have the money now."
"How?"
"Duh, I sold Cerberus."
"What?" he snarled, his voice rising in loudness. "You sold Cerberus?"
"Um...no, I didn't?" she blurted out, scratching the back of her head. Angered beyond measure, Vincent dropped control of his anger and chased Yuffie, who immediately ran for her life.
Three hours later...
"Seriously, can we stop now?" Yuffie questioned as she ran, panting and dripping with sweat.
Vincent didn't reply. If she had not thrown shurikens and knives at him, he probably would have caught her three hours ago. Finally, Yuffie tripped. Vincent caught up and grabbed her by the neck.
"I'm sorry, Vincent! I thought it was-"
"A good idea? How is selling my gun a good idea?"
"It sold for a hefty price. That's a compliment, you know?"
Vincent sighed and let go of her. There was nothing he could do to reclaim possession of his beloved gun anyway. Killing Yuffie and impaling her on a stick like a Midgar Zolom wouldn't help either. He sat down, exhausted. He scanned his surroundings as Yuffie also got up. Both of them didn't notice that they had traveled quite a large distance while playing cat and mouse.
"Where are we?" Yuffie inquired.
"...In the middle of nowhere."
Sand dunes covered the lifeless ground. The sun was high in the sky, torturing them with heat. Everywhere they looked, they found sand. A desert.
Vincent turned to Yuffie. "Call Reeve."
"You do it. You have a PHS too."
"You slashed it into half when you cut my pants."
"Oh."
Yuffie stared at him.
He stared back.
She blinked.
He blinked.
She blinked again.
Chaos slapped his forehead.
"Call him."
"I don't have a PHS."
Vincent noticed that her backpack was gone too. "Where is your bag?"
"I-"
"You lost it?"
"...No, I didn't."
"Then, where is it?"
"Um...I lost it?"
Vincent took a deep breath to calm himself. This was not happening.
"How much Gil do we have?"
"What Gil?"
"Money."
"Oh."
She stared again.
Vincent glared at her. "How much do we have?"
"We don't have any."
Vincent felt consciousness slowly slipping away. "You lost our money?"
Yuffie shrugged. "No, I didn't."
"Of course." Vincent shook his head and sighed for the nth time.
All of their money and food were gone, he lost a brief, it got auctioned, his pants were destroyed, he stained an innocent girl's mind and turned her into a maniac fangirl, Cerberus was sold, Yuffie used up all her weapons, they got lost, and they were in a freaking desert with no means of contact to other people. It couldn't get any worse. Or so Vincent thought.
Yuffie titled her head sideways and poked Vincent. He snappily faced her and growled.
"Erm..Vinnie?"
"...What?" He was too tired to shout.
"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"
Vincent looked down again. The ragged cloth he tied to his waist was gone. Now he knew why something felt wrong when he was running. Something kept on getting in the way with his thighs. Eww. That's just gross. Why am I writing this? Lol. Frustrated, he looked up to see a dazed Yuffie staring at him.
Sanity left = 46%.
