"I miss you Yamato, and I won't forget you, no matter how much time goes by. I know that you wouldn't want me dwelling on your death so I want you to know that, eventually, I'm going to move on. There's always a brand new day to make the most of. Even if other people think I'm just wasting my life by doing whatever makes my time enjoyable, I'm living for you now too Yama. I hope you always know; I love you so much. I'm hurting right now but hey, you know I could never stay sad for long. I have to go now, people are waiting on me to finish. Goodbye, Yama." I realized as removed my hand from the cold, wooden coffin that I had tears starting to roll down my face. No warning, no twitch of the lip or blink of the eyes, I was simply crying.
I looked around me at the scene I was standing in, perfectly green grass, beautiful warm day, surrounded by all of my closest friends. 'It would be a perfect day if those damn kids hadn't killed you Yama.' That's all anyone knew, his body was found on the side of the road. He was beaten then left for dead for who knows what reason. Maybe road rage, possibly some bored kids looking for something "fun" to do, or the reporters favorite reason: A hate crime against him because he was gay. Yes, every news channel was covering this as a hate crime because it was the most interesting view of all, and who knows; maybe it was the true story.
As I turned to move back toward my seat I noticed people watching me. No, I noticed everyone watching me! Could they hear what I said up there? I wasn't really trying to keep my voice down. Are they disgusted? Are they happy with what I said? 'No, I can't dwell on these things; I'm living for Yama now.' I felt confined though, needing to run away and get out of the situation. Is this for Yamato, like I'm telling myself, or for me, as a selfish act to get as far away from the thing I don't want to accept? The reasoning didn't matter anymore though; I just needed to get out. I sprinted away from the green cemetery grounds as fast as I possibly could, past Sora who stood and called out my name, past the endless rows of people seated to remember Yama's life, past the reporters that were gathered on the sidewalk outside the grounds trying to get their story, and ran for what seemed to be hours until I arrived in front of my destination: A creek running through the center of town that was Yama's and my hiding spot, our secret base that nobody but us could penetrate. Our safe haven from punks, teachers, parents, and whatever else could bother us in our life.
Sitting down against a shaded tree facing the creek, my thoughts drifted to the funeral. What was everyone there doing right now? Were they listening to a hymn or a pastor preach about Yama's life? Maybe I should have stayed there, I probably worried people and I would hate to add another heavy thought to their minds.
'My god I'm tired, it's been too long of a day and it only just started too…' I thought closing my eyes and leaning my head back. "Yama… Goodbye, love."
And then darkness…
"AHH! What the hell?"
"It's water, heard of it before?"
"Well no shit it's water but what am I doing in it?"
"I think they call it swimming?"
"Yeah," I started sarcastically, "I just happened to be swimming in my sleep and… Oh it's you Takeru, should have known you would be the only one diabolical enough to do something like this."
"I have a gift! Anyways think of it as payback for not staying at the funeral with us. I don't like boring things. And the crying…"
"Yeah. Sorry for leaving like that. How did you know I was here though?"
"Yamato's spirit told me where to find you."
"Pfft, yeah that's really believable."
"Aww you're a non-believer!"
"I'll believe in ghosts when you show me one."
"Ok well you're right on this particular occasion, Yamato told me about this place once before. I just assumed this would be the place you would go to because he said it was really special to you guys. And here you are!"
"Well you didn't have to toss me into the creek to wake me up…"
"Yeah, sorry about that. But look! I came prepared!" Takeru tossed me a towel as I climbed out of the ditch containing the water.
"So you just conveniently had a towel handy to give someone on the off chance that they happen to fall into a pool of waist high water huh? You really are evil I hope you know."
"Like I said, a gift! If only I got paid for stuff like this."
"Get your own reality TV show or something." Striping down to my boxers to let all my wet clothing dry, I started running the "conveniently" available towel through my hair trying to get the water out of the unruly brunette locks. I noticed Takeru watching me then and played around with him.
"Like what you see?" I asked shaking my hips a little, smirking.
"Oh yes, very much so" Takeru said smirking, though something seemed to be a little off.
"Takeru, you make me blush!" And I think I actually was a bit… He had that smirk on his face like he always did when he was toying with someone but his eyes had his serious look. Could Takeru actually be gay? I suppose it was definitely possible, I mean I am so it's not exactly a foreign concept.
"Don't let it go to your head; I like what I see in half the people I look at." He said making a jab at me.
"I didn't realize you were that easy to get in bed Takeru!" Two could play at that game.
"Now liking what I see and wanting to fuck what I see are two very different things," he said wagging his finger like a parent teaching their kids a lesson. "Although not so different in some cases I suppose."
Takeru came and sat down next to me underneath the tree while I moved to lie down next to it so the sun could finish drying me. We stayed like that for a long time, not talking until a thought crossed my mind. "Takeru, how did you know, in the end, that Yamato and I were in a relationship? I just wonder how you could have known. I mean besides seeing us in the cafeteria cuddling and what not."
"'What not' being you two kissing and practically groping each other in public?"
"Yeah that one."
"Well, I suppose it's from personal experience. I mean how can two good looking guys be best mates and not talk about girls or date a girl since they met each other? Straight or bi men simply cannot resist the temptations of women unless they are totally in love with someone else already."
"Or in your case if they're taken by someone else already."
Takeru suddenly looked panicked, "How did you know about that?"
"Well it's obvious that you're in love with my sister," I chuckled, "but you wouldn't make a move on someone already in a relationship. You're just too gentlemen like, although I wouldn't mind if you dated her, as long as you didn't do anything… bold to her. Then I'd have to kick your ass. But better you than Ken I'd say. I seriously don't understand what she sees in him."
"Oh so you think I like Kari!" He laughed honestly enough but his eyes once again betrayed him and showed sorrow. "Well you're way off, Kari and I are just good friends, we've known each other since… well forever it seems like!"
"Well then who do you like if you knew about me and Yama from personal experience?"
"Secret!" He said winking. "You can pester me all you want," he said seeing me open my mouth to argue, "but now is not the time to confess my feelings."
"Hmm. All right you're safe for now, but I'll get you later Takeru, I swear!"
"If you're clothes are dry now the gang planned to meet up after the funeral service at Owl's." The Owl was our infamous hangout, an old fashioned ice cream and fountain parlor like you might see in the movies like Grease. They served up a mean chicken noodle soup too! Even though you could actually buy the same exact chicken soup for half the price at any grocery store in the city, it was the location and company that made it taste better. "The funeral has probably just about ended so they should be there soon."
"Wait the funeral hasn't ended yet? Then you left early too huh."
"Yup! We're both guilty!"
"THEN WHY DID YOU PUSH ME INTO THE CREEK?" I screamed at him.
"Oh darn, you found me out. Just a little bit of fun is all. We're good though right?"
"Hardly, you know my policy Takeru, an eye for an eye!" I slowly got into a crouching position getting ready to pounce upon my prey. "Ready for a swim, Takeru?"
"NOOO!" He screamed running around with his hands waving in the air while I chased him down in my boxers and pulled him into the creek, kicking and screaming all the way. I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Takeru, you're soaked!"
"Good of you to notice Kari." Takeru said dryly, unlike his current state of being that my little sister so astutely pointed out.
"Takeru decided to take a dip in the creek Kari!" I explained, "He felt so bad for leaving the funeral early that he just had to punish himself to make amends."
"What he really means, Kari, is that Takeru threw him in first so he had to get payback. Look at Taichi's sneakers, they're soaked through." Miyako, far too observant for… my own good.
"You're right! Good eyes, Miyako!" Kari exclaimed, jump-turning to give her digivolving partner a high-five that Miyako happily returned.
"Spot on." Said Takeru laughing with the rest of the group gathered. We made our way to Owl's after Takeru had climbed out of the creek and I had put all of my clothes on. They were waiting for us just outside of the doors so we all could go in together and not have our group get split up by someone at the bar with the swivel seat instead of having to sit at a boring old table. "Thanks for waiting but I'm going to have to go home and change my clothing. I don't fancy catching a cold just before summer really picks up." We had been out of school for almost two weeks now and all we had gotten was either wind or rain for weather before today. Fitting for a time of mourning but not good for upping spirits. I was just glad Yamato didn't have to be buried in the rain.
"I'd go back with you Takeru but I'm not a wuss." I said playfully.
"We'll see who the wuss is when you're sneezing and coughing on your deathbed next week!" Takeru called back as he started walking off towards home.
"Okay, let's head in gang!" Miyako cried cheerily, leading her troops, minus one, into the parlor with her fist held high.
After having a flavored sour soda drink called an old phosphate and bowl of chicken noodle, I was ready to leave. We all ended up talking about Yamato and the good times but that really only made me feel worse about the situation and I had already been feeling like crap so you can imagine how bad I was after this.
Somewhere along the line however I had made up my mind that I had to get some of these serious thoughts off my chest and the only person I trusted with such thoughts was Koushirou. Of course, I could talk to any of them and nobody would think less of me but I couldn't imagine talking to my sister about this, much less her boyfriend. I'd probably just end up killing poor ken. Miyako has a definite serious mode that people rarely see and she would bring it out for me, I know, but we've never been close. Same goes for Iori, although in his case he's ALWAYS serious. I had thought about Sora but she had been jealous of me forever about Yamato so I couldn't talk to her about him and Jyou is so much of a health freak he'd probably prescribe 20 different pills for me to take for depression! That just leaves Takeru and Koushirou since Mimi is away on a trip to some beach for a modeling gig. I could talk to either of them about Yama but I also wanted Koushirou's brilliant insights about a hunch I was forming about Takeru, but besides that, Takeru had already gone home on the subway to his house across the city.
As we all got up to leave I pulled Kou aside and told him I needed to talk to him and immediately got an invitation to his house for dinner. Bless him.
"Hey, where do you two think you're headed off to together?" Miyako yelled at me and Kou as she noticed that, indeed, we were both going the same direction, opposite of my apartments.
Koushirou, quick witted as ever, replied, "My mother has been asking me about him for almost a month now so he's going to come over and visit this evening. I would bring you all along but I fear Tai will eat all of the food in the house before we can get to any of it." Needless to say Koushirou got a hard jab in the side for that one.
"Point well taken," Sora called from next to Miyako. "We'll see you next Saturday then for our usual meet at The Owl, if not sooner!"
"Goodbye!" Koushirou and I called back to them, and we were off.
The clouds had rolled in on our 20 minute walk to Koushirou's house leaving us worrying that we may get caught up in a rainstorm, but luckily we managed to make it inside before any of the water had gotten down to us. We didn't talk about much of anything important along the way. The usual school gossip, which was dwindling now that school had ended for the summer, and what was new in each of our lives were the topics of the day. We did have a lot to discuss, however, because it was true that we hadn't spent time alone together in about a month. Turns out, Koushirou's mom had gotten a fully grown, on the verge of fat, orange and brown cat the previous week that had taken a liking to sleeping on Koushirou's one and only pure white pillow during the day. "I might as well be laying down on the cat itself it leaves so much fur behind!" He exclaimed to me as we walked up his front steps.
"Hello mother!" Koushirou cried as we took our shoes off in the entrance. "I hope you don't mind that I brought Taichi along with me?" Koushirou was one of the only people I had yet to break when it came to calling me Tai instead of Taichi.
"Mind? I've been nagging you about bringing him over for weeks! He's the only one that will actually eat all of my casserole. I already started making Sheppard's Pie though so you'll have to come back over sometime so I can feed you! Glad to see you here though Tai."
"You too Mrs. Izumi."
"How long until diner mom?"
"50 minutes left on the timer but you know how these things go dear."
"Ok, please call us when it's done!" I always thought Koushirou was much too polite for his age. Maybe I was just too blunt.
"Go enjoy yourselves!" We went quickly into his room to fight for his one seater sofa chair.
"50 minutes…" Mrs. Izumi muttered under her breath. "50 minutes until all of my food is gone. Better start making my list now. At least it's a big dish so he won't eat my ice cream. Who am I fooling; they'll have that for dessert and then have my pie too for a midnight snack. I wonder if I still have that mini-fridge in my garage..." And so off Mrs. Izumi went to horde away her stash of goodies to hold her over for the night.
"LONG LIVE THE KING OF THE SOFA CHAIR!" I screamed at the top of my lungs letting the entire apartment complex know that I had successfully held my title. I could practically hear the applause coming from all the people who lived in the building around me.
"I was rather looking forward to sitting on my bed anyways; my pillow makes a nice back rest after all, so I'm satisfied!" Koushirou tried to justify his loss.
"Tell me Koushirou; is it like lying on your cat or sitting on it?" I said still laughing at his utter defeat.
"Neither! It simply… adds more padding to the pillow is all. In fact I'm glad that my cat left all of this hair here for me to lean on! It's like a gift from him."
"Bullshit! You know that I got you, you're a horrible liar Koushirou I hope you know." I said between laughter.
"So then, what did you want to talk to me about at the bar in Owl's Taichi?" He asked suddenly serious. The sudden change in the tone of the conversation caught me off guard for a few moments as I tried to collect my thoughts.
"Well, Yamato, I suppose. I didn't really have an agenda on my mind, I just need to vent. I feel bad dumping all of this onto one person but I really don't know anyone else that would listen and not judge whatever I say."
"I don't think that any of us would judge you, Taichi, some of us may joke more than others about it. Miyako, for example, doesn't take sad topics in stride but she deals with those things in her own way, joking about them all. But she would take you absolutely seriously at face value."
"I didn't' mean it like they would treat me badly, I just meant it as a compliment that I trust you with serious stuff more than the rest of the gang."
"All right, I'll accept that. Go on then." Koushirou offered up.
"Well, it's just like before we got to your house, being jolly and having fun when I really should be devastated. My boyfriend for so long just died and all I'm doing to mourn him is make jokes and make myself the king of the sofa chair." After a long silence from both of us I continue, "It's like I don't care about him anymore. I love him a lot still and if he were here I would probably be spending time with him but it's like he's just away on a vacation. He's still not quite all gone for me yet and I don't know why I just can't accept that. I'm almost angry at him for leaving me without saying goodbye or anything! How irrational is that..."
"It's natural to feel these things. All of them, and I mean it. When my aunt died I went through most of the things you're saying in my mind too and I knew it was illogical but I couldn't control how I felt about it, we all just have to work through these things little at a time when they happen."
"I want to forget about him but I feel horrible when I have thoughts like that. I want to just remember him but not have my life be about him, because he is gone now for good! I just want to move on from this. Koushirou."
"And it's okay if you do, I doubt Yamato wants to chain you to a ball of remorse or regret anymore than you do yourself, but it wouldn't be fair to him or you if you didn't make it a goal to move on eventually." Ever the realist that can still make things seem simple and attainable with a sprinkle of logic added for good measure.
"You know, I would be in deep shit right now if it wasn't for you, for so many reasons. You're… a godsend."
"I'm just here to help." Kou said blushing slightly. "Anything else you need to vent about?"
"Well, that's all about Yama I suppose. There is more to vent about though, yes. It's Takeru. He hasn't done anything wrong, but he's just giving me weird looks. Well, not weird on their own but they're completely opposite from his actions."
"You're not really making any sense, Taichi. Could you give me an example?" At least I've broken his speech patterns, I'm sure that before he met me he would have phrased it something like, 'you're words are incomprehensible in their present form, could you please provide me with a particular scenario that I may analyze?' Needless to say, an improvement, or a step backwards, however you look at it.
"Well," I started, trying to get my thoughts back on track, "Well, after he pushed me in the creek and I striped to my boxers, I asked if he liked what he saw and while he was sarcastic when he said he did, his eyes looked serious. I think he might be gay! But I always thought he liked my sister and when the topic of relationships came up and I assumed the person he liked was taken thinking of Kari, he looked scared that I had caught him in something. I told him it was obvious between him and Kari but he said it wasn't her he liked, but it was a secret and it wasn't time to 'confess his feelings' as he put it. Could Takeru like… me?"
"Well I don't think you should pursue it either way Taichi, Takeru obviously doesn't want to discuss it and you're obviously not in any shape to be considering relationships! So for the time being, I don't think that the topic matters either way. Just box the thoughts up, or write them down even, and store them under your bed for another day."
"Yeah, yeah you're probably right Kou. Thanks for listening, I know you must be feeling pretty shitty yourself here."
"Yeah, well, I manage better than most. I have the undeniable power of logic at my disposal!"
"And you have no troubles wielding that power against me or anyone else! Now I'm hungry, how long has it been?"
"Well, it's been about 10 minutes."
"Let's go raid your mom's mini fridge in the garage?"
"After you Sofa King!"
~This chapter brought to you by Jimmy Eat World, specifically their Futures album which inspires angst, and fun…ness.~
